Act One: "Emperor 101" — The Reality Show No One Wanted
The palace of Luoyang had just launched a one-of-a-kind talent show. Producer Dong Zhuo, holding a megaphone made of solid gold, announced:
"Welcome to Emperor 101, proudly sponsored by 'Xiliang BBQ Express' and brought to you by The Xiliang Daily! Today, two royal trainees will battle it out, but only one will debut as Emperor C!"
The show had an all-star production crew:
•Director-in-Chief: Dong Zhuo (also judge, sponsor, and stagehand)
•Art Director: Lü Bu (specializes in dramatic posing)
•Logistics & Scapegoat: Li Ru (he's got the blame game on lock)
•VIP Audience: Every court official (forced to attend at sword-point)
Current C-position Emperor Liu Bian was trembling in his throne, his dragon robe soaked in cold sweat. He'd been living a nightmare lately:
•Dong Zhuo's surprise pop quizzes on "The Emperor's Code"
•Lü Bu flexing his halberd 24/7 like it was a fidget spinner
•Li Ru's daily therapy sessions: "So, Your Majesty, how would you prefer to die today? A) Poison B) Beheading C) Depression"
Meanwhile, trainee Liu Xie was counting ants behind a pillar, blissfully unaware that he was about to be thrown into a 996 job from hell. The poor kid had just learned to write his name, and his homework still had doodles of crooked turtles.
"I declare—" Dong Zhuo booted Liu Bian off the throne like trash. "This trainee sucks! No expression control, zero fans, poor engagement. He's demoted to Prince of Hongnong! New C-position goes to Liu Xie!"
The court clapped awkwardly—because there were knives at their throats.
The new little emperor was hoisted onto the throne like a ragdoll. His feet dangled in the air until Dong Zhuo kindly gave him a copy of Five Years Gaokao, Three Years Mock Exams as a booster seat.
"Waaah! I want my mommy!" Liu Xie bawled.
"Quit crying!" Dong Zhuo smashed the imperial desk in half. "Do you know how hard it is to get a job these days? People wait years to be emperor—ask Yuan Shao, he's still lining up!"
To celebrate the enthronement, Dong Zhuo organized a culinary contest straight out of a nightmare. Inspired by last night's dream (where he turned all his enemies into hot pot ingredients), he shouted:
"Today's theme—Cannibal Hot Pot! Fresh POWs only! Kill-and-cook on site! Mobile ordering supported!"
Hundreds of prisoners were "processed" by Xiliang chefs:
•Chopping Team: Turned limbs into bite-sized chunks
•Flavor Division: Perfected a new spicy numbing broth
•Plating Squad: Arranged eyeballs into romantic heart shapes
Officials vomited everywhere. Minister Wang Yun fainted, mumbling in his sleep, "Food safety… this violates food safety regulations…"
Dong Zhuo, chewing with golden chopsticks, declared, "Watch carefully, folks! This is what happens when you cross me!"
He turned to Lü Bu, "Son, want spicy or clear broth?"
Lü Bu silently pushed his halberd aside. "Foster Dad… I'm watching my calories."
The "coronation" ended with Dong Zhuo self-promoting to Chancellor. Before leaving, he reminded Liu Xie:
"Bring your homework to court from now on. After reviewing the memorials, I'm grading your math. One wrong answer = 100 lines of 'Dong Zhuo's Inspirational Quotes'!"
⸻
Act Two: Cao Cao Goes Full 007
Watching Dong Zhuo's madness, Cao Cao broke three teacups at home. "This fatty's gone too far! Time to go full Three Kingdoms James Bond!"
He did a quick SWOT analysis:
Strengths:
•Looks like a background NPC (perfect for stealth)
•Excellent actor (Best Actor, Luoyang Drama Academy)
•Fast runner (thanks to childhood fruit theft training)
Weaknesses:
•Short (easy to miss… or step on)
•Talks too much (prone to spilling secrets)
•Paranoid (thinks everyone's out to get him)
Opportunities:
•Dong Zhuo's busy stuffing his face
•Lü Bu's addicted to skincare routines
•Li Ru's gone home for matchmaking season
Threats:
•Xiliang troops outnumber Luoyang's guards 20:1
•The city's crawling with spies
•His wanted poster looks way more handsome than real life
With his plan in place, Cao Cao got to work:
Phase One: Suck-Up Mode
•Delivered roast pork daily ("Secret Cao Family Recipe!")
•Wrote poems like Ode to the Magnificent Chancellor
•Clapped first at every meeting (hands permanently swollen)
Phase Two: Intel Collection
•Bribed Dong Zhuo's maid (three boxes of blush)
•Bought off the Chancellor's chef (offered to play matchmaker)
•Attempted to seduce Lü Bu's horse with carrots
Phase Three: Assassination Prep
•Ancestral Seven-Star Dagger (cuts iron and fingernails)
•Ninja outfit made from 82 face masks
•Escape route marked with all nearby BBQ stalls
On the big day, Cao Cao gelled his hair and drowned himself in cologne to mask killing intent. As he crept into Dong Zhuo's room, the snoring was deafening. Dong Zhuo lay belly-up on the bed, a half-eaten lamb leg resting on his gut.
"Now or never," Cao Cao whispered, creeping forward.
CRUNCH! He stepped on a leftover chicken bone.
Dong Zhuo stirred. In the mirror, he saw Cao Cao holding the dagger.
"Mengde… you cutting apples for me?"
Cao Cao dropped to his knees. "Reporting in, Chancellor! Behold! A supreme fruit-slicing dagger! Look!"
He sliced an apple into a bunny.
Dong Zhuo tested it. SHING! Half an apple gone.
"Nice. I'll use it for hot pot. Lend it to me next time I roast a whole sheep."
Just when Cao Cao sighed in relief…
"Wait… that stabbing stance just now…"
"BYE!" Cao Cao bolted. "Off to buy sesame paste!"
By the time Dong Zhuo roared in fury, Cao Cao had ridden a "DeLu" brand shared bicycle three miles out of town.
The wanted poster looked like a dating ad:
Name: Cao Cao (AKA Ah-Man)
Age: 35 (Looks 45)
Height: 1.6m (1.62 in shoes)
Weight: Classified
Features: Eyes like mung beans, smile like soybeans
Skills: Poetry, warfare, deception
Hobbies: Reading, singing, assassinating tyrants
Crime: Attempted to ruin Chancellor's beauty sleep
Reward: 10,000 taels of gold or unlimited BBQ buffet coupons
Tip Hotline: Luoyang PD, 24/7 service
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Act Three: Death Note—Cao Cao Edition
While on the run, Cao Cao got caught in Zhongmou County by the local head of security—Chen Gong. But plot twist: Chen Gong was a die-hard Cao fanboy.
He had:
•Fake "autographed" poems on his wall
•A phone wallpaper of beautified Cao Cao
•Daily readings of The Complete Cao Poetry Collection with handwritten notes
"Master Cao!" Chen Gong gripped his idol's hand. "Your assassination livestream was amazing! That spin move? Legendary!"
Cao Cao: "So… can I leave?"
Chen Gong: "Leave? I'm quitting my job to join your rogue squad!"
Cao Cao: "…That's… very unnecessary."
Together they embarked on a Three Kingdoms road trip comedy:
First Stop: Shady Inn
•Room rates x10 ("Famous guest surcharge")
•Beds rigged with spike traps
•Night raid—Cao pretended to have rabies to get out of it
Second Stop: Highway Toll
•Toll: 10 taels, Cao had 3 copper coins
•Guards tried to strip-search them; Chen Gong recited Viewing the Ocean and moved them to tears
•Their horse was confiscated (suspected to be stolen Red Hare)
Third Stop: Local Farm
•Stole a chicken out of hunger, got chased two miles
•Campfire cooking started a forest fire
•Everyone got food poisoning (probably ate a magic mushroom-fed chicken)
They finally reached Chenggao, seeking shelter with Cao's dad's sworn brother, Lord Lü Boshe.
"Dear nephew! Wait here, I'll get the good wine—vintage '82 Daughter's Red!"
While Cao sipped tea in the living room, he heard from the backyard:
•Blade sharpening: Shing shing shing
•Voices: "Tie him up and kill him"
•A pig squealing: "REEEEEE!"
"Oh no! He's turning us in for the reward!"
Cao and Chen Gong burst into the backyard swinging swords.
Turns out… they were just preparing a feast. The pig was real. So was the menu:
•Braised pork (Lü family recipe)
•Sweet & sour ribs (Cao's favorite)
•Pork offal soup (Chen Gong's hometown specialty)
"My bad…" Cao wiped his sword. "Let's bounce, Chen."
They stepped outside and ran straight into the returning Lü Boshe, holding the wine.
"My dear nephew, where are you—"
SPLAT. Cao didn't hesitate.
Chen Gong was stunned. "First one was a mistake, but this?!"
Cao replied confidently, "Better I wrong all under heaven than be wronged by them!"
That night, Chen Gong stared at the sleeping Cao, conflicted:
"My idol is a murder machine…"
"Should I turn him in?"
"But he looks so peaceful when he sleeps…"
"Still, killing is wrong…"
"But he only kills potential snitches…"
"But they were just roasting a pig…"
After hours of mental struggle, Chen Gong left a note:
Dear Cao:
I've decided farming is safer.
PS: Your snoring rivals Dong Zhuo's.
PPS: You grind your teeth like you're chewing Dong Zhuo's bones.
—Your former fanboy, Chen Gong