Marriage is old-fashioned and a waste of money. Living with an extra person raises your monthly expenditure, and it means you constantly have to worry about what they think and feel. You're taking on several huge responsibilities, and all you get in return is a little extra emotional security.
Even that emotional security can be taken away at the drop of a hat. Just because you're fighting, one of you starts cheating, or whatever else. If you were to call it all a massive con, that'd be putting it kindly.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want the human race to die out, and I get that you might think it's selfish to not marry or have kids, but you need to see the bigger picture here. Marriage is one of the least effective systems for continuing the human race.
Women's bodies are exhaustible, and a single couple won't have endless finances, so there's always a limit to how many children they can realistically birth and raise. It'd be a lot more efficient for a single rich man to go around impregnating as many women as he pleased to produce the most offspring.
Marriage is more like a luxury item. It shouldn't be seen as a necessity for producing children. If it's not necessary, then people who don't care for it (like me) shouldn't need to force themselves into it. Not that I'd ever have the chance to get married.
Or well, that's what I used to think.
"So anyway, I'm gonna marry Murasaki Shikibu-sensei," I told Ozu firmly.
"Uh, you maybe wanna slow things down a bit?" Ozu replied. Firmly.
It was mid-July, and Ozu and I were in an empty classroom that morning, too early for any other students to be there yet. There was a sheen of sweat on my friend's forehead. Must've been the heat, and definitely not my super serious and realistic declaration of marriage.
"Sorry, could ya say that again? Think I have wax in my ears..."
"I've decided to marry Murasaki Shikibu-sensei."
"Now say it like it's a presidential tweet."
"Marrying MurasakiShikibuSensei soon, a very fine woman. Great news!"
"Now in German."
"Ich werde Frau Shikibu Murasaki heiraten."
"So what you're saying is...I gotta call a doctor."
As he wasn't convinced I made the decision voluntarily, Kohinata Ozuma (AKA Ozu) declared he would get a second opinion. I couldn't have picked a better best friend. He was blessed with both great looks and a great personality, meaning he was all set for life in our society. Not only was he my only friend, but he was the Alliance's prodigious programmer, and one of the cornerstones of our group.
He'd been through a lot to get here, but nowadays he was the super-popular protagonist of the dating sim that was his life. Well, he was too dense to actually score any dates from it. But that didn't make me jealous at all, since I was the one who brought about this situation in the first place. That's also not an important enough story to get into right now.
"Please don't. You're exaggerating!"
"Look, something's obviously wrong with your head. Ah, I got it! Mind control!"
"You gotta cut back on the porn."
"Hey, it's the only explanation that makes sense. Why else would you wanna marry Murasaki Shikibu-sensei?"
"Don't you think you're being a little unfair to my future wife?"
"There's nothing wrong with her personality. She's nice enough, she's smart, she's good at talking and drawing..."
"Right? The perfect woman!"
"...But everything else about her is awful!" Ozu finished bluntly.
"Now, I get what you're saying. She runs away from her problems, is too opinionated about anime, starts giving out Ted Talks on yaoi that no one asked for whenever she feels like it, reads too many doujinshis about young boys which is bad enough on its own except she's also a teacher, never tidies, never keeps deadlines, is an awful drunk, is annoying, and gets mad for no reason all the time, but..."
"Don't you think you're being a little unfair to your future wife?"
"This is why it's gonna work," I said decisively.
Marriage is inefficient and old-fashioned. I always stuck fast to that opinion, but for the first time ever I actually wanted to get married. For the first time, I felt like it was the right thing to do: to marry Murasaki Shikibu-sensei, AKA Kageishi Sumire.
"Aki..." Ozu sighed and looked me right in the eye. "You're serious, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"You're really gonna pick Murasaki Shikibu-sensei over Iroha?"
"Yes. I don't know what Iroha's got to do with it, though."
Iroha was Ozu's little sister. To me, she was just a kouhai who happened to be my best friend's sister. If I wasn't going to date Mashiro, who had declared her love for me and was now doubling down on her attempts to woo me, why would he think I wanted to get with Iroha?
"And, as usual, you're gonna be stubborn about it. Y'know, I was really hoping you'd end up with Iroha. But well, if you're in love with Murasaki Shikibu-sensei, guess that's that. It's your future."
"Yes. Wait, no."
"Huh?"
"What do you mean I'm 'in love' with her?"
"Well... You are, right?"
"Of course not."
"What? But you keep going on about marrying her."
"You're jumping to conclusions. This isn't going to be an ordinary marriage."
"Oh. Great!"
The sudden relief on his face was a sure sign I wasn't clear enough before. I decided to explain myself.
"There's no way I could marry Murasaki Shikibu-sensei for love, right? Obviously I'm just marrying her for her body."
"Great! Wait, not great."
I thought I was making perfect sense this time, but apparently not. At this rate, we were going to be here all day. It would be quicker just to start explaining things from the very beginning. Maybe I did come out of left field. Any third party reading this might have been just as confused.
"All right, Ozu. I'll start from the beginning. It all began on the evening of the drama fair..."
"Please...marry me," Murasaki Shikibu-sensei asked on her hands and knees.
I heard a plate smash behind me.
"Wh-What did she just say?"
"Sumire-chan-sensei?"
Mashiro and Iroha gasped behind me. You guys better pay me back for that plate.
"I know it's a shock, Akiteru-sama! But please let me explain," Sumire began, a grave expression on her face.
I held up a hand to cut her off. "No need."
"What?"
"I think I can guess what happened."
I was someone who kept on learning, and I was pretty clued in to what was going on around me. This was clearly one of those run-of-the-mill romantic comedy problems! For a while now, everything in my life had seemed like one big clichéd development after another, each one laughing in the face of reality.
My fake girlfriend. Her confession. Her stubbornness. A drama club full of girls asking for my help. Both leads in the play being unable to perform, forcing Iroha and me to take their places. Statistically, all of these were close to impossible events, but at this point something normal happening to me would be much stranger.
There had to be some kind of weird anomaly messing with my life. One that insisted on putting me through the usual fare for the protagonist of a romcom series. The sort that'd be on its third volume by now. Maybe agreeing to fake-date Mashiro had been the trigger. I'd stumbled into a strange parallel world.
Why should I be surprised by my homeroom teacher proposing marriage?
"Let me guess. You're gonna pitch me a perfect H-game scenario."
"That's not funny! I'm serious, and this is really happening!"
"Maybe I'll write this down and we could put it in Koyagi."
"Why won't you listen?!" Sumire scowled at me as she clung to me. "Why don't you tell me what happened then, Mr. Know-It-All?!"
"I'll give it a try."
"Go on, then!"
"I will!"
"Do it!"
"Your parents arranged a marriage for you, but you hate the guy. So you wanna tell your folks you're already marrying someone, just so you don't have to marry their choice."
"My parents set me up with some guy I hate, and I wanna tell 'em I'm already marrying someone else so it doesn't go through!"
There was a pause.
"Wait. I was right?"
"How did you knoooow?! Do you have psychic powers? Are you telepathic?!" Sumire wailed, her eyes wide.
I really wasn't surprised at this point.
"It's a cliché. That's how I knew."
"Don't talk about it like it's some stupid novel! This is my life! And it's ruined!"
"Yeah, yeah..."
I studied Sumire from the top of her trembling head to the tip of her toes. It was hard to tell when she was in Murasaki Shikibu-sensei mode, what with her plain jersey and glasses, but... She had a good body. Her chest was large but not saggy, and her figure rivaled any model's. Both her youthful energy and her mature sexiness made her attractive on multiple levels. She was totally a looker when she was in teacher mode. Subtle make-up, well-dressed, not even a harsh glare or distant words could hide that. She could probably ask any guy out, and ninety percent'd agree in a heartbeat.
"Listen, Sumire-sensei, you're only twenty-five, right? It's not unusual these days to be single at that age. Plus, you're plenty good-looking, so I don't think there's any ru—" I squealed as each side of my stomach was pinched.
"What's the matter, Senpai?"
I turned to find Iroha grinning at me and Mashiro avoiding my gaze. If I wasn't mistaken, they were several feet closer to me than before, and well within pinching-distance. I decided to ignore them and focus on Sumire.
"I don't think there's any rush," I repeated. "You can probably find tons of men who'd want to marry you."
"I know twenty-five is still young in most cases, but my family's different!"
"Different how?"
"They live deep in the mountains, secluded from the modern world. They haven't really caught up with this era yet..." Sumire's gaze turned wistful. "They're still so old-fashioned about a lot of things. I guess you'd call it 'traditional.' Or maybe 'out of touch'..."
"In other words, they think the younger you get married, the better."
"Bingo. I've been keeping them back for years by saying I want to focus on my career, but they're starting to put their foot down..."
"Sumire-sensei..."
Her face was drained of all color, and her head flopped in despair. I frowned uneasily. She was always the most lively of the Alliance, so it was easy to forget, but she was one of us too. Sumire was also a victim of her family not allowing her to pursue her real dreams.
It took a long time to persuade her to lend us her talents after I met her that one summer, and it was only through that process that I discovered the true feelings lurking behind her carefree mask. Sumire constantly had to hide who she truly was, and I could only imagine how absolute her parents' traditions must have been. The look on her trembling face right now told a clear story.
"And that's why you proposed to me. Because if I marry you, you won't have to marry whoever your parents picked out for you."
"Yes! That's right! I don't wanna get married yet! I already know who I want to dedicate my life to!"
I heard Mashiro gasp behind me. The next thing I knew, a small hand was tugging on the hem of my shirt.
"I don't like this," a quiet voice whispered in my ear. "Sumire-sensei's trying to get with you!"
"Don't be silly, Mashiro. There's no way—"
"You'll have to be her fake fiancé! That's getting too close... Even if she doesn't like you now, a fake relationship like that can change the way she sees you."
"Come on, remember who we're talking about here! That's impossi...bluh?"
A quiet voice in the back of my mind told me that I had a pretty bad track record of determining what was impossible. Best ignore it. I turned back to Sumire.
"There's already someone you want to 'dedicate' your life to? I didn't know you were crushing on anyone."
"Huh? O-Oh, um, yeah..." Sumire looked away and squirmed, her cheeks reddening.
Was she twenty-five or twelve? I wondered if her crush might be fictional, but the way she spoke about her favorite characters didn't quite give me the impression she was in love with any of them.
"So you do have a crush? On someone who actually exists?"
"Oh, this is embarrassing... I've never told you guys..." Sumire wouldn't stop glancing at me, and the pink tinge under her glasses showed no signs of fading.
Sumire was more into shipping than waifus and husbandos. If she saw any traits she admired in a character, she'd rather pair them with someone else than claim them for herself. Even when she was at the peak of hype over a certain character, she'd never hog a character and instead shipped 'em with others.
But now here she was claiming she had a crush on somebody. I wasn't the only one equal parts curious and terrified to see what she was about to say. Iroha and Mashiro were holding their breath behind me.
"I like...Arashima-kun from...Mechanical Pencil Jin-kun..."
"Okay."
"I'll tidy up that plate, Mashiro-senpai. Be careful not to step on any pieces, okay?"
"I'll help. Where's the dustpan and broom?"
"Don't ignore meeeeeeeee!" Sumire tried to grab all three of us at once, but Iroha and Mashiro slipped away from her hold, leaving her clinging to me with tears and snot running down her face.
She deserved it. Mechanical Pencil Jin-kun was a children's anime that ran on a Friday night and was popular among all ages. It was a comedy anime about a bunch of mischievous preschoolers, and Arashima-kun always got into arguments with Jin-kun, the main character. He had good looks, was a bit of an airhead sometimes, and he was also a tsundere. But yeah, most of all, he was a preschooler.
"I should've known better than to take you seriously. Now leave me alone."
"Wait! This really is serious, I swear!"
"Shut up! It's your fault for admitting you have a crush on a fictional preschooler. How the heck am I supposed to take you seriously after that?"
"What are you talking about? He's the perfect shota! Cheeky and tsundere!"
"Are you even listening to yourself right now? You're a teacher!"
"Look, if I get married, I'll lose all my free time. You know that wives just end up like slaves, right? I'll have to do all the chores, raise the kids, and then be stolen away by my father-in-law, my husband's coworkers, and the hot guy from next door to be violated. They'll record everything and send it to my husband later!"
"That's never gonna happen. Snap out of those manga-induced delusions."
"All I'm saying is that I don't wanna get married yet! Just pretend to be my fiancé for a bit, okay? I promise it'll all be pretend! I don't wanna have to touch you or anything either, you know!"
"Now you're making me mad," I said. I felt the same way about her, of course, but it still hurt.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I know you've got zero experience whatsoever, but I need you to be my fiancé."
"You didn't have to point that out. Anyway, how is this even gonna work?"
"It's simple!" Sumire puffed out her large chest proudly and grinned at me. "Akiteru-sama. How old are you right now?"
"Huh? I'm sixteen."
"Right? So in other words, I'm way out of your league."
"Shoulders or back? Your choice."
"W-Wait. Lemme finish before you start targeting my pressure points! And stop cracking your knuckles!"
"Well, hurry up and get to the point then, or I'm gonna lose my patience!"
"Okay, I get it! So, you're sixteen. You're not allowed to get married for another two years."
"Ah, I see."
If Sumire's family were as strict as they sounded, then they would probably pressure her to marry any fiancé she introduced to them as soon as possible. If she introduced them to somebody who legally couldn't get married, that wouldn't be an issue.
"I get you. But there are still a ton of problems."
"Like what?"
"Your family are all teachers. Are you really gonna go up to them and say 'Hey, I'm dating one of my students'?"
"Not a problem! They take education seriously, but they wouldn't deny true love just because we're teacher and student."
"That's, uh, pretty open-minded of them." That was the politest way I could put it, anyway.
"It wouldn't be the first time, so no one'll report it either."
"What?!"
So she was saying there was already one teacher (or more?) in her family who married their student? I could only pray they taught at a high school and nothing younger.
"Still, this isn't a solution. This entire song and dance'll just repeat in two years' time."
"I know that. I just want to deal with the here and now! Let future-me worry about future problems."
"So this is why you can't keep deadlines."
"Happiness is all that matters. I might even get married someday, but not to the person my parents picked out for me!" Sumire said determinedly. "If I marry their choice, I'll have to be the same Sumire to my husband as I am to my family. I won't be able to be my true self, Murasaki Shikibu-sensei. It's gonna be torture, having to wear a mask every waking moment of my life!"
"Why don't you just tell him after the wedding? 'By the way, I'm actually a massive weirdo!'" Iroha asked, broom now in hand.
"I can't. He thinks he's getting a sophisticated beauty, and then I show him the real me? It'd be bait-and-switch! What if he takes me to court? Then my family will definitely find out!"
"At least you know you're trash." I was impressed at her self-awareness.
"I understand how you feel, though..." Mashiro spoke up in a small voice. She was clutching the dustpan to her chest and peered out from behind Iroha's back. "I want to be completely honest with the man I marry. ...Right, Aki?"
"Why're you asking me?"
"I think you know why..." Mashiro looked at me tenderly with a soft, bashful smile.
"Well, yeah, but..." I couldn't look her in the eye.
Tsukinomori Mashiro. The 05th Floor Alliance was looking to find employment at Honeyplace Works. Its CEO said he would gladly have us, but I had to be Mashiro's fake boyfriend until we graduated high school. She was the CEO's daughter and my cousin. Oh, I forgot to mention something. Our relationship was supposed to be fake, but somewhere along the line she fell in love with me.
Although I rejected her, that hasn't stopped her from doubling down on her role and stubbornly trying to get me to fall for her.
Mashiro was staring at me steadily. Everything seemed to be progressing in slow motion. I was really starting to get tired of the instincts and urges that came packaged with puberty. I knew I didn't have any feelings for Mashiro, but when she (or any cute girl for that matter) stared at me with such sultry eyes, my heart began to pound in what was undeniably excitement. If she kept this up, maybe I really would fall for her.
Fortunately, she couldn't.
"O-Okay, I'm done. I-Iroha-chan, let's tidy up that plate."
"Huh? Oh, right! Okay!"
Mashiro couldn't keep up her alluring act for more than three—wait, scratch that—one minute before she got too embarrassed to continue and had to run away. It was in part due to her naturally shy nature, but either way, it saved me a ton of trouble.
I sighed and looked back at Sumire. "Honestly, I get where you're coming from when you say you want to be honest with your husband, Sumire-sensei."
"You do?! Does that mean you'll do it?!"
"Sure. I'll be your fake fiancé." Just then, a very clear, prophetic image flashed through my mind. "Wait a sec..."
Sumire mentioned that a wife was often nothing more than a slave, and so marriage would deprive her of her spare time. Did that mean she was one of those people who believed a wife had to do whatever her husband asked of her? Because that would make things a whole lot easier...
"Maybe marrying you wouldn't be so bad after all."
"Huh?"
"Yeah. I mean, if we really did end up marrying after all this, I don't think I'd mind too much."
Crash!
The fragments of plate that Mashiro and Iroha had so carefully brushed into the pan fell to the floor once again.
"Senpai?! What the heck are you saying?!"
"Wait a second, Aki. Being her fake fiancé should already be a stretch for you, but..."
"But nothing. Think about it. If a wife has to do what her husband says, then if we get married, I'll have an endless stream of illustrations all done within the deadline. All we have to do is sign a piece of paper, and I'll never have to worry about badgering her again!"
I could feel three pairs of eyes staring at me like I was crazy. Iroha's gaze in particular ticked me off. As if she had the right to judge anyone's sanity.
"I mean, when you put it like that... I won't have to come up with a plan B for when my family gets on my back again, so works for me. That doesn't mean I'm gonna let you work me into the ground for those drawings, but being able to fool my family in exchange is a pretty juicy deal."
"Hold it right there, Sumire-chan-sensei! I think you need to seriously reconsider! Senpai's a brute! A total wifebeater! You don't wanna sign any contract with him if you can help it! Think about the most hardcore hentai manga you've ever read, 'cause that's about as bad as he'll be!"
Too much information, Iroha.
"Sh-She's right, Sensei! Aki's a virgin who has no idea how to treat a lady! You two will be divorced within a week!"
What had these two heard about me that I didn't know? It was true I had no experience, but that didn't mean I was doomed to fail. Right?
"Come on, girls, I know who I'm dealing with. I make him madder than anyone! I know what happens when you get on his bad side." Sumire flashed Iroha and Mashiro a confident smile. "But he's still better than some random guy older than eighteen! And—eep! Stop pinching me, you two!"
"Sorry, Sumire-chan-sensei, but I can't just stand here and let you badmouth Senpai like that!"
"Yeah, you really need to lighten up!" Mashiro added, continuing to pinch Sumire's side.
"Q-Quit it! That tickles! Stop! I'm sensitive there! Noooo!"
They kept tickling her until Sumire was writhing on the floor in agonizing fits of giggles.
I sighed at the strangely endearing scene. "At least you guys have something to laugh about..."
"Anyway, that's what happened."
"Don't sweat it, Aki. Now you have something to laugh about too!"