"Are you sure?" asked Luna.
"Nope," Harry replied, breaking a mandarin in half and handing her a piece. "But, you know, sometimes there's just no other choice. If anything happens, you know where to get... you know."
"Yeah," the girl answered calmly. "Come here, let me kiss you."
"Yeah," he smiled. "Go ahead. Just make it real... mmm... whoa!.. Luna!"
"What? I didn't do anything," she replied placidly. "Good luck."
Harry raised his hand and vanished from sight.
*
«Hey there, Apple Moth!
This might very well be the last time I'm writing to you. No idea what kind of grand speech I should make... You already know you're my best friend, and as for the rest — nothing more to say.
Anyway, our little dark lord still has one backup left — and it's me, mate! Cue the applause... So yeah, just a reminder: a living backup can only be destroyed by killing it. I'm gonna try something, but I doubt it'll work...
Don't hold it against me, apple moth!
I wrote a will — the aunt and uncle get a decent cut, so do my godfather and dear Auntie Bella, and of course, you-know-who, Luna and her dad, and you and your parents too. Make sure no one gives Aunt Petunia a hard time, okay?
Well, that's all.
Forever yours,
The Lemon Eater.»
*
Luna Lovegood was just about to go to bed when an owl began frantically tapping at the window.
«Luna! Harry's planning something suicidal! Tell Professor Snape right away! — Terry», she read.
"Something urgent?" her roommate asked.
"Oh, no, not at all..." Luna was carefully brushing her hair. Harry's aunt had told her to take better care of herself, and she was doing her best. "One hundred and fifty!"
"What?"
"I've brushed my hair a hundred and fifty times," she replied. "I'll go take the breathlings out for a walk before bed..."
And really, who would follow her after a statement like that?..
…Snape opened the door at the knock and froze.
"Miss Lovegood? What is it?"
"Well, sir," she said calmly, "it seems Harry's gone to the basilisk."
Snape was speechless for a moment, then rushed to the fireplace—only to realize it would waste too much time...
Lovegood stood still in the doorway.
"Gather the other professors!" he ordered and disappeared through another passage.
"Pfft. As if it's Harry's first time down there," Luna shrugged and leisurely went to carry out her task.
*
Snape stormed into the Chamber of Secrets like a whirlwind—and instantly realized he was too late.
Shen stood guard, and when Snape tried to get closer, she struck a clearly threatening pose. Apparently, Potter had told her not to let anyone interfere with his plan... And the professor, to put it mildly, wasn't about to try killing or even disturbing the snake in front of a basilisk.
Harry was standing nose to nose with the basilisk, whose eyes were shut, whispering something to it.
"Got it?" Snape managed to make out. "Open your eyes, and then bite me—like those things. Not the other way around. And we won't bother you again, promise! Unless you ask, of course."
"Alriiiight..." came the hissed reply.
Harry stuck his hand into its mouth.
The basilisk opened its eyes. Snape barely managed to squeeze his shut in time.
First came the sound of a body hitting the ground, then the castle shook to its foundation. Snape thought he heard a distant scream. He opened his eyes just in time to see the basilisk's tail vanishing into the statue's mouth, and above Harry's motionless body a dark cloud slowly dissipating.
"Potter..." he called, stepping closer. "Potter?"
There was no response. Behind the smoky lenses of his glasses, Potter's eyes were frozen, staring into nothing. A horribly smug smirk was still stuck on his lips.
Snape couldn't help recalling how that little brat once fell asleep on his shoulder, and back then his face had been peaceful, boyish—not this insolent expression.
And Snape himself would never have sons of his own—because magic takes vengeance on those who break their vows. He had failed to protect Lily's only son, and so his line would end as well...
"Harry?" Snape said quietly, clutching his wand, narrowing his eyes—and in the end, the only thing that stopped him from an Unforgivable or a solid kick was Shen's presence.
"You little bastard. Your dad would've been proud, you bloody menace."
His laughter echoed under the vaulted ceiling...
Soon, the other professors arrived.
"Harry, my poor boy!" Dumbledore immediately lamented. "You gave your young life…"
McGonagall sobbed, Madam Sprout reached for her handkerchief.
"Oh, don't get dramatic," Snape snorted. "This little beast will be poisoning all our lives for many years to come. Mostly mine."
"What do you mean?" asked Madam Pomfrey.
"None of you get it?" he sighed heavily. "He let the basilisk bite him—but only after looking it in the eyes. Through his glasses. Your hero is alive—just petrified."
And Snape burst out laughing again—which was so unnatural and unsettling that Madam Pomfrey started digging through her pockets for a calming draught.
"He is a Slytherin, after all," McGonagall said once she recovered.
"And the mandrakes are nearly ripe," Madam Sprout smiled. "We'll revive him soon!"
"Maybe we should let him lie there a while," Snape muttered. "Might do him some good. Let him reflect on the eternal, so he won't pull stunts like this again. Honestly…"
He suddenly broke off—his left arm burned with pain. The Mark was fading... fading... vanishing. And not just for him. Across the country, people couldn't believe their eyes...
…Harry opened his eyes and saw the painfully familiar hospital ceiling. He stretched with pleasure, felt around for his glasses on the nightstand, and put them on. Then he brushed his hair—and was genuinely surprised to find no scar.
Just a few minutes later, Snape burst into the hospital wing.
"Potter, say something, anything, that would stop me from Avada-ing you on the spot!" he blurted out.
"Azkaban, sir," Harry replied solemnly. "And it worked, imagine that!"
"Potter!"
"Pretty good prank, huh? Messed with all of you… mmm… just a little?"
"Potter!!!"
"The risk was high," he admitted. "But experiments showed I had better than fifty-fifty odds, so it was worth it!"
"What…?"
"Well," Harry sat up on the bed, hugging his knees, "I figured a while ago that the Dark Lord wasn't after me for no reason. I'd read a lot of stuff from Sirius, you know. And, well… it all kind of clicked!" He scratched the back of his head. "So I grabbed a few lab mice, some glass, and went downstairs. Remember I asked if magic could be blocked with glasses? Yeah. Mice, Shen, smashed a window..."
"You broke the window too?!"
"I did," Harry said proudly. "Anyway… I asked the basilisk to petrify the mice. Through the glass. Then I snuck a bit of mandrake — mice only need a couple of drops… Almost all of them came back."
"Almost?" Snape tugged at his collar.
"I think it depended on the thickness and color of the glass. I extrapolated and figured my glasses would do fine," Harry adjusted them. "I remembered our victims and figured you'd be able to revive me afterward, and the venom… well, you know!"
"You should've been killed back in your first year," Snape muttered darkly. "And your dear aunt Bella is ready to commit genocide right now..."
"She'll get over it. I already told her the Dark Lord was toast," Harry snorted. "Oh, and did anyone think to write to Terry? So he doesn't freak out?"
"Miss Lovegood wrote to him."
"Ah, perfect… Luna's a smart girl, she gets it!"
"Wait… She knew?!"
"Of course, we went in together — just as a precaution," said Harry.
"Avada would be too merciful for you," Snape finally managed after a pause.
"Sir, what are you doing?!"
"Great Merlin, I've dreamed of this moment for so long..." Snape muttered, twisting Harry's ear.
"That hurts!" the boy whined. "Your fingers are like iron!"
Snape didn't even realize how it happened, but suddenly Harry's nose was pressed against his shoulder.
"I swore to protect you," he told the boy. And yes, he was still a boy, even if tall and strong…
"You don't have to do it out of obligation, sir," Harry pulled back and looked him in the eye. Snape didn't try to read him — that would've been too low. "And not out of memory either. They're up there—" he waved his hand upward, "—they'll figure out on their own whether we did the right thing. Sir? Are you okay, sir…?"
It was unbelievable, but Severus Snape gave Harry Potter a firm hug, and Harry didn't pull away.
"I'm fine, really, sir," he said softly and closed his eyes just in case. Something told him not to look the professor in the face — the man clearly wasn't in a good place, and didn't need extra witnesses. "The main thing is, the Dark Lord's body got destroyed, right?"
Snape flinched. He'd completely forgotten about that. Sure, the Horcruxes were gone, but Voldemort himself…!
"I'll tell my godfather," Harry yawned, "and my aunt. Let them sort it out, I'm done with all this mess! By the way, sir, do you want to get married?"
"Me?!" Snape was so horrified he forgot all about Voldemort. "Merlin forbid!"
"Why not? You're still young… Hmm…" Harry tilted his head. "Should I set you up with my aunt?"
"She's older!"
"Oh come on, that kind of age difference doesn't matter among wizards…" Judging by the gleam in Potter's eyes, he'd found a new source of entertainment. "Sir, what's so bad about it, really? You could keep an eye on her and, you know, overall…"
"I don't want to be related to your godfather!"
"Oh, don't be such a child," Harry began to mock openly. "I want this, I don't want that… Sirius didn't want a lot of things either, and then his ancestor gave him a kick and boom, done. Or do you just not like Aunt Bella? Too old for you?"
"Erm…" Snape said, feeling a blush rise. Bellatrix, despite her age and time in prison, was still quite stunning, and now that she had recovered and gotten herself together after Azkaban… Hadn't he thought about her in his upper years when he was trying to forget Lily? Oh, those jet-black curls of Bellatrix…
"Oh, sir," Potter grinned wickedly. "I see my aunt struck you, if not in the heart, then… well, I won't say where. Just tell me—are we doing this or not? Because if I talk her into it and you back out, she'll kill you! Or you'll kill her."
"I hate you," Snape said honestly. "She wouldn't go for a half-blood, younger than her, and on top of that…"
"If she won't, she won't," Harry said businesslike. "Big deal, it's not like we're going to announce to all of magical Britain that Professor Snape tried to woo Mrs. Lestrange, née Black, and got rejected!"
"And I dream of killing you…"
"...since first year, I know. That's nothing, sir!" Potter smiled. "Better tell me how to finish off our little Dark Lord. I mean, I know how, but I need to get into their Department of Mysteries where they're keeping his body… Otherwise, I feel like we'll never get a moment's rest."
"Give me a couple of days," Snape said. "I'll find out the way… and then we'll see, as you say, Potter."
"Yeah…" Harry nodded, gently stroking Shen, who had appeared from who-knows-where. "Sir, I don't understand what she's saying anymore. Why is that?"
"That must've been part of the Horcrux," Snape quickly reasoned. "The Dark Lord was a Parselmouth, and that ability transferred to you. But once the Horcruxes were destroyed… all those powers disappeared."
"That's fine, right, Shen?" Harry asked, gazing at the massive snake. "You still understand me?"
She hissed something in response and laid her head on his knee.
"Sh-sh-sh... sh… Sounds like Morse code," Harry said seriously. "Sir, is it possible to learn Parseltongue?"
"I learned it, didn't I?" Snape muttered.
"Oh! Right, you said you understand but don't hiss yourself… Shen, darling, will you help me?" Harry asked his pet. "I'm really sorry I can't talk to you anymore! So I've got to learn the language quickly…"
Snape buried his face in his hands. With Potter, he wouldn't be surprised if the boy ended up mastering Parseltongue from scratch.
*
"You've lost your mind!" Sirius exclaimed when he heard his godson's plan.
"Takes one to know one," Harry shot back.
"You talk to Bella yourself!"
"Well obviously—wouldn't trust you with it anyway…"
"You're insane!" Bellatrix shouted when Harry proposed such a… such a mésalliance!
"Nope. I'm perfectly sane! What don't you like about Snape?" Harry realized the soft approach wouldn't work and got straight to the point. "Aunt Bella, it'd be better if he became family. You never know what might happen… I can't force you, obviously, but if something goes wrong, we won't be able to get him out. We wouldn't have the right—he's not kin. I barely managed to reach you, even!"
"Oh, that's what you meant," she calmed down. "A fake marriage?"
"Exactly, Aunt Bella! Sign where needed and that's it, all done! And if anything comes up, we're basically a whole clan," Harry smirked. "Look, I've gotten used to the professor. He's smart, and a good man…"
"Hm…" said Bellatrix thoughtfully.
"Honestly! Please!" He gave her a pleading look. "It's not like you'd have to sleep with him—he's at the school all year long!"
"Harry…" she said in a warning tone. "I think someone needs to wash their mouth out with soap."
"Nooo!" Potter raised his hands defensively. "Please don't! I was rude, I admit it, and I'm sorry! Hey, can Luna carry your train at the wedding…?"
*
«Hi there, Apple Moth!
So, here's the deal: once I belly-crawled my way out from under my Unforgivable Aunt, I started feeling a lot better. By the way—you're officially invited to the ceremony. Auntie's grinding her teeth, but my godfather is thrilled... We really need to get him married off too. Think about who'd be a good match, will you? He's such a dumbass—while Auntie's still in the house it's fine, but once she moves out, what then?
P.S. Mr. Moony will be picking you and the folks up.»
*
«Hey there, Lemon Eater!
You know, I think it was actually safer with the basilisk...
Your godfather definitely needs to get married, but to whom—I've no clue. Gotta find someone pure-blooded, I suppose.
P.S. Seriously though, where would your aunt even move? That tiny little house? Don't make me laugh. She'll drag her husband right back to Grimmauld Place, and that's when the real fun will begin...
P.P.S. Things are over between me and Hannah. No luck with girls, mate! Not complaining—just keeping you informed, just in case...»
*
"You're going to be the best man, and don't even think about slipping away," said Harry to Sirius. "But we don't have a bridesmaid… Oh!"
"What?" asked Luna, recognizing the moment when inspiration struck her friend.
"You're too young for the role. But the aunt's got another sister, and she has a daughter!" Harry burst out. "Sirius, how do we find them?"
Sirius groaned but eventually sent his godson and Luna off to see Andromeda. Let them deal with her themselves!
"Hello," said Harry when the door opened, paying no attention to the wand aimed straight at his forehead. "I'm, like, here with a wedding invitation! And you're pointing sticks at me! Some aunt you are…"
"Hm…" The door opened a bit wider. Andromeda looked a lot like Bellatrix, though she had obviously aged much better. "And who are you, boy?"
"Potter," he replied cheerfully. "Harry. And this is Luna Lovegood. And the wedding, by the way, is your elder sister's. Bellatrix."
"Bella?!" The door flew open. "Come in, children! I heard she'd been released, but marrying again…?"
"I made her," Harry said as he flopped casually into an armchair. Luna perched on the armrest. "Honestly, it was getting ridiculous."
"So who is the lucky man…" Andromeda looked at him eagerly. "I heard Rodolphus died in prison and…"
"A widow with a fortune draws suitors like flies," said Harry. "So she's marrying someone younger, broke, and ambitious… There's not even talk of a kiss, but look—he won't abandon her, and they actually respect each other."
"Maybe that's for the best…" Andromeda lowered her gaze—just as something clattered in the hallway.
"Mum, it's me!" a cheerful voice called, and an unfamiliar girl tumbled into the living room. "Oh! Guests!"
"That's my daughter, Nim—"
"Tonks!" the girl declared. "And don't you forget it!"
"Harry," he said, standing slightly. "And this is Luna."
"Harry Potter?!" the girl gasped, her hair shifting from lavender to neon pink. "No way! Why are you just sitting there? Tea? I'll make some!"
"She works in the Auror Office," Andromeda sighed. "I'd better check on her before she wrecks the kitchen…"
From the kitchen came a crash and a clatter.
Harry and Luna exchanged looks.
"I like her," said Luna.
"Yeah, she's cool. And her age isn't bad either…" Harry scratched the back of his head, trying to work out the family connections.
"You know," he said, "Sirius definitely needs to get married. Tonks is crazy enough that he'll never get bored."
"She's sweet," Luna nodded. "I think you're right. She doesn't even have any wrackspurts—they all ran away!"
"Out of fear?"
"No, on command," Luna replied seriously. "She's trained them."
"Well, either way. And Auntie Bella will fix that hair real quick," Harry shuddered. "That color's a nightmare! Will you help me?"
"Of course," Luna said calmly. "Just tell me what you want!"