"What?!"
McGonagall dropped her teacup.
"Who?!"
"S-S-Severus asked for a week's leave..." Flitwick repeated. "He's g-getting married."
Madam Sprout and Madam Pomfrey exchanged stunned looks.
"Here are the invitations for everyone," McGonagall swallowed. "And here's the bride's name..."
The professors exchanged horrified glances. The bride was listed as Bellatrix Lestrange, née Black.
"How is that possible?" Minerva asked.
"I-I don't know," Flitwick stammered, now with a persistent stutter. "B-but the invitations—they're r-real..."
...
"I think your aunt is really something," said Terry, wearing Harry's formal robes. They looked much better on him than on the owner.
Bellatrix, in a modest ivory dress (well, she's no maiden), walked arm in arm with the professor, whose face clearly read why am I even here?, down the aisle.
The Dursleys, invited as close relatives, huddled together: the father in his best suit, Petunia in a floral hat and a lilac chiffon dress, and Dudley in his school uniform. They looked rather intimidated, even under Mr. Lovegood's watchful care.
The neighbors, though, were another story: Mrs. Higgs, in a charming cream dress, had already struck up a conversation with a young witch, Mr. Higgs was confidently chatting with Lucius Malfoy, and Narcissa was dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief as she looked at her elder sister. Her son supported her by the arm, clearly not believing what was happening.
Nor did the middle Black sister, Andromeda, who hadn't yet dared approach the Malfoys. She watched in horror as Tonks, nervously changing her hair color every half a minute, carried Bellatrix's train, biting her lip with effort and trying her hardest not to mess up. She made it to the altar — just barely...
"Honestly, your aunt's a riot," Harry nodded, holding Luna's hand. "Now watch, the real fun's about to begin! Bet you Tonks totally wipes out on the way back with that train!"
"She's not that clumsy," Terry snorted — and jinxed it: Tonks caught her hem on a little stool, let go of the train, flailed her arms, and started to fall — only to be caught just in time by the best man.
"Y-yes!" Potter whispered triumphantly.
"Did you set up obstacles for her or what?"
"She doesn't need them — she'll trip on her own," he snorted. "But I did have a little chat with Sirius, that's true... What are they up to over there? I'm totally not paying attention."
"Well, that hound's got his arm around the girl's waist and is saying something," Terry said, looking in the right direction. "She's turning green... no, literally — her hair's turning green... now blue... ooh, gorgeous color! Now she's giggling... I think Tonks doesn't mind getting a little closer. Her mum's just frowning. I'll go fix that — introduce them, distract the attention, and Sirius, well, I'm sure he'll seal the deal."
"Thanks, mate," Harry said sincerely. "Why are you smiling, Luna?"
"I think an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus make a good couple," she replied.
"Do you remember they're close relatives?"
"Not as close as your godfather's parents were."
"Try arguing with you... Come on, let's go congratulate my aunt and the professor! Although he looks like he's about to bolt back to school..."
"He only looks like that," Luna said quietly. "He's just very tired and wants to go home."
They exchanged a glance and headed toward the newlyweds.
"I'm not going," Bellatrix was muttering through her teeth. "Who do you take me for?!"
"For my wife," the professor replied venomously. "If you don't want to live with me, go live with your cousin — but then what was the point of this whole farce?"
"Ask your student!"
"What?" Harry said, surprised. "Actually, it was to get those two married..."
He nodded toward Sirius, who had already led Tonks to a bench, and she was blushing and swooning. Her hair shimmered in impossible shades of blue — an absolute delight to behold!
Bellatrix and Severus were struck speechless.
"I'm going to kill you, Potter," the professor finally said.
"No, as a family member, I get first dibs," declared the newly minted Mrs. Snape. "You can finish him off if needed. After all, which one of us is the duelist and which one's the potion master?"
"You know, Bella, I've studied the Unforgivables too!"
"But he's my nephew, and I get to kill him!"
"He's not your nephew, he's—"
"A relative!"
"And he's my student! I'm responsible for him!"
"See? You've already got so much in common!" Harry laughed — and ducked behind a tree just in case.
Luna was giggling from a distance.
"Is that fireworks?" asked Mr. Lovegood.
"No, that's just my aunt and new uncle showing their love," Harry replied from the bushes. "Please distract them! They'll really kill me!"
Terry crawled up from behind and offered him some chewing gum.
"A perfect couple," he said. "You should go into matchmaking. Look at them, bickering like a pair of firecrabs — but I swear, in a year, you'll be an uncle yourself. Black-haired, big-nosed little uncles..."
"Makes sense — they're both brunettes. As for the noses, we'll see!"
"And your godfather almost dragged Tonks into the greenhouse. She wasn't exactly resisting, but then her mum stormed in and tried to yank her daughter out of Sirius's clutches..." Terry added.
Harry snorted quietly. Quietly — because Bellatrix was blasting spells all over the place, and letting her actually aim was not part of his survival strategy. Especially since, even with a "spare" wand, she was dangerously capable. And besides, Terry was right there.
"But then Mrs. Malfoy stepped in and intercepted her sister just in time. I don't know what's going on in that greenhouse now, but I wouldn't go near it. You never know..." Terry finished.
Harry clamped both hands over his mouth to muffle his laughter.
"So what do you think — is it safe to come out?"
"Looks like it. But I'm going first — Auntie hits hard, and you never know when..."
He crawled backward out from under the bush — and ran straight into the professor.
"Yes, Uncle Severus?" he asked in the sweetest voice, nearly bursting into laughter but managing to hold it in. "Did you want something?"
"Since when am I your uncle?" Snape asked darkly.
"Since you married Auntie Bella," Harry replied cheerfully — and then doubled over laughing. "H-haha… Just imagine me walking into class like, 'Uncle Severus!'"
"I'll kill you before that happens," Snape muttered, grabbing the teenager by the collar and dragging him along. "Bella! I caught the little pest!"
"At least there's something I can trust you to do!" Bellatrix said, approaching with her train slung over her arm.
"Auntie, why are you being so mean to Uncle?" Harry asked. "I went to all that trouble matchmaking you two! Want me to go call Sirius? He'll—"
Three hands clamped over his mouth. Well, two — Snape still had him by the collar with one.
"Don't shout," Bellatrix ordered. "Maybe my stupid cousin's finally getting his love life sorted... That girl's a bit of a freak, sure, but then again — who else would go for that flea-bitten idiot?"
"Animagus and Metamorphmagus — it's a rare, fascinating combination," Snape said thoughtfully.
"Definitely worth studying," Harry chimed in, remembering Luna's words. "Crossbreeding and all that..."
They gave him a carnivorous look.
"May I take Harry?" Luna asked, walking up behind them. "He promised to show me something."
"Take him, Miss Lovegood. We won't miss that kind of trash," Snape said disdainfully, letting go of the boy.
"My savior," Harry whispered, pulling her away. "They're outrageous. Not even the slightest bit sorry for me!"
"They were joking," she informed him.
"Yeah, like I didn't get that..." Harry smirked. "Shall we go for a walk? Maybe admire the... moon?"
"You're so poetic today, Harry," she said. "Let's go."