It's been a few days since everything become... Weird.
Not because the weather, or the sky look cloudy more than usual. But it's because of her.. Fukamizu.
Usually, even though we're not in the same class, she always find a way to get close to me. Texting me about something small, waiting for me at the gate, greet me at hallway, or say my name in the crowd like the word it's only the two of us
But these days... It's lonely
There's no message from her since weekend. No good morning, even no complain about her math homework that she hate the most.
Today afterschool, my step feels light but my heart feels heavy. Usually I will search for her, hoping for her to suddenly showing and smiling like she used too. But today... I walk without a way.
I don't know why, I choose to detour. Walking through small alley and shops that I didnt see before. And then, I arrived at a place that should be warm for me... A small ice shop at the corner.
A place we walk together. That full of laughter and a sweet feelings.
But...
I see her.. Fukamizu
Standing in front of the shop. Wearing a black hoddie, and a casual pants, she's chuckled while looking down, and beside her, a girl.
That girl look happy. A shoulder lenght short hair, a flashy red ribbon on her head. She's jumping while holding Fukamizu's hand, while pointing at a store like a Little kid who can't wait to eat ice cream.
And she... Fukamizu.. Smiling. Even holding that girl hand gently as they walk in together.
I froze.
Who is she?.
I don't know. I never saw that girl before. Not from our school, not from class that i know of.
And... Didn't she tell me that she's an only child?.
But... I didn't know anything. No explanation.
I didn't know why my heart beating so fast like this. Why is my head feels hot. And why does my eyes too..
Only one thing that I know.. I want to go away from there.
I turned around, fast. My heart beating fast. My leg trembling.
Idiot... Why did I feel like this..
At home, I sit at the edge on my bed. The room feels lonely. Even though there's rain sound coming from outside.
My hand holding my phone. I see that name "Fukamizu" That still on my up list.
I clicked. Our chat opens.
Still... Empty.
I write "Hey, where have you been? ". I delete it shortly after.
Then I write something again " You were busy? " Then I delete it again.
(Why didn't you tell me?)
(Who am I to you?)
My chest felt tight. It was like there was a big knot I couldn't untie. My hands gripped the pillow tightly, and I lowered my head... Silent.
At that time.. That feeling showing.
I'm jealous.
Jealous. Not because she was smiling to another person.
But jealous because she didn't tell me.
Because I didn't have place on that small things.
And I feel... Hurt.
(Maybe this is more than feeling lonely).
(Maybe... I love her?).
Not as a friend. But as someone whose heart.. I want to have.
I look at window that's wet because of the rain.
And for the first time... I feel afraid.
I am afraid that she's going to leave me forever.
I'm afraid that me didn't have such meaning to her life.
Afraid.. That all of this.. Is one sided.