Honestly never thought I'd talk about this again, but it's been on my mind a lot lately so here I am... So way back when, when I was still trying to be "straight" you were the first person I felt a real connection to. I thought you could be the one, but unfortunately I was mistaken. See what we had was never real, but at the time I wasn't aware, or rather I was just oblivious to all of the signs. When I asked you to be my girlfriend, I thought when you said yes that you were serious, but after a while it became clear to me that you were just trying to avoid hurting my feelings. I'll take the blame for this though, because it was my fault for not realizing how I felt about you until after you got into a relationship with somebody else, but after that had ended I was there hoping that I could have you to myself. Now things started off fine, like we hung out and I felt like we were getting closer, but something still felt off when we were together, and I just never quite noticed it at the time. Like although we said we were together, we never once kissed, but I was able to touch you (even though I never did so sexually). Honestly I didn't think anything of it at the time though because I wasn't trying to be too mannish, nor was I trying to rush things between us, despite us knowing each other for so long.It wasn't until we started talking on the phone that I started finding out about your "friend" which turned out to be the person you were actually in a relationship with, and it wasn't me, however I did know the dude which just made matters even worse for me. See the thing I hated most about this relationship is that despite how long we've known each other, you just couldn't keep it real with me, but that was all I ever did with you. Rather than being honest with me and saying you didn't see me in that way, you led me to believe that we were in a relationship, while you went around creeping with some other guy behind the scenes. I mean I would've never found out had you not told me that this guy you were in school with at the time wanted to go to church with you, I mean that right there just didn't sit right with me because I knew how guys thought, and that was definitely the last thing on their mind at the time. I let it slide though because I was hoping I could trust you, but then when you called me that one night, and your mom hopped on the phone I finally found out the truth. Hearing that you came home with a hickey on your neck, and I hadn't even seen you let me know that you never cared for me the way I cared for you. You never saw me as anything more than a friend, but rather than telling me that, you just led me on to believe that we were in some sort of relationship, and I just blindly followed along. When it came time for prom, although we were in different schools at the time, you still said you would go with me, but you didn't invite me to your prom. You simply stated that you were going to your schools prom because you were on the prom committee, and that I wouldn't want to go with you because I didn't want to wear purple (which honestly didn't matter to me, I would've worn whatever color I needed to to match you, but you just didn't care enough to ask me before making your decision). So you went to prom with me, and even though I felt like things went well that night, nothing actually went as planned. I mean I wanted a goodnight kiss or something at least when we dropped you back off at home, but all I got was a hug and a wave goodbye. After you went to your schools prom, and I found out you didn't go alone. that's when I finally made my decision to "call things off" even though things had already ended long before... I simply changed my Facebook status back to single, and all of a sudden you hit me up asking what happened, and why I changed it. I just told you I did some thinking and thought it was just time to call it quits, but despite me saying so, not once did I ever see your relationship status change to single, which proved to me that you had been with him this whole time. It wasn't until some years later after high school was over and we were at the same college together that we started somewhat talking again, and that's when I got more confirmation on just how long your relationship with dude had been going on behind my back. I mean you got pregnant by this guy, and he left you as a single mother, and although I still had feelings for you, I wasn't willing to play stepdad, especially since you had a baby by a guy I knew, and couldn't even be honest enough to tell me the truth about things when you had the chance. So now we're in college, and you bring your baby over to visit me, and it wasn't until you told me his age that I realized that basically about 5 months after we were supposedly a couple, you had been seeing this other guy. Like literally about 2 months before I called off our "relationship" is when you claimed that you and him got together, and you got left with a son as a result of that bad decision. I mean it's your life so I can't say anything about it, but at the same time I knew the guy you had the baby with, I could've told you he wasn't shit beforehand, but due to the timing of when I found out, it would've only seemed as though I was jealous of him if I had told you what type of guy he was, so I just kept my mouth shut and let you find out for yourself. Now there used to be an inkling of hope that we could get things going again, like give us another chance, but after seeing your son, and him not liking me at the time, I just wasn't interested anymore. It was like we could still be friends (maybe), but I just couldn't see you anymore like I used to. I loved spending time with you, but despite all of that, you still did me like this and never even offered an apology or any type of explanation as to why you did this to me. Like to be completely honest, you were the first person outside of family, that I actually felt that I loved, but I'm glad I never said those words out loud. I loved you in silence, but I'm guessing I should've loved you louder, but honestly I'm not sure if it would've made a difference. I mean if my feelings had meant anything to you, I felt that you would've talked to me about things and just kept it real with me. I mean we've known each other since we were young, I would've liked it more had you been honest with me, than you lying to me trying to spare my feelings. Your lies just made things worse, because instead of sparing my feelings, you just broke me even more. I tried my best to get over these feelings, thinking we were just young and it didn't mean anything, but regardless of what I thought, I just knew I couldn't be around you the same way anymore. I mean, all this time I thought what we had was real, but it all just turned out to be a lie. Even when we started back talking, we couldn't quite go back to how we used to be and I honestly gave up on trying to repair this relationship, seeing as how it now came with extra baggage. I just wasn't willing to pick up the pieces for you after 'ol boy left you alone with the baby, but I was still trying to be friendly with you which is why I was willing to let you bring the kid over when you saw me. I used to wish you the best, hoping that you got whatever it was that you wanted in life, but after how you did me, all of that changed. I no longer cared about your well-being, nor did I want the best for you, because in a sense I felt like that included me, but I just couldn't make that happen anymore. I mean I was hurt and in my feelings, yet I was worried about trying to make you happy, after you were the one that made me feel this way. At least I can't blame you for me being gay, because I knew about that before even trying to be with you, but even after you I still tried to be with other females, it just never worked out as planned. Regardless of who I met and how well we connected, none of those other females could replace you in my heart. It took me about 10 years to finally move past the feelings I had for you, that I got to a point where even seeing you made me mad/upset, so I ended up blocking you on Facebook so I didn't have to worry about that anymore. In a sense I guess I dodged a bullet, but at the same time, things didn't have to be this way had you just been honest with me from the beginning. I just wish that our friendship meant more to you, the way it did to me...
