1214-05-18 A
Lillian:
Days seem to pass quickly now that we have a date for the emperor's attack. Adrian's men are finally getting the sleep they need, though some still keep watch over the city in case it's all a trick.
I wonder why the emperor would announce it. What does he gain? Adrian is set on killing him, so maybe it will end in a final standoff. Just seven more days.
Just one week and this may all be over.
We might all be free.
I lie in bed thinking about him. I can't stop. I shouldn't. I think about his blonde hair, like mine, and those golden eyes that flicker in the daylight.
I often go visit him, just so he knows I'm coming. Part of me thinks he enjoys my visits. The other part knows he doesn't care.
I lie still, head spinning with thoughts of him. He controls my mind like a curse. A love.
I think about his heartbeat. About his eyes. About the way he smells like rosewood. The way he treats me. Not just me. Everyone from kima.
I shouldn't feel this way. I should ..
I shake my head, trying to force the thoughts away.
It's useless.
Itsu always seems to notice.
"Liliko."
"It's Lilian now," I say, my voice steady.
Itsu narrows her eyes. "You're being ridiculous."
I cross my arms. "Am I? Or am I finally choosing who I want to be?"
"You'll always be a citizen of Wara. You can't run from that. Changing your name doesn't change what you are."
I shake my head. "We're not talking about what I am. We're talking about what I'm going to do. We're this close. I could kill him now. One move, one breath, and it's over."
"Then why procrastinate," she asks.
"I …"
I laugh, sharp and bitter.
"We need the money. WE will get paid. That's what this is, right? That's what WE always cared about. Gold. Power. When we were freezing in those holes, who held you? Who was there when no one else came? ME. Not him."
"He doesn't care about you," Itsu continues. "He never did. You need to let this go."
"I will," I say, quieter now.
"That's not enough," he snaps. "We have seven days. SEVEN. Act like it means something to you."
It does. Of course it does. But I can't say it. Not now. Not like this.
I stand. I brush dust from my cloak. "I need time alone."
"You're running," she says.
"Then don't follow."
I turn and walk away. I left her standing there.
I walk toward the guards. Each step slow, my mind is still racing. I could tell them. I could say Itsu wants Adrian dead, that she is planning something. The words rest on the edge of my lips. A secret begging to be freed.
But I say nothing.
The moon begins to peek over the horizon, soft and silver, casting a pale glow across the camp.
"Hey, Rowans," I say as I approach.
He looks up and smiles, casual as always. "Hey. You're out late."
"Yeah, I apologize."
"I've seen you a lot," I say. "But never at this time."
"He invited me."
Rowans gives a quiet nod and steps aside. No questions. The guards part and I move forward, silence trailing behind like a shadow.
Inside, the room is still.
Adrian sleeps soundly. His breathing is calm and even. His eyes remain shut. His lashes casting faint shadows against his skin. Moonlight streams in through the open window, highlighting strands of his blond hair with a pale, silvery glow. He looks different like this.
Peaceful, almost fragile.
I stop beside his bed.
There is no armor beside him. No sword. No barrier between us.
I climb over him. My knees resting on either side of his body. He doesn't wake. My hands tremble as I reach beneath my cloak. I pulled free the pendant shaped like a butterfly. The hidden blade rests beneath its wings, pressed into my palm.
The cool edge touches his chest, right where his heartbeat lies.
Just one motion. That's all it would take.
He's had every chance to harm me. He could have walked away, left me to break apart. But he didn't. He offered me safety when I had none. A name when I had lost mine. A future when I thought there wasn't one.
So why am I still holding the knife?
I can feel it now. All of it. The weight of my grief, the ache of betrayal, the confusion of not knowing what I truly want. Is this revenge? Or something else entirely?
My hand starts to shake.
His eyes open.
Golden. Calm.
He sees the blade.
He sees me.
"Do what you wish," he says. He's already made peace with what comes next.
I freeze.
I can't breathe.
I look into his eyes and slowly, gently.
I place the knife on his chest.
But it doesn't stay cold.
A soft white rises from the blade. It wraps around it like fog. The blade shimmers and transforms into a white dagger. Unlike anything I have ever seen.
My breath catches as the light moves up my arm. Soft and gentle. I feel something shift inside me.
Something deeper.
Something sacred.
Maybe my soul is calling to the blade. Or maybe it's the blade calling to me.
The room gets darker. The glow grows brighter. Shadows move along the walls like pieces of old memories.
Adrian looks at me. There's no fear in his eyes.
Just calm.
Like he's seen this before.
Like he already knows what's happening.
His face changes. There's no shock. No anger. Just peace.
Like this moment was always going to happen.
My heart beats fast. The magic wraps around me like a cold fabric, but I hold it back.
Not now.
Not like this.
I slowly lower the knife.
I lift my hand and cover his eyes with my palm. I shield him from me, from what I almost did.
Then I lean in.
My lips brush against his. Soft. Gentle. Hesitant at first, like a question I'm afraid to ask.
Adrian's golden eyes widened.
But then I sink into it.
His lips are warm and still, as if holding back the world. The kiss is quiet, like the moment between heartbeats. There is no urgency, no fire. Just the ache of something real, something honest.
Adrian's golden eyes widened from shock.
I kiss him like he is a secret I don't want to lose.
And for a breath, for a single stolen moment, I forget everything else.
And then … we did.