After getting up to turn off the alarm, I threw myself back onto the bed, trying to fall asleep again. I tossed and turned, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.
I didn't have anything better to do than try to sleep, so it was the perfect excuse to lie in bed almost all morning. It's not like anyone cared what I was doing.
When I finally gave up on falling asleep, I went down to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As soon as I woke up, as usual, I started thinking again.
What to do with them, what to do with her, what to do with him. Problems, everything seemed to be problems, and I had nothing to support me.
Did I even have anything to lean on? Maybe I could be enough on my own for a while, but I wasn't going to last much longer.
The water flowed erratically into the glass, almost overflowing. Realizing my mistake, I bent down without moving the glass to sip some of the water, regulating its level.
"…"
My face was reflected in the glass. The patch I was wearing on my nose stood out the most, irritating me just to look at it.
Seeing my annoyed face reminded me of his. Even though they expressed the same emotion, his was far more terrifying.
Should there have been…? That thought flashes through my mind like lightning, and I deny it even faster.
As if that would have changed anything… They would have dragged me down a well, thank goodness I rejected them. They think that by holding hands they'll achieve something, bunch of idiots.
Morons who don't know how life is, who think they're the best of the best just for being a little more normal, a little more… just for standing out in a couple of things.
Sports aren't going to get you anywhere; you have no talent. You lack that "something" that athletes have and you don't. It's just a game, a way to pass the time.
You don't even know what you want to do. You think you're the star, the center of attention, when all you do is avoid people, and then you start crying because nobody talks to you. And then you come at me with this nonsense about being tired of being like this, about wanting to change… You don't even believe it yourself!
You just got carried away in the moment. Deep down, it's nothing but empty words. If you really wanted to change, you would have said so at a calmer moment, not by taking advantage of the situation like this.
And you… You're just a fucking arrogant jerk. The biggest piece of trash imaginable. I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend. You? Someone like you? I'm ashamed to even admit it.
I hope you die. If all you're going to contribute to people is that or worse, you might as well go and kill yourself too.
I unconsciously cut myself off mid-monologue, turning my gaze back to the glass of water. It still reflected my face, now with a contemptible expression, choked with anxiety.
I drank the water, clicking my tongue, and quickly went upstairs to the room, leaving the door open behind me.
This time, I sat down in the chair so hard it creaked a little. I never had anything to do, at least not while I was in that room. I felt strange being here.
I had no privacy, or it felt like I had none. Nobody was watching me, and I didn't feel observed, but I had absolutely no privacy.
After glancing at the wall near the window, I decided to leave. I grabbed my phone and charger, and as I left, I closed the bedroom door. Before closing it completely, I saw something that looked like a bouquet of flowers, but dismissing it as an illusion, I ignored it and shut the door completely.
" Congratulations, now you can look at your bedroom ceiling!" I heard an enthusiastic voice describing my exact situation. I had now thrown myself onto my bed, which felt more comfortable than usual, and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling.
Then I lay on my side, taking in my entire room. My bookshelf, which had very little dust, but from which I hadn't taken a manga in a while.
My backpack, scattered on the floor, with my pencil case and a few books outside it, not far away. And finally, my countertop, with my computer and monitor being the only things on it.
The countertop also had a couple of drawers on one side, mostly empty, in which I hid a few things; things I definitely don't want to do right now…
"…Ugh" Or at least I want to try not to do it.
Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it… Ugh, I'm thinking about it!
I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and sat down in my chair, turning on the computer. After entering my password in my browser, I went to YouTube, looking for a video I could put on to distract myself.
I hadn't thought about it at the time, but that was the first time I had turned on my computer for two weeks.
"Boring…" "Irrelevant…" "Clickbait…" "…I'm going to report this video…" I said, after noticing that it really did say that in the title of that video.
I didn't remember that my account was only showing up with pure garbage. It was just endless scrolling down, down, down…
"…Hehe… Account in decline…" As much as I managed to make myself laugh a little with my own comments, it was too short. It needed to be longer.
" Oh, this one doesn't look bad… no, it looks bad."
It was the typical video with a generic but 'epic' and impactful thumbnail, as if it were telling you to your face that it was the best thing you'd ever see. I didn't even give it a chance.
I gave up after half an hour. I surrendered and closed the browser, immediately opening an app full of anime to watch. I had a huge list of things that I never seemed to feel like starting.
Doing myself a favor, I made the wise decision to do exactly the same thing as before: scroll down until I found an anime I liked. Or rather, one I wanted to watch right then. It's fine if I add four more anime to my list; that's what it's there for.
"…" As I scrolled down the page as if my life depended on it, among all the generic or uninteresting covers, I saw one that finally seemed more unique.
It's a romance... I don't know if I should give it a chance, only 2 of the romances I've seen are good... Mind you, I've only seen 5 in total.
Avoiding the negligence of adding yet another anime to my list, I clicked on the anime and started reading the synopsis.
'[Protagonist with a completely generic name] will begin to live his high school years in the weirdest way possible! [Love interest I'll watch over in every way except for their survival], an eccentric girl who thinks she's a mage, will approach him under the guise of 'being cursed,' looking for someone to remove her curse! Enjoy 'The day I was walking through class until suddenly a mage girl kicked me in the balls to get rid of a curse, but then when it didn't work, she got really disappointed and forced me to remove her curse, only to find out later that her curse was actually a love confession!'
"No way, if you want, tell me how many hairs the guy had on his balls!" I reluctantly left the anime tab after reading the entire synopsis.
It was a constant cycle. Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down, I add an anime to my list, scroll down, scroll down, I look at the synopsis of an anime, I quit because it doesn't look good…
Once again, I abandoned the idea of searching for anime and opted to choose a random one from my list. It was just another romance, and for that reason alone, I didn't want to give it a chance, but this was what the roulette wheel had chosen. After all the trouble I'd gone to setting it up, I couldn't ignore it now.
I started the first episode with no expectations, and little by little, without realizing it, I was drawn into the story. I wasn't thinking about anything; I was just watching what was happening, storing it in my memory, and continuing to watch it until the episode ended.
I didn't think twice and put on the next one. I started reacting to some of the things or jokes they were saying; I was having a good time watching the anime.
I was watching it. I wasn't experiencing it. What would it be like to live through something like that? I've asked myself that many times, and I already know the answer… but…
I paused the episode near the end, and started looking out my window, at the street…