Scene 1: Dong Zhuo's Makeover of Luoyang
When Dong Zhuo stormed into Luoyang with his West Liang Corporation, the capital city shook—literally three times. We're talking about a 300-pound warlord riding a custom-built, extra-wide warhorse, followed by an entourage of muscle-bound thugs that looked more like a biker gang than a military escort.
"Brothers!" Dong Zhuo patted his belly like it was a drum. "As of today, this city is our turf! New rules:
1.All shops pay a monthly 'Public Safety Fee.'
2.The imperial kitchen is now 'Dong's BBQ Empire.'
3.Every night, I drag race down Main Street. Bystanders, get lost!"
The people of Luoyang wept in silence. Old Wang the bun-seller sighed, "Three rounds of protection money in one day! How's a guy supposed to make a living?"
Auntie Li, the candied haw vendor, added, "Yesterday he said he was doing a secret inspection and ate my entire stock! Even the sticks!"
The court? Pure chaos. Dong Zhuo showed up two hours late every morning, plopped himself next to the emperor, and pulled out his own wine and snacks. One time, drunk off his face, he threw an arm around the young Emperor Liu Bian and slurred, "Bro, you kinda suck at this emperor thing. Wanna let me sub in for a couple days?"
That evening, Dong Zhuo hosted a "Luoyang Business-Government Networking Gala" at Wenming Garden—aka a live TED Talk titled "Why It's Time to Replace the CEO."
"Fellow officials," Dong Zhuo hiccuped, "my research team found that current Emperor Liu Bian's performance is below average. Customer satisfaction is way down. I propose a new candidate—his younger brother Liu Xie. Any objections?"
Crickets. Then Ding Yuan, governor of Bingzhou, slammed the table. "What do you think this is? Changing emperors like phone cases? I'll report you to the Imperial Labor Bureau!"
Dong Zhuo drew his sword, furious. But just then, he noticed the tall, god-tier handsome warrior behind Ding Yuan—Lü Bu. The man was casually filing his nails with a halberd. When he saw Dong Zhuo staring, he blew a kiss at the blade.
Advisor Li Ru whispered, "Boss, that's Lü Bu. Remember Tiger Gate team-building day? He soloed thirty of our best guards."
Dong Zhuo wiped the drool from his lips. "I want him. Name your price."
Next day, Ding Yuan showed up to flex with Lü Bu. On his flaming red horse, Lü Bu rode into Dong Zhuo's camp and treated the West Liang security team like a training dummy—seven times in, seven times out. Dong Zhuo watched from the tower like he was at a ballet. "This isn't violence… This is art."
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Scene 2: The Head-Hunting Masterplan
After the humiliating beatdown, Dong Zhuo held an emergency board meeting. HR Director Li Su raised a hand. "Boss, I did a deep dive. Lü Bu only loves three things: money, horses, and finding new father figures. Let's work with that."
Dong Zhuo slapped his thigh. "Get the VIP package ready!"
Gift #1: Limited Edition Red Hare Superhorse
This ain't no regular horse. It comes with:
✓ Pureblood Ferghana genes
✓ 24K gold saddle
✓ Auto-navigation (smarter than GPS)
✓ Lifetime grooming service
Gift #2: Premium Gold Halberd Skin
Lü Bu's old weapon was so last season. This one includes:
✓ 999-pure gold coating
✓ Diamond-studded handle
✓ Built-in beauty filter (glows when you swing)
✓ VIP maintenance card
Gift #3: Annual Godfather VIP Pass
Includes:
✓ Unlimited allowance
✓ 10% stake in West Liang Inc.
✓ Lifetime "Call me Daddy" privileges
✓ 24/7 exclusive godfather hotline
That night, Li Su invited Lü Bu out for skewers at "Luoyang's #1 BBQ." After a few rounds of wine, Li Su leaned in.
"So… what's your current salary under Ding Yuan?"
Lü Bu counted on his fingers. "Room and board… one day off a week… no insurance, no pension…"
Li Su tossed out the offer: "Dong Zhuo's package includes salary, performance bonuses, year-end dividends, stock options… plus unlimited godfather benefits."
Lü Bu's eyes sparkled. "Can I sign today?"
Li Su grinned. "Wait till you see your welcome gift."
Enter: Red Hare. Lü Bu took one look and practically proposed. "Baaaaaby! Come to Daddy!"
Later that night, Ding Yuan was finishing his PowerPoint: "How to Raise a Loyal Adopted Son."Suddenly—BANG!—door kicked open.
"Fengxian? What's up, son?"
"Dad… I need your head for my onboarding gift." Lü Bu grinned.
"Wait—I didn't save the—AHHH—!"
[Achievement Unlocked: Godfather Slayer]
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Scene 3: Emperor Swap Simulator
With Lü Bu, the ultimate murder-machine, at his side, Dong Zhuo went full maniac mode. Time for the big game—The Emperor Makeover Challenge.
Step 1: Drag Emperor Liu Bian off the throne.
Step 2: Give him a "Lord of Nowheresville" title.
Step 3: Ship him out with two bodyguards and zero dignity.
Next up: Crowning Liu Xie. The kid was 9. Too short for the throne, so Dong Zhuo thoughtfully stacked a few SAT prep books underneath him.
"I'm now the Chancellor!" Dong Zhuo declared. "My duties include… hot pot and terrorizing ministers!"
The court lost it. Yuan Shao bravely raised a hand. "I object!"
Dong Zhuo nodded. Lü Bu started sharpening his halberd. Screeeeech…
Yuan Shao gulped. "…On second thought, I abstain."
Empress Dowager He got served poisoned wine while trying to post her final status update.
Dong Zhuo: "Safe travels. [Candle emoji]"
Cao Cao couldn't take it anymore. He rage-quit with a resignation letter and stole some company secrets on the way out.
Thus began Dong Zhuo's SimCity: Tyrant Mode:
✓ Economic policy: "Zero-Coin Shopping" (Take what you want)
✓ HR policy: "Godfather Ladder" (Lü Bu's already on his third dad)
✓ Diplomacy policy: "Fight First, Talk Later" (Lü Bu: "My specialty!")
The people of Luoyang? Starving. Someone wrote a sad little rhyme:
"Dong Zhuo's reign, three months of doom,
Luoyang shrunk like a dried-up prune.
Not 'cause folks wanna lose some weight—
There's just no food left on their plate!"