The bright sun seemed almost laughing at me.
Even with Andrew's death, the world kept on moving. As if it didn't care about him.
A weird sense of Deja Vu sprouts in my head, a memory of a night at the bar assaults me.
'Sometimes, I stare at the horizon thinking 'What about me?' And the universe answers, 'What about you?' He said, eyes half opened and looking down, tragedy was embedded in his voice.
That night, he had agreed to go drinking after our work was done, a rare occurrence.
His words made me feel weight in a part of my mind I didn't use much, maybe because the content was something we've all thought about at one point, maybe because no one had ever thought about it before, maybe because I had never seen the creepy guy so expressive.
Who knows, a half-drunk woman in her twenties wasn't about to think about it too much.
I don't remember what I answered, something related to my past, about my privileged upbringing and my reasons to become a town protector.
Looking back, that wasn't the correct answer.
At one point, a drop of water hit me in the face and took me out of the mirage.
While I was reminiscing, the sun was covered by dense clouds. I went to my house, my legs feeling weightless, and soon enough, the whole world was cursed with a heavy downpour.
My house, recently livened up with the temporary arrival of Terra, Eleanor, and Arian, felt different today.
No, it wasn't the house, it was me.
I was doing the motions, fulfilling my tasks, performing my duties, but it all felt void.
Like every attachment I had made in the world had vanished overnight.
But they're still there, I just can't feel them.
Just because I know the details, doesn't mean I'll suddenly stop being this... lethargic, or listless... aren't those just synonyms?
"Fuahhhh..." That was a "Fuck", or at least it should've been.
I threw myself onto the bed, my curse muffled by the soft embrace of my pillow.
My bed was in the same way it was this morning, with the cat blanket at its side. The bedspread was wrinkled but not detached from the edges.
Both had special designs in them, actually, everything in my room was personal, in the sense that it clearly displayed who I am- My personality.
'Personality.' The word repeated in my mind. What about his personality?
Suddenly, I raised my body from the mattress.
What did I actually know about his personality?
What things did he like? How did he act outside of work? Who knew him personally? Personal thoughts? Goals in life?
"Ugh... Uagh..." The tears are starting to come out.
I threw myself onto the pillow, tried not to cry, and cried a lot.
.....
A thundering sound woke me up.
The downpour had lessened; it was still raining, but way less fiercely than before.
I looked at my phone, the radiance was blinding, both the actual glow from the screen and the wallpaper that contrasted so drastically with my mood.
I tried to ignore the feeling and looked at the hour.
'5 pm' Almost time for his funeral.
It was so sudden, at one moment I was calmly tending to some crops, the next I was hearing that he died, and just after that, there was his funeral.
How did he die? Did someone kill him?
If that's the case, I'll have to kill them too.
Eye for an eye bitch.
With a little newfound strength, I brought myself up from the bed and prepared myself for the funeral.
Nothing much, my arms lacked strength when I tried to put on the basic makeup.
What melancholic thoughts.
I found Terra downstairs, already prepared for the funeral. She was coming with me; she had heard the news too, but she wasn't close enough to Andrew.
'Were you?' A little voice whispered to me.
We both walked to the venue, she was carrying the umbrella while I only focused on my steps.
Soon enough, we reached... the place.
✺✺✺
Ok, maybe I was overhyping it too much.
The battered, broken, busted, collapsed, cracked, crushed, injured body of Plantera lay at my feet.
While one might question if so many adjectives were needed, it's appearance certainly doesn't leave room for doubt.
Plantera's body was destroyed beyond recognition, its vines laid to the sides, its stems torn like paper under strain, its plant-tongue out of its mouth and hanging to its side.
Overall, it seemed worse than a plucked rose.
You can't really blame me for expecting too much of her, I just did a training montage on basically everything I could.
Magic, body, martial arts, freezing things, shooting things... Damn, I even had a character arc of starting to help other people outside the ones I know.
C'mon... Will I have to kill the Moon Lord for a challenge?
I guess it wouldn't be surprising... My assimilations are way stronger than I thought. Ragna can move at light speed, Dante can manipulate gravity at a decent level, and I don't need to talk about the planet-buster 2-year-old I'm assimilating.
Well, I guess I wouldn't mind having a slice of life for a while. I just have to make sure that my confidence doesn't become arrogance, and I lose horribly to the Moon Lord.
.....
The skies darkened quickly.
For some reason, the bright sun that had already hidden in the clouds seemed off today. It was stronger today, like it was mourning something, or better yet, angry. And so was everyone, if I judged by the somber mood.
It didn't take me too long to find the reason why.
A lot of people were gathered around a certain place.
I asked around.
It was Andrew's funeral.
Everything stopped moving.
But before I could get any thoughts about it, the world immediately started moving again.
This isn't an anime; the world doesn't magically stop when I need to introspect.
So I had to do it while I watched his ashes get carried by the wind.
The one doing the process was Calista.
While not very well known, she was akin to a legendary figure, which makes sense since she's akin to a priest in this world with actual forces of nature and stuff. People looked at her with awe and respect past their tears.
She glanced at me for a moment, and we had a conversation in that split second.
Calista doesn't blame me, she doesn't blame, and... there was something more in her gaze.
'I understand the pain of losing a friend?'
He wasn't my friend? Like, how did she get that?
Wait...
What kind of face am I making?
Amidst my thoughts, I encountered a figure I didn't know how to face.
Eve.(And Terra, I guess.)
Fuck.
.....
The rain had stopped.
It has been hours since the funeral, but Eve still refuses to come out of her room.
Terra is sitting outside her room, back against the door.
Eleanor wasn't here, thankfully, I wouldn't have known what to say. Or worse, how to defend myself.
It's my fault that she's locked in her room.
My fault, by default.
Of course, the situation was specific, and what I said couldn't be classified as a mistake. But the fact that I was the one who said it remains.
That said, I can't help but feel it wasn't my fault. I'm only saying it because thinking that it isn't would be denying any responsibility.
Maybe the correct way of saying it would be ¨While it isn't my fault, I provoked it and I have to take at least some degree of responsibility.¨
The point is that I have to do something.
I make my way up the stairs.
Terra, standing in front of the door, glances at me and is going to say something before I open the door to Eve's room.
"Terra, we're running out of food here. Go buy some." I ¨Ask¨ Terra.
"Umm... Ok." She trusts me enough to leave Terra to me, she's also the one who knew Andrew the least, and she's not specialized on lying.
That's right, I'm going to lie.
Lie and gaslight until it's done.
At least until she feels better.
I enter the room, it's all very... how do I put this? Very her.
The shelves, the desk, the bed, the plushies, it's all something Eve would have.
She finally acknowledges my presence by raising herself from her pillow.
Covered by her blanket, only the head sticks out, and even that is hidden with the blanket forming some sort of hood.
I couldn't describe her further; her eyes grabbed my attention.
Something undescri... no, I knew clearly what was reflected in those eyes.
Tragedy.
The same tragedy that permeated my mother's eyes in one of my earliest memories.
"Hey..." She spoke with her voice that felt like a needle entering my ear.
"Guilty..." Her mouth kept on moving, but the sound wasn't entering my ears.
The events from the earlier assault me in less than a moment.
✺✺✺
Arian was here.
It wouldn't be out of place, even if he didn't know Andrew too much, he can come for politeness's sake, like Terra at my side.
But...
"You..." My mouth spoke, but I didn't feel the words leaving my mouth.
Why...
"Your face..." The air moved faster around me.
Why...
"What's that face you're making...?"
...
"That face... face full of guilt?"
Guilty?
What did he do?
Why is he guilty?
What did he do?
What does guilt mean?
What did he do?
He feels responsible.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing. I just... I talked with him before he died."
He did?
"You did?"
"Yeah..." It looked like he struggled to say the correct words
"He... said that he wanted... First, uh, what are all these people doing here?"
"Andrew helped them."
"...What?" The words that came out of Arian's mouth were laced with a special type of despair I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"In some way or another, Andrew had a hand in helping them."
"..."
"Not only by saving their lives from monsters, some got jobs, some got out of bad relationships, some had a profound realization about their life..." I continued, looking him straight in the eye.
"..." His mouth opened and contorted into a half-laugh, and he looked down, almost as if he was looking into hell itself.
"Some others... some others grew wings." I can't help but mention myself too.
"...Hah."
"...?"
"Hah...haha." He looked to the skies, almost tired.
"..."
"Haha." Little giggles escaped him.
I would have lashed out at him if it wasn't for the clear helplessness in his eyes, not only in his eyes, but in his whole body language.
"So... So much for being a waterdrop." He said, looking at me with his expression twisting itself into a painful one.
"What are you saying?" I can't follow.
"He..." He swallows for a moment. "He was satisfied with his death."
"..."
...
...
...
"What."
"To quote him: The lesson that I learned... Is that I'm fine with that, I'm fine with not being special, not everything and everybody has to be special. Sometimes it's fine to be another cog in the system, another drop of water in the rain, another person forgotten by history. Sometimes it's fine to feel accomplished by the simple things. And I feel accomplished because of the life I've had."
Slowly, the words settled in my brain. And it began to think without me intending to do so.
"But... seeing all of the people here made me realize he was wrong."
Yeah...
"Maybe he was trying to detach himself. When I talked to him, he clearly had an existential crisis about his place in the world."
Yeah...
"I only talked with him twice, but there wasn't anything to say about him. There wasn't a personality in his eyes, only the necessary thoughts to fulfill his purpose."
That makes sense...
"So, what I think was that he had identity problems."
Yea-...What?
"He saw everyone around him having an identity, even in the smallest way, and he thought it was impossible for him."
No.
"The people who got their lives saved by him, the people who got jobs, the people who had a situation ship, even those who just changed the way they thought about life. They all were allowed an identity in his eyes. Not him."
Wait.
"At every point in his realization, he had the chance to make a decision, to think in another way, but at every point his thought went in the wrong direction."
"Wait."
"So at the end, he thought he was fine without affecting anyone's life, but in his fight with himself, he never looked around the lives he affected."
"But doesn't that-"
"He died thinking of himself as nothing, not knowing just how many people would have missed him."
Something changed in the air at the moment, no one else was hearing us but it felt as if the whole world had gone silent.
"Maybe I could've done something..." He said mindlessly.
"I'm not blaming myself, but maybe if I had gone around, asking about Andrew, maybe I could've told him something different, maybe if I had seen past his mask, I could've helped him." Arian blames himself, even though he didn't know him, he blames himself.
'What about you?' The devil whispers to me.
"I..."
.....
"Y'know, earlier in the day, a memory came to mind." In my room, I rise from the bed and look at him.
Something shifts in his expression, as if brought out of a trance.
Not caring, I continue.
"One day at a bar, he asked me what the universe had planned for him... I couldn't exactly remember what I told him, but I had a feeling that wasn't the right answer."
His face showed a different emotion now, as if he had lost the resolve to do something.
"Now I know; It wasn't the right answer. Because he was searching for his identity, and when he asked me about it, I told him about my identity." My rant keeps on.
"He stripped himself bare, showing me one of his biggest insecurities in life, and I just dismissed it while flaunting my identity. Something that I took for granted." The words just kept coming out of my mouth, said mouth ignored every hint to stop talking, including the tears that came out of my eyes and entered it.
'Salty.' A random thought enters my mind.
It feels weird to think... Like I can't have sad thoughts because they exit my mouth before I can even comprehend them. Everything that remains in my head are the meaningless thoughts that don't change anything.
"Why... Why didn't I get to know him better?" I fall to my pillow and turn my head again.
"..."
"Just a little question, a little bit more of knowledge, a little more time spent with him... maybe I could've saved him..."
"..."
"Even if his death was something he had already dealt with... maybe I could've changed his mind. We could've fought, we could've run away.... Is this selfish for me to think of? Knowing him, his death would've helped a lot of people."
"..."
"God... why..." Suddenly, with strength that I didn't know I had, I raised myself from my bed.
"He was a nice man... One of the kindest that I ever met..." I stand in my bed looking at him, my feet sink into the mattress and I feel like I could fall at any moment.
"Why did he have to die like that? *Sniff* ...thinking that he was unloved..." I fall to my butt, leaving my feet outside the bed in the floor.
"I don't know." Arian finally answers, he takes a deep breath after answering, as if preparing himself for what's going to come.
"..." I only stare at him, ready to fuck up anything he has to say to make me feel better.
I want to stay sad, I deserve to stay sad, even if dumb, because it's not my fault, I don't want to be happy now.
"I... don't know a lot of things... that's why I always try to detach myself from anything... I detach and detach, but if I find something I want to grab onto with all my strength, then I keep it close to me and hold it dearly."
"..." What?
"When I was a little child, I realized that I didn't like not knowing the feelings of people around me. When I grew up, I realized that I didn't like knowing the feelings of people around me either. In general, I realized I didn't like anyone around me; in other words, I didn't really like my family."
"..." I feel like this is to make a point.
"I began to distance myself from them. After that, one of my sisters killed herself."
"...Sorry?" A faint whisper comes out of my mouth, more of a question since I don't know where he is aiming with this.
"Don't worry about it." He dismissed it with the ease of someone who had dealt with that problem.
"She was one of the few people I truly cared for, she introduced me to book reading, to poetry, to dancing... I really loved her."
"..." Is he trying to say that he understands my pain...? I don't follow.
"So, I couldn't let go of her. It was a surreal experience, I always detached myself, but something was going away by itself, my young, selfish mind di-couldn't let it go."
"And so, she began to haunt me." Without giving me time to think about his words, he continues. "She began appearing a few days after her funeral, in the mirror, in my classes, in my games... When I reread her favorite book, she started talking to me."
"I loved it. Something had changed in me the day she died. With her around, I felt that everything was back in place, that nothing had ever changed. And I told her that, against my instinct and my better judgement, I told her that I loved when she haunted me."
"I couldn't lie to her, she didn't ask me anything, but I just had to say it... She smiled before disappearing. And never coming back again."
"With her gone, my life became black and white all around..."
"... I thought that it would pass, but it didn't for various years... How sad were those years, having the desire and urgency to live but lacking the ability..."
"With time, those desires and necessities began to form part of me, something had changed in me, and I began to grow around it. I was ¨Healing¨ for lack of a better word." He said, healing with a little laugh in his voice, and for some reason, I began to pay attention to him, as if I could relate to such an experience.
"At first, I thought that would be good. I would leave all the pain behind and become another person. But then, I did exactly that, leaving the pain behind. And I hated it."
"...Shouldn't it be the opposite?" He has a way with words that makes me interested in the point he's making, even taking me out of my misery for a moment.
"I thought so too... But I realized, I didn't want to forget that, forget that pain and anguish she had made me feel... That if I did, everything that I felt for her would be gone, and just like that, she would pass to be another one of my detached memories, another page in the book I was writing, not too different from another face in the crowd that I would never think of again."
"But that didn't happen, because I forced myself not to forget, to make those feelings a part of me. That moment, I understood when people say ¨You never leave the pain, you just learn how to live with it.¨"
"..." Is he...?
"And I realized, my sister had never left me, she was haunting me in another way..." He sounded satisfied in the moment, as if even after those years had passed, those feelings were still implanted to fire in him.
"What I'm trying to say it's that Andrew will haunt me-- Will haunt *s. Don't feel sad, for he will be right here with us, right here with everyone." Oh... Oh... I get it.
I get it now... but why?
"Why... why?" My tears began to flow again, falling into my lap.
"I don't know... But I want to, and I won't stop living before finally understanding that. I want to know more of him, even if he's not here now."
"..."
No more words could be said, I didn't have anything to refute.
He only looked at me while tenderly holding my hand until I fell asleep again.
.....
That night, I had a dream.
People were at my side, friends, family, even the people I was mildly acquainted with; they all had come to my side.
The one missing was Andrew, but I didn't felt... sad, if anything, I was rather happy with how things were going.
It was a sunny day, my feet touched the sand and the smell of the sea gave a calming allure to this place.
I fell to the sand and watched the clouds move. It was a peaceful moment.
Unlike what I expected, Andrew didn't suddenly appear and interrupt this peaceful moment to haunt me.
So, I just pretended that he did. I started talking to myself.
Silly things, really. Nothing of actual substance, I'm just saying what I could've said at a casual moment outside of our responsibilities, buying food, going to the beach, playing a game.
At some point it began to feel norrmal, but it also felt odd, as if I was talking with someone who shouldn't be here, and really, I am talking with someone who I shouldn't be talking.
"Yeah. I think I'm done here." Suddenly, I stand up and dust the sand off myself.
I swear to god I felt the confusion in the air, if Andrew was here I would see him very puzzled. Well, he has always been very collected with his emotions, at most I would see him with the mouth slightly open and without blinking for a moment.
"You know, all of what Arian said was nice... cool, even. But it isn't for me, if it works for him, great, let him be haunted for all eternity or more."
"It's just not for me... I'm trying, I'm trying to see past it, to just accept that you'll be here by my side, all the time... But no, it's not what I want."
"I'm not Arian, I don't know how to explain it in great detail. I don't know why I don't like it. I don't know why it doesn't work. The only thing I know for sure is that I don't want you to haunt me. Please lie down and rest."
"It's enough. I'll figure what else to do by myself, everything else will follow smoothly, so it's fine." I said.
For some reason, that didn't feel like it dismissed him.
"I... uh, don't have more words, wow, I'm bad at this... Huh, it seemed easy when I helped Terra. Uh, just go away, man, I'll get over this."
Somehow, even though no one else was around now, I heard a little curse and a laugh, just the kind that Andrew would say.
✺✺✺
'Welp, now what?'
Once I felt Eve fall asleep, I took the leisure of falling asleep too, now I kinda regret it.
Not falling asleep, but talking so much before. How did that even work? Am I that good at understanding people? I went in with the full intention of lying to her, all to have a look at her eyes and back off. Sheesh.
Too much happened that moment, I overspoke about myself, and my aura is gone.
Well, that joke aside, the words just came out of my mouth naturally, like it was what I needed for the best outcome. Everything somehow turned out good, but man, I did not expect to actually be Naruto...
It's fine, Eve is my friend, and I've never told anyone about my sister, it could be a nice experiment... yes, yes.
It's fine.
.....
"So if it's really fine, why do you want to talk to me?" Calista, the tea addict, sipped on her tea and looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
Man, the British must have won a lot of wars. Wait, no, let's not focus on that.
Currently, we were in the field behind her house, sitting on a picnic table and with some animals around us, once again, treating us like Disney princesses.
Wait, I'm a demi-god, does this have to do with the problem? Am I a Disney Demi-god?
"Well, uh... I don't really know." I answer.
"Do you not?"
"Ugh, it's just..." Ok, it's fine, just let the words flow out... "I just had to make sure, you know?"
"Hmm... I have an idea, let me ask you some questions. Just answer with the first thing that comes to mind." Wow, should I even have bothered to come?
"Alright, I'm already regretting it; shoot."
"You've come to this world to help it, why?" She starts with a simple question, probably to lower my guard before the true questions.
"Killing monsters makes me stronger. It helped the world, too."
"You've saved Terra from the dungeon, why?"
"She was a hostage kept by the cultists."
"You've told me you started helping out others in your free time, that Eve introduced you to a bigger community. Why did you help them?"
"Because Eve introduced me to them and I didn't have anything else to do."
"But you kept on helping them, even when you were occupied training and going back and forth to the jungle, you kept on going a lot."
"I've already started it, I didn't want to quit while I was doing it."
Hm? There's something that my answers have in common...
"Then, why did you console Eve when she cried?"
"Because she was sad? I mean, she let's me stay in her house, the least I could do is get her to good spirits."
"Hmm... Is that it?"
"Yeah? I guess it is."
"Last question: Imagine you are walking down the street, you see a kid crying, you don't know why he is crying, you help him. Why?"
"Huh..." I... don't know? Why is this a question?
"I don't know? Maybe he still pitied me?"
"Aham..." She stares at me, like I just said everything she needs to know.
"Well, I think I know... why you're feeling nervous, it's a simple issue." What is she even talking about?
"I think you're trying too hard to justify your actions to yourself."
That... seems... reasonable?
"Don't bother answering, I know that look on your face, you have questions, let me answer them quickly. First." She interrupted me when I was going to talk and raised her index finger that wasn't holding the cup.
"First, all of your answers were pretty solid, as in, you didn't doubt them, all but the last. Where the most immediate answer most people say is ¨Why should I need a reason to help a child?¨ or some variation of that." Uhuh?
"Second, all of your answers are about tangible reasons, not moral reasons. You didn't say ¨I did it because I want to, because it is the right thing, etc, etc.¨ You said all very logical reasons. As if you tried convincing yourself that was the right answer." Makes sense...
"Third. The third is more of a feeling, but I think you like helping people." Huh.
?
???
What?
"Okay, okay, stop." I interrupt her analysis.
"What?"
"I think you were making good points... and now that I think about it, I do kinda try to justify myself a lot. But that last part? I like helping people. Not at all." I tell her.
"I hate to say it, because it makes me sound like an edgy teenager full of teenage angst. But you couldn't pay me to care less about people. Like, I really don't care that much."
"Oh yeah? Why?" Calista inquires.
Why? What kind of question is that?
"I just don't? It's not so uncommon, most people see someone dying in front of them and continue doing what they've been doing, or think for a moment before helping them with the same emotion they have while doing the dishes."
"You're describing a psychopath."
"No, I'm not. I've never talked to a psychopath."
"You are describing one. Depending on the type of psychopath, one would see someone dying, and they would contemplate whether they should help the injured with three questions. Wouldn't helping this person benefit me? Would letting him die put forward my goals? Would helping him come back to bite me in the future? A simple yes, yes, no, would be enough for the psycho to let him die."
How are the first and second questions different?
"Okay... why is that related to what I said?"
"Because the medically accurate psychopath would ask and answer those questions without feeling anything. To them, it's not a matter of right or wrong, it's a matter of is and isn't."
"Alright, are you calling me a psycho? Is this your intervention ?"
"The opposite, you're not a psycho, you're someone who would help without a good reason, apart from ¨I just wanted to help.¨" Calista answers.
"Okay, let's leave aside the truthfulness of that statement. How does that relate to my liking to help people? Aren't those completely separate things?" I tell her, trying to get across my point.
"Not at all, you like doing something, so you do it without any other reason." She simply says, as if it was that easy.
Maybe it is.
"Ok, ok, ok... Let... let me just think this for a bit." I bring my fingertips to my nose bridge.
"Why is it a concept so foreign to you? Why can't you just accept that you like helping people without taking anything in return?" Calista, my oh so great therapist, asks.
"Why would I? Most of the things I do are with a clear purpose, with a clear thing to be gained and with a clear end to the endeavor." I said the most important parts with a clear intonation.
"And it's that good?"
"Yea-uh."
"If it's that good, then is the opposite really bad?"
Okay, I have to think now.
"...I've never really seen it like that... mostly because most of the people I associated myself with weren't really people deserving of help. WOW, did I really say that?" The words escaped from my mouth, as if I were saying my thoughts directly.
"I guess? What type of people are you talking about?" She inquires, half curious and half concerned.
"I suppose that I'm referring to the lowlifes that I had around me. I did a lot of odd jobs since I was... 13? My mother never cared when I got home, so I had a lot of free time to deliver packets."
"Uh-huh..."
"I never really saw the inside, and always put on those medical gloves stores sell, so I felt less disgusted."
"And why did you deliver the packages?" Calista asks, voice completely devoid of emotion, in the good sense, she didn't judge me at all.
I know what she's doing; suddenly, I'm in an actual therapy session, but I don't really care. It's not like I could get one in another place. Where am I going to go? To an actual therapist?
"It was easy money. Most of the deliveries were done in the late night anyway, the only people you encounter are students getting out of late parties or late night work/study sessions."
"Why did you want money so much? You start in that type of business for no reason. At least that's not how my understanding of you is."
Okay, I do not remember showing that much of my personality to her. Is she that observant?
"I wanted to get out of my house. Like, never coming back type of getting out." I said.
Immediately after, sustained my answer.
"I know, you have questions. First, yeah, uh, my mother switched between abusive and lovely with the same ease as my father left us to never come back again. Second, all of my brothers and sisters sucked, like, really sucked. The only good ones were the oldest, who no one ever saw after he turned 18, and the one directly older than me, but she died."
"So I didn't have any real connections to my family, I didn't want to ever hear about them until the day they died and left me some money or a house. Although they most likely would just spend it all before they died or leave it to a friend or do literally anything else with their belongings just to stop them from going to a family member."
"Didn't you have any other family members?" Calista asked, not at all fazed by my rant. I say rant because I'm unsure of my tone of voice at the moment. I could be screaming, talking normally... this isn't a normal situation for me.
That's a lie, actually.
I'm calm, just looking at the sky while I talk.
"Nah. My mother came from a different country than the one her family lived in. And she hated them, both her family and her country." Her hate ran so deep that nothing even remotely Russian was permitted in the house. It was a real bother to read Russian books.
Actually, I can imagine why my father wanted her.
Strict family that she hates(Probably), love(Obsession) for a different culture, beautiful and sexy woman, another country from the others, strong and decisive... Yeah, it screams ¨Pampered hidden princess¨ type.
I can almost picture him the moment he met my mother.
His face, albeit a younger one, still with that serene look of superiority. His mouth curving into a slight smile of someone with an objective, a desire. His eyes, opened just enough to let you know he was not looking at you, he was staring, evaluating.
And finally, his voice, he opens his mouth, and his deep, manly, and commanding voice says: "Exotic." A calm voice that doesn't let any of his feelings beyond his desire of possessing to possess the open air. Only for him to know what his plans were.
But this monologue reminds me of the most important characteristic of my father.
His presence.
That presence, that comman- demanded respect the moment he stepped into the room, always imposing you whenever he was in the same place as you, suffocating you until he got what he wanted. Never angry, never sad, never frustrated, a calm, cold dismissal of everything he believed useless or nonimportant.
And you'd think that was the worst you've seen of him, but then you become someone important, you become someone who matters to him. Like my mother.
And you realize, that wasn't him being disdainful, to him, that was kindness, treating you like that, like a dog or a cat, that was kindness to him.
But how could one treat someone he cares about like a pet? Not even him. He, in fact, treated everyone he cared about like a god or a goddess, but man, didn't he have a lot of goddesses...
"Arian?" Calista's voice snapped me out of my trance, making me release a breath I didn't know I was holding. I suppressed the memories of the little interactions I had with my father and held them back with all my willpower.
"Yeah?" I said, a quick blink of my eyes, the only evidence of my distraction. "Where were we?"
"You were talking about your family." She answers, maybe oblivious, maybe uncaring of my slight delay.
"Yeah... But we were going off topic." I throw this theme under the rug; nothing good will come out of thinking about people who aren't here.
"You're right, we should go back. So, you like helping people."
"*Hahh*. Clearly, nothing I say is going to get through to you, so how can I make you see my point?"
A smile appeared on her face, as if I had fallen into her trap, and while I can't deny it, at least I can console myself by saying that I decided to fall by my own choice.
...
...
...
"So that happened." I say what happened with Calista, obviously a cutout version since it's a bit too personal for me to share.
Calista is like 500 years old, so she knows not to talk.
"Okay, I guess. That doesn't explain anything else, though." Terra said to my side, while we walked through the street. Eleanor was sitting on my shoulders because she's small.
"Are you doing this to take me out of my bed?" Eve asked.
"..." Thank you for the extra comments, Eleanor.
"Let me ask you all a question..." I say, not stopping but advancing more slowly.
I wait for a moment so they both focus on me. With my hand raised and balled into a fist, I look to the distance as if I were talking about a greater good.
"Who takes the time these days to climb a tree in bare feet to rescue a child's toy? To stop and observe the birds? To play in the puddles after a storm? To go down to the sea to put a shell back?" I say full of righteousness. Unknown to them, I was quoting the description of an old manga.
""...?"" Their faces told me everything I needed to know
"Exactly, no one does. No one stops and helps in small ways. We can just go and do that." I say with full confidence.
"Didn't you both help in the soup kitchen? Why don't we just go there?" Terra asks a completely understandable question.
"That's the reason we can't go. It's something we have already done too much. Falling into a routine isn't good for Eve." I answered and began to move again.
To be honest, I am getting something out of this.
'You can prove it. Go help people. Not in the ways you've already helped, but in new, diverse ways. Let's see what you feel then.'
Calista says that I like helping people; I say that I, at most, enjoy the spark that blooms because of it. False altruism, then, I help people because of what I get from it, whether it is benefits or a feeling of satisfaction.
I will prove it, you will see.
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A/N: So, I know I've cooked with this chapter.
So, Eve's guilt at the start of the episode, she fully knows that it isn't her fault.
But she can barely function; you can't ask her to calm herself. She's also looking at everything with a black-tinted sight, even the bright, angry sun seemed as if it was making fun of her.
Eve's descriptions are explicitly vague because you should have an idea of her character, of course, just an idea.
Then the funeral happens, and she can't help but feel that if she hadn't said anything, maybe things would be different.
Not ¨If I had done something different¨ but ¨If I hadn't done anything¨. Of course, she doesn't know that things would have turned out the same with or without her interference.
To be more specific, the events would've been the same, but Andrew could have died with another perspective on life.
Eve's descriptions are explicitly vague because you should have an idea of her character, of course, just an idea.
During MC's talk with Calista. Half of me was saying ¨You're going too fast with character development¨ other was, ¨Diverse experiences build character. This is a unique experience for the MC.¨ and the third one was saying ¨He inherited maturity from the assimilations, it's justified.¨
So, I went ahead.
All of his opinions, thoughts, and actions are towards the character development I have in mind. Actually, when I made the gacha list, I made it with the thought of the MC in the middle of the story, when he has a clear goal and reasons to achieve it.
TBH, though, a lot of MC's opinions come from different persons. I asked 4 friends for their opinion in certain topics. A Nerd, A friendly guy, A party guy, and a introverted one. Of course, some of my words are inserted into him, the same way some of my thoughts are.
Obviously, I'm not taking their words directly; most of them are filtered to see if the MC actually thinks that. It wouldn't fit to add ¨Everything is love, except a human.¨ to his monologue. (This is from Introverted guy. He's religious.)
Btw, while doing this chapter, I had my Spotify likes on random.
So the songs varied from things that you would hear at an anime movie and things that you would hear at an anime movie. Take that how you prefer.
Well, at some point I just started putting Radiohead music on repeat (You know what song), and it kinda worked for the ambient.
Another thing, this chapter is full of characters because I don't like when the character motifs are separated by chapters in such a way that you forget the facts and it ends up being really annoying when this character does something. I don't remember any examples, but you can relate.
Lastly, I've begun to use the stars to signify a change of the POV. While the dots are to represent a scene/time change in the same character's POV.