Scrubbing graffiti off training ground fences wasn't exactly glamorous work, but compared to Death by Cabbage, it was practically a vacation.
I crouched down, sponge in hand, scrubbing what appeared to be an expertly drawn portrait of the Third Hokage riding a giant rubber duck. Whoever did it had real talent. If they weren't already dead from some tragic turnip incident, I'd recommend them for art school.
Ding!
Time: 12:14 PM
New Death Flag Detected!
I sighed, wiping sweat from my forehead. "Alright, hit me. What now?"
Current Death Flag:
High risk of fatal accidental self-immolation via suspicious ramen shop incident.
I blinked. "Self-immolation? From a ramen shop?"
BNPP:
Recommended Action: Do not visit Ichiraku Ramen for the next three hours.
I scowled. "I wasn't even planning to go to Ichiraku. I've got no ryo left! Thanks to this morning's cabbage flag, remember?"
BNPP:
Death waits for no budget, Host.
I flicked a soapy sponge at the floating screen. It passed through harmlessly, of course.
Haruto came trotting over, grinning ear to ear. "Papa! Papa! Guess what?"
I didn't like the way he was smiling. That was the exact expression he had last month before tricking me into entering a random drinking contest with a retired ANBU.
"What is it, buddy?"
"I won a free ramen ticket!"
My stomach did a backflip.
"You did what?"
"See? That nice old man outside the market gave it to me. Said it was for 'handsome young lads.'" Haruto puffed up proudly.
Ding!
Death Flag Threat Level: Increased.
I grabbed the ticket like it was a cursed scroll.
"Did you— Did you tell him your name? Where you live? Anything?"
"Nope. He just asked if I liked ramen. I said yes, and he gave it to me."
BNPP:
Suspicious. Highly.
No kidding.
Alternate Fate Preview Available. Use now? (Y/N)
I hesitated. I only got one of those a day. But man… this one felt bad.
"Screw it. Show me."
The screen shimmered.
[Alternate Fate Preview Loading…]
Scene: Ichiraku Ramen. I enter happily with Haruto. We sit down. I order pork miso with extra bamboo shoots. Slurp the first bite. Mmm, delicious. Then a hooded figure at the next table throws a kunai into a barrel of oil. The entire stall goes up like a firework display. I'm cooked faster than the noodles.
End scene.
I gagged.
"Okay. Okay. No ramen. Haruto, we're not going."
"But Papa—!"
"Non-negotiable! I just saw myself die like a roasted duck."
Haruto blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Never mind."
I crumpled the coupon and threw it into a nearby storm drain. I swear I heard ominous laughter echo from it.
"Right. New rule. No cabbage. No ramen. No free coupons from mysterious old men."
Haruto crossed his arms. "Being a ninja is lame."
"I wouldn't know," I muttered. "I've been a Genin for ten years."
We finished the graffiti job without further incident, though a pigeon did poop on my head, which I'm pretty sure counts as a minor assassination attempt.
Ding!
Death Flag Status: Cleared for afternoon. Next potential incident: Evening.
I sighed in relief.
Back at home, I collapsed onto my worn futon. Haruto played with his stick collection, which by now was looking suspiciously like a small armory.
"Papa, what's for dinner?"
"Whatever doesn't try to murder us."
He groaned. "Can we have instant curry?"
I checked the BNPP screen.
Death Threat Risk: 0%
"Curry it is."
For the first time all day, I let myself relax. The sun set over Konoha, painting the sky orange and pink. I was alive. I'd dodged a cabbage and a ramen explosion. Maybe, just maybe, I was getting good at this.
Ding!
One final note, Host.
I groaned. "What now?"
BNPP:
Reminder: Death is statistically inevitable. See you tomorrow!
I flipped the system off as I dug into my curry. One day at a time. One flag at a time.
Bring it on.