It was raining at lunchtime. I didn't eat anything at all. I stayed in his room, staring at the computer. I wanted to smash it, tear it to pieces with my hands, and only my own, but I couldn't. Not only out of fear, but also because of the weight I would carry with me if I did.
I didn't read the text dedicated to me, I didn't bother closing the one I was already reading, or saving what I'd written. I shut off the computer immediately and sat in the chair, staring at the blank computer screen, as if I were indignant about something, angry at someone. Afterward, I lay on his bed.
All of that led me to this moment. I was sitting on my bed, still staring straight ahead at the computer.
After a while, I wanted to get up, I wanted to go to my room. I didn't want to stay there any longer. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else if I did.
When I tried to get up, however, my legs gave way.
"…"
I didn't bother to react, nor did I try to break my fall in any way. I didn't put my hands in front of me to catch myself; I fell face first, my face completely slamming into the ground, along with the rest of my body taking the impact.
It wasn't anything extreme, I just collapsed on the floor like an idiot, not that I was just lying there. I got up and went back to his bed. I don't know why my legs gave out in the first place.
No matter how much I thought about it, in the end, I didn't get out of bed until my father came home. In the morning and at lunchtime, I was alone. I decided to get up and leave the room to greet him. I went downstairs and saw him in the entryway, taking off his shoes.
" Hello…"
"Hello." His voice sounded heavy and tired, which was normal. I don't know what he's been doing, and I don't know if I should ask, but I want to know.
" What have you been doing?" Even though I'd asked, I knew more or less what he'd say.
"I've been getting ahead of myself at work, and I've also been on sick leave for a few days. Also… The funeral is on Wednesday. I would have done it sooner, but…" His face looked conflicted, as if hesitant to continue.
" Did something happen?"
"No, it's just that your mother wants to go to the funeral."
"…"
Even though I had already imagined it, the fact that she was saying it to me as if it were so normal somehow irritated me.
That bitch is going to the funeral? Really? She's not even worth talking about, but she's going?!
" I know she didn't behave in the best way at the time, but she's still an adult, and she's changed. She's his daughter, our daughter, and... well, I'm sure you understand what I mean."
"...And what does she gain by coming to see her? Is she even here?"
"No. When she left, she moved to an apartment in a city near here. I never told you anything because it wasn't a big deal, and I didn't think I'd see her again... Especially since she found another partner."
Silence filled the hall. I was looking to the side, my head slightly lowered. My father was looking at me, understanding how I felt. But at the same time, his face was worried and confused. I guess he didn't know what to say at that moment, neither he nor I. My mind, on the other hand...
Another couple? No, no, not that… Just… that bitch?! N-not only was it enough for her to leave us, all because of a tantrum, but on top of that…
...I can't accept it, but do I have any other choice? I want to go, and I'm not going to let someone like that stop me. It still bothers me a lot, but I'm still going to put up with it as long as it takes.
" I'll start making dinner."
Cutting short the conversation, which was running out of steam, my father took a few steps forward.
Although, before leaving, he turned his head slightly back, with that worried tone that he has tried to hide until now.
"I just want you to know that you're not alone. You can ask me for anything you need." Then he headed into the kitchen.
The whole time she was talking to me, I couldn't look at her face. I couldn't even look in her direction. I couldn't, I can't. I've let her die. How can I look at her face knowing that? It would be admitting that I didn't give a damn about what happened, it would be a lack of respect for which she'd never forgive myself.
But, at the same time I thought about that, I thought about how my father felt at that moment. What was going through his mind? I haven't seen him cry at all, and he just got home, and he won't be able to rest at all because he has to worry about me.
-You are not alone-
Why did you tell me that? You're not worried about what's happening to me now, but about what might happen to me? No, Dad, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm never going to do it. No matter how far away I get from you, I'll never do it. I promise.
I didn't go up to my room, or his, until Dad made dinner. I waited for him in the living room. During the meal, we didn't say anything; we just focused on our plates, and little else.
In my case, I didn't want to say the only thing I had to say, but I know my father had a lot of things to say to me at that moment, he just didn't know how to say them in the first place.
I finished the first one, and it wasn't a coincidence; I ate quickly so I could get up sooner. After putting the plate in the dishwasher, I spoke to my father.
"Dad."
"Yeah?"
" I'm going out now for a while."
"Don't you have class tomorrow?"
"...I'm meeting &$%"! and _¨*^?¿·."
There was a brief pause in the conversation, during which no one said anything for a moment, until my father changed the subject.
"I'm going to be free this week."
" Aren't you going to work?"
"It seems even weirder to me that you're going to school tomorrow. You don't have to go, you can rest."
"Why do you say that?" My father sighed at the question, and proceeded to put into words what he wanted to tell me.
" I know this has all been sudden and very cruel for you. It's also cruel for me, for everyone, which is why I don't want you to go. Give yourself a moment to breathe. Even if it's your duty to go to school, you're more important. Even I'm going to take some time off, so you can do the same. And also, you don't have to shut yourself down like that. I'm-"
"I'm fine," I interrupted my father. "If you tell me I can miss school, I will, but I'm going to be fine, don't worry." I knew more than anyone that this was a lie, but I don't want my father to get any worse than he already is.
" Promise me?"
"Yes." I let out a sigh and turned around. "I'm going out now."
" Don't stay up late. Take an umbrella in case it rains. They didn't say anything on TV, but it looks like it's going to rain. Let me know when you're back. If you have to wake me up to do it, do it."
I just nodded. Everything I said about going out was a lie. Well, it was true that I was going out, but I wasn't going to meet anyone.
I haven't spoken to them since I got back from the convention, and I don't think I'll see them all week unless they come see me.
They shouldn't know what happened. My father hasn't told anyone except family members or the funeral home.
What worries me is that someone might have found out about everything and start spreading the word around the neighborhood.
I went up to my room to change; I wasn't going out in my pajamas. When I was dressed, I headed to the entrance, put on my jacket and shoes, and with my cell phone and keys in my pocket, I opened the door and went outside.
"See you later."
"Don't come back late!"
He didn't do it for me, to give me space, to calm down, or for any other reason. He wanted to give space to my father.
I wanted him to let out his frustration at home, knowing that he was alone now, that for a moment he could stop being a father and just be himself.
1.
For my part, having nothing to do while I was out, I took a walk around the area, which was just the neighborhood and little else. If I wanted to go farther away, like to the city, I'd have to take the train, which I'm not going to do.
When I looked up at the sky, the moon shone dimmer than yesterday; I could only see it thanks to the streetlights. It wasn't as if there was anything interesting in the sky; it was all black, and if I was lucky, I could see a few stars.
There was no one on the streets; everything was empty. Even the main street was deserted, well, except for the usual group of drunk guys partying.
You'd think it wouldn't be a good idea to be out so late at this hour, in this kind of atmosphere, but nothing's going to happen to me here. As if anyone was going to do anything to me here. I'm surprised at how much he paid attention to reality.
At times like this, my head would be spinning, and my mind would be constantly seeing horrendous conclusions and images, but seeing the reflection of the light on the wet asphalt of the street would distract me.
Let's face it, I like this atmosphere. It's not gloomy, nor is it flashy; it's a perfect combination of different factors that create a calm and peaceful atmosphere.
Besides, it's not that cold. It's true that today is a unique day, since at this time of year, even at this hour, I should be able to go out in just a sweatshirt. I don't know if it's because it rained or because the temperature dropped today, but I had to grab my jacket.
The more I walked, the more I felt the lights illuminating my path shone less and less, and when I stopped paying attention to the ground, I realized.
I had left my headphones.
I realized it because I couldn't distract myself with the environment anymore, I couldn't avoid it anymore. And when I realized it, a smile formed slightly on my face, as I repeated to myself in my head how stupid I was.
I thought about heading to the park. Even if there wasn't anything interesting there, I could kill time walking around it, just to do something.
I felt worse and worse. I felt dizzy, with a weight I could barely lift, and I didn't know what I was doing out on the street. I wanted to scream.
I started thinking about what had happened, repeating that same word over and over in my head as if my life depended on it.
"Murderer."
As those words echoed in my mind, with that irritating voice behind them, the pressure I'd been feeling in my chest for a while began to worsen.
I held on as tightly as I could, mostly to my jacket and hoodie, but I pressed my fist into my chest, trying to ease the pain.
"No…" With a pained voice and, for the first time, sorrow, I repeated that word every time I heard it in my mind.
It wasn't about whether I had done it or not, it was about accepting that I had done it. Deep down, I knew it was all my fault, but I didn't want to accept it, I couldn't face it. That's why this anxiety attacked me.
I leaned against the wall after reaching a place where the ground was dry. I began to slide down slowly, with the little strength I had, but leaning against the wall more or less helped me calm down.
The weight was relieved considerably, the pressure eased, and the voices went from words to a faint static, for a moment, I thought everything was okay, that everything-
An ambulance with its siren on drove past on the road.
Exaltation, followed by worry and fear, filled my entire body. My body kept shuddering at the sound of the siren. I couldn't think clearly, but at the same time, I could see everything.
Again, I started to get nervous. I tried to calm myself down as best I could, crouching down again, leaning against the wall.
I pressed my right fist against my chest and tried to focus on my breathing instead of thinking. I brought my other hand up to my face, covering it completely, and rubbed my eyes.
Then, I closed them for a moment. I couldn't see anything. Little by little, all the weight, the pressure, and the fear I was carrying around vanished.
I decided to sit on the ground for a moment, leaning my back against the wall. I looked both ways down the street to see if anyone was there.
"I look stupid doing this…" Luckily, I was alone.
I curled up into a ball, hugging my legs.
I sat for a long time, my mind blank, just paying attention to my senses. I sat so long that I even noticed a drop of water fall on my head.
"Mh?" The moment I noticed it, another followed, then another fell on my shoulder, and those few drops were followed by a gentle rain. "Fuck…"
I got up as soon as it started to rain. It wasn't like I was going home just because of the rain, but I didn't want to sit through it. Besides, I had somewhere to go: the park.
Maybe I could find a place to take cover from the rain.
With all the things that usually exist in parks, there must be at least something with a roof.
The rain fell gently; not that much, but enough to leave me wet. With every step I took, I could hear the splashing of water, and how it seeped into my shoes. It was a sensation I didn't like; I'll never be able to bear being uncomfortable unless I ignore it. And that's exactly what I did, ignore it, because I'd already gotten where I wanted to go.
The park was a bit far from my house, because it was next to the residential forest. This makes good use of the surroundings, and since there are only a few houses near the forest, it allows for a good size.
Although at that time, it was a bit gloomy, especially with the dim light from the streetlights along the way.
I haven't been here in a while. When I was little, I used to play at home with her because I rarely went out, and when I did, I made her come with me. We'd just go for a walk, and we couldn't go that far alone at that age.
Our parents would go to the park with us from time to time. I always had a good time, though it was only because &$%"! was with me. She never left Mom's side; she was scared &$%"!!
I guess he brought both good and bad things to the table...
As I walked along the park paths, the rain began to ease a bit, but I still wanted to seek shelter.
I soon found a tree across from the park's playground big enough to stand under. Even so, raindrops were still falling on me, and nothing protected me from the cold except my clothes.
Is there really nothing here to protect me from the rain?! What a shitty park...
I stared at the swings while I waited for the rain to stop. I used them a lot with &$%"!, while my father watched us from beside her.
There were times when my mother had to stay home to cook, so she would stick close to Dad.
The first time she didn't come I got angry because she didn't tell me why, but she explained that my mother hadn't left because she wanted to.
I think it was that same day I flew off the swing…
I don't know if it was because I slipped or because I wasn't holding on to anything. What I do know is that I hit the floor with my face and started crying my eyes out, screaming that I was going to die. I remember that even though &$%"! was with me, she came running toward me.
If I remember correctly, I should have a part under my bangs…
I took out my phone despite the rain, and tried to find that mark on my skin.
Just as I imagined, there it was. It wasn't one of those fancy scars; it had a slightly odd shape, though it wasn't something that worried me since it was barely noticeable.
When I fell, I don't know what scared me more: my innocence in thinking I was going to die from hitting my head, or how angry my father was at my carelessness.
I guess for something so sudden, that's his only way of expressing his concern.
"..."
What's Dad doing now? I wondered.
I don't know if he'll want to vent or not. I've never seen him cry, so I have no idea. Maybe he's just very good at controlling his emotions and is very mature, more so than he already is, or maybe he just does it in private, like anyone else.
"...Achoo!" Suddenly, I sneezed.
All I need now is to get sick. I hope someone's talking about me...
At that moment, I thought I might be talking to &$%"! or _¨*^?¿·, but no, it was much better to be in the park, wasn't it?
And by the way, I haven't even spoken to them on my cell phone... Do they really know what happened? It would be strange if my father hadn't told them anything.
_¨*^?¿·'s house isn't far from here, wouldn't it be better to go there?
No, what am I saying? It's too late to go to someone's house. They're probably eating dinner or sleeping...
"Tsk…"
And what am I going to do tomorrow? Will I even be able to face them? I don't think I can say anything about this. I don't have the courage, I don't even know what to say. It's not like I've done anything wrong, or anything shameful, but still—
"What are you saying, Riku?" The voice came from the swing across the street, someone was swinging on it.
A girl. Long hair. Blue eyes. A voice that is usually soft and sweet, now sounds a little annoyed.
2.
At first I was surprised, then I looked ahead, and there she was , sitting on the swing within earshot.
As surprised as I was, it wasn't relief or sorrow that washed over me. As I clenched my fist, I felt only one thing: Frustration.
"Why are you here?" I said, with a mixture of resentment and guilt, as I stopped leaning against the tree.
"I'm just having a little fun. You being here doesn't make any sense…" He replied as he swung on the swing.
She was wearing her winter high school uniform. It was a light blue jacket, a white button-down shirt, and a black skirt that reached her knees. Even though it was September, it was still cold enough to wear it in the mornings.
I slowly approached her, while my feeling of anger gradually calmed down, but did not perish.
" Stop it…"
"What's going on? I can't be here-" I didn't let her finish the sentence.
"Stop talking like that!" I yelled, grabbing a chain from the swing, causing it to stop swinging.
"Uh-uh, did I say something wrong?" She covered her mouth with her hand. The annoyance behind her voice was replaced by a tone of shock and confusion.
"I know you're not her! You can't be her… You're just an imposter!" I grabbed her wrist as she screamed once more. The atmosphere changed completely the moment I grabbed her.
"I don't understand what you mean! And why am I an imposter?!" She looked me in the eyes as she spoke, her expression hurt, in contrast to my angry one.
Then, she lowered her head and closed her eyes. She began to speak in a low, pained tone. "Can't I talk to you or what?" While her head was lowered, water began to fall from her eyes.
I thought it was raining, but I realized that her wrist was completely dry. Her uniform was too; it was as if it weren't raining at all for her. The only liquid touching her skin was her tears.
When I realized this, all the anger and rage I had vanished, and I let her go without a second thought.
" Can't I just be myself?!" She stared at me, her face streaming with tears. "Is this why you keep ignoring me?! You're only interested in me when you want to entertain yourself, right?!"
"N-no, I-"
"You're lying!!!… I already know what you're going to say. You've been saying it all day…" She turned around, her back completely to me.
"'I care about you, I always have,' you're going to say, excusing yourself by saying that even though you didn't do anything all day, you had the intention of doing it eventually. You promised yourself all along that you would one day, but that day never came, did it?" Her voice sounded broken, and with a resentful tone.
As she spoke, she was still crying, although much less, now that she has something to say.
"That's not true! It's not…" I couldn't finish that sentence. I decided to stay silent.
" See? You know I'm right. You've left me to my fate. You've only cared about the part of me that cares about you, but where is the part of you that cares about me?"
"It's here!" I brought my palm to my chest. "I'm here, and I always have been! Besides, you say you wanted that part to help you, but you've never asked for help—"
"I shouldn't have to ask for it to help me! And if you say it's there, why haven't you shown it to me?!" She abruptly stood up from the swing and stood in front of me, staring me in the face.
" I showed it to you! I tried to help you, I-"
"No, all you did was listen to me!"
"I also tried to get close!"
"You never really tried to get close! If you had tried, you would have confronted me directly instead of responding to what I was saying!" She shouted that phrase at the top of her lungs while her head was facing the floor, even though her eyes were closed.
I was speechless again. She had an expression of guilt and surprise at the same time. I knew I couldn't justify myself, I knew I wasn't going to win this, but why was I trying to defend myself?
"I always give, but I never receive, isn't that selfish?" I didn't answer.
"Why do I have to solve everything myself?" I didn't answer.
"Why does nobody care about me ?" I didn't answer.
There was a brief silence, if only in our conversation, as the rain took up most of the atmosphere, getting heavier and heavier.
"Doesn't that seem normal to you?" she asked, her voice colder. It hurt me just to hear her voice like that.
"What do you think I'm going to do if I'm left to my own devices? What do you think I'm going to do if I'm losing strength to continue?" Her cold tone began to break into a more agitated voice.
"Who do you think you are, intruding into my room and rummaging through it?" She started to sound annoyed…
"Who do you think you are to read all that?! Do you think you have the right, Riku?! Riku is the only one who has the right to read it, but you had to be the one to get into my head!"
I didn't feel guilty at the moment, but I was still trembling. I wasn't angry, but I still clenched my fists. I wasn't nervous, but my vision was still agitated. I was afraid, afraid of hearing ^[Ç+? like that.
" And what did you get out of all that?! All you do is humiliate me! I don't find it funny in the slightest that you're reading my life like it's a fairy tale! This isn't some fan fiction you should read like a pervert! If anyone else had read it…" She collapsed to the floor and started crying again. "You don't deserve anything written here…"
What does she mean by that? I didn't know what to do, whether to run away, confront her, or stay put...
In the end, I didn't end up choosing, and by not choosing, I chose to stay still, and do nothing.
"Again? You're not going to do anything? You're not going to answer me? You're not going to do anything? Are you going to run away again? You're always running away from everything that bothers you… Please accept it already…" Her voice sounded angry as she knelt down, and her tears flowed unceasingly.
I lowered my head and stopped focusing on her. I tried to focus only on the rain, not on her crying. I wanted to ignore it, forget about it. I was so scared and felt so bad that I couldn't stand it anymore.
" I know… do you think I have no idea?"
She raised her head to look at me, but I had turned away; I couldn't confront her. I couldn't because if I saw her face any longer, I wouldn't be able to stand it.
" I know I've ignored you, that I haven't supported you. I haven't done anything because I thought it would only make things worse. What I didn't realize is that by doing nothing, I was admitting that I didn't care enough about you. Doing something without giving a shit about it, and doing nothing while caring deeply about it, are the same thing. You're both doing something against your ideals. No matter how much I care about you, if I do nothing, it's like I don't care about you, I know that."
I kept my back to her. I wouldn't be able to say all of this in front of her; if she were here, I wouldn't be able to say anything to her.
If I were here.
She stopped being on her knees and stood up, she didn't say anything, but because her intention was to listen to me.
"I know I shouldn't have stuck my nose where it doesn't belong, that's clear to me. But if 'I don't care about you,' then I shouldn't care what you think of me after reading all that. It doesn't matter what I know about you, anyway, because the more I know you, the more you'll stop being that sister."
" I was afraid of seeing you differently, of seeing you worse than before, but when I finished I realized that nothing had changed, that I still saw you the same, but…"
The rain couldn't hide the footsteps coming from behind me, but…
"But now I can only live with that on my mind. I can't stop thinking about everything you've written, and even if I know it, it's already late. Too late. I shouldn't be thinking about this now because it's a waste of time. If I hadn't been lazy before, I could say it with pride now, but I can only laugh." He was smiling. It wasn't a full smile, but its incompleteness didn't justify its presence.
" What should I do now? What should I think about? What should I focus on? What should I pursue now? I have no more reasons. I have nothing to work for, nothing. No reason. No one is going to congratulate me for what I do because they have to do something equally, or more difficult than mine. You're not going to congratulate a child who has learned to swim because you've known how to do it for a long time; it's something basic."
I put my hands to my head, covering it completely, while I felt every drop of rain fall on them.
"But I asked for it. You reap what you sow, and if I stop watering the plant when it's time, of course it's going to wither. Nature isn't going to give it water on its own… And I can still muster the courage to laugh? Can I really? Shouldn't I dry up too?!" I collapsed to the ground, kneeling down so I wouldn't fall completely. I could feel my pants getting stained with dirt just from leaning on them for a moment. My head was still facing the ground.
"I'm never going to see her again, she's gone, she's dead, ^[Ç+? she's dead, and I haven't done anything… Having these hands… Having everything within my reach..."
I gripped my head tightly in my hands, holding my face as if I wanted to tear it off. "I'm not a murderer. I'm a monster, a wretch…" When I finished gripping my face in my hands, I let them fall. They hit the floor, where they rested.
" Sorry," that's what I wanted to say, but instead, I started laughing. I started laughing. At first, quietly, without even opening my mouth, but it got louder and louder, more exaggerated.
The rain was completely covering me, and now it was pouring down in torrents. I didn't know if I was crying, I didn't feel it at all, but I did know that I couldn't stop laughing.
I laughed, but my face showed the opposite. Over time, that laughter sounded muffled. More and more muffled, weaker, until it stopped altogether.
The rain, which felt more like a flood, muffled every sound; only the person making it would hear it. The cold didn't help you focus on that voice either, making you focus more on how you were shivering. And finally, the water, which had left my clothes behind, didn't help calm that feeling; it would have been better to go naked.
I brought my hands up to my eyes, covering them completely, as if I wanted no one to see me, even if I was alone. And I started to cry.
I don't know how long I was there, maybe a little while, or a long hour, but there was a moment when I stopped crying.
When I stopped, I decided to ignore everything that had happened, although, before that, I wanted to turn around.
"…"
I saw that no one was there. After checking that, I ran out of the park. I ran down the street in the rain, being careful not to slip.
I thought running would make me forget. I thought if I ran away from everything that mattered to me, I'd eventually forget it.
So all I could do was run, little by little, until I left everything behind.
At no point did I look back.
When I got home, my father was angry with me. He waited for me to come back. He was worried, especially since he had called me on the phone several times due to the time and weather, but it turned out I had left it at home.
I don't know how, but I didn't catch a cold that day. It's just that when I got back, I had to dry myself with a towel and warm myself up a bit in bed. Just because I didn't get sick doesn't mean I wasn't cold at all.
What bothered me about the cold wasn't the physical sensation, but the mental one. Even if I told my mind to stop shivering, I kept shivering; I couldn't control myself.
The cold also brought bad things with it, since, if everything good brings a warm feeling with it, wouldn't the cold be linked to the bad?
This reminds me of loneliness, of how harsh reality can be, and how cruel life can be. But if cold is the absence of warmth, then cold itself doesn't exist. If so, does evil also exist?
That doesn't make sense, since pure good doesn't exist. Evil exists because good exists to highlight it, and good exists because evil exists to highlight it. If evil doesn't exist, then good doesn't exist either? What is it, then?
Although, if there were no good or evil, human beings would be incapable of doing anything. We can't do anything if there's nothing to strive for.
If we are not able to act well, we cannot do anything.
I kept thinking about these things while I tried to sleep… It's normal that I couldn't sleep in the first place. Only when I let my mind rest did my body rest as well.
That night, I stopped dreaming in my sleep.
3.
The next day, I didn't go to school.
I guess Monday was when they told them everything that had happened. It was the normal thing to do, at least.
I hope no one else finds out, although this kind of thing spreads faster than wildfire. If I ever see some scumbag from the news on my doorstep, I won't hesitate to slam the door in his face, even if I have to leave his face flat.
I feel bad that they know, especially &$%"!, but it is inevitable.
I don't need to mention this, but I didn't tell anyone about what I read on ^[Ç+?'s computer. I know I should have said it as soon as I found out, but I don't want to, at least not yet.
For my part, I don't want to read more than what's written. Even though you have the right to read my note, I don't want to read it; I don't want to have anything to do with it.
I was locked up for the rest of the day. My father had to bring lunch and dinner up to my room, and at least I was looking forward to eating it.
But the dilemma of being locked in that room wasn't just a one-day thing. Tuesday was the same; I didn't do much while locked in there. Most of my time there consisted of lying in bed, trying to get back to sleep.
Little by little, I began to eat less. I refused the food my father brought me, I had no appetite, and I felt like eating was expending more energy than I was gaining, even though after doing so little, I couldn't sleep at night. That didn't matter, because even if I was tired, I wouldn't stop worrying about it.
No matter what I did that day, I knew what I had to do the next day. My father had a suit of his that fit me, so I was practically obligated to go to the funeral.
I don't know how people would react if I didn't go. I don't know if they would feel sorry for thinking I'm so down, or if they would be indignant that I didn't have the courage to show up.
I just know that both options are equally difficult.
I don't feel like going, but I don't have the courage to stay. I feel like if I go, I'll ruin everything one way or another, I'll do something that will make everyone look at me with disdain.
And even if I don't do anything, people should already be angry with me. They should know what I've done, and they'll assume it's all my fault.
Still, it's a punishment I'll never get. I'll never be judged for laziness, because it will all be covered up as a mere tragedy, as something unforeseeable, but equally avoidable.
That's my sin, not avoiding it. If I've already broken the barrier of the unpredictable, there's no point in leaving it there. Only a fool would leave a degree half-finished. Either you finish it, no matter how far behind you are, or you don't do it in the first place.
I think I know what I'm going to do tomorrow. If my father forces me to go, I'll go, swallow my pride and shame, and present myself to everyone. But if he lets me stay here, that's what I'll do.
I'll let her rest. I don't think she wants to see my face right now, especially when all she'll see is a black cloak that obscures what's on the other side. I also haven't earned the right to attend the funeral, so it would be disrespectful to go.
How can I earn respect? Will I even have another sister to lean on? Will I even know someone I can help? I'd probably just take advantage of that person like a dirty rag.
That's why I don't want to go, but that's not the only reason, of course. My mother will be there too.
I don't want to see her. That's definite. I don't think I'd be too upset if I went, since I don't know if what I feel is anger or fear of seeing her. I just know that she respects us enough to come to the funeral. In any case, I would respect ^[Ç+? and Dad coming, he doesn't have to respect me.
The only thing I can do now is sleep, and maybe pray. Even though I don't know what outcome I want, and what's best for me, I want to pray for the best outcome from all of this.
" What god are you going to pray to, if you can't even believe in yourself?"
He started talking, like last night.
4.
I couldn't sleep. It was because of the anxiety, the fear, and how nervous I was all night. Plus, when I started thinking about whose funeral it was, it only stressed me out even more, and I felt like, every time I thought about it, individual memories would randomly replay in my head.
I don't know if the things I imagined actually happened or not. Almost everything about my childhood is a blur.
And when I finally fell asleep, when the voices and images ceased, I didn't dream anything.
I couldn't wake up on my own at the funeral. It was early in the morning, so we had to get up early. My father was the one who woke me up.
Until I left the house, I had a slight headache. I suppose it was because I'd slept so poorly, or maybe it was a warning to stay home.
Now that I think about it, in all that time I never thought about avoiding leaving home. My father never told me I had to go, although if I used that same logic, he never told me I could stay home either.
I skipped breakfast, I went straight to the shower, avoiding my irrelevant habit of showering with music on, and then putting on my suit.
It fit me perfectly. I didn't care at all if it looked good on me, it even made me angry. It was as if I was determined that I would have to wear it one day.
And as long as it fit me, I'm talking about size, not looks. I didn't like how I looked in the suit. It looked like a badly done cosplay, and I couldn't be taken seriously with my hairstyle and dark circles. It wasn't messy; I had my usual hairstyle. For a guy, I have long hair. At least, almost everyone in my class has it shorter than me.
I don't think I need to explain why dark circles look bad on me.
My father spent a lot of money on the ceremony. The funeral was held at the city temple, and it's one of those funerals where a ritual is performed for the deceased.
To be honest, I don't know what a funeral is like. Since I didn't attend my grandmother's, I don't know what it consists of, or what is done and what isn't done. Although what isn't done should be clear.
The entire walk was awkward and slightly tense. My father and I didn't speak during the 20 minutes we had to walk.
I don't see it as a bad thing, I think it's better if we don't say anything to each other, since I can assume there's nothing important to clarify, at least on his part, since I still haven't told anyone about the computer.
Should I seize the moment and say it? I don't see myself capable of doing it. Am
I really going to be the obligated spokesperson to say that those notes exist?
If I can't even apologize for what happened, how can I say that without hesitation?
As time passed, we arrived. There were already people there, waiting for us. Not many, of course; it was still too early.
Aside from my grandparents on my father's side and my father, I don't know almost anyone in the family, just a cousin who's younger than me. I don't know if he'll come. And even though I say I know him, I don't even remember his name. Almost no one in my family is relevant to me.
The people who were waiting soon came to talk to my father and to lament what had happened.
I tried to distance myself from that group that had formed, but it was useless. There was always someone who had to say, "I'm sure he's having a bad time," or "And he has to go through this when he's so young," as if he were a kid.
The life of the party hadn't even arrived yet and I was already wondering if it had really been a good idea to go.
The more time passed, the more people arrived, people I didn't know at all. They were all older, and almost all of them seemed to be immediate family, either on my father's or my mother's side. Speaking of which, they deigned to show up sooner than I thought.
My father seemed nervous, but, maintaining his composure, he decided to talk to her. We haven't spoken to her since she left home.
I didn't hear anything they said, I was sitting on the steps of the temple, and they were near the stairs, near the Tori at the entrance.
My mother looked just as uncomfortable as my father, but they were both equally worried and, in a way, upset. I hope it's because of the funeral and not because they'll have to see each other again.
When they finished talking, my father pointed to where he was, and my mother looked at me. I could see her face completely.
Nothing had changed. Maybe he even looked a little better than before. Is he happier now that he's freed from this shitty family? You're the only one who doesn't deserve it.
What surprised me was that she was alone. I expected her to come with a man, especially her new husband, but that wasn't the case. Maybe she decided to come alone on her own.
Despite seeing me from a distance and making eye contact for a few seconds, she didn't come over to say anything. She just went to talk to other people there.
No other important family members came, and it angered me that only relatives came. I still don't understand how someone like her deserved to be alone.
While I was thinking that, someone else arrived.
She was wearing the black dress you'd expect at a funeral. She was a girl of average height, maybe a bit more, like 167cm, give or take, with an apathetic yet tired look on her black eyes, that looked at me through her glasses. She had a slim build, a long, black hair, and quite of a menacing look. Not to say she was ugly, but she seemed excessively cold...
Was she a long-lost cousin or something? I thought. As strange as it sounds, I had nothing to do, so I just watched her, discreetly, of course.
She came alone, so it would be strange. Although maybe she's coming late and is now meeting her parents, or whoever else is coming. I wasn't comfortable with that assumption, so I decided to watch her a little more.
He seemed to be searching for someone in the crowd, getting closer and closer to the temple, and apparently, he eventually found the person he was supposed to meet.
" Excuse me, you are ^[Ç+'s brother, right?" the girl in front of me asked me, with a monotonous and neutral tone that tried to hide her doubt.
How direct… And wait a minute, why are you talking to me?!
"…And you are?" I replied in a heavier tone than usual, with a hint of uncertainty.
"Yes," Hearing my question, she took a step back, then bowed slightly to me.
"I'm Suzune Aitsuki, a…" after hesitating for a moment, she finished her introduction, "…a classmate of your sister."
A classmate? But who—? After thinking about it for a while, I got an idea of who it could be.
"Are you the bookseller?!" I said in surprise, although in a slightly low tone.
"Bookseller?"She had a confused and surprised expression, both because of my surprise and because of what I had said.
Shit…
"No, no. It's nothing…" The name I was thinking of escaped me for a moment. Logically, she was the only one who could have come here, though I'm still surprised she actually came.
There was a brief silence after that. More than anything, it seemed as if Suzune was thinking about something…
"…It's the first time someone's ever called me a nickname… More such a silly one..." She broke the silence, her voice calmer, and perhaps even a little happier. A faint smile appeared on her face, though it held a bitter tone. "Has he told you about me?"
"Uh, well, sort of." I replied, embarrassed.
"And to think she called me that… I'm sure all I did was upset her... *Sigh*, anyway, as long as you call me Suzune." She did seem a bit upset about it, but not mad or anything.
I did fuck up big time. Wholesome first impression, asshole.
"Yeah…"
After a brief pause, I joined in as well.
"My name is Riku :2!";_¨`*. "
"Nice to meet you." She still had a mostly neutral demeanor, but that somehow kind, yet sour tone lingered over her like a plague.
"No need to be so formal…" She was bowing slightly, her right hand straight, raised in my direction, offering me a handshake.
"It's the custom."
" Well…" As I sat down, I shook his hand. Then, I tried to make the situation less awkward for myself. "I didn't expect someone who wasn't part of the family to come."
"Aside from offering my condolences, I came to apologize to everyone, and especially to you."
" Why?"
"... I'm sorry she left with that bad taste in his mouth from my class." The bitterness in her voice changed to a mix of concern and regret.
Now that I realize it, if she came here, doesn't that mean the whole district knows about it? Or not, maybe she just knows because I was in the same class as her. I hope that's it.
Before answering, I clenched my right fist to calm myself.
"It's not entirely your fault, they messed with her, and…" fuck… my tongue can slip that easily?
"Did she tell you that, too?" Suzune replied, displaying that worried tone she'd tried so hard to hide with a hint of regret.
"Y-yes…" Obviously, I had to lie about that. After that statement, she sat down next to me without warning.
"Your sister trusted you a lot." She stared ahead at the crowd, a little disappointed. I was stunned.
I didn't answer at all; I never would. But I knew perfectly well that was a lie. The moment I heard what she said, everything began to take on a faint white glow.
"You never let her trust you." "You're nothing but a fraud." "Everyone's image of you is false."
My mind sank into that sea of guilt, into that static-filled mud.
Only a voice other than hers could get me out of there.
"Doesn't it seem strange to you that I came?"
"Huh?"
"I'm certainly not someone close to her in the first place, and…"
Waiting for an answer, she remained silent for a moment. Shame took over my body for a moment, and I couldn't say anything.
"Is something wrong?"
"Y-yes… I don't think she considered you a stranger, at least."
" I just think I'm out of place here, don't you?"
"…I have no reason to think that's weird. Do you regret it?"
"No, it's just…" She rested her cheek on her hand, and we both stared ahead. There were way more people than I could have imagined. I knew practically no one, but it still calmed me a little to know that so many people had come to this, even if I didn't know who came out of spite and who out of obligation. Even someone from her own class came…
" Uh… Suzune…"
"…Yes?
Before I could respond, the temple door opened without warning. As it passed, everyone in the area turned their gaze to the temple. We pulled them up from the steps and stood aside. People began to file in, while I waited for my father.
The ceremony itself didn't last long, but what made me feel bad about the whole event was having his coffin just a few meters away from me.
Knowing that if I removed the lid I could see his face again terrified me far more than I expected. I also couldn't bear to see his framed photo near the coffin.
I was able to control myself enough not to cry, even though some people in the room were already doing so.
I'm not saying this as a joke; they have the right to do so, after all. Something that caught me off guard was that my mother was part of that group.
She wasn't crying profusely; she was trying to hold it in while the occasional tear escaped. For some reason, it made me feel sick to see her like that. That was what disgusted me the most.
After the ceremony, and before taking the body to the cemetery, we spent some time in the church. Once again, the adults only took the opportunity to talk about the misfortune that had occurred, or how tragic it was that something like this had happened.
And I want to emphasize the tragic.
No one in the room knew she had committed suicide. Everyone thought a criminal was behind it all.
That she was out on the street and attacked. That someone broke into the house and she tried to defend herself in vain. Apparently, my father omitted the cause when describing what happened.
I'm not one to judge whether that's right or wrong, as I'm the first to hide something important. Even if he said it, it would make everyone feel worse.
During the time I was in the temple, I just leaned against the wall and stared at the photo I'd put on the altar of ^[Ç+?. It was from last year, I think it's the one she used to get into high school. She was smiling.
The altar decoration was something worthy of having. Even though I can't stop thinking about how much it must have cost my father to put all this together, it still seems worth it.
Another thing worth mentioning is that my mother came to talk to me with my father. Fortunately, she didn't give me any bad news, like they're going to get back together.
He came over to say hello and tell me that he was staying home just for today. I didn't say anything about it.
I had nothing to talk to her about anyway. She was never someone I cared about, and now I just hate her, even though it would have been worse if she had stayed with us.
The mere fact that you have reasons to separate yourself underscores the mistake you made by getting together with Dad. If this was all going to end like this, it would have been better not to have gotten involved with him in the first place.
At least I appreciate that you apologized for my sister, even though it's not your fault. You're being much more grown-up than I thought.
I imagined she'd be apathetic and angry, as if this was a pain in the ass, but I feel like she's genuinely hurt that she lost her daughter, which is just common sense, even if she's one she abandoned.
It's something I'll never forgive her for. The only reason there was such a bad atmosphere at home for a while was because of her and her pride. All because she couldn't handle a child's tantrum well.
After what I did with Grandma, she would argue with Dad every chance she got, she was always complaining about something, and even if you tried to defend her, she would lash out at you.
It was like he didn't trust anyone but her. I hate that my dad had to go through so much grief because of her, and that when he finally goes to bother someone else, he has to go through this.
Can't anyone just have a normal life?
Coming here has made me feel sick. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. But this is enough for me.
I'm afraid that if I go to the cemetery, I won't be able to stand it.
5.
Before we left, Suzune joined me again. Apparently, she'd gone outside for a moment before coming with me. Did she cry? I doubt it.
She didn't confront me directly like before, she leaned her back against the wall, just like me, next to me.
"…"
"…I'm sorry."
"…It's not your fault."
No one said anything. Despite the noise in the room, I felt like that thick layer of black fog was slowly caressing my back as I glanced at ^[Ç+?'s photo.
But, before leaving the temple on my own, I continued with what I couldn't tell him before.
" Suzune, thank you for talking to my sister."
"…?"
"From what I know, you weren't with her for very long, and I don't know if you two got along at first, but still, thank you for trying to get closer to her."
" No… I…"
"I know you wanted to spend more time with her." Saying that, she stared at me for a moment, doubtful. Soon, she made a decision.
"…Can we go outside for a moment?" As she looked away from me, she asked that question. Of course, I said yes, and we went behind the temple, where no one was.
"So… what did you want to tell me here?" Under any circumstances, I would have added to that question some phrase like, "You don't want to do things to me, do you?" But I'm not so stupid as to not understand the current situation.
She took a brief moment to sigh.
" First of all… What do you do to notice that kind of thing? Do you think I'm 'shy'?"
"You're just like a friend of mine," I replied without hesitation.
" I don't know what that friend you're talking about is like, but I don't consider myself shy at all. Most people tell me I'm very cold, and that I ignore people a lot, and…"
"That's why you're antisocial. The friend I'm talking about is only half-hearted, but it still counts."
Apparently, that assumption of mine made Suzune break her usually formal demeanor, blushing a little.
" How can you say that to my face?!"
"Am I wrong?"
"Well… not really…" She adjusted her glasses before giving her opinion. "I don't mind spending time alone, but, contrary to what you might think, I do have friends in class. Maybe I'm more like that friend you're talking about than I think…" She even seems annoyed that I got so many right. I'm cheating, though, so I'm not proud of it. I know more than I should.
" Um, so after finding that out… What was the second thing you were going to say to me?"
"Oh, yeah." Hearing my question, she clasped her hands behind her back and clasped them together. "Um…"
She took her time expressing what she wanted to say. I could even feel in real time how she was becoming more and more softened, and even seemed sad. After taking a breath, she began to speak.
"I… I didn't want to talk to her at first. She didn't seem like a bad person, but with so many people in class talking badly about her… I was afraid they'd pick on me too. A few days later, I was able to talk to her, and I apologized for rejecting her like that. In the end, I grew interested in her. I barely knew her, and maybe I did it out of pity at first, but even with the little time I've spent with her, I feel like she really was a friend… and…" Suzune stopped talking for a moment, turned away without saying a word, and once again there was silence.
Even though it's something familiar to me, I hate it when there's too much silence when I'm with someone. It's uncomfortable.
The reason she'd turned around was clear. I didn't know her at all, and she barely knew my sister, but even so, she was crying for her.
How quickly can you form a relationship strong enough with a person that you can mourn their death?
For my part, even though I'd just met her, I didn't want her to cry in front of me about her. If this keeps up, I'll end up crying too.
" Suzune…"
"…Why did she have to leave? And in such a way… I don't understand, what happened for her to leave?… And, I thought I could be her…"
I wanted to talk for that selfish reason, to avoid crying in front of others. I thought it was a terrible thing to do, and that was the only reason I wanted to calm her down.
But deep inside, in the back of my mind, something was bothering me. Much more than the thought of ending up crying.
"… The truth is, I don't know what to say right now. Both to your answer and to console you. It makes me angry to have to admit it. I just want you to know that you're not late."
"Huh?" She sighed, wiping away her tears.
"Even if it seems like a short time to you, it was certainly enough for her, even if she wasn't able to see it in the first place. For that, I'm grateful. And if you blame yourself for it, despite having only recently met her, that makes me somewhat happy. I can't understand how someone could care so much about someone they don't know. That's why, even though I don't understand it, I want to thank you."
It's ironic.
"But…"
"The other part about you blaming yourself worries me, and for that, I only have one thing to say…" I'm a clown. "If I, as her brother, couldn't prevent it, it's not your fault that you couldn't do anything…"
"Prevent it?"
"She…" Was it the right thing to say? No one will blame me after I say it, right? "No. It's not a big deal. I just… I just want you to know it's not your fault." In the end, I chickened out, I chickened out. I ran away.
We didn't say anything else on the subject; I guess neither of us needed to say anything more at that point.
Suzune calmed down, I kept from breaking down, and we closed the conversation by leaving the place.
She wanted to avoid opening up to me, she fought to prevent it from happening, and when it did, she tried to keep me from seeing her like that. Whether out of shyness or because I didn't care, she turned away.
Those sweet, magical words that calm people in those kinds of situations only exist in fiction.
We just dropped the subject. She wiped her tears, I sighed, and we walked back to the temple entrance.
They were going to take her to the cemetery.
6.
Before leaving, my father spoke with me for a moment.
"… Riku, you know you don't have to come, right?"
"Dad, I told you before that—"
"Even if you told me, you've been looking really bad throughout the entire ceremony. I'm not saying it's a time for you to be happy or relaxed, but I have a feeling you're going to end up worse than before. I'm not saying you can't come to the funeral, but don't feel obligated to come if you don't want to."
I know you don't mean it in a bad way. I know you mean it well. But that's not what makes me angry. What really makes me angry is...
"… S-so can I really go home?"
"Yeah, I won't blame you for that. I wouldn't feel good about myself if you felt bad about going. I already told you, you shouldn't force yourself to do more than you want if you don't need to."
"…Thanks…" I hid from what I had to do. I ended up leaving her alone until the end.
Despite everything, I don't completely regret this moment, because before my father left, I told him one last thing.
" When you get home, I want to tell you something."
"Have you got a girlfriend?"
"N-no! And this isn't the time to be saying things like that!" Even though he said that, his tone of voice still sounded heavy and tired. He just wanted to give me a little motivation.
"Sorry, sorry." My father didn't laugh at all, although he tried to maintain a more relaxed and cheerful expression, like the one he had when we were children.
Interrupting the conversation, a female voice called my name.
"So, are you going home, Riku?"
"…!?" I was slightly startled when Suzune appeared out of nowhere behind me.
"… Is she a friend of yours?"
My father returned to his normal self. I don't understand how he can change his temper so quickly. And to think he's someone so serious and formal at work…
"Hello, I'm Suzune Aitsuki. It's a pleasure." Leaning her upper body forward.
"I'm Kenzo :2!";_¨`*, ^[Ç+? and Riku's father. Are you a friend of theirs from high school?" My father introduced himself in the same way, using a formal, but friendly tone.
Both he and I know that ^[Ç+? had no friends in class. Although it worried us, especially my father, there was nothing we could do except support her.
Suzune hesitated for a moment when faced with this question. Once she had a clear answer, she answered the question.
"No, she doesn't-"
"Yes, she's her friend. She met her during the class change. I talked to her a little today." I decided to interrupt her. My father was a little surprised by my interruption, but upon hearing my answer, his expression softened, all formalities falling away.
"…Thank you so much for reaching out to her, even if it was only for a short time. We're so happy to hear it."
Suzune was also surprised by my interruption, and became a little agitated by my father's response, also adopting a more casual posture.
"It's no big deal. I didn't do anything, after all." Still, her voice sounded a little hurt, rejecting any kind of flattery.
"For us, it is. I'm sure she's very grateful to you, too."
Suzune still couldn't accept all my father's kind words. Cornered, she stared at me, waiting for me to say something.
"Whether you want to accept it or not, we both greatly appreciate what you've done. I've told you this before, haven't I? You've done nothing wrong."
"Whenever you want, you can come to our house sometime. I couldn't turn down someone like you."
"Wouldn't that be a nuisance?"
"No. We may not know each other well now, but in times like these, we need to be together so we don't end up worse."
"…We could…" Suzune spoke in a low tone, almost as if she were talking to herself.
"…Could you tell me about her?" A genuine request, with no ill intentions. A mixture of hope and regret permeated his voice.
"Of course. I'm usually very busy, so if I'm not around, you can ask Riku anything you want."
"Really?" Her face, which had been downcast a little, lit up slightly with a pinkish hue, the product of something more innocent than embarrassment.
As I asked, she turned her gaze to me again.
"Y-yes. You can come whenever you want."
Although, I don't know how I can tell him that I don't want to talk about it.
Changing the conversation, and after having looked towards the stairs, my father spoke to me.
"Riku, they're going to start leaving. What are you going to do?"
"I…" I still wasn't sure. Even though I'd said I was going to leave, I didn't know what I really wanted.
I just know there was something making me want to take the easy way out. "…I think I'll go home. I don't want-"
"You don't need to say it, I understand."
"...Thank you…"
"Suzune, are you coming?"
"I don't know yet… I won't be long in deciding, but you can go ahead."
"Okay. Well, be careful on the way home," my father said, looking me in the eyes.
"Yeah…"
"Bye bye."
"See you later."
"Bye bye."
As we said goodbye, he smiled slightly, turned around, and started walking down the stairs to the sanctuary, along with the rest of the people.
We were left alone, at the exit of the sanctuary.
" …You heard me, I'm going home. You can go ahead if you want. I'm going to stay here for a while."
"So what are you going to do here?"
"Nothing."
"Mh, nothing." She was silent for a moment before answering. "Then I'll do nothing with you."
"And when did I ever say I was going to do anything with anyone?"
"None, but since I'm older, shouldn't I stay with you?"
"I'm not a kid. I can be alone…"
"I guess…"
The atmosphere was very quiet. You could hear people talking in the distance, but other than that, everything was pretty peaceful.
"So, were you going to tell me something when you came?"
"Oh, no. I was just passing by, and I heard you say you were leaving. Aren't you going to the funeral?"
"No. If I'm honest, I can't."
"I can go with you. I was planning on going too, but… I'm scared."
That warm atmosphere that had been there before vanished in a flash. When you think of a funeral, you can't get the image of watching that coffin being buried out of your mind, especially knowing what's inside.
You go to a funeral to pay your respects to the deceased, to show everyone that you cared about that person.
And that's not the only problem; there's also the public, the people who will be at the funeral. I'm happy that so many people are coming, but I couldn't cry in front of everyone.
I don't want to show that weakness to the world, I don't want them to try to console me later. It would be just another nuisance. That's why I can't go.
Would she forgive me if I didn't go?
"It doesn't matter. Even if I were accompanied by someone, I couldn't bear it. I'd almost run out of the sanctuary during the ceremony."
"Then let me accompany you. Please."
"I can go perfectly alone, I already told you."
"I want to do it. If you tell me you'd rather go back alone, I won't bother you anymore. I feel like doing it. I know nothing will happen to you if you're alone, and yet…"
She held strong emotions behind her words, even if she didn't show them.
For my part, I wanted to go back alone. I needed to be, since I couldn't bear the tension of the moment any longer. But I didn't want to hurt her either. I hesitated.
"Suzune, thank you so much for offering, and for your concern, but I'd rather go back alone. You said it, I won't do anything. All in all, I'll be fine. If you want to go to the funeral, you can."
"No, I'm not going to do it. It's not that you're not going to go, I just think I feel pretty much the same way you said. Going to a funeral must be weird. I also don't know what I should do there, and it would be something I couldn't get out of my head. It gives me a bad feeling."
"I understand, don't worry."
The conversation came to nothing. We simply made it clear that we were going to leave. We realized we were too weak—and young—to go.
After finishing speaking, Suzune took her phone out of her pocket.
"Could you give me your number?"
"Yeah, I don't have it with me, so write the number down somewhere."
When I gave her my number, she immediately sent a message to the chat, even though I was right in front of her.
"When I get home, I'll check if I entered the wrong number or not."
"How wrong?"
"I think I said it right, but I'm not entirely sure."
I turned around, like my father did before, looking at the landscape.
The place was located on the slope of a hill, on which the forest is, and from here, you can see part of the city.
The sun hung high in the sky, directly above us all. Yet the shadow it cast across the entire space was dense, its darkness contrasting with the brightness of the light, yet blending with the suits we both wore.
The light rested on my skin, especially on my face, but I couldn't feel its warmth.
"Well, we'll talk another day."
"Yes. We'll talk."
"See you later, Suzune."
"See you tomorrow, Riku."
I took a deep breath, then sighed. My hands were calm, resting inside my suit pocket.
You'd think what was in front of you was worthy of a painting, a view you don't see every day.
That very day, everything looked that way. Full of hope, radiating an energy that sought to prevail, that encouraged you to live a prosperous future.
Everything looked alive.
On that day.