It started happening to me more and more while watching any anime, especially if I really liked it. I would pause the episode I was watching over and over again, just to waste time.
I wouldn't know if I'd call it delusions, but I was always imagining things or situations related to what I was seeing.
"This could go another way." "It would be better this way." "I think it would be funnier if..."
At first, those pauses only lasted a couple of seconds, reaching a minute or two at most. But I decided to think about it more, to invent even more things.
I created new characters and tried to make them fit the story. I didn't want to admit it, but almost all of them were the same thing: I inserted myself into the story, but changed my appearance and personality as it suited me.
I always tried to do something new, to make sure it didn't look strange, that it wasn't an unnecessary character. It was easy to do at the beginning of each anime, when I knew nothing about the characters, and there was room for everything.
The more knots were tied, the more the characters became intertwined, the harder it was for me to stay engaged with the story. If I didn't do something significant that changed the plot, if I didn't steal a role from another character, I was completely stuck.
This made me like what I saw less; I enjoyed it very little compared to the beginning, and to what I imagined.
A 20-minute episode easily lasted me twice as long, and in the end I didn't understand half of what was happening in it.
More than being interested in anime, I wondered what I could do to get involved in it. What I could do to make it better.
It could be better if my character had family problems and sympathized with another character in a similar situation. I could create a depressed secondary character who gives excellent advice but doesn't follow it. I could do a thousand and one things, but in the end, none of them work.
I was creating a new story, completely different from the anime. I wasn't writing fanfiction just because I was too lazy; it was better to do it simply for the pleasure it gave me in the moment.
There were entire mornings or afternoons when I did the same thing. I started frantically devouring my anime watchlist, wasting the potential of more than half of them.
I wasn't watching, I was distracted. I couldn't watch it again either, because I already knew what was happening, and it would be too boring to watch it again.
The days passed, and before I knew it, it was Thursday. I could go back to class, and technically it was my obligation to do so, but… am I to blame for not having done it?
Everyone seemed to be on my side. 'You can rest.', 'You don't have to push yourself.', 'No one is forcing you to do it.'
I didn't know why they were telling me that. I had no idea what to think. Maybe they were genuinely worried about me, seeing how I was forcing myself to do something that part of me didn't want to do, or maybe it was the opposite.
They didn't expect anything from me, so they told me to rest. It was so embarrassing to see me trying so many things in vain that they gave up on supporting me.
It could be either one, or even both at the same time. Selfishness and empathy. They look out for my well-being as much as for their own comfort.
Despite having decided to stay home, I didn't have much to do. I wasn't going to do my homework, much less study; there was still some time before exam season.
I'd be bored going to school anyway . That was what motivated me most to stay home. I wanted to think that was it, but I also knew I was scared. Scared of everything.
I wouldn't be so scared if only I could go to the side of someone I could trust. At least, someone with whom I felt safe.
Going to sleep didn't help either. It was harder for me to fall asleep than running a marathon, and even when I woke up, after sleeping for more than nine hours, I was exhausted.
And that's despite not having nightmares or dreams, on the other hand. It was normal, but I suppose having so many dreams in a row made me think it would keep happening.
Well, now I had one less reason to go to a psychologist. I doubt any number of reasons would make me want to go, but oh well.
I already have a bad reputation; I don't want to have to walk down the hallways listening to even more insults. That's what would happen if I went to school now.
How long would it take for people to calm down? Even if Otsuki tried to get people to forgive me, how much would that really help?
They're not going to ignore what happened so quickly just because the victim starts defending me. It might even have the opposite effect. They'll start thinking I manipulated her, that I forced her to say those things, and they'll turn even more against me.
Speaking of Otsuki, she hasn't said anything to me since Saturday. Haruka asked my father for my number the next day, now that they had exchanged numbers, and he did it without my consent.
As if I cared that he gave Otsuki my number, but for some reason it really bothered me. I didn't say anything because I was too lazy, but I don't think he even noticed I was upset with him.
Seeing how she reacted when she apologized to me, and how her mother bothered her so much by saying we should talk another day, I thought she would be encouraged to do it.
On the contrary, I didn't want to talk to her at all. The entire time I was with her felt awkward, and I still feel that way.
Whether it's guilt, shame, or disgust, I don't know why I feel this way. I've already forgiven her , that much was clear, but even though we were surprisingly able to reconcile, I still thought as if nothing had happened.
Should we even talk to each other again? If people saw us together, they'd start thinking badly of her. Or, conversely, they'd see me in an even worse light.
I'd be most worried about her friends. As if they'd let something like that happen. I'm that weird kid who, just because of a little pressure, punched a girl in the face. At least she seemed strong; I don't even want to imagine how I would have felt if she'd started crying.
There wasn't a single person in that class who wasn't surprised by it. It would be arrogant to think I was the most surprised, but I couldn't see it any other way.
I'm not someone who likes to get into fights, nor am I a violent person .
That's what I've always thought, and what I still think. I don't like hitting, getting into fights, and much less being hit. But having done it twice in a row, it would be strange to think I'm a calm person.
Every time I looked for a reason, every time I remembered those moments, I lost the motivation to do the few things I wanted to do, so I stopped dwelling on it.
It wasn't a " what's done is done" kind of thing. It was more like, " it's not worth dwelling on something that's already happened." Yes, it had happened, but she kept thinking as if it hadn't.
The only thing that has changed is that now I am more aware of how I behave in front of others… or at least, in front of my father.
We don't see each other much, not like before, only when I go downstairs for water, to get something to eat, or when it's time for dinner, if I even eat dinner. He still seems the same as always, calm, and a little tired.
He kept his word; he's not working overtime anymore. It might not be what he was looking for, but now he has more time to clean the house, do the laundry, and all those chores that no one else is going to do around the house.
So far, he hasn't asked me to do anything. He always looks at me with a pleased expression, a slightly kind one, as if just seeing me is enough. It wasn't very different from how he looked at us before, but now his emotions seem to be deeper.
For my part, I tried to appear neutral around him, and little else. I had completely forgotten what happened between us. I never apologized, but I suppose letting it go means I forgave him.
Aside from watching anime, I didn't do much else at home. Occasionally I would try to read, and if I was lucky I'd read a whole chapter of a manga.
Sometimes I thought about helping out around the house, but just getting out of bed or up from my chair made me feel lazy. I complained that I didn't want to do anything, but I didn't force myself to either.
The only thing I didn't neglect was my hygiene. Although I'd completely lost my school routine after three days, I still brushed my teeth in the morning, no matter how late it was, and showered at night, with music playing, as always.
The idea of not doing it disgusted me so much that it outweighed my desire to waste a little more time. As a child, I was the complete opposite; now, thank goodness I've changed.
Thursday and Friday passed uneventfully. It felt exactly like summer, only more boring and cold.
I considered doing my homework even more, but then I remembered there was no one to tell me what it was. And no one was going to come and give it to me either, so I could only guess what they had assigned, or do ALL the exercises on each page.
I wanted to kill time, not kill myself.
"Ugh… I have to swallow all this, can't I just skip to when I start going to class?" It was a bit ironic that I said that when I myself was avoiding going to class.
And to think that for once in my life I was willing to do homework. Studying was still too much for me, though.
The last thing I could do to distract myself was go out, but it was the same problem as helping around the house. Just thinking about having to get dressed made me tremble.
And even if I did go out, what would I do? I didn't find it very entertaining to wander around the streets like an idiot. Besides, if it was in the afternoon, I might run into someone from my class, or even from the school in general.
I know everyone's seen the video, but I don't know how many people know about Otsuki. Word of mouth has probably done its work again.
Here again, I'm most worried about Otsuki's friends. Who knows what they'll be saying about me. At first they were afraid of me, but now they probably hate me.
" Ah, a bug!", "How disgusting!". Imagining a face full of hatred and evil after having seen how scared they both were is very jarring.
"Surely no one wants me to go back to class..." Especially them... I thought.
I was staring at the ceiling, having just finished watching my fourth anime this week. It was actually quite good, especially considering how short it was.
Although the fact that they confessed that instead of saying they loved each other and blah blah blah…
Even with a friend, if you say that to her, I don't think she'll ever speak to you again.
" What? That's disgusting. Please don't come near me again, if you speak to me again I'll call the police."
"I haven't even had time to imagine myself saying anything."
A little scared after imagining another girl hating me to death, I put my hands to my face, rubbing my eyes, and got out of bed.
Yes, nobody wants him back… Especially them .
I thought about what I'd said recently, especially that last part. They hate me more than anyone. They won't forgive me after that. They don't want to see me again. They only wish the worst for me.
And I'm supposed to listen to them? Such rotten, selfish, deranged people. They're fucking psychopaths. Ignorant fools who think they live in a fairy tale.
I don't have to listen to them. No, it's not about listening to them, it's about what they wish for me, what they think of me. They think I'm a waste, a nuisance, a stubborn fool, an idiot. They want me to stay locked up here.
"…I'm going to do it." I clenched my fist forcefully…
I'm not going to let people like that make me feel so bad…
I could feel my body filling with energy, probably the energy I'd been storing up all week...
"I'm going out!…" At that moment, I was determined. I was going to go out, I had to go out. When I went out on Friday, I felt good. I might not go to class this Friday, since it's already happened, but I can definitely go out.
I started setting myself all sorts of goals. From today on, I'm going to go out every day, from today on, I'm going to help out at home, from today on, I'm going to do all my homework and study…
All my energy, I felt it coursing through my veins, it motivated me. I felt like… like…
"I'd better do it tomorrow!" …as all my energy vanished instantly.
Yes… starting tomorrow I'll do all that… now it's time to watch videos. I threw myself onto the bed, grabbing my phone from the counter, and lay down on my side, turning it on.
Well… At least I ended up reading a bit after being on my phone…