In the morning my mother came and took me up to her room, where she
dressed me, as she left the room, she said to the females in bed, they
were not to hurry up, she had only fetched Wattie.
But all this only came vividly to my mind when, a few years after, I
began to talk about women with my cousin, and we told each other all we
had seen, and heard, about females.
Until I was about twelve years old I never went to school, there was
a governess in the house who instructed me, and the other children, my
father was nearly always at home. I was carefully kept from the grooms
and other men servants; once I recollect getting to the stable yard and
seeing a stallion mount a mare, his prick go right out of sight in what
appeared to me to be the mares bottom, of father appearing and calling
out "What does that boy do there," and my being hustled away. I had
scarcely a boy acquaintance excepting among my cousins, and therefore
did not learn as much about sexual matters, as boys early do at schools.
I did not know what the stallion was doing. I could have had no notion
of it then, nor did I think about it.
The next thing I clearly recollected, was one of my male cousins
stopping with us, we walked out and when piddling together against
a hedge, his saying: "show me your cock, Walter, and I will show you
mine." We stood and examined each others cocks, and for the first time,
I became conscious, that I could not get my foreskin easily back, like
other boys. I pulled his backwards and forwards. He hurt me, laughed
and sneered at me, another boy came and I think another, we all compared
cocks, and mine was the only one which would not unskin, they jeered me,
I burst into tears, and went away, thinking there was something wrong
with me, and was ashamed to show my cock again, then I set to work
earnestly to try to pull the foreskin back, but always desisted fearing
the pain, for I was very sensitive.
My cousin then told me that girls had no cock, but only a hole they
piddled out of, we were always talking about them, but I don't recollect
the word cunt, nor that I attached any lewd idea to a girl's piddling
hole, or to their cocks being flat, an expression heard I think at the
same period. It remained only in my mind that my cock and the girl's
hole were to piddle out of, and nothing more, I cannot be certain about
my age at this time.
Afterwards I went to that uncle's house often, my cousin Fred was to be
put to school, and we talked a great deal more about girls' cocks which
began to interest me much. He had never seen one he said, but he knew
that they had two holes, one for bogging and the other to piddle from.
They sit down to piddle said he, they don't piddle against a wall as we
do, but that I must have known already, afterwards I felt very curious
about the matter.
One day, one of his sisters left the room where we were sitting, she
is going to piddle, he said to me. We sneaked into a bed room of one of
them one day, and gravely looked into the pot to see what piddle was in
Whether we expected to find anything different from what there was
in our own chamber pot, I do not know. When talking about these things
my cousin would twiddle his cock. We wondered how the piddle came out,
if they wetted their legs and if the hole was near the bum hole, or
where; one day Fred and I pissed against each others cocks, and thought
it excellent fun.
I recollect being very curious indeed about the way girls piddled after
this, and seeing them piddle became a taste I have kept all my life. I
would listen at the bed room doors, if I could get near them unobserved,
when my mother, sister, the governess, or a servant went in, hoping to
hear the rattle and often succeeded: it was accompanied by no sexual
desire, or idea, as far as I can recollect; I had no cockstand, and am
sure, that I then did not know that the women had a hole called a cunt,
and used it for fucking. I can recall no idea of the sort, it was simple
curiosity to know something about those, whom I instinctively felt
were made differently from myself. What sort of a hole could it be I
wondered. Was it large? Was it round? Why did they squat instead of
stand up, like men, my curiosity became intense.
How long after this the following took place, I can't say, but my cock
was bigger. I have that impression very distinctly.
One day, there were people in one of the sitting rooms, where my mother
and father were I don't know; they were not in the room, and were most
likely out. There were one or two of my cousins, some youths, my big
sister and one brother, besides others, our governess, and her sister,
who was stopping with us, and sleeping in the same room with her. I
recollect both going into the bed room together, it was next to mine.
It was evening, we had sweet wine, cake, and snap-dragon, and played
at something, at which all sat in a circle on the floor. I was very
ticklish, it nearly sent me into fits, we tickled each other on the
floor. There was much fun, and noise, the governess tickled me, and I
tickled her. She said as I was taken to bed, or rather went, as I then
did by myself, "I'll go and tickle you." Now at that time when in bed, a
servant, or my mother, or the governess took away the light, and closed
the door; for I was still frightened to get into bed in the dark, and
used to call out, "Mamma, I'm going to get into bed." Then they fetched
the light, they wished to stop this timidity, often scolded me about it,
and made me undress myself, by myself, to cure me of it.
I expect the other children had been put to bed. My mother keeping all
the younger ones in the room near her. The nursery was also upstairs, my
room, as said, was next to the governess.
When in bed, I called out for some one to put out the light, up came the
governess and her sister. She began to tickle me, so did her sister,
I laughed, screeched, and tried to tickle them. One of them closed the
door and then came back to tickle me. I kicked all the clothes off, and
was nearly naked, I begged them to desist, felt their hands on my naked
flesh, and am quite sure, that one of them touched my prick more than
once, though it might have been done accidentally. At last I wriggled
off the bed, my night-gown up to my armpits, and dropped with my naked
bum on to the floor, whilst they tickled me still, and laughed at my
wriggling about, and yelling.
Then what induced me, heaven alone knows; it may have been what I had
heard about the piddling-hole of a woman, or curiosity, or instinct, I
don't know; but I caught hold of the governess' leg as she was trying to
get me up on to the bed again, saying, "that will do, my dear boy, get
into bed, and let me take away the light." I would not; the other lady
helped to lift me, I pushed my hands up the petticoats of the governess,
felt the hair of her cunt, and that there was something warm, and moist,
between her thighs. She let me drop on to the floor, and jumped away
from me. I must have been clinging to her thigh, with both hands up her
petticoats, and one between her thighs, she cried out loudly--oh!
Then slap-slap-slap, in quick succession, came her hand against my head,
"You...rude...bad...boy," said she slapping me at each word, "I've a
good mind to tell your mamma, get into bed this instant," and into bed
I got without a word. She blew out the light, and left the room with her
sister, leaving me in a dreadful funk. I scarcely knew that I had done
wrong, yet had some vague notion, that feeling about her thighs was
punishable; the soft hairy place my hand had touched, impressed me with
wonder, I kept thinking there was no cock there, and felt a sort of
delight at what I had done.