PROLOGUE
"So, Kid… Here's the Story."
Alright. Grab a chair, or a couch, or just lie dramatically on the floor like you're auditioning for a tragic opera. Whatever works. Because what you're about to hear? It's the story of how I, the loveable dumpster fire you call Dad; probably, legally, emotionally; ended up finding The One.
And no, I'm not talking about some glowing sci fi chosen girl with power beams coming out of her eyeballs. I'm talking real love. The kind of love that punches you in the gut, makes you rethink your life choices, and gives you weird dreams involving breakfast food and commitment.
Now, hold up. Don't go rolling your eyes yet, you future phone addicted gremlin. I know what you're thinking: "Ugh, is this going to be one of those long, dramatic, soul searching monologues that drag on for five chapters before anything interesting happens?"
Yes.
But also no.
See, I'm not your usual narrator. I don't do slow burns. I do fiery explosions of chaos, awkward eye contact, and moments that would've gotten me canceled on social media if I had followers. This is not a Hallmark movie, kid. This is emotional whiplash wrapped in comedy wrapped in a questionable hairstyle.
Let's rewind to the start, shall we?
Not the actual start. You don't need to hear about the day I was born in a hospital that smelled like expired soup and disappointment. And you definitely don't need the scene where baby me pooped on the doctor and got labeled "gifted" for it. Long story.
No, this begins when I was… let's say, young. Emotionally unstable. Hormonal. The kind of boy who thought love was what happened in cartoons when two characters touched hands and a sparkle exploded in the sky. Spoiler alert: That sparkle is called "taxes" and it haunts you forever.
Back then, I was built different. And by different, I mean weird. I had the romantic prowess of a toaster and the personality of someone who once tried to flirt using math equations. If puberty was a battlefield, I was the guy who showed up wearing crocs and holding a tuna sandwich.
My face? Picture a potato with dreams. My voice? Like a blender arguing with a cat. My fashion sense? Let's just say I once wore a jacket that made me look like a sentient traffic cone and I was proud of it.
Still, despite every logical reason for the universe to reject me, I believed in love. Deeply. Desperately. Like a clingy anime protagonist who gets one compliment and immediately proposes marriage. I had no plan. No experience. Just raw, unfiltered cringe and a playlist of sad songs I didn't even understand.
This story? It's a rollercoaster. And not one of those fancy ones with seatbelts and safety regulations. No, this is the janky carnival ride operated by a guy named Larry who swears he tightened the bolts but also smells like regret and hot dogs.
There will be drama. Betrayals. At least one slow motion walk in the rain while I monologue like I'm in a K drama with a low budget. There will be twists. Fakeouts. A shocking amount of nosebleeds and emotional damage. And girls. Oh boy. So many girls. But not yet. This ain't that part.
Because this, this chaos cocktail of a tale is not about them.
Not yet.
This prologue? This is about me.
The dumb, clueless, hormone powered, emotionally fragile hero of this tale. And how I began my journey to ultimate romantic glory… by doing everything wrong.
You want elegance? Try another novel. You want logic? Close the book. You want a painfully honest trainwreck that somehow turns into something meaningful? Buckle up. I'm about to tell you how I ruined everything, fixed nothing, and still somehow got to the ending that matters.
So lean in, my future therapy bill. Because Daddy's about to spin you a tale so full of heartbreak, hilarity, and accidental nudity, you'll laugh, cry, cringe, and then question everything.
And hey, maybe, just maybe by the time we reach the end of this mess…
You'll finally find out how I met your mother.
Or, if I'm being brutally honest… how I somehow didn't die in a flaming tornado of bad decisions before I met her.
But who knows? I might change the story halfway through just to mess with you.
Now cue the dramatic intro that doesn't exist because this is a novel and not a big-budget movie.
Let's begin.