It wouldn't have been such a bad idea to go to class on Thursday. I couldn't have gone earlier because of the "holiday" I'd been given, but I should have been able to go on Thursday.
I'd been awake for a long time. If I had to guess, it would be 4 a.m. now.
"…"
I was hungry. Lying about eating out wasn't going to magically make a hamburger appear in my stomach.
And yet, I was too lazy to go downstairs for food. I'll just have breakfast tomorrow , I told myself.
He was lying on his bed, as usual, and I had flatly refused to change the sheets.
I don't know what she was trying to achieve with that, since they only had my scent on them. The only things that hadn't lost that scent were a couple of cushions she used a lot.
I was waiting. There were about 5 minutes left. For what?
"Ahhhh…" I yawned for the twentieth time while staring at his mobile phone screen, waiting for my next chance to try another password.
I couldn't think of any other passwords she might have set; whether it was for her birthday, my birthday, some other important date for her…
And if there is one, I don't have enough brain cells to think of that password…
Apart from waiting, I would occasionally toss and turn in bed, or move around in general, to avoid falling asleep.
My body was screaming at me to go to sleep, and I always convinced myself with the same phrase:
"Just one more time..."
And I repeated it about 5 times and here I am. This will probably really be the last one, because physically I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt like a miserable person who waits for hours for someone to send him a message, only to fall asleep disappointed that no one is talking to him.
30 seconds…
Please…
10 seconds…
I want to go to sleep…
5 seconds…
Hurry!!!
1 second…
Almost there…!!
0.5 seconds
Come on!!!!
The moment he let me write, I put the first combination of numbers that came to mind, completely ignoring the order I had set for myself.
[The password you entered is incorrect. You will not be able to enter a new password for the next 12 hours.]
I angrily threw my phone against the wall, only to regret it immediately and check if it was okay. Thank goodness I didn't break it…
After leaving it on the desk, I threw myself onto the bed completely defeated, trying to fall asleep once and for all.
"…"
The sheets felt less and less soft. Neither hunger nor that insignificant discomfort prevented me from falling asleep almost instantly.
Everything I wanted to think about that night, I ended up thinking about somewhere else… In a…
A white place.
Riku accepted that place without complaint, as if it were his new room. He was on his knees, but he would have been just as happy standing, lying down, or hanging. He didn't want to acknowledge his existence in that world.
Everyone tells me to relax, to take time to rest. Are they being considerate, or do they think I'm not strong enough to go to class so soon?
They probably think I'm "strong" for acknowledging how weak I am, but isn't that ironic?
A weak person is someone who suffers from weakness; that's why weakness is what afflicts the weak. A lack of strength is when weakness manifests.
The two are opposites; they're not things you can just put together. You're either strong, or you're nobody.
" Ohhh? So you're saying that anyone who is weak is nothing?"
Gh…!
In that lagoon where all his thoughts floated, it was only a matter of time before he started sticking his nose where it didn't belong.
Riku wanted to hide the surprise that her appearance had caused him, not only because she had appeared in front of him instantly, but also because of the question she asked him.
"Do you think people can't change if they're weak? Aren't we all born weak? Stop pretending to be a genius!"
I-I'm not pretending to be any…!
"Aren't you making excuses for your own weakness? 'It's not my fault, it's my weakness's fault!' Running away from your problems by blaming them is the truly ironic thing about all this…"
A resentful tone, similar to one he rarely let out. Perhaps this time he wouldn't be so cruel and heartless.
Riku was obviously trying to prove him wrong, but how to do it…?
I'm right! Someone weak can't change on their own; they'll always need the support of someone strong, someone solid. Weak support will crumble under the slightest pressure.
"If we could only change with the help of strong people, how is it that the first strong person was able to become that way on their own?"
Well… that first person must have been born strong…
"But isn't that impossible? It's true that we are all born weak, but it should be impossible... shouldn't it?"
Um… maybe it's because of… natural selection?
"…"
…
"Pfff-"
"Hahahahaha !"
W-What's wrong now?!
"Oh... It's just... You're making such lame excuses... You're going to kill me!"
…
"Can't you just admit you were wrong?... Honestly... If you're going to speak without thinking, it's better not to speak at all."
…
Riku didn't want to be in that place any longer; all he wanted now was to wake up, since he knew better than anyone that it wasn't him who chose when he left.
His tone softened considerably after hearing something he hadn't expected. After taking a deep breath, letting the air flow through his body, he continued his conversation with Riku. You could even say he sounded compassionate.
" You know, it's much better to back off than to keep running forward like a headless chicken."
Why would I back down now?
"Right now, you should back out! You don't have to go through nonsense like this..."
Do you think all this is nonsense?
"It's bigger than any tantrum you ever threw at her! You're just kids who don't know what to do with your frustration. Blaming yourselves isn't enough, so you look for others to blame."That 's how a child behaves."
No… no no no… you've got it all wrong…
"Seriously… Don't bother saying any more excus-"
Everyone treats me the same.
A certain resentment was noticeable in Riku's voice for the first time after entering this place.
Intending to assert himself, Riku stood up from the ground, to be at the same level as him, after all, they were both the same height.
My father, Suzune, the director, everyone… and now you…
"Mmm, I didn't know you thought so little of me."
Are you telling me not to try because you don't expect anything from me? Or is it because you're so worried I'll hurt myself trying that you'd rather I just stay put?
"Who really decides what you're going to do in the end? It doesn't matter if their intentions are one way or another, EVERYTHING will depend on your actions, whether you like it or not."
What if they don't want me to act? It's no longer about choosing AOB, it's about not choosing at all. If I don't choose anything, will they be able to choose for me?
"No. It doesn't matter how much you want them to choose, or how much they want to choose in your life. In essence, no one forces you to choose; you are the one who forces yourself to do something, whether it's what you want or not."
With a tone of melancholy and disappointment in his voice, Riku continued speaking. His head bowed, the light from the floor blinding him, so he decided to close his eyes.
But no one forced me to do this. I'm not a victim, no one hurt me, no one forced me to choose anything. And yet… they treat me like I'm useless, like I stumble when it matters most.
"Yes, you are a victim."
Her voice became a little depressed, feeling something stuck in her throat that she couldn't get out, no matter how much she talked.
What makes me a victim? Whether I like it or not, I chose this. They didn't make me choose this; it was me. Why do they keep telling me to rest, to give myself time, when I NEED to choose right now?
" You don't have to choose. Everything is already decided. You know that-"
No! I don't know anything! I don't know why they're treating me like this! I don't know why the hell she acted like that in the cemetery! I don't know why Suzune was interested in her! And…!
"…"
Riku clenched his fists as tightly as he could, but he wasn't going to hit him. He didn't want to, he couldn't. More than anything, he wanted to hit himself; ironic, considering he was standing right in front of him.
Even feeling so weak, this time Riku didn't fall to the ground, didn't completely collapse, but he was still incredibly fragile. Was that something to celebrate, when it didn't change anything?
And… I don't know why he did it…
For a brief moment, her face showed a hint of compassion, and frustration; something overshadowed by her extravagant attitude.
" All of that should be clear to you! Are you really-?"
I don't need to hear you talk trash to know what you're going to say!
Riku raised his gaze, angry again, not allowing him to say any more words.
You think you're the fucking king of the world, saying 'Oh, you're this, oh, I'm laughing at that,' but deep down you're more full of shit than I am!
"It doesn't surprise me!"
I'm the one who's surprised! That you're such a damn hypocrite. One minute you're trying to help me, the next you're lying to me, and then you're talking shit about me. What the hell is wrong with you?! ...You're completely insane.
He stared at Riku, who was looking to the side, not into his eyes, and if he regained his mocking attitude,
" I told you… I'm not surprised."
Riku chuckled slightly, as if he had expected her to say something like that.
…Yes, it doesn't surprise me…
"… "
…
"…"
Is this... what you meant?
" Are you trying to change the subject again? At this rate, we'll never finish..."
Just answer me…
"…Yes, that's exactly what I meant."
Both he and Riku remained silent, waiting for the other to say something, whether it was nonsense or not.
…
"…" He sighed, "…Oh, to leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. But look, in the end you say you 'don't know' so much, but then it doesn't cost you anything to find out things."
I still don't know anything.
" Then just learn."
As if it were that easy…
"It is."
… You really don't give a shit about anything.
"Well, think whatever you want."
…
"… What? Does it bother you that I even tell you that?"
No, it's just that... you still treat me the same as before.
"It turns out I'm the one who doesn't understand you... Ugh, you're really bothering me. Can't you just wake up already?"
I've chosen before... many times. Why are you telling me I can't choose?
"…You focus on finding a solution to what cannot be solved, that's all."
No… you're… you're right. That I chose what was imposed on me is pure chance.
"…"
No matter how much they treat me like a victim, I simply… cannot accept it…
I can't stop thinking about the past. All those moments, every single moment…
Was it all for nothing? Why did I have to go through all that? To think it was all for nothing? Why bother growing up so much if you're just going to end up like this?
I want to stop thinking about it, but I can't; it's eating me up inside. The thought that it was all a lie.
'He didn't care about you', 'He never cared about you', 'He has always hated you', are some of the things he has repeated to me over and over again these days.
Sometimes I take it to heart, other times I completely ignore it. But I know that both ways I'm just running away from the answer.
It's obvious when you see the whole situation for what it really is. No matter how much he says it, or how he phrases it, he can't change the fact that it is what it is.
She was truly selfish. Leaving like that is nothing but pure selfishness.
If he really cared, he would have trusted me. He would have told me everything he needed to say.
If he cared, he would have done it somewhere where he could never have seen her.
I can't stop watching her. I can't. It's always the same. Floor. Red. Body. Knife. Eyes. Noise. Crying. A white place. It's always the same.
When I wake up, I'm afraid I won't be able to eat breakfast in peace. When I'm walking down the street, I'm afraid of hearing that noise. When I'm in class, I'm afraid people will stare at me. When I look inside my pencil case, I remember I need to buy a green pen. When I get home, all I can think about is crying. And when I lie down in bed, I think about being with her.
I'm afraid to fall asleep, because of all the things I might dream about.
And it seems that everything always ends up being this…
Beep! Beep! Beep
I was woken up by an alarm that I forgot to turn off.