Ding!
Warning: New Death Flag detected!
I was mid-nap when the familiar cruel chime yanked me from my blissful sleep.
Groaning, I cracked one eye open and glared at the system window floating above my futon.
"Can't a man nap in peace?"
BNPP System:
Afternoon Death Flag Potential: Death via Death-by-Sticky-Tape Trap.
"…What the hell kind of Looney Tunes nonsense is this?"
*Recommended Action: Do not investigate Training Ground Three.
I scratched my head. "Training Ground Three? Why would I go there?"
BNPP:
Narrative Convenience Probability: 76%.
That smug little window was starting to get personal.
Haruto poked his head into the room. "Papa, I made you something!"
I perked up immediately. My kid's crafts were terrible, but it was the thought that counted.
He waddled in holding a folded paper frog. "Ta-da!"
"Awesome, buddy!" I grinned, taking it. "You're getting better."
Ding!
Paper Frog contains 0.00001% potential to trigger Death Flag. Harmless.
"Oh good. For once."
Then Haruto spoke the seven cursed words that no system-flagged reincarnated idiot wants to hear.
"Can we go to the training grounds?"
Ding!
Warning: Fatality Potential Increased by 80%.
I froze.
"Why?"
"There's a cool sensei guy there teaching kids tree-walking. I wanna see if you can do it too!"
I squinted. "Are you calling your old man weak?"
He gave me a wide-eyed, innocent nod.
"…Fair."
BNPP:
Final Recommendation: Stay indoors. Consume tea. Read bad romance scrolls.
"…Tempting."
But then Haruto hit me with the big guns: puppy eyes. The ultimate father-killing technique.
I sighed. "Alright, fine. But if we see a suspicious rope, net, puddle, or piece of tape lying around — we run."
"Okay!"
We set out. Again.
Ding!
Alternate Fate Preview available. Use now? (Y/N)
Not yet. I'd rather die in ignorance than stress over it all afternoon.
We reached Training Ground Three without incident.
Haruto ran ahead to watch a group of Academy brats try to walk up a tree, most of them falling flat on their backs like idiots. Ah, memories.
"Oi, old man Genin!" one of them shouted.
I sighed. "That's Mister Old Man Genin to you, brat."
Ding!
Death Flag Proximity: Medium.
I scanned the area. No tripwires. No nets. No obvious death traps.
I was starting to think the system was bluffing again.
That's when I saw it. A single, glinting strip of adhesive ninja tape stretched between two trees.
A trap.
BNPP:
Warning: Death-by-Sticky-Tape Probability 97%.
I squinted.
Was it rigged? Would it yank me into a tree? Trip a kunai launcher? Explode?
BNPP:
Alternate Fate Preview still available.
"Alright, fine. Show me."
*Alternate Fate Preview: If you step over it without noticing, a mischievous prank squad of kids will trigger it. A log will swing down, hitting you in the groin, causing you to fall into a pond full of ink-drenched frogs, resulting in public humiliation, a sprained leg, and a fatal head bump on a rock when running away in shame.
"…Seriously?"
BNPP:
Confirmed.
I stared at it.
An easy trap. Rookie stuff.
I picked up a stick, poked the tape.
Nothing.
"Haruto," I called. "Come here, kiddo."
He ran over. "Yeah?"
"Lesson one of ninja life: Never underestimate morons with tape."
I snapped the tape loose and tossed it aside.
Ding!
Death Flag neutralized. Congratulations.
"Ha!" I cheered. "Checkmate, death flag."
A deep voice chuckled behind me.
"Yo, what's all this about death flags?"
I turned.
Standing there was none other than Might Guy.
Bright green jumpsuit, bowl cut shining like a beacon of bad life choices.
Haruto gasped. "Is that a hero?"
I paled. Guy was a walking death flag by association.
He grinned. "How about a youthful training match, my friend?"
Ding!
New Death Flag detected: Death via overexertion and explosive diarrhea.
I backed away, hands raised. "Nope. Nope nope nope. Gotta go. Got… uh… death flags to dodge!"
And with that, I grabbed Haruto and booked it home, ignoring Guy's enthusiastic cries about youth and manly bonding.
Ding!
Death Flags for today: All cleared.
I sighed in relief as we reached our door.
Another day, another half-dozen stupidly improbable death flags dodged.
Haruto grinned. "You're weird, Papa."
"Better weird than dead, kiddo."