Scene One: Cao Cao's Budget Startup Plan—"Kickstarter to Kill Dong Zhuo"
Cao Cao stumbled back to his hometown of Chenliu, covered in dust, flopped into a chair, and groaned, "Total loss. Failed the assassination, became public enemy number one, and I left my Di Lu-brand bike-sharing ride back in Luoyang!"
His butler rushed in. "Sir, there's only three coins left in our account. We can't even pay this month's AntPay installment."
Cao Cao yanked at his hair. "No way! I need a plan to make money fast!" Then suddenly—lightbulb moment! "That's it! A startup campaign: 'Kill Dong Zhuo, Save the Han Dynasty!' We'll crowdfund it!"
He called an emergency board meeting of the "Cao Clan Inc.":
Cao Ren – Chief Security Officer, known for his death stare. Cao Hong – CFO, legendary penny-pincher. Xiahou Dun – Brand ambassador, one-eyed warrior with major street cred.
Cao Cao slammed the table. "I'm going all in! Sell the family estate—we're going startup mode!"
Next day, the streets of Chenliu were plastered with flyers:
[Royal Decree from the Han Emperor!]
Dong Zhuo is a traitor to the throne!
Join the 'Kill Dong Zhuo' crowdfunding project now!
ROI up to 1000%!
First 18 investors get exclusive 'Restore Han' skins!
Limited spots—act fast!
To add legitimacy, Cao Cao even taught himself Photoshop and forged an imperial edict. While editing, he muttered, "Let's add a realistic jade seal watermark… maybe a QR code for anti-counterfeit…"
Soon, warlords from all over China began jumping on the hype train:
Yuan Shao reposted with the caption: "If not me as leader, then who?" (plus a nine-grid selfie). Yuan Shu set his post to "Visible to Cao Cao only": "Supporting you, bro!" (but still on the fence). Sun Jian wired cash directly: "No talk, just action!" Gongsun Zan showed up with Liu Bei and bros in tow: "We come with built-in traffic!"
At the coalition meeting in Suanzao, the vibe was more influencer fan-con than war council. Yuan Shao strutted on a makeshift stage, gripping his DIY "Command Staff" (actually a repurposed back scratcher), and shouted:
"Brothers in arms! We gather here today to—"
Everyone yelled in unison: "Kill Dong Zhuo! Split the cash! Share the land! Take the ladies!"
Yuan Shao wiped sweat. "Er… I mean, to restore the Han Dynasty!"
The alliance was a total circus:
During the blood oath, Han Fu fainted at the sight of blood. Yuan Shu's fancy "divine wine" turned out to be diluted moonshine. Zhang Fei used the alliance charter as toilet paper—Cao Cao had to rewrite it overnight.
Cao Cao side-eyed the crowd. "What a bunch of clowns… already divvying up spoils before the war even starts."
Scene Two: Guan Yu, the Delivery Bro Who One-Shots Bosses
Back in Luoyang, Dong Zhuo was mid-feast, enjoying a "Prime Minister's Platter" of roast lamb and Moutai liquor. A scout burst in: "Emergency! The eighteen warlords are attacking!"
Dong Zhuo hurled his lamb leg. "Idiots! Hua Xiong, go educate them!"
Hua Xiong grabbed his gear and live-posted on Weibo:
"Nice weather today. Perfect for beheadings~
Location: Suanzao Battlefield
#WorkHardSlayHard"
At the front lines, Yuan Shao was trying to look strategic. "Who'll take first strike?"
Bao Zhong: "I'll do it! I'll take his—ARGH!" (dead in 3 seconds)
Zu Mao: "I'll sneak around—OH CRAP!" (dead in 5 seconds)
Yu She & Pan Feng: "We'll double-team him—HELP!" (dead in 10 seconds)
Panic set in.
Yuan Shao: "My top generals Yan Liang and Wen Chou… called in sick today."
Han Fu: "My legendary Pan Feng is… well, legendary used to be…"
Kong Rong: "I'm a scholar, not a fighter. Don't look at me."
Then Guan Yu, quietly standing behind Liu Bei, raised his hand. "I'll give it a try."
Yuan Shu scoffed. "You? A low-level archer making three grand a month? Pfft."
But Cao Cao's eyes lit up. He offered a Starbucks cup. "Hero, have a latte before battle?"
Guan Yu pushed the cup aside. "Leave it there. I'll be back in five."
True to his word, five minutes later, he returned holding Hua Xiong's head—latte still steaming.
Zhang Fei launched a livestream: "Yo folks! My second bro just did a 'Latte-Slash' on Hua Xiong! Smash that like button!"
The chat exploded:
"666!"
"Guan Bro OP!"
"This delivery dude's cracked!"
Yuan Shu was furious. "A temp worker stealing the spotlight?! Cut their supply lines!"
Cao Cao quickly smoothed things over. "Calm down, Mr. Yuan. How about an iced Americano?"
Liu Bei's trio got pushed to the side to eat. Zhang Fei chewed a dry bun and grumbled. "Buncha snobs."
Guan Yu calmly passed him meat. "Eat this."
Liu Bei sighed. "Startup life… ain't easy."
Scene Three: Triple Beatdown on the Triple-Surnamed Traitor
Dong Zhuo, on hearing of Hua Xiong's demise, tossed another roast lamb. "Fengxian, my son! Your turn!"
Lü Bu, mid-hair treatment, scowled. "I just got my ionic perm done!" But still, he mounted Red Hare and galloped to the front.
Before the fight, Lü Bu gave a quick intro:
"Hey there, I'm Lü Bu, aka Fengxian.
Height: 188cm. Weight: 75kg.
Hobbies: Adopting sugar daddies, fighting, hairstyling.
Special skill: Looking good while wielding halberds.
Relationship status: Single. (Red Hare doesn't count.)"
The coalition sent Fang Yue, Mu Shun, and others:
Fang Yue: "Watch me—AHHH!" (dead in 3 sec)
Mu Shun: "I'll do better—UGH!" (5 sec)
Wu Anguo: "I brought a shield—DAMN IT!" (10 sec)
More panic.
Yuan Shao: "Where the hell are Yan Liang and Wen Chou?"
Han Fu: "Oh right. Pan Feng's already in heaven."
Kong Rong: "Maybe a haiku will help calm our nerves…"
Just as everyone started packing, Zhang Fei charged out on a borrowed donkey. "Lü Bu! You treacherous three-surnamed scum!"
Lü Bu glared. "Who you calling scum?!"
The two clashed for 50 rounds. Lü Bu even paused to fix his hair. "Wait, my gel's messed up—"
Guan Yu couldn't watch anymore. "Step aside, little bro!"
Even two-on-one, Lü Bu held strong, with enough time to update his feed:
"2v1. Still chill."
Liu Bei saw the struggle and drew his swords. "Bros! Big bro's coming too!"
Lü Bu panicked. "Hold up! This was a 1v1!"
Liu Bei: "We're triplets. We count as one."
Guan Yu: "Exactly."
Zhang Fei: "It's called 'Three-in-One combo!'"
All four went at it:
Lü Bu's ionic perm became an afro. Guan Yu lost a few beard strands. Zhang Fei's spear bent into a U-shape. Liu Bei mostly flailed around pretending to help.
Finally, Lü Bu fled, yelling, "Y'all got no honor!"
The coalition tried to chase—but the warlords bailed:
Yuan Shao: "My shoelace broke." Yuan Shu: "My phone died." Han Fu: "I left the soup on at home." Kong Rong: "I've got essays to grade."
Cao Cao stomped in rage. "Idiots! Dong Zhuo's getting away!"
Sure enough, scouts reported: "Dong Zhuo fled with the emperor—and torched Luoyang on the way out. It's now a BBQ pit."
The warlords didn't care. They started claiming land:
Yuan Shao: "Ji Province is mine!" Yuan Shu: "Nanyang's mine!" Sun Jian: "I, uh… definitely didn't steal the imperial seal."
Liu Bei and bros sat in a sad corner, drawing circles in the dirt.
Guan Yu: "Big bro, maybe we should become couriers?"
Zhang Fei: "Or open a BBQ joint?"
Liu Bei: "..."