RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT
Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty.
Joey: No way! Mr. Salty is a sailor, all right? He's got to be, like, the toughest snack there is.
Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.
Roy: (grinning) Nah, I'd be Gushers. They're sweet until they explode. Very on brand for me.
Chandler: (mock serious) That's deeply unsettling, Roy. I'm never sharing snacks with you again.
Monica: (looking out the window, gasping) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!
Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!
Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.
Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Phoebe: How can people do that?... (ALL BUT PHOEBE AND ROY WALK AWAY FROM THE WINDOW IN DISGUST).
Phoebe: (grinning) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!
Roy: (squints) Oh no... he's bouncing. That is not how gravity boots are supposed to be used.
CENTRAL PERK
Chandler: I'm telling you, years from now, schoolkids are gonna study it as one of the greatest first dates ever. It was unreal. We were totally ourselves—no games, no pressure...
Monica: So... did you call her?
Chandler: What? Call her? And tell her I like her? Are you crazy? (The girls groan) It's the next day! How desperate do I want to seem? (to the guys) I'm right, right?
Joey + Ross: Oh yeah. Let her dangle.
Roy: (on the arm of the couch, smirking) Or... you could just call her like a normal person. Y'know, without the mind games.
Chandler: (mock offended) Gee, when did you become a girl?.
Monica: I seriously can't believe my parents are trying to set me up with one of you guys.
Phoebe: Just call her already! (grabs the phone) Stop being so... testosteroney.
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (dials, then quickly hangs up) I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No, interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
Phoebe: So... why didn't you leave a message?
Chandler: Oh no no no. Last time I left a spontaneous message, I said "Yes indeedy-o."
Roy: (grinning) That's rough. Sounds like something a cartoon cowboy would say mid-nervous breakdown.
Monica: (looking out the window) Look, look! It's Rachel and Barry. No—don't all look at once!
Ross: (spinning around instantly) Okay, okay, what's going on?
Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...
Ross: Yeah, but does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?
Phoebe: No... actually, he's smiling and—Oh my God! Don't do that!
Ross: What? What?! What?!
Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon!
Roy: (deadpan) That bird probably owed him money.
(Phoebe pinches him)
Rachel: (enters, slightly breathless) Hey...
Chandler: (pretending he was in the middle of something important) ...And basically, that's how a bill bec
ALL: Oh!... Right!
Chandler: Hey Rach!
Monica: How'd it go?
Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh... it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken where, y'know, you poke it and all the butter squirts out...
Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...
Roy: Or arteries.
Rachel: Then we walked down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me this tiny bottle of Chanel...
Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers, and to generally leave you alone, hmm?
Rachel: Right... well... we never actually got to that. Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice.
Ross: That's—that's nice twice!
Monica: Rachel, what's going on? Isn't this the same Barry you left at the altar?
Joey: Duh. Where've you been?
Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! He wasn't like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?
(Ross elbows Chandler.)
Chandler: Yes!
Rachel: Why?
Chandler: I have my reasons.
Roy: (shrugs) If those reasons include "he's engaged to your ex-best friend," I'm with you.
Monica: Exactly! Okay, how about that? He's engaged. To another woman. Who also used to be your best friend?
Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right. I know it's stupid! I'll go see him this afternoon, and I'll just... put an end to it.
RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL)
Chandler: (on the phone; reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (rattles some dishes) Bye bye. (hangs up) Oh God!
Monica:That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!
Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!
Ross: What was with the dishes?
Chandler: Oh, uh... I wanted her to think I might be in a restaurant, y'know? Like I have a life. Like I haven't been sitting here rehearsing messages all night.
Roy: Because nothing says "I'm doing fine" like aggressively clanking silverware near a phone.
Monica: (looks out the window) Look, look! He's doing it again—the guy with the telescope!
Phoebe: Oh my God! (walks to window) Go away! (gesturing) Stop looking in here!
Monica: Great. Now he's waving back.
Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff.
Monica: What kinda stuff..?
Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff—like when I'm cooking naked.
Phoebe: You cook naked?
Joey: Yeah—toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
(A beat. Everyone slowly turns to look at Chandler.)
Chandler: What? What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
Roy: (leans in) I did. I just chose to forget
RACHEL+MONICA'S (ENTER CHANDLER CLUTCHING PHONE
Chandler: Can I use your phone?
Monica: Yeah… uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.
(Chandler dials his own number. It rings.)
Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?
Joey: Maybe she never got your message.
Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if it has a lot of beeps, that probably means she didn't get her messages yet.
Chandler: You don't think that makes me seem a little…
Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?
Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.
(He calls. They wait.)
Phoebe: How many beeps?
Chandler: She answered.
Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.
Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her. She obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.
Roy: (sipping coffee) Next stop: tragic poem and a jazz CD collection.
Joey: Or a cat.
Roy: Worse. Poetry about the cat.
(ENTER RACHEL)
ALL: Hey! Hi!
Phoebe: How'd he take it?
Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (WANDERING INTO KITCHEN)
Monica: (WANDERING IN AFTER HER) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair?
Rachel: Oh, do I?
Monica: Uh huh.
Rachel: (LOW VOICE)....We ended up having sex in his chair.
Monica: You had SEX in his CHAIR?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?
Ross: You— you had what?
Phoebe: Sex in his chair.
Ross: What, uh… what were you thinking?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. It's like you and Carol.
Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say?
(Ross flounders)
Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.
Roy: (mock serious) Just disinfect it first. We've all seen what Rachel's capable of with furniture.
Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally different situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's— it's orthodontists and lesbi— I gotta go.
Phoebe: Where are you going?
Ross:(going) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam-packed schedule, and I am late— for keeping up with it. Okay?
(EXIT ROSS. A PHONE RINGS. CHANDLER DIVES FOR HIS PHONE)
Chandler: Hello? Hello?
(Rachel picks up their phone... and the ringing stops. As she talks on the phone, a visual gag unfolds.)
Rachel: Hello? Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. Really? Oh. Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and… okay… great… great… all right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! Okay… okay… bye. (sits down heavily) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Chandler: So how's Mindy?
Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow… Oh, she sounded really weird. I gotta call Barry… (does so) Hi, it's me, I just— Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!
Roy:(to Chandler, sipping coffee) You're right, man. Being needy is one thing. Being needy and tangled in dental floss? That's advanced level.
RACHEL AND MONICA'S MORNING
(ENTER MONICA, WHO CREEPS UP NEXT TO CHANDLER)Monica: Brrrrrr!(CHANDLER CLUTCHES AT HIS PHONE BEFORE REALISING)Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.
(ENTER JOEY)Joey: He's back! The peeper's back!
(ENTER RACHEL FROM HER BEDROOM)Joey:(ducking) Get down!
Rachel: Get down?
Chandler: …And boogie!
Roy: (peeking out the window) Y'know, he's either got a telescope or he's really into Joey's toast-making technique.
Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.
Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together… she taught me how to kiss…
Joey:(intrigued) Yeah?
Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like… I'm like the other woman! I feel so…
Joey: …Naughty!
Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later…
Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and… were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or—(EXIT RACHEL, SLAMMING DOOR IN HIS FACE)Joey: That's fine, yeah…
Roy: (deadpan) Honestly, you had that coming the moment you said "uniform."
(EXIT JOEY)
Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?
Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?
Chandler: Hey, we haven't even been on a second date—she needs to hear me pee?
Roy: You could hum over the sound. Really throw her off.
Monica: Why don't you just call her?
Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.
Monica: Do you?
Roy: Survey says... nope.
Chandler: No! (calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone.Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. Okay. (puts down phone) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (does a little jig) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...
Monica: Don't you have to pee?
Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...
Roy: The bladder boogie—classic move under pressure.
MONICA AND RACHEL'S (PHOEBE AND ROSS ARE DOING
CROSSWORDS. MONICA IS COOKING. CHANDLER IS STILL STARING AT HIS
PHONE
Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop."
Chandler: Ring, dammit, ring!
Ross: Thanks.
(ENTER JOEY)
Joey: Hey, you know our phone's not working?
Chandler: What?!
Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.
Chandler:(investigating) I turned it off. Mother of God, I turned it off!
Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler gives her a look) ...Just pointing out the irony.
Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and talked to the doorman—got the peeper's name! Can I use the phone?
Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!!
Joey:(to Monica) Can I use your phone? (on phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, please.
Ross: "Heating device."
Phoebe: Radiator.
Ross: Five letters.
Phoebe: Rdtor.
Joey: Yeah, is Sidney there? Oh, this is? (to the gang) Sidney's a woman.
Monica: So she's a woman! So what?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (to phone) Look, I live across the street, and I know all about you and your little telescope, and I don't appreciate it, okay? Yeah, I can see you right now! Hello! If I wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, I shouldn't have to feel like—Thank you, but... that's not really the point... The point is that... mostly free weights, but occasionally...
Monica: Joey!!
Joey:(still on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress.
Monica: The green dress? Really?
Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.
Monica:(waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo!
Roy:(casually walking in, hearing the tail end) She said what? Ingrid Bergman? You must've been rocking that dress.
Monica: Well, that's flattering, but... I'm just trying to ignore the fact that some stranger across the street has been spying on us.
Roy: You could always borrow my laser pointer and mess with them. At least make it a little more fun for yourself.
Chandler:(deadpan) Oh, great idea, Roy. Because the last thing we need is an even creepier situation
CENTRAL PERK
Joey: Alright, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut?
(ENTER DANIELLE)
DANIELLE: Chandler?
Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh, everybody, this is Danielle, Danielle, everybody.
ALL: Hi. Hi.
Chandler: What are you doing here?
DANIELLE: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd just come down here, and make sure you were okay.
Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay.
DANIELLE: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later?
Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you—or you call me, whatever...
DANIELLE: You got it.
Chandler: Okay.
DANIELLE: G'bye, everybody.
ALL: Bye.
Phoebe: Whoo-hoo!
Monica: Yeah, there you go!
Ross: Second date!
Chandler: ...I dunno.
Rachel: You DON'T KNOW?
Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that?
(THEY ALL GROAN AND HIT HIM.)
Roy:(grinning as he leans back) Chandler, buddy, "needy" is when you're still texting your ex after she's moved on. This? This is just a girl checking in on you. Honestly, it's sweet.
Chandler:(mockingly) Oh, right, sure, Roy, you're the expert on this. You've been, what, living the free spirit life with no emotional baggage?