I had been friends with Kiki for less than two months, but she was really clingy, even though she was a walking red flag I still kept close to her, It was hard to admit but I was scared of loosing people because it hurt, and because I would think I wasn't good enough, but mostly because I was scared of being alone, I hated it, I despised the thought of it, it made me want to puke.
'Maybe' I thought, maybe that's why I hanged out with Tito, Qeebah and Momo, Momo was the best of the three but she was annoying and didn't respect boundaries, and always acted irrationally, but I sucked up to her, it hurt, but loosing her would hurt more, so maybe Tito was the best, but to her I was just a substitute, a mere replacement for when her real friends were not there, so maybe Qeebah was the best, who am I kidding? She was the worst one, all the talking about me behind my back?- she indicated it, she hated me, or maybe I was just paranoid.
I'm class today Kiki told me to send a note to her- Amiya, but I always called her by her middle name, Christ, because Amiya didn't sit quite right with me, I passed the note without opening it, Chissy opened the note and I saw her face light up, I wanted to know what was on it but the teacher walked in.
I walked towards the gate after school, I had come out late due to after school lessons, I was walking towards the gate when my friends, who I told to wait for me joined me- I know they weren't waiting for me, they where doing something else and I just happened to walk in at the perfect time, Bryan was with them.
I saw Chissy at the gate and we locked eyes for a split second, I looked away because her expression made me uneasy, something about it was unsettling.
My friends ditched me to go to some random party, and I started walking home, when I say her silhouette turning the corner, I wanted to run, to scream her name, to talk to her, but instaed I froze, I felt like I was losing her, and in the process loosing myself.
I got home that night, picked up my journal and wrote, I wrote to the only thing that would listen.