My head feels like it's about to split in half, I thought with a groan, struggling to keep my eyes open.
When I tried to get up, I immediately felt the weight of something wrapped around my chest. I looked down, unsure of what I was expecting to find, but it turned out to be a pale, thin arm.
Fuuuuuck. Please tell me I didn't do something I don't remember, I thought as my stomach dropped.
Whether that was from the bitter the night before or my nervousness, I couldn't say at that moment.
Once I realized who, not what, it was that was wrapped around me, I also noticed her gentle breath between my shoulder blades. There was a soft resonance to her breathing that almost made it seem like she'd be snoring if she were in any other position.
I don't even think snoring could make her ugly, I thought for a moment.
Still, I knew that I had to get out of bed and try to get us some food, but that also meant I'd need Irun's help. I gently began to scoot myself out from under her arm, lifting it gently as I began to slide my legs out from under the covers. I was almost out when I felt her hand flex to hold me in place.
"Cold," she said, not even bothering to open her eyes as she curled up a little more. "I didn't realize I was a good source of warmth," I said with a soft chuckle. "W-w-well, you're what I had to use," she said nervously, realizing how close she really was to me. She pulled away quickly, bringing the covers along for the ride as she turned her back to me.
I immediately felt the cold air inside the room rushing over my skin as the temperature drastically changed, sending a shiver down my spine in the process. "Thanks for the temperature shock," I said, wrapping my arms across my chest. "There wouldn't be one if you hadn't made things awkward," she retorted without looking at me.
I made things awkward? I asked myself, trying to figure out where I went wrong, but ended up shaking my head when I realized that I might never understand women.
A problem for a lot of people, or so I've heard.
"Do you want anything for breakfast? I'm not sure if they have the dried fruit and eggs you usually have in the morning, but I can try to get you something," I asked, hesitantly putting on the linen undershirt, hose, and boots. "Well, since my impromptu heater is gone, I'll just go with you. But, uh, can you turn around?" she asked, still holding the blanket up to her chest.
I hadn't realized it, but I was blatantly staring at the soft, pale skin of her exposed legs. "Y-y-yeah, I can do that," I said without a second thought as I felt my face turn a bright shade of red. I could hear a soft chuckle coming from behind me, as the covers were finally tossed aside.
"Gods, you weren't kidding when you said it was cold. What the fuck," she muttered through chattering teeth. I saw her linen shirt off to my left and gingerly picked it up. I took a step or two backward, outstretching my arm behind me to hand her the shirt.
"Here," I said, jiggling the shirt a little. "Thanks," she said, trailing her fingers off my hand as she grabbed the shirt. My face turned an even brighter red, but I held firm in my avoidance of turning around. "How you ever managed to have a relationship with She Who Shall Not Be Named will never cease to amaze me," she said sarcastically.
Little did she know, her comment hit me like a wagon full of steel.
"It was a different situation," I began, scratching the back of my neck. "You never really talked about her with me, and I just want you to know that if you don't want to, I'll respect that," she said, dropping her tone to suggest she realized her mistake.
"Heh, well, it's not an easy subject to talk about," I said, desperately trying to hide my unease. "I never thought I'd admit it, but I think she was right. Our relationship was mostly out of convenience as she put it, but that didn't make it any less real for me. It was my first relationship, after all," I said bashfully.
"I both understand and don't at the same time," she said as she was putting on her hose. I could tell because of the noise the buckles made around the waist, and figured it was probably safe to turn around at this point.
It wasn't.
Her linen shirt was still vastly unlaced, even though she'd claimed to be cold, and while the majority of her aptly sized breasts were covered, there was still plenty of open space down the middle.
My eyes had never fought so hard to not tilt downward, and she obviously noticed, but gave me a knowing smile and a short, nasal chuckle when she noticed my immediate discomfort.
"Wh-what don't you understand?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "Well, for starters, I understand why you allowed yourself to get involved. Opportunity is a breeding ground for action, after all, but what I don't get is why she just decided to throw it all away. What was even the point of that?" she asked, lacing up the rest of her shirt.
I swallowed dryly, feeling the taste of the truth I'd never wanted to acknowledge creeping up my throat like bile after a long night of drinking. "Because I don't think she loved me the same way I did her," I said slowly, making sure every word I said was carefully put on display. Ysevel tilted her head, knocking a few silver strands loose that gently caressed her shoulder. "How so?" she asked in a gentle tone.
I took a deep breath as one would before a plunge into an icy lake. "I loved her because she was there. She was my first lover, confidant, and someone I felt I could fully put my trust into, exposing every inner thought and being comfortable enough to be completely naked in front of her with them. There was very little I had experienced that she hadn't gone through in her own life, so there was a mutual understanding of sorts," I said with a shrug.
Ysevel listened quietly, devouring every word I said like it was coming from her favorite book.
"At least, that's how I thought it was. I didn't know how or why I felt that way with her. It was… comfortable, in a sense. It made me feel seen by someone other than my brother. It made me feel like I had some kind of worth, and that was something no one else had given me until I met her," I said, turning my head away.
"As for why she threw it all away? Well, the only answer I can think of is that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't giving her the same feelings she gave me, even though it seemed that I had been from my perspective. I feel like an idiot for even trying at this point, and now here I am, bleeding on someone who never cut me in the first place. I'm… I'm sorry," I said, lowering my head.
She let the words hang for a few moments before putting her index finger and her thumb on my chin to raise my head. "You have nothing to apologize for, Thoma," she said with a smile that could have melted steel with how warm it was.
"Bernar told me everything he knew about your relationship, and since you talked about it often enough during training, I pieced the rest together when I read the letter she sent," she said softly. "You did?" I asked, noticing my eyesight was growing increasingly blurry.
"I've been alive for over two hundred and twenty-five years. Do you really think I've never been through anything like this before? You'd be dumber than a box of rocks if you thought so," she said with a slight chuckle. "I just…" I trailed off, swallowing the lump in my throat.