Perspective: Celia
Location: Celia's Rented — Private Bedroom
Time: 2:15 AM - February 5, 2018
The scream didn't escape my mouth.
My teeth were buried too deep into the muscle of my tongue, grinding down until hot, metallic blood flooded my gums and dribbled out the corners of my lips.
Don't scream...
My hands flew up, clutching the sides of my head, my fingers tangling in my white hair and pulling hard enough to tear strands from the scalp. Sobs tore through my ribs, choking on the blood pool in my throat.
The pain in my right thigh was blinding. Arterial blood pumping across the mattress, soaking the sheets and dripping onto the wooden floor.
Yet my left hand left my hair, reaching down to grab the collar of my nightgown, twisting the silk right over my chest.
Right over my heart.
Why does it hurt more here?
Why does this part hurt so much more than the leg?!
He rejected me. Days ago, he looked right into my face, and told me he never loved me.
I should be better than this.
I am the Queen of Curses. I should be standing proud, powerful, and happy. I should be enjoying my freedom.
B-But I'm not.
I curled forward over the blood-soaked sheets, shivering so hard my chin rattled against my collarbone.
I'm not better at all. I'm still that same pathetic, wretched girl.
So many years of my life were spent running.
Before Kaiser, before Levinton, before any of this... there was only the hunt. Every single morning began with figuring out which direction the patrols were coming from. Every single meal was stolen crusts, moldy scraps pulled out of trash barrels behind taverns, or bitter roots dug up with bleeding fingernails.
And every time I looked down into a puddle of dirty rainwater, every time I caught my reflection in a cracked washbasin, my stomach turned with pure, suffocating disgust.
That face.
The white hair that marked me as cursed. The red eyes that made mothers drag their children behind wooden doors. The demonic aura that made others fearful.
People hated my existence. They despised the sight of me before I even opened my mouth.
I was an ugly monster.
That belief had been hammered into my skull every single day of my childhood until it became the foundation of who I was.
I was an ugly, disgusting girl who didn't deserve love.
That's why I did it.
A wet, jagged sob broke through my clenched teeth, spraying red droplets onto the white sheet between my knees.
That's why I begged him on that blanket.
I thought my body was the only thing I had left to offer. If I wasn't pretty, if I wasn't lovable, if I was just a cursed ugly girl eating his food and slowing him down... I could at least give him pleasure. I could let him use me. Because if he used me, he might keep me around for 1 more day.
I tried to wrap both arms around my ribs, squeezing myself into a tight ball, but the stump of my right thigh twitched with another wave of nauseating agony. Blood pooled beneath my hip, warm and sticky, soaking through the thin black silk.
I was always too insecure to look into a mirror and believe I was pretty.
Whenever someone gave me a compliment, my first instinct was to flinch. I heard a trick every single time. A cheap lie designed to lower my guard before they hurt me.
Sometimes... it still feels that way.
Even now. Even after months of standing on my own two feet.
All that "freedom" I had bragged about after leaving Levinton... looking back at it now, it hadn't been freedom at all. It was only isolation. A freezing void where I sat completely alone with my own thoughts, convincing myself that without Kaiser, I was okay.
My trembling hands moved down, pressing flat against my stomach.
I trained so hard.
After Kaiser vanished in Levinton, I ran myself into training. Everyday until exhaustion, shedding every single ounce of soft fat I had hated about my belly. I forced myself to grow.
Now, even a Demon Lord looked at me. Lucifer flirted with me in the office, teasing, watching me with that clear, lingering interest that powerful men gave to attractive women.
B-But Kai...
My fingernails dug into the flesh around my elbows, pressing so hard the skin pinched white before tearing under the sharp edges, leaving raw red gouges.
Kai never looked at me that way. Not even once.
Even after I changed... even after I grew into this body... why didn't the way he looked at me change?!
The self-hatred clawed at my throat, suffocating and cruel.
It went deeper than Levinton. It went all the way back to the beginning.
Before the curse ever showed on my skin, before my eyes turned red... I was already unloveable.
I remembered sitting behind the wooden partition in our old house, barely 7 years old, clutching a doll with frayed yarn hair. My mother had been standing near the garden gate, talking to the neighbor woman who was holding the hand of her quiet, smiling daughter.
My mother's voice had been so clear, so casual, carrying across the fence:
"I wish she was mine instead. Look at how sweet and obedient she is... instead of what I was given."
Instead of what I was given.
The memory hit my ribs so hard my lungs stopped working.
I was a child. And in that single second, my world shattered into dust.
I felt so dislocated. So completely, hopelessly isolated. Even after my 8th birthday, the only emotion that lived inside our house was cold distance.
It was always my fault.
My fault. My fault. My fault. M-My fault.
My nails dragged down my forearms, tearing fresh lines through the skin, trying to drown out the voice in my head with physical pain.
My mother wanted a perfect daughter. She wanted someone quiet, graceful, and flawless. But I was always the problem. Always the bad child. Always the mistake.
That was why, when Kaiser first found me, it took me weeks to even let him sit near me. I couldn't accept kindness. My brain couldn't process it. I had spent my entire life convincing myself that love was a luxury meant for other people, for normal girls, for pretty girls.
B-But deep down... it was all I ever wanted.
In my life, I had imagined my own death thousands of times. I had planned how I would die in a ditch, how I would be hanged, how the world would finally be rid of me.
I never once imagined being happy.
So when he came along... when he wiped tears off my cheek, when he bought me mint candies, when he held my hand under the table just to stop my fingers from shaking... my world spun out of control. It was too much.
I couldn't bear the fear of it.
I became terrified of the day the dream would end.
I became obsessed. Controlling. Desperate.
Because if I lost him, I was right back to being the unlovable mistake on the floor.
He's still there.
The thought tore through the spiral, dead cold.
My breath locked in my throat.
He's still lying on that frozen bench in the alley.
His fever was burning his skin. His teeth were chattering in the frost.
And his jaw was bleeding... because of my heel.
"N-No..." I gasped, tears blurring my crimson eyes until the room dissolved into shadows.
I pushed myself up with both hands, throwing my weight toward the edge of the mattress to stand up, to run out the door, to find him—
My right side had nothing to push off of.
I tumbled over the wooden ledge, crashing violently onto the hard floorboards in a tangle of limbs and wet, sticky blood.
The impact jarred the severed bone in my thigh, sending a blinding wave of white agony shooting straight to my skull. I hit the floor with a dull thud, my cheek slamming against the cold timber, staring directly at the severed leg lying 2 feet away in a puddle of blackening crimson.
Look at what you did.
Look at what a monster you are.
I lay there on the cold wood, trembling, staring at the limb.
I can't change the past.
I can't undo the words I screamed in that tent. I can't undo the months I spent suffocating him with my desperation.
And I am not that weak, crying girl anymore.
I reached down with my right hand, pressing my palm flat against the bloody stump of my thigh.
Dark, heavy curse magic surged from my core. It wasn't the clumsy, frightened aura of my youth. It was the dense, commanding authority of the Unleashed Queen. Black thorns and living spatial shadows erupted from the severed flesh, wrapping tightly around the exposed bone and severed arteries.
The agony of regrowth was ten times worse than the cut.
Fire tore through every severed nerve ending in my stump. The black shadows wove together, pulling muscle fibers, reconstructing sinew, knitting pale skin back over newly formed bone with sickening, wet snaps.
I didn't bite my tongue this time.
I took my left hand, reared it back, and...
SLAP.
I slapped myself across the face with everything I had.
The crack echoed off the wooden walls. The sting burned hot against my cheek, forcing my vision to clear, shocking my brain back into focus.
Get back to your senses, Celia.
The past you wanted is over.
The sweet words he whispered that night in the tent... they are gone.
Yet as the black thorns sealed the last layer of pale skin over my newly formed knee and calf, that one lingering childhood question rose up from the dark.
Was I raised without love... or was I born unlovable?
That night on the mountain, when I had begged him to use my body, he could have done it. Any other man in the world would have taken what was offered and walked away when he was bored.
But Kaiser had wrapped his coat around me. He had held me through the dark, cold hours of the night, taking my tears against his neck, refusing to let me throw away my dignity just to feel needed.
He had answered the question.
He had told me I was worth more than just my body.
The magic faded, leaving my right leg whole, pale, and trembling slightly on the bloody floorboards.
I pushed myself up onto both knees, then slowly, deliberately, forced myself to stand.
My bare feet pressed into the cold timber.
I looked toward the heavy oak door. Beyond it lay the silent corridors, the dark midnight streets, and the frozen alleyway where a stubborn, foolish boy was freezing to death on a wooden bench.
I know you don't want me anymore.
I know you think I'm toxic, controlling, and cruel.
B-But I made a promise that night.
My hands clenched into fists at my sides, my crimson eyes burning in the darkness of the room.
I really did.
I won't let you go... even if I'm not yours.
Perspective: Celia (BACKSTORY)
Location: Kaiser's Tent
Time: Late Night (Many Months Ago)
(WARNING: NEXT PART IS VERY INTIMATE)
"I-I'm not a b-burden!" I shrieked, my voice cracking into a jagged, hopeless wail.
I pulled against his grip, but he held my wrists with a steady, immovable strength. "Y-You're just p-pretending! You're acting like I m-matter so you don't f-feel guilty!"
I looked up at him, my vision blurred by a thick veil of tears, searching his face for a lie—but his expression was too steady. Too calm.
"I'll j-just... I'll just kill myself, Kai!" The words burst from me like a physical wound. "If I'm such a m-mess... if I'm just a s-stray you found... I'll just d-die! I'll l-leave so your l-life is finally cl-clean!"
Kaiser's jaw tightened. His eyes darkened, a flicker of pain crossing his features before he forced his voice to remain steady.
"Celia, stop it. Don't say such things. You're overwhelmed."
"N-No! I'm n-not!" I sobbed, my body trembling so violently I thought my bones might snap. "You w-won't ch-choose me! Because I w-was raised without l-love! I was b-born unlovable, Kai! I'm a m-mistake! I'll just k-kill myself so you can b-be free of the m-mess of me!"
I watched his face. For a second, the mask slipped. He looked hurt. He looked like he was watching something precious shatter in his hands.
"I h-hate you!" I screamed, the words tearing my throat raw. "I h-hate you for c-constantly telling me you p-put me first! I h-hate you for n-never putting me f-first! I h-hate you for not sh-showing up when I r-really wanted to pr-prove I l-love you!"
I slumped against him, my strength failing, my voice dropping to a broken, hollow whisper.
"I h-hate you for not l-letting me l-love you. I h-hate that you n-never let me sh-show how much I n-need you. Y-You were s-supposed to be the p-person who l-loved me... My Kai. I'll a-admit it n-now... You d-didn't love me l-like I l-loved you. That's w-why you c-can't accept me!"
I let out a choked, hysterical laugh. "W-Why sh-should I st-start living... if I h-have no r-reason to live a-anymore?"
As the darkness began to swallow my mind, my hands flew toward my own throat, my fingers curling to choke the life out of the "mistake" that was me.
"N-No! Let m-me go! L-Let me just d-die!"
Kaiser's hands moved instantly, catching my wrists before I could squeeze my own windpipe. He pulled me into him, his embrace becoming a cage of warmth.
"I love you, Celia," he whispered, his voice thick with a truth that terrified me.
"And I will let you show your love, too."
I pulled back just enough to look at him. His face was... neutral. He was trying so hard to be the calm in my storm, trying to find the words to ground me, but I didn't want calm.
I wanted him.
"But... I won't have sex with you," he said, his gaze searching mine, "because that would be too much for tonight."
My heart sank. He's still holding back.
"But..." he added, his thumb grazing my wet, swollen lip. "You can give me pleasure some other way."
My breath hitched.
Some other way?
The books... The thought flashed through my mind, making my stomach flip with a strange, nauseating heat.
The stories the older women whispered about... the ones where the woman uses her mouth to satisfy the man... It felt so... dirty. So overwhelming. How could someone's mouth make them feel better? How could something so lewd be so... intimate?
"With my... m-mouth?" I whispered, my voice trembling.
He didn't answer with words. He just watched me, his eyes dark and hungry, his thumb lingering on my lip.
"Will you do that for me?"
I didn't know how.
I didn't know if I could do it right.
But the thought of him—of his pleasure—being the only thing in my world made me nod.
I'll do it. I'll do anything to stay in his life.
I reached for the fastening of his trousers, my fingers trembling as I unzipped him. I had never done anything like this. I didn't understand the mechanics, the rhythm, or the sheer gravity of the act—but I knew I wanted to be his.
I wanted to be the body that he used for his relief.
He sat back, leaning against the tent's cot, watching me with an intensity that made my skin prickle. As I sank to my knees before him, the reality of my position hit me.
If this means every night he comes back to me... if this keeps him looking at me like I'm the only thing that matters... then I will do this every single night of my life.
"After this..." Kaiser said, his voice low and gravelly as he watched me, "you'll have to promise me something, alright?"
"O-Okay," I whispered, looking up at him through my lashes. "I'll p-promise. Just l-let me l-love you f-first."
"Yes, Celia. Go ahead."
I leaned forward, my hair falling around my face like a dark curtain. As I took him into my mouth, the first thing I realized was the taste—salty, sharp, and primal.
I had never tasted anything so overwhelming.
I was clumsy; I didn't know how to use my tongue or the pressure of my lips, but I pressed on, desperate to please him.
A low, guttistic moan escaped his throat, and my heart leaped.
He likes it. He's really is feeling good.
"Take your time, Celia..." he breathed, his hand coming up to gently stroke my hair, his fingers tangling in the strands.
"Be gentle..."
I didn't want to stop. Every time he groaned, every time his hips bucked slightly toward me, it gave me the courage to go deeper. I wanted to drown in him.
I wanted his pleasure to be from me.
As time blurred, the tent was filled only with the sounds of his heavy breathing and the wet, rhythmic sounds of my devotion. I worked until my jaw ached and my eyes watered, driven by a singular, desperate purpose: Make him stay.
Make him want me.
Finally, his breath hitched into a sharp, broken gasp. He gripped my hair—not to pull me away, but to hold me there as his body shuddered.
I felt it in my mouth.
"You can spit it out now, Celia," he rasped, his voice completely wrecked. Zipping it back up.
"Don't... don't hold it in."
I shook my head, my eyes wide and glazed with heat. I didn't want to let go.
I swallowed, the salt of him sliding down my throat, a physical seal of our intimacy.
I looked up at him, my cheeks flushed and my lips swollen, bruised-looking from the intensity of my work.
"I w-want to sh-show you... I can d-do anything for you," I whispered, my voice a mere ghost of a sound.
"J-Just ask me."
Kaiser reached down, his hands trembling slightly as he pulled me up against him, tucking my head under his chin. He held me with a fierce hug.
As he held me, the tears started again—not the angry tears from before, but the tears of a woman who had finally proved herself.
"I c-can do anything..." I sobbed into his chest, my fingers clutching his shirt.
"P-Please... just l-love me. P-Please, Kai... just l-love me."
He shifted back onto the bedding, pulling me down with him until we were lying together across the tangled wool blankets.
His arms wrapped securely around my back, holding me against his chest, his chin resting over the crown of my head. My cheek was pressed flat over his heartbeat. It was beating fast, heavy and hot beneath his shirt.
I buried my face into his neck, my breath coming in ragged, shuddering hiccups. My jaw ached, my throat burned, and my lips were still tingling.
"I-Is th-that en-enough?" I whispered, my words trembling against his damp skin. "D-Did you f-feel good? D-Did I do g-good, Kai?"
Kaiser's hand came up, his warm fingers slowly stroking the back of my head, combing through my messy white hair.
"I felt really wonderful," he said, his voice quiet, deep, and steady in the dim tent. "I liked it. Thank you for it."
A dizzy rush of relief broke through my chest. I smiled through the wet blur of my tears, my lips trembling against his collar.
He liked it.
I did it right.
"Th-Then you c-can l-love me n-now, r-right?"
Kaiser didn't hesitate. His arm tightened around my waist.
"I can, and I will. But I have a question for you, Celia."
I blinked up through my wet eyelashes, trying to see his eyes in the faint amber glow of the lantern.
"Wh-What is it?"
Kaiser leaned back just an inch, his dark eyes scanning my face, checking my swollen lips, my red eyelids, making sure the violent trembling in my shoulders was slowing down before he spoke.
"I want you to show me where it hurts so I know where to love you the hardest."
My breath hitched. My jaw went slack.
"Wh-What do you m-mean by th-that...?"
"Tell me how you love," he murmured, his thumb brushing a fresh tear off my cheekbone.
"Tell me what you need."
The question cracked something deep inside my ribs. It all spilled out of me at once—messy, desperate, words tumbling over each other before my brain could stop them.
"I-I'm not p-perfect..." I choked out, my fingers bunching the wool of his shirt into tight knots.
Being honest is scary... but I have to do this.
"I m-make m-mistakes. I have j-jealousy issues and tr-trust issues... I can b-be moody s-sometimes... b-but I pr-promise you that if I s-say I l-love you, I m-mean it. I'm f-faithful. I'll b-be l-loyal, and I will d-do everything I c-can to k-keep you. Pl-Please... d-don't confuse my c-care for b-being controlling in the f-future."
"And d-don't make me p-put in all the eff-effort, okay? D-Don't ignore me. L-Love me b-back, like you s-said."
"I will love you back," he said softly.
"A-And..." A ragged hiccup tore through my chest, my voice rising in a panicked ramble.
"Y-You m-might th-think I can, b-but I r-really c-can't live with-without you... I c-can't l-lose you. I will al-always w-want you, o-only you. For m-me, there is n-no one else as p-perfect. Only you c-can drive me cr-crazy, make me h-happy... I'm n-not pretty, b-but my l-love for you is l-loyal and r-real, and it al-always will b-be. I'm h-here for you... S-So please..."
Kaiser didn't interrupt. His hand moved down my spine in slow, rhythmic circles, his palm warm through the thin fabric of my dress.
"It's okay," he whispered against my forehead.
"I'm here, holding you."
Fresh tears spilled over my lower lashes, hot and blinding, soaking straight into the cotton over his collarbone.
"I'm j-just sc-scared..." I sobbed, shaking so hard my teeth clicked.
My heart feels like it's going to explode... but I can't stop.
I just want him to know how much he means to me...
"N-No one has ever m-meant to me what y-you meant to me. I v-value you m-more than anyone in the ent-entire world. And my f-feelings for you have gr-grown since day 1. I w-want us to gr-grow old together... do s-so much f-fun stuff together. I w-want to d-dance with you, and I w-want you to f-fall asleep in my a-arms..."
His thumb swept under my eyes, catching the wet streaks as fast as they fell.
"Y-You're the o-only one I w-wouldn't mind l-losing sleep for," I continued, my chest hitching on broken, breathless whimpers.
"The o-only one who I can n-never get t-tired of t-talking to, and the o-only one who cr-crosses my mind c-constantly thr-throughout the day. You can m-make me sm-smile without any int-intentions and aff-affect my em-emotions with every a-action of yours..."
"I st-still can't expl-explain in words how m-much you m-mean to me, but you're the o-one I'm a-afraid of l-losing, and the o-one I w-want to k-keep in my l-life."
"So c-can you now pl-please l-love me?"
I lifted my chin, forcing my swollen crimson eyes to lock directly onto his.
"I will, my dear," Kaiser answered, his voice dropping into that low, tender register that made my whole body ache with relief.
"Just hold me now. Don't think about anything more. Just listen to my voice."
I buried my face back into the crook of his neck, breathing in the scent of pine and his skin.
"O-Okay..." I whispered.
Just 1 more thing.
I have to know.
"B-But... I w-want to a-ask something b-before..."
"Ask me."
"W-Will you r-really take me as a w-wife? R-Really?"
"Of course I will," he answered without a beat of delay.
"That's why I call you my wife, right?"
"Th-Then after this... we will g-get married, r-right?"
"Of course we'll get married. And you can be my wife."
My fingers curled tightly into his shirt. The relief was intoxicating, but the old, ugly fear inside my stomach refused to die. It clawed at my ribs, demanding that I secure my place before morning arrived.
"After m-marriage... I will of c-course k-keep on pl-pleasuring you," I whispered, my voice trembling, shaking with pathetic, raw submission.
"Pl-Pleasuring you even if I'm u-useless. I will do the c-cooking, the h-housework, and ev-everything so you're not b-bothered or w-wasting your time on other st-stuff... and at n-night, I can m-make you feel b-better after your h-hard work. Th-This way you don't have to l-look anywhere else, okay? I c-can do it. I pr-promise I can..."
Kaiser's fingers stopped moving against my hair.
"Don't say that, Celia," he said, his voice suddenly firm, carrying a hard, quiet edge.
"You're more than that."
"B-But I also w-want one m-more thing..."
Deep breaths... Don't ask for too much. Just ask for what you need...
He looked down at me, his brows pulling together slightly.
"What is it? What would be on your mind?"
I swallowed hard, my throat dry, terrified that asking for anything beyond servitude would make him realize how greedy I was.
"W-Would it be f-fine... if we had b-bookshelves? With the b-books I really like r-reading? If it's o-okay with you... can we b-buy books?"
Kaiser stared at me. His expression softened, almost pained.
"Yes. I'm okay with that."
A tiny spark of courage flickered in my chest, and I pressed on, my voice tiny and hesitant:
"A-And... is it f-fine if s-sometimes I m-mess up the c-cooking? I w-want to tr-try new dishes, b-but I will m-make some food in ad-advance so you can eat pr-properly..."
"I'm fine with that too, Celia."
My chin quivered. I gripped his collar tighter, looking up at his chin, begging for the 1 thing I had never dared to say out loud:
"A-And... is it al-alright if I tr-try to l-learn magic? I w-want to do n-nice things for you... like, maybe I don't kn-know, use m-magic for us so you d-don't have to b-bear the b-burden of every day. I m-may be able to h-help you with other th-things..."
A fresh wave of tears burned my eyes, spilling down my cheeks before I could stop them.
Kaiser went completely silent. He didn't answer right away. He just stared down at me, his hand resting motionless on the back of my neck.
The silence terrified me.
"Wh-When I was little..." I confessed, the words spilling out in a choked, shameful rush.
"un-unlike the other kids... my m-mother didn't let me st-study. My parents were st-strict. They made sure I kn-knew that there was no w-way out of my f-future. That's why I sn-sneaked out and often r-read alone..."
I pressed my face harder into his chest, unable to look at him while I admitted how defective my life had been.
"Ev-Every day of my life was like that. I c-couldn't recall spending time with my parents with a h-happy heart. I spent time in my r-room, slept alone in my b-bed, and w-woke up with a full day of being a-alone again..."
"because I th-thought if I studied m-more, I could be h-happy. Reading books let me esc-escape that life..."
Kaiser didn't speak. His hand lifted, his fingers gently patting the top of my head, stroking down to the nape of my neck, slow and reassuring.
"It w-was no diff-different on my 6th b-birthday," I sobbed, my shoulders shaking violently against his torso.
"And th-then on my 9th... When the l-lights would go out and ev-everyone was sl-sleeping, I would b-be alone a-again. On my 9th b-birthday, n-nobody celebrated it... but I th-thought it was only n-natural because... because I w-wasn't a g-good girl that year. My m-mother was r-really mad at me because I sn-sneaked out..."
"and I w-wanted to cr-cry when she sl-slapped me, but cr-crying was sh-shameful. So inst-instead, I had to st-stop myself and cr-cry alone..."
My voice broke into ragged, chattering gasps. The memory of the slap, the sting of her hand against my cheek, the cold darkness of my locked bedroom—it all came flooding back, suffocating me.
"I c-couldn't be b-born a b-boy," I wept, my hands clawing weakly into his shirt.
"So I at l-least wanted to be u-useful to s-someone in my l-life! Because if I c-couldn't be u-useful, p-people would ab-abandon me... and there would b-be no p-point in me being b-born at all..."
Kaiser went completely still.
The air in the tent seemed to freeze. I felt the muscles in his chest turn to solid stone. His jaw clamped shut with audible force, and when I risked a glance upward through my tears, his face had darkened completely—an icy, murderous pitch black in his eyes.
He wasn't looking at me. He was staring at the canvas ceiling, his pupils narrowed, radiating a quiet, terrifying fury.
Panic seized my chest.
Did I ruin it?
Did I make him angry?
I buried my face back into his chest, sobbing frantically, my arms wrapping around his ribs as tightly as I could manage.
"I-I'm s-sorry!" I cried, my words muffled against his damp skin. "I'm s-sorry for s-saying all th-that! B-But if it's o-okay with you... will you g-give me p-permission to r-read? And c-cook? And m-maybe magic...?"
Kaiser didn't scold me.
His arms clamped around my back with immovable strength. He hauled me upward until my head was tucked firmly beneath his chin, crushing me against his chest with a sudden, suffocating possessiveness that knocked the air straight out of my lungs. He held me so tight I couldn't move an inch, his fingers burying deep into my white hair, his cheek pressed firmly against the top of my head, refusing to let me go.
Did I talk too much?
Are you mad at me, Kai...?
Kaiser took a slow, deep breath, the tension gradually draining from his shoulders. He loosened his grip just enough so I could breathe, his hand gently stroking down the back of my white hair.
"Is it okay if I talk for a bit?" he asked, his voice low and quiet against my temple. "If I ramble on, will you listen to me?"
I sniffled, my fingers curling tightly into his shirt.
"O-Okay... I w-won't mind. Pl-Please."
Kaiser shifted slightly, looking down into my swollen crimson eyes.
"Celia, please focus on yourself."
"It doesn't matter what other people are doing, thinking, saying, or wearing. All that matters is that you focus on yourself. On your life, on your goals, on your relationship with yourself. Because I really want you to become your own best friend. Your own hero. Nobody in this world can care more about you than yourself."
I blinked through my tears, my voice tiny and confused.
"Wh-What are you s-saying...?"
"I want you to stop objectifying your body," he said, his tone impossibly gentle, yet carrying an iron weight.
"I want you to stop thinking that your body is the only thing I want from you, or the only thing you have to offer. I want you to stop seeing your body as an object for yourself and for others. And I want you to stop judging your appearance so harshly."
"Ob-Objectification...?" I whispered. The word felt strange and heavy on my tongue.
"It means treating your body as a physical object instead of being your own person," he explained, his fingers lightly brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
"Celia, you belong to yourself first. Before me. Before anyone else."
"Just as I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, I want you to feel safe, loved, and comforted. I want to know you can come to me when you're not okay, when your eyes are filled with tears, and I'll hold you tight until you're a little more okay. I'm always here for you. I'll take care of you at your best and at your worst. Nothing in this world will change that."
He looked at me with an openness that made my chest ache.
"Maybe this is our story that people will talk about for years. Not because we have something extraordinary, but because we have something honest. You're not just a girl to me. You're someone I deeply cherish, and I'm here for you. Maybe my long words aren't worthy of you. You deserve thousands of books written about how amazing you are."
"When you smile, it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen. You deserve the world, Celia. You're so beautiful, so talented. Yet the life you were born into made you believe you were unlovable. And even with your big heart and your affectionate smile that always puts me in a good mood, you deserve to be adored and cared for in every way that your mind, body, and heart needs and longs for."
"You deserve to be appreciated in every way you give your love and energy to someone else. You deserve to be taken on dates, to not feel guilty asking for what you want, to be unapologetically you, to put your foot down and say 'no more' when someone is only willing to give you the bare minimum."
"You deserve to keep your standards high because that means you will never allow yourself to settle. And never call yourself ugly. Never call your beautiful eyes bad. I love everything about you—starting from your eyes, which are more beautiful than the flames of fire or any sunrise I have ever seen."
"That's why I want to make you smile with every single chance I get."
My chest locked tight.
My mind couldn't take it in.
No one had ever spoken to me like this. No one had ever looked into my red eyes and called them beautiful.
"I don't want you to live in a world where you believe your worth is tied to your body," he continued, his voice steady and calm.
"I don't want you to feel pressured to spend your energy pursuing smaller goals than the ones you truly want. I want you to have the freedom and safety to feel empowered, to show up as who you are, to give yourself permission to have strong boundaries, to have the courage to learn new skills and work for what you want, regardless of your gender."
"I never want you to be told not to be emotional, or told to calm down. I want you to have more interesting things to talk about than just dieting, or being anxious about your weight. I want a world where you can stand on your own two feet against cultural standards and ideas, where children are taught that true strength and beauty aren't external."
I stared up at him, my lower lip trembling violently.
"Y-You... you r-really think th-that way...?"
Kaiser nodded without hesitation.
"A man who objectifies women can never be able to love a woman."
The statement hit me with stunning clarity.
"That's why I want you to promise me today that you will never objectify your body."
"B-But... how is th-that true?" I stammered, my fingers trembling against his collar. "M-Men like women's bodies... th-that's why they chase them, r-right?"
"Those are lustful men," Kaiser answered plainly. "In truth, a man can choose to objectify a woman whether she is wearing clothes or not. A woman cannot stop lust simply by covering up her body."
"Th-Then how can it st-stop...?"
"By changing society. Instead of men thinking that a woman is to blame for revealing her clothes, men should be the ones to stop thinking like rapists."
The words struck my chest with staggering weight.
No one in Celestine had ever spoken those words.
In the towns, whenever a girl was harassed or touched, the elders always blamed her dress, her hair, her posture. They blamed the woman for existing.
"Men don't realize women don't dress for them," Kaiser said, his voice flat with resolve.
"Society demanded that women exist for men's approval. That is what Celestine has enforced for generations. That is what your mother grew up with, and that is what she tried to force onto you."
He brought both hands to my cheeks, cupping my face with gentle warmth, wiping away the wet streaks with his thumbs.
"You're not unlovable, Celia. You can be loved. You have the choice to read books. You have the choice to study. I believe you have all the freedom, skills, and potential to live the life that you truly want. Anything is possible. Everything. You have zero limits on yourself and your freedom. That's what I love about you."
"That's the life I want you to live—a life you choose to live."
He looked into my crimson eyes, his voice steady:
"Celestine is a patriarchy. It won't change in 1 year. Maybe 2, maybe 3, maybe a decade. But one day, I will change Celestine for the better. So that women who grew up in harsh, cruel households can be happy without needing to worry about who they are."
A choked sob caught in my throat.
"Y-You would r-really do th-that... for s-someone like me...?"
"I don't want women to think their bodies are all that make them," he answered, a soft smile touching his lips.
"Instead, I want them to be like you. To smile affectionately with the love they have for themselves. And with you, I want you to start loving yourself. So promise me today: you will never objectify your body, and you will never do what you did tonight out of desperation. The next time you want to show your love, wait for me. Okay?"
He wasn't demanding obedience.
He wasn't asking for my submission.
He was giving me permission to exist as a person.
"I pr-promise," I wept, burying my nose into his collarbone.
"I w-won't ob-objectify myself..."
Kaiser smiled, his hand coming down in a gentle pat over my white hair.
"Good girl."
He shifted back, looking at the dim lantern.
"It's very late. We should sleep now. I'll hold you tonight."
"O-Okay..."
I hesitated, biting my lip, curiosity tugging at my chest.
"Wh-What if... what if s-someone else tries to ob-objectify me?"
"By that time, you'll be strong enough to protect yourself," he answered, his fingers lightly tapping my chin.
"But even so, I will be there to tell them to stop. And if they don't..." His mouth curved into a sharp, dangerous smirk. "Then I just won't give up. I will never allow anyone to objectify you again."
He pulled me close against his chest, rolling onto his side across the bedding, draping his arm securely over my waist.
"It's very late, and you're tired. I'm going to cuddle with you."
"O-Okay..." I murmured, resting my forehead against his throat.
I had never believed a person like him could exist.
Every moment I spend with him feels completely different from anything I have ever known.
He is someone from beyond this world.
Before he closed his eyes, Kaiser looked down at me, offering a warm, genuine smile.
"You're beautiful just being yourself, Celia. Thank you for loving me."
My face erupted in burning heat, blood rushing to my cheeks so fast I had to hide my nose in his chest.
Kaiser closed his eyes, his breathing gradually slowing into a steady, rhythmic cadence.
20 minutes passed. Then 1 hour.
I lay wide awake in the dark, unable to sleep, feeling the heavy warmth of his arm draped over my ribs.
I opened my eyes in the dim shadows of the tent.
His face was relaxed, his dark eyelashes resting still against his pale skin, fast asleep.
Fresh tears welled up in my eyes, warm and quiet, soaking into his shirt.
He didn't just give me permission to read, or cook, or practice magic.
He gave me permission to be myself.
I really want to make it up to you, Kai. I want to be the girl you saw in me.
I'll try to be that girl who is truly herself...and I will never let you go.
*
Perspective: Celia (PRESENT)
Date: February 5, 2018
Time: 2:35 AM
Location: Outside the Rusty Tavern — Frozen Alleyway
The winter air burned my lungs with every ragged breath.
My bare feet slapped against the frozen cobblestones, numb from the cold, but I didn't slow down. I rounded the stone corner of the alleyway, my chest heaving, the hem of my ripped nightgown snapping against my bare right thigh.
Under the lone amber streetlamp, the wooden bench sat in the snow.
And there he was.
Curled onto his side, his dark coat pulled tight over his shoulders, his knees tucked slightly toward his chest.
He didn't go home.
He actually didn't go home.
I stopped 10 paces away, my knuckles white against my sides. My jaw clenched so hard my molars ground together.
Idiot.
How can someone be this careless about their own health? Sleeping in the middle of a freezing alleyway.
Shadows gathered beneath my heels. A tall silhouette stepped out from the darkness, wearing a tailored black waistcoat, a crisp white collar, and a pair of polished obsidian horns curving back from his hair.
Crownless smoothed the lapels of his waistcoat with 2 fingers, eyeing the sleeping boy on the bench.
[ My Queen, I must say... I absolutely love this arc. ] Crownless adjusted his silk tie, his lips pulling into an amused smirk. [ Moving on from that nga Demon Lord to this? Truly, an upgrade. He is far more interesting. ]
Find medicine for a fever.
I didn't even look at him. My voice cut straight into his mind.
Go into the district apothecary. If the doors are locked, unlatch the back window. Bring a fever tincture and a cleansing draft. 3 minutes, Crownless. Move.
Crownless sighed with theatrical reluctance, bowing with 1 hand behind his back. [ As you command, Queen. Your humble executive secretary dips. ]
He dissolved into a pool of black vapor.
I summoned a 2nd shadow from my left wrist. A small, fluttering form materialized into the cold air—Mirage, her translucent wings vibrating with nervous speed.
Mirage.
[ Y-Yes, Mistress! ]
Find an open tavern kitchen. If none are open, pick the lock on the bakery 2 streets down. Get warm food. Wrap it in clean butcher's paper so it can be carried and eaten by hand. Now.
Mirage hovered in place, her tiny hands wringing the air, her luminous eyes darting toward the bench.
[ M-Mistress... why do you go this far for him? ] Her small voice trembled. [ He hurt you. He was so cruel to you earlier. Why are you breaking into shops to feed him? ]
"Shut up."
The whisper left my mouth cold and flat.
Mirage flinched, pulling her wings tight around her shoulders.
"You know nothing. Do what you're told."
[ I-I'm sorry! Right away! ] Mirage squeaked, vanishing into a streak of pale light.
I walked toward the bench.
My bare feet made no sound on the frost. I stopped beside the wooden planks, looking down at his face.
His breathing was heavy, rattling slightly in his throat with the start of a deep chest chill. Dark eyelashes rested against skin that was far too pale, the shadows under his eyes purple from exhaustion.
My right hand rose on its own.
My fingers hovered 1 inch above his cheek. Then, slowly, my index finger touched the skin below his cheekbone.
It was freezing. Ice-cold, without a single shred of body heat.
I snatched my hand back instantly, pressing it flat against the center of my chest, over my pounding heart.
How do I wake him?
If I shake him, won't he think I'm attacking him?
He already thinks I hate him. I stomped on his face 3 hours ago. What if he wakes up, sees me standing over him, and gets furious?
My eyes darted across the cobblestones. A handful of loose gravel and small rocks lay near the brick foundation of the tavern wall.
I can throw a pebble.
Just to make a sound.
I crouched down, selected a tiny, smooth pebble no larger than a fingernail, and stood back up.
Lightly. So it doesn't hurt.
I flicked my wrist. The pebble bounced off the shoulder of his coat with a faint thump and rolled onto the snow.
Kaiser didn't move. He didn't even twitch.
My teeth ground together.
Are you serious?
How can you be sleeping this deeply in an open street? A pack of wild dogs could drag you into the river and you wouldn't notice until morning.
A faint ripple in the air announced Mirage's return. She dropped out of the sky, panting, clutching a steaming paper package tied with twine.
[ I got it, Mistress! Smoked chicken with roasted potatoes, tossed in red pepper chili oil and crushed peppercorns! It's piping hot! ]
I leaned in. The sharp, pungent sting of chili and black pepper hit my nose immediately.
My eyes narrowed.
"He doesn't eat spicy food."
Mirage froze mid-air, clutching the grease-stained paper. [ Wh-What? ]
"Kaiser hates overly spicy food. It upsets his stomach. Remove the spice."
Mirage stared at me with wide, terrified eyes.
[ R-Remove the spice?! How?! With magic?! Mistress, what magic extracts chili oil from cooked chicken?! I'm an illusion demon, not a cook! ]
"Then throw it away and go back." I pointed toward the main avenue. "Find a kitchen with cream soup, stew, or roasted meat without spices. Something rich. Something creamy. 2 minutes, Mirage."
[ E-Eeeek! Right away! ] Mirage dropped the peppered parcel into the snow and darted into the dark at full speed.
A shadow surged up beside the bench. Crownless stepped out of the wall, holding 2 glass vials with amber fluid and a clean roll of gauze.
[ Grade-2 fever draught and a willow-bark restorative, My Queen. Sourced from the finest locked shelf in the East Market. No alarm was tripped. ]
Mirage burst back into the alleyway 90 seconds later, nearly crashing into Crownless's shoulder. She held a fresh parcel wrapped in thick parchment—the warm aroma of roasted chicken, soft bread, and thick mushroom cream stew drifting into the cold air.
[ C-Creamy chicken stew and buttered rolls! No pepper! 0 spice! I swear it! ]
I took the warm parchment bundle from Mirage and the 2 medicine vials from Crownless. I pressed the vials into the paper wrap, tucking them firmly into the twine so nothing would fall out.
Good.
I turned toward the bench.
He was still dead to the world, lying on his side, motionlessly curled against the wooden planks.
I looked down at the ground. I bent over, picked up a solid, jagged stone roughly the size of an apple, and weighed it in my palm.
Now wake up, you absolute fool.
I reared back and threw it straight at his lower back.
THWACK.
"YO! YO! I HAVE NO MONEY! YO, I'M HOMELESS!"
Kaiser shot upright off the bench, his arms windmilling violently, his boots kicking into the air. He curled into a defensive ball, ducking behind his coat collar and screaming into the empty alleyway.
"TAKE THE SHOES! THEY'RE FAKE NIKEY ANYWAYS!"
I stood 3 paces away, my arms crossed over my ribs, staring at him in dead silence.
My jaw worked. My throat went completely dry.
What do I say now?
What am I supposed to say?!
He was frantically checking his pockets, his messy black hair sticking up in 4 different directions, blinking against the amber glow of the lantern.
Then I remembered.
The Rusty Tavern behind me? I bought it. It was registered under my syndicate's holding ledger.
This was my street.
I hardened my gaze, forcing every bit of icy authority into my posture.
"Get out of my street."
Kaiser stopped rummaging through his empty pockets. His head jerked up, his heavy, half-asleep blue eyes blinking through the dark until they landed on me.
He froze.
"Celia...?"
My chest tensed.
A sudden, warm flutter hit the base of my throat, so violent I almost took a step backward. Hearing him say my name in that rough, sleep-thick voice made my fingers tremble.
I clamped down on it instantly.
"I told you to get off my street." I kept my tone flat, razor-sharp, and cold. "Why are you still loitering around my tavern after I threw you outside like trash?"
Kaiser blinked once. Then his shoulders slumped, and he let out a massive, unhurried yawn that stretched his entire torso. He scratched the side of his neck with 1 hand, looking around the empty alley.
"I was just taking a 5-minute break." He rubbed the sleep from his right eye with his sleeve. "I was going to head home, and I—"
"Go home now." I cut him off, not letting him finish the sentence. "Don't sleep on the street on my bench."
Kaiser looked down at the wooden planks beneath him, then back up at me with a tired, dry grin.
"Yeah, yeah. Who wants to sleep on the street anyway?" He stretched his legs out, his joints popping faintly in the cold.
"I'm not that homeless. I'm a homeless guy with a home."
My left eye twitched.
He's freezing to death in a snowy alleyway and he has the nerve to make jokes.
I didn't wait for another word. I stepped forward and hurled the heavy, steaming package of food and medicine straight into his chest.
Kaiser fumbled, catching the warm parcel against his ribs with both hands.
"Here's your leftover food." I turned half an inch away, my chin tilted high. "I don't want to owe you anything for eating in my tavern earlier."
Kaiser looked down at the clean butcher's paper, smelling the rich mushroom cream through the steam.
"Actually, I didn't even pay—"
"I don't care!" I snapped, my voice sharp enough to echo off the brick walls. "As compensation for the noise earlier, I put medicine in there too. Eat your dinner 1st, and then take the medicine."
Kaiser peeled back a corner of the parchment, peering at the warm roasted chicken, the thick stew, and the 2 glass vials tucked into the twine. His eyebrows rose.
"Ooh. Creamy. Smells really good, actually." He looked up at me, scratching his jaw with a thoughtful expression.
"Wait... do I have to pay you for this? Because I'm running seriously low on coin right now. I'm really poor, Celia."
Heat rushed up my neck.
"I-I don't need your money!" The stutter slipped out before I could choke it back down.
"J-Just don't show me your face and g-get out!"
Kaiser blinked, then closed the paper parcel and held it firmly under 1 arm.
"Fine, fine."
He pushed himself up off the bench, standing on his boots.
The amber streetlamp hit the side of his face.
My breath hitched.
On his chin, right along the corner of his lower jaw, was the deep, ragged red gash. The skin was split wide, dried crimson blood crusting along the edges where the sharp heel of my red shoe had struck him 3 hours ago.
My teeth clicked together. A heavy, suffocating knot tightened behind my sternum.
"Put medicine on your wound." I forced the words out, harsh and bitter.
"I don't want to see anything ugly like that on my street."
Kaiser paused. His fingers reached up, brushing lightly against the cut on his chin.
"Oh. Right. This."
He reached inside the breast pocket of his long dark coat and pulled out a small glass vial containing a pale green liquid—a standard, cheap health potion.
He popped the cork with his thumb and downed it in 1 swallow.
A faint green glow washed over his jawline. The split tissue pulled together, the edges sealing closed within 4 seconds, leaving only faint, pink, healed skin where the blood had crusted.
My fingers loosened slightly at my sides.
Good.
Kaiser tucked the empty vial back into his pocket. He took 1 step toward the main street, then stopped.
His gaze drifted down from my face.
Past my collarbone. Past my waist.
Down to my hips, down my legs, and straight to the snow.
His eyebrows slowly lifted. His mouth twitched once. Twice.
Then he snorted.
"Hahhahaha!"
My spine went rigid.
"Wh-What are you laughing at?!"
Kaiser pointed a finger down at me, grinning wide into the freezing night air.
"You're lecturing me about loitering in the street, and you ran out here in a shredded nightgown."
I froze.
My eyes dropped.
The world suddenly went dead silent.
The entire right side of my silk nightgown was torn open to the hip—where I had hacked my own leg off 20 minutes ago. The hem was ragged, smeared with dark, dried bloodstains. My bare right thigh and knee were completely exposed to the bitter wind.
And on my feet?
Nothing.
No red heels. No stockings. Bare, pale feet planted directly into the freezing snow, my toes already bright pink from the frost.
I had sprinted through the middle of the town half-naked in my nightclothes just to make sure he wasn't dead.
Blood rushed to my face in an instant. My cheeks burned so hot the snowflakes melting against my skin turned to steam.
"D-Don't laugh at me like that!" I shrieked, my voice cracking wildly as I pulled the torn silk tight against my hip with 1 shaking hand.
"I-I wasn't running for you! I was j-just making sure there weren't filthy homeless people littering the front of my tavern, that's all! D-Don't get the wrong idea!"
Kaiser raised both hands in mock surrender, that familiar, infuriatingly calm smirk curving his lips.
"Sure, sure. I got you. Landlord inspections. Very professionally timed."
"Shut up!"
He gave a small, quiet shake of his head, turned on his heel, and started walking toward the end of the alley. His boots crunched rhythmically through the snow, the warm package of food tucked securely against his side.
I stood there in the freezing slush, my fingers clutching my torn nightgown.
My fists curled tight.
Say something.
Don't say anything.
I wanted him to say something to me... but what else is there? I don't want to be any harsher than I already was.
10 paces away, Kaiser stopped.
Right beneath the circle of amber light from the streetlamp at the corner.
My breath locked in my throat.
"Wh-Why did you stop?" My voice was thin, trembling against the cold.
"Go home! Eat your food, take the medicine, and don't show me your face!"
A soft, breathy chuckle drifted back through the snow.
Kaiser turned around.
The amber light illuminated his messy black hair, casting warm highlights across the bridge of his nose and his pale skin.
He opened his eyes, looking directly across the distance into mine. Clear, deep blue eyes, steady and completely devoid of anger.
Then he smiled.
It was not a smirk. It was not teasing.
It was soft. Patient. Incredibly gentle.
"Thank you for the food, Celia."
My vision blurred.
My breath stopped entirely, my lungs freezing solid in my chest.
That smile.
It was the exact same smile he had given me that night in the tent months ago. The smile he wore when he held my head against his heart, when he told me I was beautiful just being myself, when he gave me permission to exist without being anyone's object.
Kaiser turned back around.
He pulled his collar up against the wind, stepped out onto the main road, and disappeared into the snowy dark.
The street went silent.
Only the whistle of the winter wind through the alleyway remained.
I stood completely still, staring at the empty space under the streetlamp where his boots had left fresh tracks in the white snow.
My teeth clenched hard enough to ache.
You never changed.
You were always like this. Annoying, careless with yourself, but never cruel.
I was the one who changed.
I was the one who got scared, who became controlling, who tried to trap you... and then pushed you away when I couldn't.
And now I'm standing in the snow, dwelling on it.
My clenched hands slowly opened. My fingers went limp, hanging loose against the cold silk of my torn gown.
Even so...
I made you a promise that night.
I promised I would never let you go.
Even if I'm not yours anymore. Even if you don't want me back. I'll watch you from afar. I'll make sure you don't freeze to death. And whenever you're too stubborn to take care of yourself... I'll step in.
I lifted my left hand, pressing my palm flat against my chest, right above my heart.
On my middle finger, the heavy, darkened metal of the Ring of Empty Chaos—cold, dead, and motionless for days—suddenly stirred.
A faint, deep warmth pulsed against my skin.
Beneath the blackened surface of the band, a tiny crimson light ignited. A slow, swirling thread of red empty chaos began to rotate once more, circling through the metal in steady, pulsing rotations.
The blue side remained quiet and dead.
But the red was alive.
I closed my fingers tight over the ring, feeling the faint warmth seep into my knuckles.
Even if we are unfinished lovers...
I never stopped loving you.