Hey, Folks.
How's it going in your corner of the world?
I hope life is treating you well.
Me?
Eh, lol.
I am fine, actually!
I've been a bit in my chest as of late, but it is all for the better.
Cathartic, if you will.
Letting go of people, things, events.
Old and heavy shadows.
Letting go of things... PEOPLE whom I had poured years and years and years into.
It is a painful process, but one that, if real growth is to be had, must be partaken of.
I was -at one time- madly in love with the woman whom the better part of this old journal is written about.
I met her when I was but 16 years old.
Once she initiated our "relationship", I lost myself in her, in trying to "fix and rescue" her from a storm that she never truly wanted to leave.
For nearly a decade, I worshipped the very ground that she walked on.
I loved her unconditionally.
Unconditionally.
I loved the air that she breathed.
I bought her anything and everything she wanted.
Sent her across the country.
I paid off our rent and bills in advance, just to make life as easy for her as possible.
I longed for, pined for, and chased after her from the age of 20 till the day I left her, seven months before my 34th birthday.
I chased after her from the age of 20 till the day I left her, seven months before my 34th birthday.
I chased after her from the age of 20.
I chased after her.
I chased the woman that I was ENGAGED to...
Saying that out loud makes it that much more... Real.
That much more fucking ridiculous, lbvs.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but I am sure that none of MY readers need this advice:
Attraction should be mutual, Folks.
Don't chase.
Don't waste your precious and irreplaceable time trying to convince someone to like you.
To see you for who and what you are.
To love you.
Don't.
What is for you will come to you naturally.
It took me 3.5 years after my separation, and a shit-ton of healing and crap to realize and accept that.
I say all of that just to say this:
Let go.
Heal.
Please.
Holding on to all of the ways that you've been wronged will only get harder and heavier as you live on.
Let that shit die.
I am doing my best to do just that, you know?
As for my exe?
Live and let live.
"I swallowed my pride, and I sat down and prayed.
I haven't seen her face or those clouds since that day."
I will let you all get to what you came to get to lol.
Enjoy!
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August 20th, 2013.
Journal #075.
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And so, another day draws to a close.
Not a bad one, just a seemingly long one.
I need to stop staying up so late and sleep much more.
So far, God has kept me afloat with everything going on.
XXXXX.
XXXXX.
This house.
Work.
I hope all continues to go smooth.
I hate speed bumps.
-----
Hmm.
Nothing too crazy, by the sounds of it.
-I still stay up a bit later than I probably should, given my line of work, and my need to be mentally sharp enough to write, lol. It was never easy for me to just lie down and fall asleep, you know? I would envy people who had that ability, as even when I was exhausted, I could never just "pass out" as people say.
These days, sleeping comes a bit easier for me, and maybe that is tied to being a lot less stressed as well, you know?
- The two sets of XXXXX referred to my most recent ex, the Goth, and my then-ex. The one whom I had actually left in hopes of being with said Goth.
I remember her asking me about the Goth a few times, and I am sure that she knew how I felt about her.
That fucking sucks that I was so caught up in her that I selfishly pushed away someone who genuinely loved me.
You know what suck more?
She wasn't the only one.
I wish I could talk to those women, if only to apologize for how stupid, immature, and full of lust I was for that one woman.
The one who wanted NOTHING from me but maybe dick occasionally.
"Meat", as she would call it.
I wish I could apologize for hurting and driving them away.
They didn't deserve any of that.
I wasn't cruel or mean to them in any way, but it was still wrong of me not to focus on the love that they had for me while they were in a position to give me such love, you know?
Hmm.
Both of them were amazing, smart, talented, well-balanced, caring, kind, and so much more.
Maybe THEY dodged a bullet by not being subjected to me?
Maybe I wasn't meant to be blessed with that level of love.
Maybe I am single because I am just not meant to receive whatever true and unconditional love is.
Hmm.
Maybe my most recent ex was an elongated karma sentence from those hearts that I hurt while chasing someone else's?
Hmm, and hmm again.
-The house? It was a two-bedroom apartment, and I loved it. It was my official first place. I was far too kind and I let the wrong people move in and have extended stays...
People who I thought were my friends, but were only using me for what I could do for them, and boy, did I do, and do, and do, and do.
One of the last things my stepdad said to me before he died was:
"You are too fucking nice, and you will always be behind and struggling because you put everyone before you!"
He wasn't wrong, you know?
He wasn't wrong.
Even now, I am behind.
Such is life.
This world is full of enough cold, hard people.
I refuse to not be kind.
Maybe I am too kind to the WRONG people, but I can and will never be TOO kind.
Nor should you, Folks.
-The new Boys & Girls Club turned out to be a bust due to my new boss just being a whole ass prick. He would go on to lose his job after firing me, and good riddance.
I am not one to wish ill on anyone; nonetheless, karma comes for everyone.
I did nothing but good by that man and those students, for as long as I could, with the skills that I had.
Sometimes our best is just not good enough for something, and that is okay.
-Till this day, I have a habit of referring to problems as "speed bumps". That's just how I see 'em, you know? Life rolls on. Why let things bring you to a full stop?
I will leave you all at that, and I hope it sits well with you until the next one!
I love and appreciate all that you do for me just by listening to my shit and weird little stories lol.
Young Me would have loved to have all of you.
109.26K English views and 43.94K Spanish views would have worked wonders for Young Me's confidence, lol.
See you soon, Folks.
Safe travels1
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
And I will do my best to do the same.
-Redd.