Have you ever heard of soulmates? Those destined for you or made by God?
I've asked myself so many times whether they exist or if they are just fragments of our imagintion.
A lot of what ifs crowd my mind--what if soulmates never meet in a lifetime? What if we keep passing each other, never connecting, because meeting would break some cosmic balance?
And God that's another question. Is He real, or just something we invented when we couln't explain the world? If He exists, why leave us here in chaos, mocking Him?
There are over 40 millio religions, but i've narrowed it down to three: Judaism, Christainity, or Islam. The others? Harder to believe. One glace at a powerful person, and suddenly they're a god.
If God is real, then the devil is the world's best manipulator--selling suffering as peace, luring us into his trap.
Enough i gotta stop living in my head.
"My name is Rose and yeah, i'm just heading to college after being seperated from my high school love -- my first and only love. But that's nt even the harsh part. The real hell? Being forced to study something i don't want."
A loud noise bangs through the room, snapping me back to reality.
"Fuck, i need to stop talking to myself like i'm narrating a story to an audience and just...make actual friends"
But nonne of them get me. Every conversation feels forced.
"Maybe my best friend's out there, waiting like my soulmate. Hah." I laugh bitterly. "Or maybe i'm hoping for the impossible. Maybe i should just accept this dissappointing life."
Lately the depression been creeping in, but i refuse to wallow. "I'll make money. I'll run away. I'll fulfil my dream-- the one i've had for 16 years."
"Rose!" Mom's voice cuts through the door.
"Ma i'm coming" i sigh
I'm angry at her, but i can't stay angry. One "i love you baby" from her, and resentment melts. That' he pain of mother-child love--unbreakable, no matter what.
"Where are you? she calls again.
"Right here, Mommy."
"Good. Hurry up and pack! My baby got admitted to the Air Force college--future engineer to the glory of God!"
"I know what you're thinking," i mutter in my head. "It's not some military training hellhole--just a school run by the Air Force. And God? Sure. Maybe He hates me. Or maybe He's not even real."
Mom hugs me. "Do your best. I love you so much. Everything will be fine."
For a moment, i feel peace. Then she runs it: "My cute engineer!"
I force a smile. "Yes, Mom. But.....can we at least try for a scholarship abroad?I'll study like crazy--i know i can--"
"Other parents might send thei kids alone, but i won't!" she snaps. "You'll succeed here. End of discussion. What if something happens?"
"Mom i'm responsible. I won't--"
"Responsible? You're a child. Focus here, and you'll see--it'll surprise you"
"Yes Ma," I lie retreating to my room. The second the door closes, i collapse onto my bed, crying so hard it feels like a knife to the heart. This argument's been on repeat since high school. I've been broken since then -- good at hiding it.
My brother barges in, takes one look at me, smirks. "See her, eya" He makes this exaggerated, sophisicated dissapointed face, and suddenly we're both wheezing with laughter.
"Depression doesn't suit you. Makes you look like a glorified peacock. Too standard"
I roll my eyes. "I'm not depressed. And back to sender."
"No back to sender!" We volley the phrase back and forth until our stomach hurt.
"So," he says, "how do you think college will be like?"
"Dunno. Who knows?"
My mind drifts agin, but he pokes my forehead. "Nah, if you think you look like some tagic anime protagonist right now, you're damn wrong. Kaede is that you?"
I swat at him. We trade more nonsense--God forbids, random gossip, inside jokes.
"My brother's the only one who gets me, the real me. Not my friends. Not even my first love."
Later, bags packed, awkwardly attempt a hug (We never figured out how to do it right). With Mom, though, it's easy. "I love you, Mommy!"
"I love you too baby."
For a second, her hands feel like safety. Then i'm out the door--off to Kaduna, off to a life i never chose.