It hurt, it hurt so damn bad. The effort I had to use to push it back, to push it away, and stop the stupid pounding only made it worse. I crumbled to my knees, hands pressed against my head and eyes clenched closed. I sobbed, blood felt hot and fast dripping down my nose, my vision was swaying with my own heart beating quicker, more aggressive.
The voice was becoming wild, harder, and harsh, and thrashing its hold in my head. I was practically screaming my lungs dry, sobbing an endless river, and my limbs shaking like a baby.
It hurts.. make it stop, please!
"You know what you have to do."
The voice lulled against my head, causing a yelp from the sudden crashing it caused. I shook my head wildly, trying to focus on the darkness that was my own eyelids.
"Except it and the pain will go away."
"No!" I screamed to the unknown, throwing a hand back to where it was pressed against my ear. I felt nothing but the wind and the wild trembling of my wings. I curled in on myself, covering my head in the fetal position on the grass.
"No more pain. Let it happen."
I didn't want it to! I promised Janus I wouldn't remember, that I wouldn't let the memories get to me! That I wouldn't sleep on purpose.. I-I didn't want to remember!
I cried and cried, hoping for something to stop the force digging holes inside my head and crushing its insides. Janus—the goddess, my goddess? I needed her. I needed something, anything, at this point; otherwise, I was ready to give in just to stop the skull-crushing pain.
I tried to breathe, tried to think of anything but the pain. I was failing. The trickle of vines that crept on the greenhouse, reclaiming what was theirs, felt so far from my mind. Everything was gone, leaving nothing but pain and fear.
I had no control. I never had control.
"You remember it?"
The voice suddenly boomed, erupting in a scream just as my body gave out, and I collapsed into my arms. I thrashed around, pushing against the walls in my own mind, desperate to break free. I couldn't breathe; something was clogging my mouth and filling my lungs with a cold pressure that kept piling up.
I coughed, finally breaking through as I reached out. I took in raspy breaths; my body felt so cold from the numbness. I couldn't dwell on that right now. Waves were crashing over me from the downpour, and I was searching for any sign of Dawson, trying to call out his name over the loud rush of water. It crashed back over me, sending me underwater once more.
When I resurfaced, I yacked out my lungs, breathing in sharp, unsteady breaths before calling out for him again.
"Dawson! Dawson—" I hit something once I was pushed into the water. My back stung as it scraped along the rocks below the rushing water. I sucked in the water; it quickly filled my lungs, and my vision blurred together in the deep, blue, murky water.
I could do nothing; I could just feel the fight being ripped away from me. The blue sea of darkness finally pushed me over, sinking me further and further into the darkness, when suddenly.
I coughed out breaths, hanging over the edge as my insides burned for fresh air. I continued to cough, collapsing to my side as the surroundings around me slowly became apparent. The first thing I saw was my lieutenant's face hovering over mine, his hand patting my back to release all the water that was sucked in.
"Breathe, just breathe, Vi.." His soothing voice was strong compared to the rushing water behind me. I lay on my back, finally flipping to my side to vomit all the water inside my lungs.
He patted my back, moving slightly, which made his warmth escape. I coughed, teary eyes finding his blurry figure now standing. "What..cough- what h-happened.."
The man gave a low chuckle, looking at me with soft eyes. "Your psycho ass threw us off the cliff." He shook his head, patting my shoulder. "Make sure you get all the water out of you, eh?"
I gulped, feeling very sick and in need to vomit again. I nodded, forcing a finger down my throat and throwing up every last liquid that was suffocating me.
Dawson gave me the time to do this, scouting around us until I was finally able to breath without pain. He helped me up, aiding me with a shoulder as he took us into the trees. He set me beside a tree stump that I used to catch my breath, again.
I caught him looking at his things, making sure he had bullets. He looked down at me. "How much do you have?"
I groaned, feeling like my limbs were ripping in half every time I moved. But I managed to look at my holster where I had my blade and a pistol, along with some bandages. I clocked the gun to look at my mag, counting in my head before groaning.
"I don't got many.. shit." I wiped my head with my sleeve, which was muddier than my skin. "I used most of it on those shitheads."
"It's okay," he groaned, sitting beside me, and I sank lower at his provided warmth. "What... what happened to the rest of the team?"
The slight unease in his voice made me wince; he was clearly concerned for the team. I gave a tight nod, wincing again as my head spun with the motion. "I managed to get them out before the tent went up in flames. I told them to run in the opposite direction from me, and then I found you." He stared at me, looking a bit awed. "They're smart... they'll find a way to contact backup and reach safety."
"And us..." Dawson sighed, sinking further against the rock. He rubbed his hand over his face and groaned, curling his legs into his chest. "I lost my contact in the water when we fell. We're going to have to walk back up there and hope the enemy is gone, then salvage whatever wasn't burned."
The slight unease in his voice made me wince; he was clearly concerned for the team. I nodded tightly and winced again as my head spun with the motion. "I managed to get them out before the tent went up in flames. I told them to run in the opposite direction from me, and then I found you." He stared at me, looking slightly awed. "They are smart... They'll find a way to contact the backup and get to safety."
"And us..." Dawson sighed, sinking deeper into the rock. He rubbed his hand across his face and groaned, curling his legs to his chest. "I lost my contact in the water when we fell. We're going to have to walk back up there, hoping the enemy is gone, and salvage what we can that wasn't burned."
I nodded, ignoring the hot tears mixing with the cold river water. "How long should we wait?"
"I was always told the sooner the better." He chuckled, trying to smile through the clear anxiety he felt. He raked his eyes over me, smile turning soft. "But it looks like you need some time, take a break, and I'll scout to make sure it's clear to go from here."
I huffed, ignoring the stinging sensations bubbling up my throat. "I don't need that. I think we should go now." I took a look up at the hill we had jumped off from, feeling irritated at being pushed towards that place because of those bastards. "I'm good to go when you are. Just let me watch your back."
Dawson gave me a once-over, slightly creasing his brows before letting out a sigh. He stood, rubbing his soaked pants with his palms before he reached out towards me. I let him pull me up, hanging on his side where I could feel his body breathe.
"Okay, if you're up for it, keep your knife out." He turned, looking around for the way back up. "We're going to have to hike up that hill. Are you sure you got this?"
I smirked, placing the knife from my belt between my fingers for easy reach. "I was top of the 'class,' wasn't I?" He smiled back at me, giving playful eye rolls before venturing on into the trees in the direction we had fallen from.
He suddenly stopped, nearly causing me to run into him. The lieutenant was silent for a moment, making me feel concerned as I reached out for him. He turned, casting a glance at my belt before letting out a heavy sigh. "Do you trust me, Vi?" I smiled tighter, trying to ignore the ache in my heart from the way he looked at me. I nodded, and the man grinned wider as he extended his hand. "Let me see your pistol for a second."
I laughed, handing over the gun that Dawson had inspected. "You gonna steal my bullets?" I joked.
He laughed, rolling his eyes before placing it back into my hands. "Don't you think you're gonna need them?"
"I'm pretty good with a close combat weapon." I gloated, swinging the knife around to show off.
He chuckled, turning and continuing on. "I might need the bullets, though, if I am in the front. I don't want to take it from you."
"You're not gonna take them if I give them to you?" I laughed, clipping the pistol and taking the mere 4 bullets out. I stopped beside the man, holding it out for him. "I trust you to protect me from the enemy's guns, and I'll protect you from their blades."
He smiled, a low shadow in his eyes that was quickly pushed away when he took the bullets from me. "Are you sure? You trust me with your life?"
His voice dimmed, eyes searching anywhere but me.
I shrugged, finding his sudden change of tone odd. "Yeah—you're my lieutenant after all." I looked up in the sky, my face growing warm. And my friend."
A slow stinging in my heart made me wince, closing my eyes to brush it off when it only grew. I felt ready to crumble to my knees. I felt like things were sucking at my skin, tearing at my limbs, and eating my insides alive. I could scream if I wasn't forced to continue walking as if I didn't feel like I was dying.
My eyes watered, I pulled and pushed at the conscious and even the me that was walking as if nothing was wrong. Something was bad; the fear and dread were too intense!
"Take the bullets back."
A sudden feminine voice halted me, and my eyes widened as my legs shook under my own weight. I could only gasp out weak pleas, thrashing around like a wild animal, desperate to escape this dream. This memory was thrust upon me—the pain should have been gone!
Why was it still here?
Why was it stronger than before? That wasn't fucking fair!
"TAKE THEM BACK."
It was louder than before, and I could no longer stand it. I could no longer stand at all.
I fell, tumbling over myself through the conscious, trying to grip and pull myself back to it. I fought back, crying, screaming, and thrashing like a child desperate to escape a bad dream.
I flew forward, suddenly wielding a Branchie. The trunk of a tree was the only thing in my line of sight.
Suddenly filled with desperate rage, I lunged forward and cut the tree in half. It fell with a loud thud, and my skin felt like it was sizzling beneath my muscles, while my eyes watered like a waterfall. I could feel blood trickling from my nose, or perhaps even from my eyes, as my entire body burned with heat.
The rage was unsettling, wild, and unhinged. I pounced on another innocent tree, tearing it to shreds. I screamed, swinging my mighty sword around until everything around me lay in ruins beneath my feet, which crushed what remained.
I was angry. So angry at myself, at whatever tormenting motherfucker that was pulling the strings of my torment.
I couldn't even stop myself; I let it pull me into a memory, only for it to rip me back out hard and aggressively.
Why did it want me to take the bullets back? Why did I feel so scared and angry at Dawson? I could feel it emanating from him, my shaking limbs and tearful eyes turning red at the mere sight of him slipping those bullets into his pocket.
The regret.. I was regretting it.
Why? I trusted him; Dawson proved time and time again that he could fight and protect me when that time comes. So, why these sudden thoughts, making him feel like he wasn't... Himself?
All of that pissed me off even more.
I continued the rageful rampage, ignoring the blood smeared into my skin, tears inking into my face. Everything was nothing-
I huffed as I steadied myself. The tip of the Branchie finally came to a stop when it landed on a stag, the one adorned with beautiful flowers swirling around its antlers. I knew this stag well; I had witnessed its creation.
My breath came in quick gasps, and the adrenaline surged as I focused on the creature before me. I continued to breathe deeply, my limbs trembling as the Branchie shook in my tight grip.
Once I finally caught my breath, I slowly lowered the Branchie to my side. It was caked in dirt and scuff marks from my frantic movements against the bark. My arms quivered, tears stained my face, mingling with my own blood. I felt so lifeless, so broken, and incredibly foolish.
The stag let out a huff, shaking its large head and sending petals cascading around it. It turned, its wings fidgeting against its fur. My body trembled, but I held my ground, continuing to watch the creature as it made a soft sound in greeting. I turned my head slightly to catch sight of a fawn stumbling over to the stag. The fawn made little noises, its wings spreading open and scattering feathers onto the ground.
They greeted each other, nuzzling one another's noses before moving off into the trees and away from me.
I finally felt the weight in my shoulders pull when my knees crashed into the dirt. The Branchie lay forgotten near my side, head hung low, and I let the tears come. Rubbing at my nose that left trails of blood across my arms and skin. My body was hacking all of its energy out, making me wheeze to catch my breath from the relentless sobbing.
All I knew was crying, pity, fear, and anger.
Could I feel nothing else but those things?
This was stupid. I'm stupid.
I don't know how long it has been, but my knees were sore from being pressed into the dirt. My limbs finally stopped shaking enough for me to catch my breath and breathe normally. I raked a hand down my face, moaning at the calmness of my heart.
I sat up, my sore body protesting the movement, but I managed to push through. The Branchie was still sitting beside me, and I couldn't help but glare at the weapon that felt utterly useless. It didn't function like a gun, which I knew how to use; it wasn't small like the blade I had wielded to take many lives. Being a Warrior Angel felt pointless!
A groan came out before I could stop it, scooping up my knees into my chest and holding myself there. The sun beat through the tree lines, giving warmth to my already sweaty skin.
None of them came after me, did they? I gave a glance at the trees through which I had come. I don't know why I'm having these selfish thoughts all of a sudden.
Of course, they didn't follow me; I told them not to.
"Or are they scared of you?"
I spun around, my eyes wide with shock at the sudden voice that seemed to come from nowhere. My teeth clenched as I felt the urge to cry again. I must be losing my mind; the voices were almost relentless. Each time I heard them, I experienced the same crushing pain in my head. There was no fighting it; it had already shown me that it had control over me.
I wanted to stand up, to get up and leave, go back to my cove or back to my friends and apologize or something-
"Do they really want to see you?"
The deep mockery made me seethe. I thrashed an elbow behind me when I heard it. But of course, no one is there. "Go away!"
Silence surrounded me, with nothing but the echo of my own voice in the forest. This only reinforced my fear that I was losing my mind. That annoying voice in my head was probably right; the way Rue and Brick looked at me with such fear confirmed it. They even said I appeared terrified. Red eyes? Were they exaggerating, or had it really happened?
All this anxiety was making me crave the touch or just the presence of Janus. The goddess, I was missing her so much. Where was she?
I can't help but feel selfish. She's far too busy for someone like me—she's a goddess, after all, with far more important things to focus on than an angel throwing a tantrum. I trust her completely and love her enough to give her a hold on my heart. But taking up her time feels selfish, and longing for her like this is selfish too.
"Or she doesn't want to see you?"
"Shut the fuck up!" I growled, rewinding my wings and throwing them in the air. Feathers dusted down onto me, but the voice stopped.
I refused to let myself think negatively about Janus. I know she loves and cares for me just like Dawson does. I trust them, and that's all that matters. No irrational voice in my head can convince me otherwise.