Violet arrived back at Qi Tai close to midnight. She sat by the park near Sebastian's house to catch her breath. She knew Sam and Sebastian weren't home. She didn't want to enter the quiet house just yet. She wasn't ready to face herself.
She sat in the park instead and enjoyed the wind. She could see the lightning in the sky keep flashing as she took a few shots of it. A storm was coming, but she hadn't heard the rumblings of the thunder.
An idea crossed her mind as she went live.
"Hello! Hello everyone! It's been so long since I went on live. I'm so sorry for not coming on earlier! Monday blue? Look at this picture now!"
Violet posted a picture of lightning she just shot.
"Look! It's light-light ning!" She introduced it before posting a sticker of question marks.
"Oh, please don't be afraid, everyone! Light-light ning isn't like the scary thunder. Light-light ning is very pretty. It's the thunder that loves to give you a scare. So, please make sure you don't mess up between the two." She laughed.
"Now, let's invite the ever pretty light-light ning to greet everyone!" She cheered before changing her voice to be sharper and had more static to it.
"HELLO, EVERYBODY! Zzsp zzsp eh hehe sorry the electric sounds are often that way. Ah, alright, today I'm here to tell you I'm not as scary as you have heard that we strike people with light-light ning to death while people smile."
Violet instantly changed her voice to multiple frantic different pitches, saying "Oh my gosh" to represent the panicking audience.
She then switched to her static electric voice.
"That case you heard was because he thought his friend was taking a picture of him, so he made a peace sign like this. ZZsp Zzsp…" Violet sent a peace sticker into the chat room before she laughed.
Because it was so lame that Sam couldn't control himself and sent her crows into the chat room.
"Oh mine… Zzsp zzsp… is it not funny? Why aren't you all laughing?" Violet saw and retaliated. Sam sent a sticker of a person being forced to laugh while crying.
She then switched back to her normal voice. "Errr… yes, yes it's funny." She gave a little fake giggle before breaking into whispers.
"Uish audience, you should laugh before you get struck by lightning eeeeeeeee…." She ended in a high-pitched voice before switching back into the static electric voice again.
"ZZsp Zzsp… So, please do not be afraid of me, alright!! I am the pretty light-light ning, lighting up the skies for you as smoothly as your face cream!" Violet sends a kiss emoticon in the chat room before changing back to her normal voice.
"Alright! With that, let's wrap up the show for tonight! Thank you, everybody, for listening!! Byeeeeeee!!" Before she went offline, she sent a sticker of sighing relief.
Sebastian was laughing the whole time at her witty self, but Sam sighed briefly with a serious look.
"She's good. She should audition for voice-over ads." Sebastian praised when he noticed Sam's worried look.
"What's wrong?" Sebastian quickly asked. "I don't think she's fine…" Sam looked away, forcing himself not to give Violet a call.
"How would you know? She sounded absolutely good…" Sebastian questioned.
"The more jovial she is, the more pain she is hiding. It seems lately, her podcasts are her way of releasing this pain. Today, she signed the papers legally…" Sam held his head in his hand as Sebastian wondered if he should really proceed with his plans the next day.
"Perhaps, I should postpone the plan…" Sam interrupted before he could finish.
"Don't. The longer you drag, the more danger she is in. The more hurt she becomes..." Sam reminded him. Sebastian nodded at the brutal truth as he wondered when his own divorce drama would ever end at this point.
True enough, the moment Violet signed off her podcast, she found herself tearing up involuntarily. Although her thoughts were on preparing for the tourist guide exam and decided to register for it, she knew she could no longer ignore the heavy sadness growing in her heart.
If it wasn't because of the drizzle, she wouldn't have been forced to run for shelter. As she stepped out of the lift, she didn't know which house to enter.
Her tears welled. Her mind reminded her of Janice, who was wailing in the lobby for Sebastian to save their marriage. She knew too well of that desperation now.
She thought she got over the heartbreak from her own divorce, but now that it was truly over, her heart was telling her otherwise.
She fell to the ground as she sobbed all she wanted.
Drowning herself in regrets of not bidding a proper goodbye to her mother-in-law.
Feeling all guilty for taking her inheritance and not being a good daughter-in-law.
Feeling all the injustice over all she did for her during her wake and funeral.
Blaming herself for not treating her old and frail father better, though she still held grudges over his controlling self since her mother's passing, she could understand it was his way of loving her after what he did for Dexter.
Worst of all was feeling all had gone wasted with Dexter.
The years of great memories they grew up together with.
The times she had always defended and protected him.
A whole lifetime spent loving him, only to lose it all in the end.
The misery of learning about her pregnancy at the wrong time. She blamed fate for not letting her find out about the pregnancy earlier.
She was determined that if she had known earlier, it would have saved their marriage. She was certain because she knew Dexter still loved her till the moment they signed off the papers legally. She recognised the sparks in his eyes when he stared right into her gaze.
She blamed herself for not having the courage to try to love him once more. She knew it was because she was protecting their once close bond built from friendship since young. If she ever gave him a second chance and they screw up, they would never again even stay amicably as they did now.
She didn't want to let him lose his family entirely after all that he had gone through. At the very least, now, he still had her father.
She was at least relieved for once as she calmed down a little and stared into space. She realised the pain of needing to fight to compromise was gone.
It was the end of the struggles, trying to make amends or walking on thin ice. The freedom of not holding on anymore cause it was all over.
The brutal reality was that the once-strong attachment was coming to an end. Even if there were lingering feelings, there were no chances to turn back.
Because now she had Sebastian in her life. Tears spilled even more, realising it wasn't a better option either, given his own divorce has not settled and given the fact that dating an artist was never an ideal relationship.
She knew all these from the years of Sam's experience. She had seen the consequences, yet her impulsive self had led her to today's situation with Sebastian.
Her heart longs for him. His warm hugs and comforting kisses. But she questioned how long they could last.
They were supposed to end, too. Right there in Phut B,i where Sam found them.
Phut Bi.
A place she longed to return to very much now. It was comforting back then. It was where she had gotten her lucky clover, but she didn't feel it was all that lucky. There had been turbulence nonstop since that trip.
For once, she was lost. She held to the hope of Sebastian not giving up on her, but she knew she should never put herself into such a vulnerable situation ever again.
The more she coaxed herself to stop harbouring feelings for Sebastian, the more she cried. She cursed her poor fate in love. She was angry with herself for being easily moved by love.
There's more to this than love, Vi! You wouldn't die without love! You don't need a man! She scolded herself as she sobbed, but her thoughts fought back.
But he needs you… He's not in his right mind, Vi. You know how vulnerable he was when you left him. Don't let him be another victim like Sam's artist was. Don't! Violet held her heart. It was aching from all the emotions running high in her.
She was lying on the ground when reality pulled her back. She was exhausted from all the crying, but her mind was beginning to recall the purpose of her relationship with Sebastian.
You're right. He needs me now. He's in danger. For at least three months. Or at least till he finishes his filming. I can be this selfish to enjoy his presence and ensure he walks out of this industry in one piece. Then… A long silence joined her blank mind.
Then what, Vi? She pestered herself. Her tears welled again. She already knew the answer in mind, but she refused to accept the reality.
Then, we leave. What can I do? He needs to live his life after that. He worked so hard to leave the industry. I cannot… She succumbed to another episode of breakdown.
I cannot tie him down further with my selfishness… He isn't the one, Vi. No, you don't need another guy. You don't need to destroy another guy's happiness. You have gone through it. There's more to life. Yes, there's more Vi! You can cry and deny all you want today, but you will ensure you don't make the same mistakes. You don't rewrite your past ever. Move on…
Violet tried so hard to coax herself that night, but she was only drowning further into her heartbreak.
Trying to come to terms with herself bit by bit.
Trying to learn to move on and heal.
It was the toughest, loneliest night she had ever felt, worse than recuperating from her miscarriage because she was facing the brutal, darkest fears and challenges she had avoided all this time.