-Is this how I acted back in my old world? What did she mean by that... Of course, it is. This need... I've always had it. I've always been like this.
This is not a lie.
This is how he's always been.
A being made not by choice, but rather from a need for survival. He abandoned his autonomy long ago, resulting in the void he now presents.
Decisions.
Choices.
Wants.
Seventeen years of life... And he has yet to figure out how to make them.
Life has always found a way to beat him down. To make him stop wanting to choose and decide. To make him stop wanting to do anything. To make him stop wanting.
He's convinced himself he doesn't matter. That his thoughts, feelings, and emotions don't matter. That nothing matters. That all choices are futile, and void of meaning and reason... Especially when made by him.
Nihilistic ideals stemming from deep-rooted memories and trials. Experiences and challenges the world has thrown in succeeding attempts to break him apart. Making all thought of choice erase from his abilities...
But when did it start? What drove him down such a road? Perhaps a singular event, or perhaps multiple...
Maybe nothing caused it at all...
Perhaps he was born a void.
Maybe gazing into the abyss of time and memory will uncover answers.
...
August 6th, 2009
Age 3
Memories this old are left in scraps. Worn and tethered to the point of obscurity. Are any recollections from these days even real? Are they simply dreams mistaken for reality? It's uncertain.
For one of these memories, however, he knows its certainty is true.
Saiph and Lance. Mother and Father.
Existing within his realm of recollection is not a single moment of them together... Except one.
The basement is flooding. Sweeping rain pounds against the roof and windows. Storms have always terrified him; this one is no different. The wind howls maniacally, as if taunting his little-boy heart.
But above all the noise. Above even the deafening storm... Are screams.
His parents' shouting shadows the shrieking storm. And it's more terrifying than anything he's heard before. His fear of thunder shrinks in the presence of theirs.
Young as he was, he looked up to these two figures more than anyone else... They were invincible, awe-inspiring, superhuman...
In his isolated world, the thought of it being destroyed had never once crossed to mind. Youthful wishes that nothing would ever change. That their happy life as a family would last forever...
What is marriage anyway? It's just mom and dad. They were here from the beginning... Why would they drift apart?
In his oblivion, he abandons the fetal position on his bed and drags his blanket across the floor. He enters the hallway and peeks between the stair's railings. The dimly lit setting is exploding in vibrant words.
"#*%&#%*#&*%#!"
"%#*#&%*%#&!"
What are they even saying? What are these words?
He doesn't understand. The only thing he knows is that they're upset.
Why is mommy crying?
Why does daddy look like that?
Young Sirius decides to head down the steps.
"#%*%&#%!"
"&##%*&#%*#!"
His tiny head tilts in confusion. What are they talking about? Why-
smack
His father's hand strikes his mother's cheek. The noise resounds throughout the house like thunder. All other noise goes white. All thoughts go white.
She looks horrified. Like someone died in front of her.
Tears spill out and seep into the carpet.
It all erupts.
"%*&#%*#%&*#%*&!"
"&#*%#&*%#&!"
#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%&#%*&#&%*#*%&%#&*#%&#*&#*&#%#&*&#*#%*&...
"Wh#t a%*ut t&e b#by?!"
His mother holds her sprouting stomach and weeps. She weeps and weeps and makes a storm sound soothing in comparison.
Her sobbing eyes catch the shape of her son.
"Sirius..."
He stands there with his blanket in his hands, squeezing it to wring out the slightest bit of comfort. Pooling tears run down his cheeks.
His father is furious. He gazes into the young boy's soul and then some. Thunder cracks and rattles the once-called home.
"Who would you rather live with?" Kneeling down, he places his hand on his son's shoulder. "Me or your mother? Who do you like more?"
...
....
"Huh?"
The boy doesn't understand. How could he? He's too scared. Why would dad ask that? What is he saying?
In his fright, he wraps himself around his mother's leg.
His father's face distorts, and his arm drops to his side.
"What are you thinking?! How could you ask something like that?!" She's shouting again. It's so loud. "He's three years old! Don't make him decide something like that!"
"&#%*&#%#*#%*&!"
"&*#%&*#&%#!"
The little boy cowers into his mother. He wants it to end. But it won't.
"Sirius." His mother bends down, bringing her wet face close to his. "Don't think about that. You don't have to choose anything, okay?"
Despite her tireless tears, she retains a smile in front of him.
All the boy can do is whimper helplessly. His mother brings him into her arms, and her warmth swallows him whole. He stuffs his face in her shoulder and cries. She whispers once more before the memory melts...
"You don't have to decide anything."
And so, he didn't. And when it came to his parents...
He never decided again.
Whatever they wanted, he complied. Through hatred and annoyance, he complied. It made things easier. It made them happy.
What would have happened if he had chosen? How would his life have been different...? Would he have come to enjoy his life? Would he have ended up being brought to this world?
Too many questions. And none that have answers.
June 27th, 2013
Age 8
Leaning against the bark of a great willow, the shade cools his warm skin.
He sits beneath the lone tree, soaking in what is to unknowingly become his last happy memory here.
Suddenly, a lump of dry grass plops on top of the boy's shaved head. His brother, Canopus, giggles and runs away. Seeking revenge, young Sirius rips out blades of grass and pursues his assailant.
Neighborhood friends join the war. They throw grass like snowballs and battle until the sun begins falling below the horizon. They roll down the hill, caking their clothes in green stains. Laughter fills the summer evening until the cicadas start to sing.
With night creeping closer, they hop onto their bikes and ride through the fireflies' light. They bid farewell to the friends they've had for years. The two brothers race home, and Sirius wins by a good margin. Canopus is frustrated per usual, but it is thankfully short-lived.
The two chat about their plans for the night. With no school tomorrow, the night belongs to them. They grab popsicles from the sweltering garage and head into the air-conditioned home. Their childlike laughter comes to a halt as the brothers stumble into the living room.
Their mother is crying. No noise or anguish is apparent. The only evidence is the tears running down her cheeks.
"Hi, my little stars," she sounds normal. "Can we talk for a moment?"
The brothers quietly sit down, giving each other concerned looks.
What follows next shatters their happy summer.
"I know this may be scary-"
"I don't want to move! I like living here!" Canopus cries. Being as young as he is, he hardly grasps what's happening.
"I know, honey, but mommy doesn't have enough money to stay here. I know you'll make more friends; you both are so smart and funny... Maybe you'll even like it better than here-"
"No, I won't! I hate you, mommy!" Canopus runs upstairs and slams the door to his bedroom.
Tears stream down their mother's face. She tries to wipe them away, but they are far too quick.
Sirius sits still, sunken in his chair. He doesn't say a word. He merely watches his mother cry before him.
His mind wanders into visions of his neighbors, his schoolmates, and the people he calls friends. Visions of leaving them behind. Sirius grows saddened and curls into a tight ball.
His mother approaches and sits down beside him, pulling him in close. Her hands are cold, but she's as warm as ever.
"Do you want to stay here, Sirius?"
His mother's question adds more confusion. She just told him they were leaving. Now she's asking if he wishes to stay.
He enjoys his life here. He has met people whom he enjoys being around. He enjoys going to the tree on that hill.
But he also loves his mother. He doesn't want to trouble her by making them stay. Money is an issue; he's known that for a while now. If he decides to stay, she will only become more upset. But if they move, the two brothers will leave everything behind.
"...I don't know."
She pulls him in closer.
"That's okay. You don't need to know. I'll figure something out..."
Her tears spill onto his cheeks, as sadness swallows the mother and child.
The outcome of this night results in the family moving to another town. Further from their friends, and closer to their father.
A series of similar events occur throughout the following years. And the relationship of the brothers dwindles and dissolves.
Meet people, move away. No money, move away.
Connection becomes a distant dream, and all promises to stay in touch are nothing more than embellished lies. Nothing ever lasts, and nothing ever will.
This cycle of departure continues, again and again, until Sirius decides...
Not to make friends.
January 13th, 2020
Age 13
Eighth grade.
Halfway through the year, Sirius moves to the school he'll reside in until death concludes his stay.
Art class is dull, and everyone is a stranger. He considers whether or not to even attempt making acquaintances. His mother's job should be steady enough to stay here until he graduates, but regardless...
It feels useless. He simply doesn't care. All people do is lie anyway. Nothing feels real, because nothing is.
...
Suddenly, a girl sits down beside him.
She has #&*%, #%#&*#%* hair and a %&#* complexion.
"Hey, you're new here, right?" Her voice is soft, yet so zealous.
Sirius nods and gives her a forced smile. He's made friends with plenty of boys, but never any girls. This is probably a dare by her friends, so he doesn't think too much about it. Instead, he simply acts as usual. Polite and perfect.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?"
"Go ahead." Sirius complies, ready for some sort of catch.
But it never comes. She talks and talks the entire class. Unbeknownst to her, Sirius consciously ignores her but acts as if he's listening. From the little he hears, apparently, she doesn't have many friends.
The class ends, and no other class contains her presence. Sirius tries to forget her existence, writing it off as a meaningless display of kindness toward a new kid, meant to make him feel like he belongs.
Surprisingly, the next day, she returns to his side and talks. She does the same the day after. And the day after that. And the day after that...
Everything about her screams friendliness, but something just... feels wrong to him.
After a couple of weeks, Sirius decides to drop his barrier. He listens to what she says and becomes captivated. For one reason or another, he doesn't want her to stop talking.
The following weeks carry on the same.
Sirius listens and shares about himself with her. She listens, fully captivated just as he does. She talks, and he listens. He talks, and she listens. Sirius has never told anyone the things he tells her.
Gradually, the two grow closer and closer. Sirius's mood improves considerably, not that anyone else would be able to tell. But she does.
They start going out as friends. Going to the mall, watching movies, biking to the abandoned arcade... They're pull towards each other with no one else in their way. Sirius hasn't even told his family of her; he doesn't want anyone to interrupt.
Before he knows it, feelings for her arise. For the first time in his life, he's in love.
"Where do you want to go today?" She asks as they walk out of school.
"Hmm, I don't know... Where do you want to go?"
"You always make me decide..." She pretends to sulk. "Can't you choose?"
"Uhh... The park?"
"The park?!? What are you, five?!"
"I don't know!"
They laugh it off and head to the park.
As they walk, Sirius finds himself enamored by her. She dazzles in his eyes.
-Should I... tell her how I feel?
They reach their destination and climb around on the kiddie equipment, cracking jokes and laughing. Sirius feels light, as if he's walking on air. Life has always felt unnecessarily heavy, but with her... With her, he's-
ding
Her phone chimes, pulling him out of his daze.
"Oh!"
"What's up?" Sirius asks, hanging upside-down off a bar.
"I just scored a date tomorrow!"
...
His heart drops.
He feels his chest constricting, ready to suffocate his sunken self.
"Oh...?"
"Hehe!" She squeals in excitement. "I'm so excited! He's so hot- Ah, what should I wear? What should I do with my hair?"
"..."
-When did she develop a crush on someone else? Why didn't I notice? Why am I so upset? What was I expecting...?
Sirius falls off the bar.
The next day, Sirius walks home alone. For half of the school year now, she's walked with him to either his mother or father's house, despite it being out of her way home. She's always been kind. She's always seen him as a friend.
She is his... f#*e%d. Right?
...No. He never saw her as such.
His feelings flicker.
The following weeks include him helping with her potential boyfriend. He picks what she wears, how she does her hair, her makeup, and where they should go... He hopes desperately that her feelings fall apart.
But they never do.
One day, right after school ends, he hears her voice from behind.
"Sirius!"
He turns around and greets her with a happy smile.
"What's up-" The sight before him practically cuts off his tongue. There she stands, hand-in-hand with the guy she's been chasing. He stands proud on the taller side. She was right... he is hot.
"Guess what!"
"...What-"
"We started dating!"
Her happiness resounds through his eardrums. Pure joy in every syllable.
He feels his heart get torn apart.
All he can do is offer her a fake smile.
"That's awesome! Sorry, but I have to go. Tell me about it later!" He runs off before he hears another word.
The way home is silent. Apart from the sound of static.
That night, she texts him.
She tells him she's happy. He tells her he's glad.
This is a happy moment for her, so why aren't you happy for her?
#%^#&%: Is something wrong?
Sirius: What do you mean?
#%^#&%: You seem upset about something.
Sirius: Why would I be?
#%^#&%: I don't know. I mean, it's not like you liked me or anything, right?
...
...
He never talks to her again.
Anytime he spots her in the halls, he promptly runs away. A new semester begins, and the class they shared is replaced with one without her. He ignores her until she becomes a distant memory...
A childish response. A childish, selfish, and envious response.
It was a love that was his own fault. That he decided to make himself. An unrequited love of his own making. She never saw him like that. She did nothing wrong. She saw him as a friend. He should be content with that. He's always wanted a real friend. But his selfishness, his shallowness, always drives him and others away.
What did she even look like? What was her image? Who knows. Her face is a memory lost to time. Just like he wanted. Even without memory loss, he tried to bury her, confining her to the basic outline of a person. But it doesn't matter what she looked like. Her purpose was handed to him...
Her existence was to prove to him something he learned long ago.
That, for as long as he is himself, no one will ever care for him the way he wishes. And he will care for no one.
That connection is impossible. That love is a dream not meant for him to dream.
Just as the feeling of parental love and the concept of friendship are futile, so too is affection. It's best to remain an empty slate. It's best to remain unfeeling, and thus unhurt.
Don't make friends.
Don't get close to anyone.
Don't feel anything toward anyone.
In the end...
He decided not to love.
May 2nd, 2021
Age 15
Soccer is an escape.
To get away from his father. To get away from his mother. He feels like he is slowly losing his mind around them. Despite his fondness for his mother, she is still frustrating to be around. His indifference, his lack of feeling he placed upon himself, tears him apart whenever he's near her.
On the field, it is only slightly more tolerable. But he takes whatever he can get.
He smiles that tiring smile, being the model teammate that he is. Caring, supportive, funny... Everything you could want out of someone.
His teammates love him, praise him... But nothing is ever felt. He holds his teammates in no regard, not even a sliver of care is left for them. He just wants to play. To do something.
A tournament approaches. The team is practicing hard. Sirius, being moderately skilled, is in need of improvement. But he feels no motivation to do it.
Despite his unwillingness, he presses on. Every day after team practice, when he comes home, he goes into the backyard and practices by himself. Until fatigue makes him break, he presses on.
But despite his efforts, he doesn't improve. He's stagnant.
When the first game of the tournament arrives, his team is marginally ahead. Everyone has improved, it's easy to see. He feels left behind.
The skill gap becomes apparent.
His self-consciousness makes him choke. Every time he's given the ball, it ends up in the other team's possession. He falters at the critical moments, and at his position, that mostly involves missing shots and making poor crosses. Off-sides. Penalties. It all comes crashing down.
His team's lead slims into a choking tie.
Overtime comes, and Sirius is exhausted by his own failures. One more goal and victory is theirs. The striker of their team gets injured, and the coach suggests Sirius play upfront.
"What do you say? Can you try playing the nine?"
"I'm not sure-"
"No time for hesitation, you're going out there, alright?"
The ball comes into play, and everyone plays their best. Perfect passing and communication. The chemistry of the team is admirable.
A perfect pass lands at his feet, and Sirius drives down the field. He sprints past the opposing team and finds himself in front of the finish. All that stands between him and victory is the goalkeeper.
With a final shot, he drives the ball towards the goal...
And into the goalie's arms.
...
They lose the game.
His teammates assure him it wasn't a big deal, but he thinks otherwise.
Sirius throws his bag in the corner and lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling fan. A random burst of... something, takes his mind to drawing. He's always enjoyed doodling and sketching, and he's not too bad at it either.
Grabbing a pencil and one of his old drawing notebooks, he lies on his back and sketches the fan. He stares at what he's created, somewhat pleased.
Turning the pages of the notebook, he lands on a page from over a year ago. On the paper is a drawing of the same fan.
And it's better. So much better than what he just drew. The line quality, the shading, everything...
He stares at the image for a while, his mind flooding with hate.
...
He crumples the notebook and throws it across the room.
Before he knows it, his grades catch up with him. He was so focused on soccer that his academics tanked. They have been slipping for a while now, but this is a new low...
With multiple tests on the horizon, he studies. He studies until his brain can't function and then sleeps. He puts soccer aside and his skills plummet further. He gives everything possible to earn a good grade, and when the test results come back...
No improvement.
His grades drop even further.
...
...
Not in sports. Not in drawing. Not in school... Not in anything.
Nothing ever changes. Not himself or the world around him.
He stagnates. And when he tries not to, he sinks further.
Effort is meaningless. To try is to delude oneself.
Change is impossible.
And so...
He decided not to care.
He decided not to try.
November 14th, 2023
Age 17
He stares at the paper.
Career: ____________
College of choice: _____________
...
He's never thought of it before. His idle days have conditioned him into thinking that nothing will ever change.
-What do I want to do with my life?
Presented the question, his thoughts scatter. He taps his pencil against the page, tapping to the rhythm of the ticking clock.
The day concludes with nothing written on the lines.
"Your teacher emailed me. She said you haven't turned in your future plans." His father's displeased tone irritates the boy.
"Oh yeah, I just didn't know what to write down." Sirius gives his father a soulless smile.
"You're going to be a doctor, aren't you?"
The way he says it is as if this had been decided for years. Well, in a way, it has... His father has always expected him to become either a doctor or a professional athlete. No in-between.
"Right..." Sirius laughs it off, assuring his father he has made that choice.
...
The paper remains unfilled a week later.
"Hey, Sirius! Do you want to go on a bike ride with me?"
His mother's rare suggestion catches him off guard. They hardly ever go out to do something.
"Sure!" He giddily accepts, just wanting something new to do, and the mother-son duo set off.
It is an odd occurrence. Not even Canopus was invited to tag along. Not that he would accept the offer...
Their small car passes through the countryside. Trees seem to fly past as they speed along the dirt road. The satisfying crunch of small rocks is accompanied by the smell of passing nature.
With a screech of the tires, the car comes to a halt.
"Where are we?"
"Hehe~" She smirks. "I heard there was a waterfall in the forest around here."
"In the middle of nowhere?"
"Come on!" She turns off the car, and they each pull out their mountain bikes. Sirius hasn't used his in years.
Riding over fallen leaves, they skim across a hardly recognizable path. They weave through low-hanging branches and glide over shallow water, getting their shoes wet. His mother talks about work, about a dog she saw while shopping, and other random things. Sirius listens to her rambling, not knowing what to say. He simply responds when spoken to and smiles like he cares.
The trail comes to a dead end, and his mother ponders what to do next.
"Where should we go from here?" Sirius asks, taking in the scenic environment.
"Hmm..." She hops off her bike and walks over to a nearby bush. She shifts the leaves and peers behind the blockade. "Aha, the trail continues through here!"
-Why is she so energetic?
They walk their bikes around the bush and continue up the hill. Handles in hand, they step over jutting tree roots.
"Hey, Sirius, what kind of rock is that?"
"Hm? I don't know, considering its color and where we are... I'd assume granite." He laughs at the odd question. "Why?"
"...Just curious." She gleefully skips on ahead.
The top of the steep hill brings them to a clearing with a tiny water feature that leads into a shallow stream.
"Is that your waterfall?"
"It's smaller than I was expecting, but I believe so."
They grab a seat on top of two large boulders at the edge of the stream. The two watch the clear water run through the molded Earth. Sunlight pokes through the autumn leaves, glistening in the water below.
"Do you like nature?" His mother asks in the same curious way.
Of all the unknowns in his life, this is one thing he knows the definite answer to.
"I do."
"..."
"..."
"So, I heard you've got some late assignments."
"Way to kill the mood," he jokes.
She giggles.
"Aw, I love it when you kid around like that."
"..."
"Anyways, tell me about it."
"Ah, it's just some future plans stuff. I don't know what to write."
"Do you have any ideas for the future? About what you want to do?"
"...Not really. A doctor, maybe?"
"Is that really what you want to do?"
"...I don't know."
"Hmm."
A melancholic air absorbs the atmosphere.
All he can think to do is apologize.
"Sorry..."
"Oh, don't apologize," his mother teases. "You're still young, you don't need to have everything figured out. Heck, I didn't know what I wanted to be until I was in my twenties. I'm still unsure even now!"
"..." Sirius chuckles. "Some adult you are."
"I think society puts too much emphasis on things like career and futures. I think it's much more important to do random things in the moment. Like what we're doing now."
"..." Sirius can't help but think of all the times he's seen her on that chair. Drinking wine, mindlessly watching a show... So this is how she wishes her life would be...
"Well, you said you like nature, right?"
"Mm."
"Why not go into something related to that? Maybe marine biology? Or own a zoo? Oh! Or maybe geology? You're pretty knowledgeable when it comes to rocks."
"...That doesn't feel like a compliment. But, geology could be interesting..."
"You think so? That's great! You should look into it and see if it calls to that big brain of yours." She pokes him on the forehead.
"...Okay."
...
A part of him will feel guilty if he goes down this road. What would his father think? He would be disappointed, that's for sure. But then what of his mother? From the sound of it, she wants him to live a life he enjoys, and not end up like her...
-Stop overthinking it... Just... Do as you're told.
The following day, without researching anything beforehand, he fills out the sheet.
Career: Geologist
College of choice: Undecided
After mindlessly following his mother's advice, he comes to a realization.
He hasn't done a single thing he's wanted to these last couple of years. He willingly does what anyone asks of him with a smile. After all, it's what people expect him to do. It's what he has made everyone expect from him. That he is perfect.
He realizes he's forgotten what he even wanted to do with his life. He's forgotten how to want. He's forgotten how to live as himself.
At some point or another...
He decided not to live.
⧗⧖⧗⧖⧗
Aureole closes the cover of her studying notebook.
She stretches her arms and exits her room. She wasn't able to get much done this morning. Her thoughts were occupied with worry for a certain someone. She worries that during their last encounter, she sounded harsh and unpleasant. She can't have him thinking she's like that.
So, she decides to seek him out. Perhaps she'll find out what's truly troubling him.
She checks his room, but there is no sign of him. Out of curiosity, she decides to snoop around.
His bed looks unslept in and piles of clothes are littered around the floor.
A journal is spread out on top of his desk. The writing is incomprehensible but consistent enough to deduce it as a different language. The currently open page is crinkled and scribbled on.
Entering the bathroom, her attention is immediately brought to the mirror. A carved smiley face stares back into her gradient eyes. Chills run through her wings, and she decides to leave his dimly lit room.
Aureole makes her way to the door for the next room over. She hesitates to knock as she doesn't know Korlin that well. But, remembering how he acted with Pholy, she steels herself and knocks.
No response.
With Pholy on her mind, she decides to search for her too. Maybe she knows where Sirius is.
It doesn't take long. Aureole finds Pholy with ease, as she has memorized her friend's rough schedule. She always knows where to find her, since she hardly ever leaves.
Her friend resides in the kitchen.
Pholy shoots a pink spark from her fingertip, which lights the stove ablaze. Meat identical to bacon begins sizzling in a pan.
"Pholy?"
"Aure! What's up? Do you want some ryge skins?"
"They do smell good..." Temptation threatens to overtake her mission. "Wait, maybe later, do you know where Sirius is?"
"Ehhhh..." She groans at the mention of him. "He just asked me to teach him gardening so that he could "be useful" or something."
"What did you say?"
"What do you think?"
"Mm, I wish you'd be a teensy bit more friendly."
"I know, I know, he just gives me strange vibes." She flips the ryge skins over and fuels more pink flame to the stove. "He's being way too polite, and it freaks me out."
"I know what you mean..."
"Was he always this... formal? He seemed normal when I first met him. More normal than the other one at least..."
"No, he wasn't... That's why I want to find him." Sirius is losing his memories, that's what he told her. Undoubtedly, mixed with dying and being brought to this mansion, he is overwhelmed. He's scared and doesn't know what to do. Aureole desires to comfort him in any way she can, she knows how scary being roped in with royalty can be. "Do you know where he went?"
"I think just over there, down the hall." The small girl points further down the hall. "Though, for some reason, he grabbed a knife on his way out."
"A knife?! Why??"
Aureole starts to panic. The entire time she's been acquainted with Sirius, he's been in a troublesome mental state. Him being alone with a knife gives her unease.
"Not sure... I was trying to get him to loosen up, so I joked saying, "Instead of trimming plants, you should focus on trimming your hair" and he agreed. So maybe he's cutting his hair with the knife?"
Aureole's mouth hangs open.
"...And you just let him go?"
"I'm making food," she pouts.
"Huh," Aureole sighs. "Save me some!"
She runs out of the kitchen and away from the pleasant scent of food. She rushes through the hall toward the closest bathroom. That's the only room this way with a mirror.
Sure enough, as she slams the door open, the figure of a boy stands in front of the mirror. His umber hair is dripping wet, and a jagged cooking knife threatens to cut off his bangs.
"Ah!" Startled by her entrance, Sirius accidentally slices off a small chunk of hair. Strands fall into the sink below.
...
"What are you doing...?"
"Haha- I'm just- Just trimming my hair up a bit. It's gotten a little long, you know?"
Sirius's facade is blatantly clear. He doesn't want to cut his hair.
"It looks fine to me..."
"You think so? Thanks, yours looks pretty, too." His flattery goes nowhere.
"..."
Sirius raises the knife to his hair once more. He lifts the blade against a handful of soft strands.
"Sirius, put the knife down, please..."
"It's alright, I'm just going to cut a little. Or maybe I should shave it?"
"Do you know what you're doing?"
"...Of course, it's just hair."
"That's... not what I mean."
Sirius carefully puts down the small blade.
"..."
"..."
"You know..." His somber voice is cloaked with a shallow laugh. "My entire life, I've had short hair. Basically shaved."
"O-Oh?" He's finally saying something.
"My dad would always shave my head when I was little... Then, eventually, he had my hair look exactly like his." Reflecting in the mirror is the image of his father's head. Sirius diverts his view. "Up until a couple of months ago, that's just how it was..."
"Why'd you decide to grow it out?"
"...I don't know."
...
"Um..." She tries to lighten the mood. "Do you like your hair long?"
"...Yeah. I like how it looks."
"Well, there you go! You like it, isn't that reason enough?" She stands beside him, and they look at each other in the reflection.
"It shouldn't be this long... My dad would be upset." Curling his hair around his fingertips, he scoffs at himself.
"Don't say that... I'm sure he doesn't care what you look like."
"..."
"Er, I shouldn't say that, should I? I don't know your family situation, I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize." He gives her a closed-lip smile. "Things like that don't bother me."
"...I say... You should keep it how you want. Your father isn't here, so you don't need to try and please him."
"..." Sirius laughs. "I don't know how I want it."
"..."
"Can you decide? What should I do?"
"I don't know if I should-"
"Please?"
"...I..." She doesn't know what to say. He's never looked this pathetic.
-Should I really make this decision?
"Um, since you like the look of it..."
"Do you like the look of it?"
"Huh- Uhm..." This is an unnecessarily hard conversation for her. She decides to answer truthfully. "I... do."
A bright smile emerges on his features.
"Then, I guess I'll keep it long then."
She gains a subtle discomfort from his sweet reply.
"...Yeah."
"Oh, I should probably get to class. Sorry for taking from your time." Standing straight, he grabs the rigid blade. "I should probably return this, too..." Knife in hand, his footsteps retract themselves from the room.
Seeing him walk away from her in this state again, she desperately wants to intervene.
"Sirius!"
"Yes?"
"I said that you could talk to me, didn't I?!"
Desperation reaches out to rip the boy out of his delusions.
But he doesn't hear it.
"What's there to talk about? I'm totally fine! I shouldn't bother you." He smiles. "I'll see you later!"
His pace hastens, and he disappears from view.
...
Silently standing in the corridor, Aureole fiddles with her wristlet.
"It's me, isn't it? I'm doing something wrong." She scratches her throat. "Sorry, Sirius... I don't know how to help you."