I scouted the perfect place near the house but far enough away to ensure some privacy. We walked there hand-in-hand. The villagers all looked more relaxed and had a much better attitude, considering tomorrow was the sacrifice. It usually plunged this village into a deep depression for weeks before and after the day itself.
If someone had told me all this a month ago, I would have laughed and given them a list of reasons why it was nothing but fantasy. But now, the one responsible for turning my world around was holding my hand, strong enough to make me believe all fantasies were possible.
I led him along the river when he suddenly turned me around and kissed me with a passion that made my head spin. We not only didn't make it to my planned spot, but I was acutely aware that people could easily see us. It was funny how quickly inhibitions could melt.
I couldn't care less. I let him pick me up and carry me like a princess. We sat down a little further away in the tall grass, and I decided to melt him with my lips. I never felt so light and yet heavy at the same time. Why was everything so much brighter when we kissed? I felt my skin was on fire.
With perfect timing, he picked me up again and walked into the water with me. The river was cool and clear. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he held me by my hips. I wanted him to touch me more—everywhere.
Why wait for him? I guided his hand onto my breast and instantly became very aware of something firm pressing against me. I adjusted my position so I could feel it more, pushing against me. I felt like I had run a race. I wanted him to know how much I loved him.
But then a tiny, prickly fear invaded my mind. It made me remember that this was the first time someone had ever touched me like that. I hesitated, pulling my head away by reflex and pushing him away slightly.
He looked disappointed, but maybe it was only something I saw. He let me go and collected himself.
"I'm sorry... I got a little..." He took a few deep breaths and wiped his hair back. "Sorry, I can see it was a bit too much. Made you uncomfortable... Let's go dry off a little."
No! That's not what I wanted.
I sensed the mood was literally killed by my action, so I just nodded and followed him out of the water.
He smiled, sitting under a tree, and let me sit in his lap. We stayed there watching the sun set. He smiled, his demeanor as calm as always, nothing changed. I felt annoyed and angry with myself for ruining our perfect moment.
I loved him, and I knew he loved me. So where did that stupid fear come from? My inexperience, despite my age, had betrayed me at the worst possible moment.
I felt depressed in his arms, a feeling I never thought would happen here. I soon noticed his breathing became steady. I looked up. His head rested against the tree behind him; he was sleeping soundly.
I looked at his face for a long time, wishing I could turn back time. Maybe then, I would be sleeping in his arms instead of watching him.
I noticed his brows furrowed, and his eyeballs moved rapidly under their lids. Soon, I saw tears falling from his eyes. His expression was otherwise unchanged, yet those tear drops traced clear trails down his face.
"Zephyr!" I shook him awake immediately.
He looked at me, and for a flash, he didn't seem to recognize me.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" He looked around, scanning our surroundings.
I touched his cheek, swiping those tears away. He noticed it and touched his own face, surprised.
"Do those dreams still bother you? I remember you talked about it before..."
He rubbed his eyes and instantly returned to his usual smiling self. "I-I'm okay, my love... Those days are gone." He gently moved me, got up, and offered his hand. "Let's go get something to eat."
Walking by his side, I realized this was the first time he had ever lied to me.
We went inside a fully packed house. He quickly left me and picked up a running Ilianna, laughing happily.
He seemed fine, but I couldn't forget what happened. Not only did my first steps into adulthood end in disaster, but now I had seen his tears, hidden behind a smile that reminded me of the one he wore before I fell in love with him.
I sat down between Demelza and my sister, who kept giving me suggestive looks, which I returned with a fake smile.
"So... how was—"
"Later."
Those fake smiles were useless. They could tell everything from my tone. Their expressions made me feel even worse about it. I kept looking at Zephyr playing with Anna.
In my delirious happiness, I had forgotten how much could still torment him. All those questions about himself never answered. Those damn dreams still plagued him, most likely every time he slept. No wonder he always got up early. He must have suffered deep down, and I hadn't even noticed.
I felt myself being grabbed and dragged away. It was Eli and Demelza.
"Why did you—"
"Do you want Zephyr to see you cry like that?"
I hadn't even noticed the tears falling from my eyes. Remembering why I was upset only made me cry without restraints. I let them lead me away from the house. We ended up near where we... were.
I told them everything that happened, even the things I was too embarrassed to tell. It took me some time to stop crying and calm down. My eyes were on fire. He couldn't see me like that. I couldn't have him think it was because of something he did.
Demelza spoke first.
"I didn't know... he had dreams like that. And I never saw him sad, I think." She looked at Eli for confirmation, and once she nodded, Demelza went on. "At least never in front of us. But you shouldn't blame yourself for those dreams or for your fears."
"She is right, Lylly. I doubt Zephyr would be one of those who gets bothered by that."
They didn't understand. I knew all of that. My reaction bothered me. My old self-doubts and fears had returned at the worst possible moment. Also, if others didn't see his suffering, that was fine. But I had to see it! If I couldn't, what good was I to him?
"Please stop looking like that, Lylly. You need to be there for him. He is heading up the mountain tomorrow," my sister patted my hand and pointed back toward the house. "Worrying about the future of all of us. You need to pull yourself together."
"Eleanor, maybe we should give her time. Lylly, go and wash your face... your eyes are very red. And try not to blame yourself before you talk to him," Demelza turned me toward the water and helped me up from the ground. "After all, you don't even know how he's feeling. Go and find out."
I walked down to the water to wash off my tears. I looked at the river and couldn't stop thinking: If only I hadn't ruined our perfect moment, would he still have had that nightmare?