"The moonless night is best for murder, the wind-swept sky perfect for arson! But neither compares to a good old-fashioned robbery!"
Perched atop a shipping container at the deserted fisherman's wharf, Guoguo recited with dramatic flair.
A few nearby appliances exchanged bewildered glances before exclaiming in unison, "Splendid verse! A true reincarnation of Li Bai himself!"
"Get lost, all of you!" Chen Mo rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath how even common thuggery had become a poetic art form these days.
Fortunately, the area was under Nono's soundproof protection, so no matter how drunkenly raucous the appliances became, they would remain undetected.
Roughly two hundred meters away, Chang Jinya was engaged in a clandestine exchange with a foreign man—presumably the so-called Thomas.
After a few perfunctory pleasantries, Thomas began examining the goods with great care. They were exquisite antiques, including two pieces of top-grade jadeite.
Seizing a rare moment of respite, Chang Jinya wiped the sweat from his brow and turned to the two middle-aged Taoists beside him. "Master Wang, Master Lin, I truly appreciate your efforts tonight."
Since the jadeite had been acquired from creatures suspected to be demons, ever-cautious Chang Jinya had, on recommendation, hired the two Taoists as added protection.
In response, the bearded Master Wang pounded his chest with exaggerated bravado. "Fear not, Benefactor Chang! My brother and I have roamed the martial world for decades—never once have we failed!"
Master Lin, exuding a rougher edge, echoed his sentiment, "Indeed! Don't worry, Old Chang. A few monsters? We'll cut them down like weeds—one comes, we slay one; two come, we slay both. Not a single one will leave standing!"
"Uh… are you two really Taoists?" Chang Jinya couldn't help rolling his eyes. Were they ex-gangsters or something? They seem even more menacing than I am.
Still, despite his inner doubts, he felt somewhat reassured and returned to Thomas's side.
Thomas had just finished his inspection. In clumsy Mandarin, he gave a thumbs-up. "Mr. Chang! These antiques are excellent, especially the jadeite. As agreed—payment and goods, simultaneous exchange."
With a snap of his fingers, his bodyguard stepped forward with a secure case.
Chang Jinya beamed, opening his arms to receive it.
But just as the transaction was about to be sealed, a piercing, maniacal laugh suddenly echoed through the night air above the wharf.
"Damn it!" Chang Jinya paled, instinctively ducking behind the Taoists.
His bodyguards moved faster still, drawing their pistols and aiming toward the source of the sound.
Amid the converging barrels of dozens of guns, a round, plump figure leapt onto the container, chanting theatrically:
"This mountain I claim, this tree I plant! You wish to pass—"
"Damn it, I haven't even finished!"
Only a fool would let it finish.
A torrent of bullets erupted, a metal storm tearing through the stillness, lighting the night with the fury of gunfire.
With a wail, Guoguo crumpled under the hail of bullets, falling slowly like a fallen hero beneath a barrage.
Yet, like a martyred revolutionary, it struggled upright, only to crash dramatically back down.
Chang Jinya and Thomas exchanged glances, both visibly relieved. Well, that was easier than expected. This idiotic demon—no brains, no defense. Might as well be a stray dog.
But then, the absurd happened.
Before their stunned eyes, the supposedly slain rice cooker slowly rose again, laughing heartily. "So? How was my performance? Quite convincing, right? Want to go again?"
"Pfft!" Chang Jinya nearly coughed up his organs.
Before he could bellow in outrage, the bodyguards opened fire once more, either in fury or fear.
This time, Guoguo made no move to evade. Instead, just before the hailstorm landed, it opened its mouth wide.
A sudden flash of green light flared. A vortex of wind burst from it, forming a furious tornado centered on the rice cooker.
In an instant, the front line of bodyguards were lifted off the ground, flung upward like rag dolls.
At the same time, a bolt of lightning struck from nowhere, scattering through the ranks like wildfire.
As dust filled the air, a Dodge Tomahawk motorcycle roared into view, storming through the chaos like an iron beast.
Poor Thomas happened to be in its path. He let out a final scream before being launched in a graceful arc—straight into the sea.
"Boundless heavens!" cried the Taoists. At last, they joined the fray.
With solemn chants, dozens of talismans swirled into the air, transforming into elemental forces—earth, water, fire, and wind—all converging upon the intruders.
The sentient motorcycle skidded into the range of the attack, screamed in protest, and retreated hastily. "My headlights! My precious headlights! Damn you all, they're expensive!"
"Damn it…" the Taoists nearly rolled their eyes mid-battle.
But sensing the vehicle demon had lost its momentum, their spirits surged. With renewed vigor, they unleashed another barrage of talismans as though on a mission to burn through their life savings.
Amidst the rainbow-hued chaos, the bodyguards, emboldened, resumed their assault under Chang Jinya's shouts, forcing Guoguo and the motorcycle into a brief scramble.
"Enough! Do you take me for a sick cat just because I've been quiet?"
Enraged, Guoguo soared into the sky, roaring, "Heaven and Earth converge, all laws return to one! Ghosts rise in the east, magic surges from the west…"
As it chanted, its body swelled midair like a prelude to a final, devastating technique.
Alarmed, the guards retreated, and even the Taoists braced for impact.
But then, with a sudden screech, the seemingly invincible rice cooker turned tail and fled, shouting, "Retreat! Now!"
"…Seriously?"
Everyone stared in disbelief for a moment, then broke into chaotic pursuit.
The two Taoists, least athletic among them, lagged behind. Just as they panted with fatigue, a voice rang out behind them:
"Hey, miss, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
"No clothes?" Driven by instinct, the Taoists turned. The bodyguards glanced back too, curiosity piqued.
They were quickly disappointed. No naked beauty, not even a barely dressed meme.
Just a laptop. A laptop with a glowing screen, playing Autumn in My Heart.
A sudden wave of eerie green light pulsed from the screen, the television image shimmering into a physical illusion.
Before they could defend themselves, the Taoists were struck, frozen in place.
Seconds passed. Then their expressions contorted bizarrely.
On screen, the drama's protagonists stared longingly into each other's eyes…
…and the Taoists mirrored them.
They embraced tenderly. They kissed—passionately, deeply, like lovers torn by fate.
The crowd went collectively insane.
Dear heavens, dear earth—those are two unshaven middle-aged men!
As the tongues intertwined and the moans echoed faintly, Chang Jinya wept bitterly, wishing he could gouge his eyes out. His guards looked skyward in despair, praying for a lightning bolt to strike them all into ash.
"So… this is Benben's illusion attack?"
From atop a nearby container, Chen Mo shivered at the sight.
With the infusion of cyan energy, the once-bricklike laptop had gained the power to trap enemies in fabricated scenes from film and television.
Once caught, victims would act out the scenes based on instinct.
Of course, it only worked if their will was weak—or if they weren't on guard.
Just like these two Taoists.
Originally, Benben had suggested playing Japanese AVs, but Chen Mo wisely vetoed the idea to spare everyone's sanity.
A good call—otherwise, it wouldn't have been vomiting, but mass suicide by sea.
Still, the effect was staggering.
Sensing Benben's targeting shift, Chang Jinya and his men let out shrieks and scattered in all directions, desperate to sprout extra legs.
"Freeze! Nobody move!"
With Nono's thunderous shout, all fleeing parties instinctively dropped to the ground.
"One more step… and we play Romance in the Rain!"