Perspective: Celia (BACKSTORY)
Location:Kaiser's Tent
Time: Night - Many Months Ago
His hand didn't move.
It rested right against the soft slope of my breast, his warm, rough palm pressed flat through the thin white fabric. My chest heaved underneath his fingers, my heart pounding so violently against his palm.
Feel it. P-Please feel it.
F-Feel how fast it's beating for you.
The dim amber glow of the oil lantern painted the heavy canvas walls around us, throwing our long shadows against the cloth. Outside, the mountain wind whipped quietly through the pines, but inside the small tent, the air had turned thick, suffocating, and scalding hot.
Tears kept leaking down my cheeks, blinding me, dripping steadily off my trembling chin onto the front of his shirt.
"Y-You c-can u-use my b-body however you w-want," I whispered again. The confession tore out of my throat in a broken, ragged whimper.
"I-I w-won't stop you. I w-won't say no to a-anything. J-Just... p-ple-please..."
Kaiser didn't squeeze. He didn't pull the dress down.
His fingers stayed motionless before with agonizing slowness, his palm slid off my chest and dropped down to his lap.
W-Wow...
The cold air rushed back into the space between us. My chest felt hollowed out, exposed, and instantly freezing.
H-He's letting go.
"Celia," he said.
"Y-Y-Yes...?" A wet, pathetic hiccup caught in my throat. I couldn't stop shaking. My hands remained bunched up against his chest, clutching his coat.
"You're still too young."
W-Why are you saying that?Why n-now?
"I-I kn-know," I sobbed, fresh tears scalding my eyes and blurring his calm face into a dark smear of lantern light.
"I-I kn-know how old I am, Kai!"
"I'm not doing this."
The words hit like a physical slap across the face.
"W-Wh-What...?" My breath hitched violently, my chest locking tight. "W-Wh-What do you m-mean?"
"I mean take your hands off my shirt, lie down on the blanket, and go to sleep," he said gently. He sounded so infuriatingly patient, like a father putting a fussy child to bed.
"In the morning, I'm taking you back to Levinton."
B-Back to Levinton.
He's tossing me aside.
The realization tore through me with horrifying force. It ripped straight down my spine, making me double over on his lap.
He took me on a date because he pitied me. He cleaned the bloody blisters on my heels because he felt guilty. He praised my hair and my eyes because he knew I was pathetic and crying, and now that I offered him everything I had left, he looks at me like I'm a responsibility he's ready to throw away!
"N-N-No!" I screamed, pushing back against his thighs with both hands. I scrambled off his lap onto my bare knees, the thick wool blanket crumpling beneath me.
"N-No, you d-d-don't get to do th-that!"
"Celia. Keep your voice down."
"I-I d-don't c-care who hears!" My voice cracked into a desperate, strangled wail, tears streaming down my neck in hot sheets.
"Y-You h-held my h-hand under the table! Y-You c-carried me all the way up this m-m-mountain! You l-looked at my face and t-told me I was pr-pretty! You t-told me my b-body has l-loved me and that I sh-shouldn't h-hate it!"
"Because it's true," he said, not raising his voice by a single decibel. He sat cross-legged on the bedding, his dark eyes watching me weep.
"That doesn't mean I'm going to take advantage of you when you're crying your eyes out and being vulnerable."
Take advantage?
Does he think I'm doing this by accident?!
"I-I-I'm b-begging you to!" My whole body racked with violent, shivering sobs, my shoulders jerking with every breathless gasp.
"I-I'm not a-asking you to p-pity me! I'm a-asking you to w-w-want me! Not like a fr-friend! N-Not like some br-broken stray dog you p-picked up from a d-dirt road that you have to f-feed and cl-clean up after!"
"You're not a stray dog," he said quietly. His jaw clenched, a small muscle twitching beneath his ear.
"And you're not only a friend. I wouldn't spend half the night stealing a tent and blankets from a merchant wagon for any friend."
Then look at me!
"Th-Then why w-won't you t-touch me?!" I crawled forward on my knees, reaching out blindly through the blur of my tears, grabbing the thick collar of his coat again. My forehead pressed against his shoulder as I wept into his neck.
"I-Is it b-because I'm u-ugly?! B-Because I'm fl-flat?! B-B-Because my st-stomach isn't sk-skinny like the g-girls in town?! Y-You said you didn't m-mind, b-but you l-lied, didn't you?! You were j-just tr-trying to b-be n-nice!"
"Celia, stop."
"N-No! T-Tell me the tr-truth!" I pulled back, my hands hitting his chest in weak, trembling slaps that didn't even budge him.
"Y-You d-don't w-want me because I have n-nothing! I d-don't have m-money! I c-can't f-fight! I d-don't have m-magic! I'm c-completely u-useless to you! B-But I have th-this! I c-can give you my b-b-body! I c-can make you h-happy at night! Wh-Why w-won't you t-take it?!"
Take it. P-Please. If you take me, you can't abandon me. If I belong to you, you have to keep me.
Without this, I'm just an empty mouth you have to feed.
Kaiser didn't strike back. He caught both of my flailing wrists in his large, calloused palms, arresting my weak blows effortlessly.
He didn't pull away. He just held my wrists right against his chest, right over his steady, beating heart.
"Are you done?" he asked softly.
That tone again.
"N-N-No," I sobbed, my throat burning, my chest hitching on wet, jagged hiccups.
"Y-You're cr-cruel... Y-You're so m-mean to me, K-Kai..."
"I'm mean?" A ghost of a sarcastic smirk pulled at 1 corner of his lips, but his dark eyes were completely deadpan, brimming with steady warmth.
"I carry you all the way here, making sure you were safe, steal a whole campsite so your wish for the day to not end could come true, tell you that you're beautiful just the way you are, and I'm the cruel one?"
"Y-Y-Yes!" I choked out, trying to yank my wrists free, but his grip was like an iron band.
"B-B-Because you're pr-pretending this is for my s-sake! It's n-not! Y-You j-just d-don't w-want the b-b-burden!"
His smirk vanished.
Did I hit it? Did I finally say the truth out loud?
"A burden," he murmured. His voice had gone quiet. Dangerously quiet.
"Y-Yes!" Fresh tears spilled over my lower lids, dripping onto our joined hands. "I-If you sl-sleep with me, you're st-stuck with me! You c-can't just l-leave me at Levi's house when you get b-b-bored of me! You'd have to k-keep me! A-And y-you d-don't w-want to k-keep a-anything!"
Because you're competent. You look at everyone like they're temporary, and I'm just another person you'll leave behind once you finish whatever dark thing you're planning.
Kaiser didn't let go of my wrists.
Instead, he pulled.
He pulled me straight against him.
I fell forward into his chest with a soft gasp. His arm slid around my waist like an iron clamp, hauling me flush against his torso until there wasn't any space. His other hand released my wrists and shot up, his fingers burying into the thick, messy white hair at the nape of my neck, tilting my face back.
His face hovered 2 inches from mine.
"Look at me," he commanded.
I can't. My eyes are swollen, my nose is running, I'm a disgusting mess.
His grip tightened in my hair just enough to keep my chin up, his thumb brushing hard against the edge of my trembling jaw. His eyes were wide, dark, and predatory.
"You think I don't want you?" he asked, his breath hot against my lips.
Don't lie to me.
"Y-You d-don't," I stuttered, my words breaking on a ragged sob. "Y-You l-look at me like... like a ch-chore..."
"Celia, you're an idiot."
What...?
"A stubborn, insecure little idiot," he said, his thumb leaving my jaw to press firmly against my lower lip, pulling it down, forcing my mouth to part.
His gaze dropped to my parted lips, lingered there with a dark, heavy intensity that made my stomach clench, then flicked back to my crimson eyes.
"If I didn't want you, I would have handed you off to Levi. I wouldn't have spent this entire evening reassuring you, wiping your tears, and holding you in my lap."
My heart stopped.
"Th-Then wh-why...?"
"Because once I take you," he whispered, "there's no turning back. You won't get a quiet, peaceful life you need. You won't get to marry some honest boy with clean history. You'll be chained to me. And everywhere I go, blood follows."
Really...
"I-I d-don't c-care," I wept, my lips brushing against his thumb as I spoke. "I d-d-don't w-want a-anyone else! I w-want y-you! E-Even if you're a m-monster... e-even if we d-die... I w-want to b-belong to you!"
"You're saying that because you're scared of being alone."
"N-No! I'm s-saying it because I l-love you!" The word tore out of my chest before I could stop it, loud and raw and desperate.
"P-Pl-Please, Kai! D-Don't l-leave me o-outside! D-Don't m-make me w-wait until you d-disappear! T-Touch me... p-pl-please, j-just t-touch me...!"
Kaiser's chest hitched with 1 deep breath.
His thumb dragged across my lower lip 1 last time, smearing the salty wetness of my tears across my skin.
"You're going to regret this in the morning," he murmured.
"I-I w-won't! I sw-swear I w-won't!"
"You're crying so hard you can barely breathe."
"B-B-Because you're h-hesitating!" Another violent sob shook my frame, my fingers digging desperately into his shoulders. "Th-That h-hurts w-worse than a-anything! If you d-don't l-love me, I d-don't kn-know what I will d-do with my l-life... A-And if you r-reject me t-tonight, I-I'll j-just th-think you n-never w-wanted me!"
Kaiser went completely still, his dark eyes glaring down into mine, unblinking, heavy, and piercing.
He's staring at me.
He's glaring right into my eyes while I sob.
He's a man. Of course he wants pleasure too. Men want that. I can give him that. If I give him that, he'll stay with me. He can use me that way... he can take whatever he wants from my body, and then he won't have an excuse to throw me away.
And if he doesn't...
If he refuses me tonight, if he looks at my body and turns his back on me in this tent...
I don't know if I want to live anymore...
Maybe... after he is g-gone, I should just kill myself...
Kaiser's gaze darkened into something terrifying and absolute.
Then he let out a low, breathy exhale through his teeth and shifted his weight.
My back hit the blanket.
The breath knocked out of me as his heavy body came down over mine, his hips pressing firmly between my knees, pinning me into the folds of the bedding. His black hair fell forward into his eyes, blocking out the lantern light above us, casting his face in dark, warm shadows.
The scent of his skin, cedar, and dried pine flooded every corner of my head.
"No crying afterward," he said, his voice husky and steady.
He caught both of my wrists in 1 hand, lifting them above my head, pinning them flat against the blanket. His fingers wrapped around both of my wrists like a steel cuff—not hurting me, but making it impossible to pull away.
He's holding me down...
He wants me...
"I-I w-won't cr-cry," I choked out, a breathless gasp trembling on my lips as my heart hammered violently against my ribs.
"I p-pr-promise, K-Kai..."
"Good girl."
He lowered his head.
He didn't kiss my lips. His mouth pressed softly against the sensitive skin right beneath my ear, his lips warm and dry against the salty trail where my tears had run down my throat. His teeth lightly grazed the arch of my neck, sending an electric shock straight through my stomach, making my hips arch upward off the blanket with a helpless, shuddering gasp.
Oh.
He's really doing it.
(Warning to readers: The following content contains mature themes, including intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with such themes, please skip to the present nearing the end of this section.)
Kai's weight was on me. He moved slowly, pressing down, and I felt the heat of him.
His mouth found my neck. It was a demanding kiss, a slow pressure that traveled from the hollow beneath my ear.
"Ahh..." I gasped.
A moan escaped me, loud and uncontrolled.
His other hand found my stomach. His fingertips moved through the thin fabric of my dress, tracing patterns on my skin. It felt like a live wire, shooting up my body.
He leaned in. His teeth grazed the sensitive skin of my throat—a sharp, perfect nip. Then, it was a soft, wet lick, teasing the spot, pulling the sensation out until it was unbearable. My legs began to shake, a violent tremor that arched my body toward him.
He lifted his head slightly, his breath hot against my skin.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
He desires me...
"Y-Yes," I nodded, my voice trembling.
He pressed his mouth back to my lips, and the neck kissing continued—a rhythm of biting, licking, and nibbling.
"You like that?" he whispered.
"Y-Yes," I sobbed, "I w-want you to c-continue!"
When he finally pulled back, his eyes searched mine.
"Take the dress off," he said, his voice low. As he let go off my hands.
I fumbled with the fastenings of my dress. Taking the dress off was harder than I expected, but I did it. The dress fell away, revealing my skin. I looked up at him, my voice barely a breath.
"Don't hold back," I whispered.
His mouth found my neck again. He bit at the sensitive skin, his teeth grazing my collarbone before his tongue swept over the marks he made.
"Ahhh... mmm..."
I arched my back, tilting my head to give him better access. The heat from his body was overwhelming, radiating through me until my very bones felt molten.
He's so warm... I feel like I'm melting into the blankets.
His free hand slid down from my waist, his fingertips tracing slow, light circles over my bare stomach. The sensation sent shivers racing up my spine. He leaned down, his breath hot against my ear as he continued to nip and lick at my throat.
"Kai..."
His hand moved higher. His palm brushed against the underside of my breast, his thumb circling my nipple through the air. I gasped, my legs trembling violently.
"S-should I... s-should I take the rest off?" I whispered, my voice breaking.
"Not yet," he rascussed against my skin.
He leaned back just enough to look at me, his dark blue eyes heavy with desire. Then, he cupped my breasts, his large hand circling them before he began to squeeze.
"Ah! H-haaa..."
A stutter of pure pleasure shot through me. My eyes drifted upward, lost in the dim light, while my legs instinctively widened, seeking more space.
I've never felt anything like this... It's my first time, and he's being so... so gentle with me.
He's making sure I feel every single second of this.
He moved his mouth to my collarbone, sucking the skin there before his lips traveled up to my chin and finally captured my mouth in a deep, hungry kiss. His hand moved to my waist, pulling me closer until there was no space left between us. He began to kiss my chest, his tongue swirling near my breasts, making my breath come in short, jagged gasps.
"Nnngh... Kai..."
He moved his gaze back to mine, his thumb stroking my cheek as he watched my reaction. He wasn't rushing; he was savoring the way my body reacted to him. He leaned down, his teeth catching my bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth.
"Mmmph!"
My hands, though restrained, trembled against the blankets. My entire body felt like a live wire, buzzing with an intensity that made it hard to think.
"Pl-Please..." I whimpered, my hips lifting off the bed in a desperate search for him.
"K-Kai... m-more... I w-want m-more!"
His thumb dragged across my lower lip, smearing the salty wetness of my tears across my skin.
"How... how are you so good, Kai?" I whispered, my voice a broken, breathless wreck.
A flicker of something dark and heavy passed through his eyes. He didn't answer with words. Instead, he brought his thumb to my lips, sliding it deep into my mouth.
"Suck it, Celia. Just like that."
My eyes widened as he commanded. I obeyed, my tongue swirling around his warm, calloused skin, my lips pulling tight around him. It was a helpless, dizzying pleasure.
My arms trembled against the blankets as he held them tighter, and my breath hitched as he watched me with an intensity that felt like it could burn me alive.
He's watching me... like he's memorizing the way I taste.
He released my mouth, but his hand didn't leave me. He let go of my wrists and instead pressed his palm flat against my hips.
"Don't move your hands. Stay right there."
He used his open hand to slide down my body, tracing the sharp lines of my rib cage and the curve of my hip bones. His touch was heavy, possessive. He leaned down, his mouth finding my stomach, kissing the soft skin just above my waist.
My legs shook violently, my knees pressing together as if trying to hold the pleasure in.
I don't know how this works... but it feels like magic.
I remembered as a child, once I eavesdropped on the aunties back home. They talked about pleasing their husbands as if it were as natural thing to do every night. I had been so curious, searching for answers in the old, dusty romance novels I found. I thought they were just stories about kissing, but... this was so much more.
I've never done this... but I know I can please him. I can be his. He can take me whenever he wants, and I'll be ready. I just... I want him to lead.
He released a hot, shaky breath against my throat, teasing the sensitive skin until I gasped. He cupped my face with both hands, forcing me to look into his dark, predatory eyes.
He began to map my face with slow, deliberate kisses—my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks.
"Nnngh... Kai..." I stuttered, my back arching off the bed as his hands moved to squeeze my breasts through the remains of my bra.
He's so thorough...
I reached up, my fingers tangling in his hair, pulling his face back to mine for a deep, hungry kiss. But he was stronger.
He used his hand to gently but firmly pull my hands back to my sides, pinning me to the sensation.
"I'm going to mark you," he murmured against my skin.
"You don't have to do anything. Just lay back and let me."
He moved to my neck, his teeth grazing my skin before he began to leave deep, dark marks. He bit at my collarbone, then moved to the slope of my shoulder, leaving visible, bruised-red love bites.
"Mmm... more," I whimpered, my eyes fluttering shut. "Mark me more, Kai. I want... I want people to see. I want them to know I belong to you."
After this... I'll please him more. I'll follow the stories... I'll ride him until he's breathless, just like the ladies in the books. Even if my body isn't like the beautiful women in the magazines... if I can make him feel this, he'll never want to replace me.
He'll come back to me every single night.
If I make him happy now... he'll never leave me.
I looked up at him, my heart racing with a new, nervous question.
"Should I... should I take off my skirt too?"
He pulled back slightly, his gaze softening but remaining heavy.
"That wouldn't be necessary, Celia. I've already felt enough pleasure from you. I think we should be done now."
"Done?" I blinked, my voice small and confused.
He released my hold, sitting up and preparing to move. My heart sank.
In the novels, the lovers were never satisfied with just kissing—they were lustful, they were hungry, they didn't stop until they were doing sex.
Is he... is he feeling pity for me? Is that why he's stopping?!
The tears began to prick my eyes again, hot and angry.
"Why... why did you stop?" I sobbed, my voice cracking. "Why did you withdraw from me like that?"
"I already feel too good to continue, Celia," he said, his voice steady, almost too calm.
"This is how it is."
"Liar!" I snapped, my voice trembling with a mix of desire and frustration. "You're a liar! There's more to this! You think I'm just some naive girl who doesn't understand? You can't just lie your way out of this!"
I stared at him, my chest heaving, my eyes searching his for the truth.
"Do you... do you not want to have sex with me?" I whispered, the question hanging like a heavy weight between us.
He went quiet, his dark eyes fixed on me, the silence stretching until it felt like it would break.
"It's not that I don't want you, Celia," he said softly, his voice impossibly level, almost detached.
"You're too young to understand what we're doing here. This has already gone far enough. This is enough."
En-Enough...?
"Th-That's a l-lie!" I cried, my bare shoulders jerking as fresh tears spilled over my red eyelids, soaking my neck where his love bites still burned hot and bruised. "Y-You d-didn't feel a-any pleasure at a-all! All you w-were doing was pl-pleasing m-me!"
I looked down at myself—my messy white hair tangled across my collarbones, my dress cast aside, my bra strained and trembling with every jagged, breathless sob.
"I w-was the one l-laying back!" My voice cracked into a strangled whimper. "I d-didn't do a single th-thing for you! You w-were the one m-making me f-feel good! I d-doubt you even f-felt any b-better!"
"I did feel good, Celia," Kaiser lied smoothly, resting his hands loosely on his knees, watching me with that calm, patient stare that drove me mad.
"You just don't understand."
"Wh-Why do you have more exp-experience?!" I demanded, my hands clenching into fists against the wool blanket. "H-Have you d-done this before?! Is th-that why you're so g-good at it?!"
Kaiser blinked once, his expression completely flat.
"No," he answered directly.
"I have never done this before. You're my first."
You're my first.
He's lying. He has to be lying.
He took the lead without hesitation. He touched me like the male lead in the romance novels, knowing every single spot that made me gasp and shiver... But in the books, the man never felt real pleasure until they made love together. Until they actually had sex.
"I w-want more than th-this, Kai!" I choked out, crawling toward him across the tangled bedding, reaching blindly for his waist.
"I w-want you to t-take me completely! Pl-Please!"
Kaiser didn't reach back. He gently caught my wrists, stopping me before I could press against him, and leaned back, his eyes darkening with a quiet, immovable distance.
"I'm withdrawing now, Celia," he said, his voice soft, gentle, and utterly unyielding.
"This is the way I want to love you. Not for your body. For you. What I did just now was to show you that I desire you, that I do love you. You don't need to prove anything to me. You should feel reassured."
He leaned forward, opening his arms, trying to pull me against his chest into a comforting hug.
"N-No!"
I shoved against his shoulders with all my strength, knocking his arms away.
"I d-don't w-want th-this love!" I screamed, my voice breaking into a ragged, hysterical shriek that echoed off the canvas walls.
"Y-You don't l-love me! Y-You don't even w-want to have s-sex with me!"
Kaiser stared at me in the dim lantern light, his hands suspended in the air.
"Y-You're j-just p-pitying me!" The accusations poured out of my mouth in a violent, uncontrollable flood, my teeth chattering as sobs tore through my chest.
"Y-You th-think I'm too w-weak to hand-handle it! You l-look at me and you f-feel sorry for the pathetic, cr-crying girl! Th-That's all this is!"
"Celia—"
"Y-You d-don't d-desire me the w-way I desire you!" I sobbed, my hands clawing at my own chest.
"Y-You c-can just lie to me! You c-can j-just st-stop whenever you w-want because I d-don't mean that much to you! If a pr-prettier woman w-was laying here, you w-wouldn't have st-stopped! You w-would have t-taken her right now!"
"That's not true," he said quietly.
"I-It is true! Y-You're a l-liar! Y-You're a c-coward who w-wants to keep 1 foot out the d-door so you c-can run away when I b-become too much of a br-breakdown!"
Kaiser simply stared at me, his face cast in amber shadows, refusing to get angry, refusing to yell back. That calm, unshakable silence hurt more than any slap.
He's going to leave me...
Tomorrow morning. He's going to pack his belongings, walk me down to Levinton, hand me to Levi, and walk away forever.
No. No, no, no.
A blind, terrifying panic seized my limbs. My shaking fingers flew to the clasp of my bra, frantically yanking at the fabric, tearing at the straps.
"I-I'll sh-show you!" I wept, my voice drowning in breathless hiccups. "I-I'll t-take it off! I'll t-take off my sk-skirt too! Y-You'll have to l-look at me then! Y-You'll have to w-want me!"
Before my fingers could unhook the clasp, Kaiser moved.
His hands clamped down over mine, pinning my wrists together against my ribs.
"Celia, stop," he commanded, his voice tight with sudden, fierce urgency.
"Stop it right now. You don't need to objectify your body to please me."
"L-Let me g-go!" I writhed under his grip, kicking my legs against the blanket, sobbing violently as I tried to twist my hands free to strip off the clothes.
"L-Let me! I w-want to be u-useful to you! Pl-Please, Kai! J-Just l-let me l-love you! Pl-Please, just l-let me b-be useful!"
Kaiser pulled my arms down, wrapping his entire body around mine, pinning my wrists firmly behind my back with 1 arm while his other hand pressed the back of my head into the crook of his neck, completely immobilizing me.
"I do love you, Celia," he whispered directly into my ear, his breath hot against my shaking cheek, his voice steady and fiercely protective.
"I love you so much. But I will not take advantage of you like this. I won't do it."
I couldn't move. I couldn't pull my clothes off. I was trapped against the hard muscle of his chest, my tears soaking his collar until the rough wool was completely drenched.
"Y-You d-don't l-love me..." I whimpered into his skin, my voice dissolving into weak, broken, shuddering gasps.
"L-L-Liar... Y-You're a l-liar..."
He didn't let go. He held me tightly through the dark, cold hours of the mountain night, his fingers tangled in my messy hair, refusing to let me strip away my dignity.
That day broke my heart...
It shattered every fragile piece of hope I had built inside that tent.
B-But I didn't want to give up.
Because giving up meant losing him.
It meant losing the 1 reason he may love me tomorrow, and any day after...
Just 1 reason.
*
Perspective: Celia (PRESENT)
Location: Alley Bench outside Rusty Tavern
Time: 11:15 PM - February 4, 2018
The memory dissolved into the freezing mountain air, leaving behind only the bitter taste of bile at the back of my tongue.
I stood in the dark, 3 paces from the frozen wooden bench.
Before me, Kaiser lay slumped over on the frost-coated timber, his body shivering in violent, helpless spasms, his ragged breaths pluming into the 11 PM frost. The dried blood from where my sharp red heel had ground into his jaw was crusty and black against his skin.
A wave of suffocating, sickening disgust rose from my gut, so intense it turned my vision blurry.
You didn't want to touch me that day.
You pushed me away.
Because I was ugly.
The thought hammered into my skull, vicious and unrelenting. My fingernails dug straight through the velvet of my sleeves, clawing hard into the bare flesh of my own forearms. I dragged them down, raking the skin until 4 sharp, burning red lines rose to the surface, stinging under the cold air.
That's the truth. Th-That's the honest, disgusting truth.
He didn't want me.
I was not pretty enough for him. I was short, flat, chubby, messy-haired, and cursed with eyes everyone ran away from. That was why he held his hands back. That was why he gave me that lecture.
My teeth ground together so hard my molars ached.
"Suffer here alone," I whispered through clenched lips, my voice trembling with venomous, boiling hatred.
"Y-You made me s-suffer that day. I begged you. I was on my knees, crying, begging you to take me... and you didn't do anything. You lied. You just didn't desire me."
I took 1 step back into the dark.
"You probably went and slept with other women after you threw me away... and you felt much better that way, didn't you?"
Kaiser didn't stir. He just curled tighter against the frozen bench, his jaw trembling, his teeth chattering in his feverish sleep.
Don't look at him.
A sudden, sharp throb pounded behind my temples. I grabbed my head with both hands, digging my fingers into my hair, violently shaking my skull back and forth as if I could physically tear the memories out of my brain.
I turned around.
My heels clicked against the frozen cobblestones, sharp, hurried, and furious, as I walked away into the dark streets, leaving him alone in the freezing alley.
*
Location: Celia's Rented Room — Private Bedroom
Time: Midnight — 12:00 AM
The heavy oak door clicked shut and locked behind me.
I tore the velvet mantle off my shoulders, letting it drop to the floorboards. I stripped out of my heels and clothes, pulling a thin black nightgown over my head, and threw myself onto the mattress.
The sheets were clean and warm. The fireplace crackled quietly in the corner of the room.
Sleep. Just go to sleep.
I pulled the wool blanket up to my chin and squeezed my eyes shut.
Forget about him.
He's nothing to you anymore.
30 minutes passed.
The clock in the corridor ticked with steady, hollow thuds. 1 beat. 2 beats. 3 beats.
My eyes snapped wide open in the dark.
I adored him.
The admission rose up uninvited, thick and suffocating, wrapping around my ribs like heavy chains.
There were so many things about him I loved... I couldn't even pick a favorite if someone held a knife to my throat. There were just way too many to choose from.
His presence, firstly. Because without his presence, I would have had nothing to begin with. I would have died in a dirty ditch or been burned alive by a mob.
He was there for me in every single good moment, and every single bad one. His thoughtfulness... the way he always tried to remember the tiny things that were important to me. The mint candies. The way he made me feel included in every single conversation, every single plan, every single room we entered.
I adored his giving heart. The way he thought of others' needs before his own, and how he looked after mine, making sure I felt loved and less alone in a world that hated me.
I trusted you.
My fingers clenched into the linen beneath me, twisting the cloth into tight knots.
I tr-trusted you more than I tr-trusted anyone in this entire world. That's why I loved you so much. That's why I was ready to give my entire self away to you on that mountain...
1 hour passed.
...B-But you didn't desire me.
A bitter sneer twisted my lips in the empty darkness.
You only wanted to use me. You saw the curse magic locked inside my soul, and you wanted a weapon. You wanted a pet. And once you didn't need the dog anymore, you abandoned me... just like you did at the ridge. Just like you're doing right now.
I turned onto my side, staring at the cold embers of the hearth.
2 hours passed.
2:00 AM.
The house had gone deathly quiet, drowning in the dead chill of midnight.
...He allowed me to be myself.
The quiet voice inside my chest refused to shut up. It broke through my anger, stubborn and clear.
He was so patient with me back then. He knew I was 16. He knew I was terrified, vulnerable, and completely desperate. Yet he didn't focus on using my body for a quick thrill. He didn't take what any other man in this world would have grabbed without thinking.
He tried to make me learn to love myself... so that I could love the best version of myself.
His honesty. The way he looked me in the eyes and told me he wouldn't take advantage of me, knowing exactly how much his words would hurt in that moment, but saying them anyway to protect me.
My throat locked tight.
He said it out loud during our breakup, didn't he?
The cruel memory echoed back with sickening clarity. In this room, Kaiser had looked at me and said that if he had truly wanted to, he could have used me, slept with me, and made me completely obsessed with him.
Back then, I thought he was just lying. I thought he was an arrogant liar trying to break my spirit.
B-But remembering that night in the tent...
It was the truth.
I had laid myself bare on the blanket. I had offered him my body, my soul, my obedience, everything. And he pulled back.
A hot tear spilled out from the corner of my right eye, running silently across the bridge of my nose, soaking into the pillowcase. Then another. Then a flood.
I g-gave you my whole h-heart... and you didn't take advantage of me.
My chest hitched, a small, choked sob breaking from my mouth. My fingers clawed into the bedsheets, my knuckles turning white as my entire frame began to tremble.
And yet... n-now you're suffering.
When I was suffering that night in the tent... when I was weeping and shaking from self-hatred... you held me.
You held me against your chest all night long until I stopped crying.
B-But when you're suffering right n-now... lying alone in the freezing bench with a fever burning your body... I can't even go back and help you.
I c-can't put a blanket over you. I c-can't brew you tea. I c-can't do anything... because I'm not allowed to care about you anymore.
The tears poured out faster, scalding and heavy, blinding my crimson eyes.
Even that night... even after he had pulled his hands away and told me he was withdrawing, I wouldn't stop crying. I had sobbed for minutes, screaming and hyperventilating, until I went completely out of my mind and...
Threatened that I would kill myself if he refused to touch me.
And even then... he only wanted to keep me safe. He reassured me over and over, wrapping me in his arms, whispering that I was worth more than an act of desperation. But I couldn't be reassured.
I had been so broken, so insecure, that in the end, my relentless begging wore down the walls... and he finally agreed.
That was where we had our 1st true intimacy together.
"N-No..." I whispered, violently shaking my head against the soaked pillow.
"N-No, stop it! St-Stop th-thinking about that!"
I pushed myself up onto the mattress, my nightgown tangling around my thighs. I grabbed the sides of my head, my breath coming in ragged, chattering gasps as sobs ripped through my ribs.
"H-He was only u-using me!" I shouted into the empty, dark bedroom, my voice breaking into pathetic, stuttering pieces. "St-Stop th-thinking good things about him! He's n-not a g-good person! He's evil! He's s-selfish! He's evil, h-he's evil, he's e-evil!"
My words dissolved into chattering, helpless weeping.
I hurt him today.
The reality struck me with brutal force.
I hurt him so much...
I lifted my tear-stained face, my vision swimming through the scalding wetness. My gaze dropped down to my own legs resting on the white sheet.
My right leg.
The smooth, pale skin of my thigh. The sharp curve of my knee.
This was the leg.
I wore those sharp red heels today... and when he was on the dirty tavern floor, begging for those laborers, I raised this heel and pushed his face straight into the grime.
I cut his jaw open.
I made him bleed...
A terrifying, suffocating rush of self-loathing erupted inside my chest, so violent it felt like black fire devouring my insides.
Why did I have to hurt him?!
I was just angry! I just wanted him to say my name! I wanted him to look at me, apologize, and fix what had broken between us! I didn't want to hurt him!
My teeth ground together until blood pooled on my gums.
This leg did it.
This disgusting, wretched limb crushed his face.
I raised my right hand into the dim room.
Dark, curse magic flared around my fingertips—not the gentle warmth he had taught me to find, but the razor-sharp, brutal black blades of my Unleashed Queen authority. The shadows condensed into a single, razor-thin scythe edge of pure cutting force hovering above my thigh.
"D-Don't touch him again," I sobbed through clenched, bloody teeth.
With 1 clean, merciless downward snap, I swung the blade of magic straight across my right thigh.
SHCK.
The edge sheared cleanly through muscle, sinew, and bone.
The severed leg slid off the edge of the mattress, dropping heavily onto the dark floorboards with a wet, sickening thud.
A geyser of boiling crimson blood erupted from the stump, spraying violently across the white linen, soaking my black nightgown, splattering the wooden wall beside the bed.
The agony hit an instant later.
A blinding, white-hot scream of pure nerve fire tore through my lower body, so intense my spine bowed off the mattress.
I bit my tongue with everything I had, clamping my jaw shut until my teeth sank deep into the muscle, stifling the scream into a strangled, gurgling groan. Blood filled my mouth, hot and metallic, spilling past my lips as tears streamed relentlessly down my face.
I sat there in the dark, trembling violently, drowning in the smell of my own iron blood, clutching the blood-soaked sheets with white knuckles.
Why did I have to hurt you...?
I didn't want to hurt you, Kai...
I just wanted you back...