Sumire: Thank you for the wonderful evening last night.
AKI: Think before you send a message that can be misinterpreted.
Sumire: One night of passion, and you think you're king of the bedroom? Funny, since I was totally dominating you last night.
Sumire: We're in a serious relationship now, you know. I need to make sure you can take it.
Sumire: I can picture it now. We go out to buy me a swimsuit, and you're so excited that you're panting like a dog.
Sumire: Hello?
System: Your message could not be delivered to the recipient.
OZ: Murasaki Shikibu-sensei just sent me this: HELP! AKI BLOCKED ME!
AKI: Ugh. Sorry for the trouble.
AKI: Send me any more harassment, and I'm sending screenshots to the cops.
Sumire: It's not harassment! I'm trying to talk to you like we're a real couple!
Sumire: I was gonna send the screenshots to my family to show them how in love we are!
Sumire: With these receipts, they'll never know we're just pretending!
AKI: So that's why you're not messaging me from your Murasaki Shikibu-sensei account?
Sumire: You got it. This is the account I use with my family.
AKI: Just don't do anything stupid, okay? You go too far with this and we're gonna have a ton of extra hoops to jump through.
Sumire: Don't worry! I got this! Just reply to me like we're all over each other!
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I was exchanging an endless, troublesome stream of LIME messages with Sumire after school that day. As usual, I was taking the shortest and quickest route home. It was that gross humid time between the rainy season and midsummer. The sun was scorching, and an uncomfortable sweat was clinging to my skin. Sumire's constant sexual harassment and tiresome pleading just made it all the more depressing.
I know what I said about marrying her in exchange for quicker drawings, but if I had to keep sending flirty messages just to keep up the pretense, maybe it was more trouble than it was worth. It wasn't just texts either. Sumire and I were going swimsuit shopping after this as part of the whole charade. Summer vacation started in two days, and Sumire was promising me a wonderful series of dates where we'd take the loveliest pictures together.
So by the time I reached my apartment building, I was already knee-deep in despair.
My phone vibrated yet again. I wanted to set it to mute, but then I realized it wasn't Sumire this time.
Mashiro: Let's have lots of fun during summer vacation ♡
Mashiro: Just be careful of heat stroke, okay? Drink lots, but make sure you have enough salt too.
Mashiro: And get plenty of sleep, even though it's yucky and hot! I want you to take care of yourself ♡
Are you supposed to be my girlfriend or my wife? Or even my mother? Mashiro's onslaught of smothering messages was just making me more depressed. Ever since I rejected her, she really was taking the girlfriend thing way too seriously. I mean, sure, I was a guy just like any other. Having an objectively beautiful girl like her sending me messages like this made me kind of happy. I just couldn't afford to get carried away right now; there was too much stuff I had to do.
I was fully focused on my one goal in life at the moment: to get every member of the 05th Floor Alliance, which created the mobile game Koyagi: When They Cry, an unconditional job offer at Honeyplace Works. Each member, whether because of their household, personality, or environment, was currently unable to make full use of their talent. I was going to get them a job at one of the largest companies in the industry to make sure that talent didn't go to waste.
I would do anything to make that happen in the quickest and most efficient way. That was why I couldn't afford to get sidetracked by the temporary pleasures that youth and high school threw my way.
I sent Mashiro a quick reply along the lines of "will do" before heading into my apartment, room 502.
"Huh?"
There was a familiar pair of loafers in the entranceway, but they weren't mine.
"She's here again?"
The stifling weather already put me in a bad mood and now I had to deal with a stifling personality too. Everyone around me loved to do whatever the hell they wanted without a thought for others. And by others, I mean me.
Whatever. I just wanted to have a shower and change out of my uniform into something cooler. If she was here already, she probably switched on the air conditioner in my room, which I guess was something. I pulled off my shoes and headed to my bedroom. I turned the knob.
"Huh? It's locked?"
"Oh, Senpai! Is that you?" an overly-innocent voice asked from the other side of the door.
So it was her. I couldn't say I was surprised. Everyone else I knew was too polite for this kind of ruffian behavior. It was, of course, Ozu's younger sister, and the phantom member of the 05th Floor Alliance. Every now and again she made me pause and think that maybe, just maybe, there was an inkling of goodness inside her. Deep, deep inside her. But mostly, she was the dictionary definition of troublesome.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend's little sister, Kohinata Iroha.
"Open the door."
"Just gimme half a sec, okay?! I'm getting changed!"
"In someone else's room?"
"Why does it matter? Y'know that having a high school girl gettin' changed in your room makes it, like, twice as valuable? I'm doing this for you!"
"That makes zero sense. You should've just gotten changed at your place before coming over."
"What? There's no way I could walk down the corridor like this! Unless that's exactly what you want, you perv!"
"What are you talking about? What the hell are you wearing?!"
If it wasn't something she could be seen in public wearing, then this could get dangerous.
"Duh! It's summer! Whaddya think?"
"Just tell me!"
"You know! They just came out with the new one, so I thought I'd try it!"
"New what?!"
Honestly, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I could already picture it.
A golden beach. The sun beating down on a scene of gentle waves, and shrill laughter riding on the wind. Iroha, running towards me and waving, leaving small footprints in the sand behind her. The other visitors to the beach, male and female alike, staring at her beautiful skin, only a small part of it hidden by her bikini.
The thin material of her bikini top doing all it could to hold her round boobs, and her long, smooth legs topped with what was barely thicker than a string. She was like a mermaid with legs come to life, or even—actually what was I picturing? This wasn't the time for delusions!
It really isn't normal to put on a bikini in someone else's house, right?
As a bastion of justice and purity, and a man with a heart of steel, I managed to cut my imagination off mid-vision, and now I was done having any kinky thoughts. I hoped she counted herself lucky, because I've seen women try this stuff in a certain flavor of manga and get jumped on in the second panel.
"I'm done! You can come in now!"
Finally, permission to go into my own room. I heard the door unlock from the other side. Gulp. All I needed to do was open the door and step inside. Just a moment ago, this door was like a slab of iron, but suddenly it seemed thin as paper. If I opened the door now, I'd see Iroha there in her swimsuit. I wasn't sure I could handle it.
Hold on a second. Why was I worrying so much about the boiling hot living room, the sticky sweat clinging to my uniform, or how I wanted to change into something clean? I totally could've just switched on the air conditioner in the living room! That'd make everything more bearable. I didn't have to play her games.
Hold on again! This was my room!
I knew just what to do. I'd close my eyes, ignore Iroha in whatever state she was in, take the shortest route to the closet, grab a towel and a change of clothes, then leave and go take a nice bath. Easy. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Revenge..."
"Gah!"
Wh-What was that?!
The moment I opened the door, a girl in a white robe barreled into my chest. The cool air in the room made my skin prickle. There was a strange clattering noise as the girl on my chest looked up at me. It was only now that I noticed the triangle of white paper plastered to her forehead. Her face was pale and her eyes were sunken in. Crimson blood dribbled from her mouth.
This zombie was clinging to my chest. A shiver raced up my spine. In a few seconds, her curse would kill me. I saw my life, memories, and regrets flashing before my eyes. How did this happen? Wasn't there supposed to be a hot babe in a bikini on the other side of my door?
If only I'd lived a more efficient life, I found myself wishing, and had time to experience even more.
I always wanted to travel. To play the games I told myself were a waste of time, and to watch those movies that caught my interest. I would never get to see how this season's anime would end, nor play the remake of that game I loved so much in elementary school.
More than anything else, I wish I could've gotten at least ten more drawings out of Murasaki Shikibu-sensei. Then the team would have everything they needed to see Makigai Namako-sensei's fifth scenario through to the end, and even without me, maybe they could finish... Is it just me, or is this inner monologue going on a bit too long? Why aren't I dead yet?
I cautiously opened my eyes. I realized the hands on my chest were warm.
"Oh my God! You were seriously terrified, weren't you? That's adorable!" The ghost spluttered with laughter.
"Wait, Iroha?!"
"You got it! I'm glad you're such a fan of Sadako! You oughta go see the new movie that came out! Look! You're even moved to tears!"
"I am not crying!"
"C'mon, no need to be shy! Boys are cute when they cry! And I'm the only one who gets to see you like this! Hnnngh! I can't bear it!" She guffawed and began to thump my chest. Yup, this was definitely Iroha and not a ghost. Even a poltergeist wouldn't be this unbearably annoying. "We even talked before you opened the door. You should've known it was me! But you still crapped yourself! Looks like I win this round!"
"D-Dammit..."
I had no words. I knew Iroha was in there before I opened the door, and I still ended up saying my final prayers when I actually saw her.
"It was that stupid voice you did! It's unfair how realistic it sounds!"
"What?" Iroha put one hand on my shoulder and stood up straight. "You mean this voice?"
"Nnrk! D-Don't whisper in my ear like that! Stay away from me!"
"Guess I found another weakness to add to the list!" Iroha grinned.
"It's too creepy, even when I know it's you. You really can play anything, can't you?"
"Oh, I have a whole range for a ton of different situations. I was kinda mad I couldn't do a decent scary voice without Otoi-san having to put some effect on it. So I practiced as much as I could in secret, 'cause I knew something like this'd make you shit bricks!"
"I admire your diligence, but I'm sure you have a better use for—"
"I love you, Senpai!"
"I said quit it!" I shoved her away from me.
"The madder you get, the more fun it is!" Iroha put up a white sleeve to her mouth and giggled.
Even through her perfect spectral make-up, the cheekiness of that grin shone through loud and clear. Right now she looked more like a friendly ghost than anything that was supposed to be scary. Also, did this mean she did that make-up by herself just to spook me? What a waste of talent.
"Look, your claims were misleading. When you say 'summer,' ghosts are like, the third thing I think of. You totally got my hopes up for nothing!"
"Oooh?" Iroha's grin widened.
"Wh-What?"
"I 'got your hopes up,' huh?"
"I didn't say that."
"You totally got my hopes up for nothing!"
"Why the heck were you recording?!"
"'Cause I know from experience it's the best way to bully you!" the ghost declared, waving the phone up in the air.
Sometimes I wish modern life wasn't so convenient.
By some miracle, I managed to suppress the urge to sock her.
"So maybe I did say it. So what?"
"What were you hoping for? Did you wanna see me in a super-revealing swimsuit or something, huh?"
"D-Don't be stupid. Who'd wanna see you in a swimsuit? You're just a kid."
"I dunno if I buy it." Iroha smirked. "What were you hoping for then?"
"Who cares? Shut up."
"Sure, I guess no one does care. Welp, that means I'll pick the answer I like best. I'll forever cherish this memory. Your disappointment 'cause I wasn't in a bikini, and then how you got so super duper flustered over it... And I'll never forget your pathetic look when you tried hiding it afterwards!"
"Ngh..."
"You can be honest, you know? Admit you hoped to see me in a swimsuit. Do that, and I'll keep remembering you as the adorable Senpai you are." Iroha sidled up to me and began to trace a line down my chest.
I was so mad, it didn't even feel ticklish. She was trying to sully my good name! I guess being honest with her here was better than being labeled a pervert in her mind for all eternity...
"Fine. I was hoping you'd be in a swimsuit," I admitted, my fists trembling.
"Oh?" Iroha said sweetly. "So you admit it? You wanted to see me in a swimsuit!"
"No, not quite!"
"Huh?"
"I wanted you to be in a swimsuit for reference purposes!"
"What?!"
I thrust my finger in Iroha's confused face. "I wanted to run a limited event for Koyagi, since it's summer, and for that I needed Murasaki Shikibu-sensei to draw me three pictures of our characters in swimsuits! She works at least twice as fast when she has a real-life reference! I was hoping you'd be in a swimsuit, so that I could take you straight to Murasaki Shikibu-sensei's place to be drawn!"
I came up with that on the spot, of course, and it was full of holes, but it was all I could do for now. It was way better than giving in and admitting I thought she was a hot babe!
"Ugh. At least gimme something I can argue with. Something that would contradict your personality and obsession with efficiency."
"My comeback was flawless. Time for you to shut up and take the loss!"
Iroha's only reaction was to pout. Guess I got her this time.
She pointedly looked away from me. "I-It's not like I care, anyway! I mean, it's summer vacation in a couple of days! There'll be tons of chances for me to mess with you! I'll be able to hang out in your room every single day!"
"Every day?!"
"Of course! There are a ton of manga I wanna read, and a ton of games I wanna play!"
"Eh, I can't really refuse you, then."
It was all to do with her home life. All forms of entertainment and anything relating to show business were banned in the Kohinata household, and it was all because of their mother, Otoha-san. Neither Ozu nor Iroha knew why, and it also meant that Iroha had no electronics other than her phone. No game consoles, no TV, no computer, no mp3 player...nothing.
At most, Ozu was allowed a computer to practice his programming on, but he wasn't allowed to access anything entertainment-related on it. If Iroha wanted to do anything fun at all, she would hang out in my room.
"Lookin' forward to a long summer with you, Senpai!" Iroha promptly threw herself onto my bed and began to loll around.
"Look, I'm not saying you can't come over, but does it really have to be every single day? Don't you have homework to do?"
"Sure I do! And I'll just do it here!"
"Why? At least leave your studying at home. It's not like you have any entertainment to distract you there."
"Um, I'm not stupid! I'm gonna do it here because of you! You're my senpai!"
"So?"
"You did all the same homework a year ago, right? You can just tell me the answers and then it'll be done! The teacher'll be like, 'Oh, Iroha-san, your homework is perfect as always! You sure you didn't come here from some parallel world and have a ton of meta knowledge?' And then I'll be like, 'Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about!' because I was so busy studying I don't have time to read that kinda stuff, you know?"
"You just love having the whole world wrapped around your little finger, huh? But I gotta admit, that does sound like the most efficient option."
In my opinion, summer homework never had anything to do with the exams we took. It was best just to get it done as soon as possible (properly or half-assedly, however you wanted), and then move on and use your time for something more valuable. Iroha's grades were great. In fact, I heard she was top of her year. Even if she cheated on her homework, I doubted that would change.
"It's totally efficient, right? So—"
"So nothing." I poked her in the forehead as she looked up expectantly at me.
"You won't help? Why not?!"
"Hey, I used up my precious time for my homework. It kinda pisses me off to think about you mooching off my hard work."
"Um, ever heard of generosity, Senpai?"
"Oh, come on! I'd have to give up my time again to teach you! There's literally nothing in it for me."
"Whaddya mean 'nothing'? You get to spend every day flirting with a hot girl like me!"
"I think the term you're looking for is 'pest.' Now get outta here! Come on!"
"H-Hey, quit it! Why do I hafta leave?!"
I rolled Iroha up in the sheets and towards the door.
"I wanna get changed. Get out."
"No! The living room's too hot!"
"Turn on the A/C, then!"
"It'll take too long to cool down! You don't even hafta get changed! Who cares if you're sweaty in your own apartment?"
"I don't care if it's my place, I don't wanna stink. And I doubt you'd wanna smell it either."
"What? You're that self-conscious about it?" Iroha crawled out from the bundle of sheets and towards me before sniffing at my uniform.
"Stop being a weirdo."
"I'm just sayin', you don't really smell that bad."
"Wait. Don't tell me you're into that kinda thing?"
"Always assuming the worst, huh? I get my fair share of stink from classmates after gym, or just the bad ones during class, so I know what I'm sniffin' for," Iroha said with a sigh.
She was right though; part of being a teenager meant smelling all kinds of people at school. I probably stank a little bit, but maybe not as much as some of the other people she came across on a daily basis. Not enough to put her off, anyway.
"Even if you don't care, I care. I don't wanna spend the rest of the day in this sweaty uniform either. Not when I have plans."
"Plans?"
"I'm going on a date with Sumire-sensei. Swimsuit shopping."
"What?! You didn't tell me!"
"Why would I?"
I brushed Iroha out of my way while she continued whining, and checked the time. It was five. Sumire finished her business at school at six, so we were due to meet at the mall at half past six.
"But you guys aren't actually engaged, right?"
"Of course we aren't. I wouldn't date someone like her in a million years!"
"So what's the point of goin' on dates?"
"We're trying to convince her family as best we can. Y'know, send them a couple photos of us having a great time. Trust me, I'm not happy about it either."
I already said I'd be her fake fiancé, though, so I might as well go along with this kind of stuff too.
"Huh. Makes sense, I guess. But!" Iroha broke into a grin. She stretched out her arms wide and stood in front of my bedroom door, blocking me off. "There's no way I'm gonna let you pass now!"
"What?"
"You can't go on a date if you still stink like that, right? And if you can't go on the date, you'll be in trouble! Which means it's my job to get in your way! Good luck changing or having a shower on my watch!"
"Talk about having a few screws loose..."
"Kabaddi, kabaddi!" Iroha laughed, blocking my way.
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Why couldn't I meet a normal girl for once?
Getting rid of Iroha wasn't all that difficult. I turned off the air conditioner until the bedroom was boiling hot, and then she ran away of her own accord. Finally free, I took that shower I'd been longing for and put on a fresh change of clothes.
"Ozu, I can feel that stupid grin on your face. What's up?"
"Mind if I ask something, Aki?"
"Go ahead."
"Why're you two always flirting so much?"
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