It was the next morning that the unthinkable happened.
This time I decided to come to school early, to avoid repeating the same grand entrance again. Perhaps I should start to accept the fact that I'm popular now and will always draw attention no matter what I do - how long would this last though? - but I had no intention of aggravating the situation.
When I arrived in the classroom it was pretty early and there were only five other students and all of them greeted me so cheerfully that it made me cringe a little inside, but I did appreciate the gesture and manage to shoot back at-least-this-isn't-so-bad smile that I practiced before the year started.
I then sat at my desk and thought I'd work on the assignment that I have been putting off - although I probably won't be scolded even if I didn't do them - but I felt something in the desk drawer that I didn't put in.
What is this?
I pulled it out and it turned out to be an envelop, which simply said "To Yejin" on it.
Not thinking too much about it at this point - because I NEVER imagined something like this would ever happen to me - I just opened it to see, pretty much with a blank mind, and my heart skipped more than a beat as I read what was written.
Hi, Yejin.
I'm sorry to be writing to you like this all of sudden. I'll start it off with a disclaimer that this is NOT a 'love letter'! OK, I don't want to be deceptive so I do also have to admit that I have feelings for you, but I decided to write this letter to just express my gratitude.
I haven't had easy time throughout my school life, but I won't bore you with that now. It's probably just enough to say that for most of my life I dreaded going to school every day. I have just been - well, never mind…
The main point is - thanks to you, now I look forward to going to school every day, and on weekends I can't wait for Monday. It's not like we ever really interact, but just seeing you around in the class helps me feel better and allows me to smile inside.
There are million things I could say, but I will keep this one short. So… that's it! That's all I wanted to say and wanted you to know - that you are having a life-changing effect (in a very positive way) on someone. Although I'm probably of no significance to you, I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are.
So basically… thank you so much for just being there and being who you are.
Take care,
Someone.
Se…secret admirer?!
ME?!!!
I got a love letter?!!!
Wait, he specifically said it was NOT a love letter.
I'm getting ahead of myself just because I've become popular lately.
Remind yourself of who you really are, Yejin, everyone likes you just because some weird 'miracle' happened and your wish came true… no one could possibly, truly 'like' you.
But this…
This was still…
Then a drop of tear ran down my cheeks.
I quickly wiped it off and looked around to make sure nobody saw me crying, but my heart was thumping like it was about to explode.
I was happy.
Yeah, I was very happy.
But…
Why did I feel this heartache?
I really didn't know how I should feel about this, but the way the letter was phrased, or perhaps the way the boy spoke about himself sounded so much like me in a way… to think that I could have an effect on someone like myself, made my heart move.
Yet, as happy as I was, this feeling of happiness was so alien to me, to the extent that I felt uncomfortable with it.
And somewhere deep inside, there was also fear.
A pure fear about the fact that I became so important to someone - that what I do, what I say, or just me being me had such a significance, made me feel the weight of responsibility that I hadn't felt before.
What if… I screw up and end up letting down this person?
Whatever he thinks of me now is clearly because of whatever the magic trick God (or whoever) is playing on them all. This illusion might just pop and disappear any moment and the whole world would see me as who I really am.
What would happen then…?
The high of being flattered was quickly disappearing, and I was feeling more and more mortified as uncontrollable thoughts spun around in my head.
Not for the first time since things changed, but now I had the most intense feeling of regret since the change.
I regretted that I ever wished to be popular.
I regretted that I selfishly wished for friends.
I overestimated myself.
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for any of this at all.
I quickly put the letter back into the envelop and squeezed it into my pocket. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I knew I couldn't hold it back for much longer.
I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want people to see me cry.
I was supposed to be the light of their day. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day.
So I ran out of the classroom as fast as I could, not knowing where to go, or who to go to. All I knew was that I couldn't be here.
Heads turned as I rushed out the door but I didn't dare to look back. I ran down the hall way and out of the school building.
And I ran more. I ran and ran until I reached the school gate, and I ran out of the campus altogether.
Stupid me.
Stupid, stupid.