Chapter 19 - To Keenan, the one that got away...

Never really thought I'd be writing about you, but despite how much time has passed, you still cross my mind. I never quite got the chance to tell you how I felt when we were in contact with each other, and I regret being afraid to express my feelings for you. It's just that at the time I was still struggling to accept myself for who I was, so rather than admitting my feelings for you, I tried to suppress them hoping that maybe you would give me some type of sign that you may have been interested in me as well. We were in high school when we met, and the connection I had with you was just different from the one I had with all my other friends at the time. Even though you were my brother's friend at first, it almost seemed like I stole you away from him because our relationship seemed closer than the one you and him had together. Since we weren't in the same grade we didn't talk much at school since we didn't cross each other's paths often, but almost everyday after school we would meet up online to play the game. It wasn't until after I graduated that I started thinking more about our relationship and how I actually felt about you though. I mean you were the only person around that I was open to talking to about what was bothering me, or all the dark thoughts that would periodically cross my mind at the time. Regardless of what we talked about you made me feel accepted, or like you understood me, which was something nobody else around did at the time. You were able to sympathize with me on certain things, and it felt good just having somebody to vent to from time to time. I thought to myself thought you could be the one (my first), but at the same time I didn't want to read too much into things because I still wasn't exactly sure what it was you were interested in/wanted (if anything). I tried my best to ignore my feelings and just continue this friendship because honestly, it was one of the best things I could've asked for at the time. Any time we lost touch with each other (due to you getting a new number or something), you reactivated your Facebook account just to get my number again so we could continue communicating again. If I hadn't known any better at the time, I would've thought you actually had feelings for me, because you made it very clear how much you didn't like social media at the time, so for you to reactivate your page just for me, really got me thinking... Well everything seemed good at least for a while until you ended up moving away to a different state. Then our communication started to fall off, we didn't talk as often as we used to or play the game together as much, it was like you just kind of abandoned me in a sense. I mean the last message I remember receiving from you said something along the lines of, "I have to get used to this new lifestyle" (not exactly what was said, but just how it appeared to me, plus it was years ago so I don't remember the exact phrasing) and when I asked what you meant about that, I never heard from you again. I still periodically tried to reach out to you in hopes that we could still continue our friendship, and I could continue getting to know what I loved about you, but unfortunately the responses never came back, and I was just left talking to myself. It was like after all this time of things seeming so well, everything just fell apart so quickly because you moved, and I had no idea why you stopped talking to me. Now there was a time when I got a text message from a number I didn't know (also an area code I didn't recognize at the time), and after the fact I thought it may have been you, but at the time of the interaction whoever it was didn't want to give me their name, they just wanted me to confirm whether I was who they were looking for. It was the arrogance of the text messages that made me think it might've been you, because one message in particular said that, "if you are him, you would've said you were" which was true before when we originally first started talking, but by this time some years had passed, and things had changed for me. I hadn't given my number out to anybody new at the time, so for this unknown number to text me out of the blue threw me off, and although I had my suspicions, since you didn't want to give me any information, I couldn't give you anything (apparently we're both just stubborn like that). I believe I ended that conversation by saying, "good luck finding whoever you're looking for" or at least something along those lines, before I'm assuming they blocked my number. Still throughout the years since that time, I've randomly tried to text that number in hopes that maybe I'd get a response to try and confirm whether or not it was actually you I was talking to at the time, but a response never came back. I tried to look for social media pages for you, but I guess that was one thing about you that never changed, because I couldn't find any active pages to reach out to (or at least any page I thought was actually you). Eventually I gave up on the search, but I just couldn't get rid of the feelings I felt for you. I mean it's been over at least 10 years since we've communicated, and I still think of you to this day. I want nothing more than to get back in touch and hopefully pick up where we left off from, but it seems like that's just not possible, seeing as how I have no way to find you, and you're no longer reaching out for me... I just hope that you're doing good, and living a great life wherever you are. I wish you'd reach out to me again for old times sake, I mean although I don't use that Facebook page anymore, I still have access to it if you were to message me again, but that's just wishful thinking. I just miss my friend, the only one I was able to open up to, even though I didn't fully tell you everything about me, I was working up to it. Maybe this will find you wherever you are in life, and maybe we can hop back on the game and play some Left for Dead, for old times sake...