Current Alias:Emperor Rizzus the Unstable, Lover of Accidents, Husband(?) of Destiny
Okay. Deep breath.
Let me tell you how I, Boom, a walking apocalypse with less emotional stability than Twitter during a celebrity scandal, accidentally got married.
I know what you're thinking.
"Boom. Again? How?"
Well, same way I do everything:I sneezed.And the UN had to invent an entire new Intergalactic Marriage Law.
Let me explain.
🎙️ Act 1: The Peace Talks of Planet Hugonia
So, the Galaxy Council called me over.
They were like:
"Boom, you've destroyed 14 kingdoms this week just by existing. We need peace. We need diplomacy. We need... you to stop breathing near planets."
Fair.
So I showed up.
In a suit.
Yes, a literal galaxy-crushing entity wore a tuxedo.I looked like if James Bond and a Chernobyl reactor had a baby.
Sitting across from me?Princess Zalaria, the Peace Emissary of Hugonia.Elegant. Serene. Glowing like a Pinterest LED cloud lamp.
I waved politely. She fainted.
Apparently, my "polite aura" melted half the delegation table.
💥 Act 2: The Mistake Heard Around the Cosmos
The peace treaty was simple:
Don't destroy anyone.
Apologize to the 42 alien races I accidentally obliterated last Tuesday.
Sign here.
I tried to sign.
But my pen exploded.
So naturally, I finger-gunned a signature.
And in doing so, I winked at the princess.A normal, friendly wink.
But in Hugonian culture?
A wink during diplomacy is a sacred marriage proposal.
And a finger gun?
That's the ancient sign of lifelong commitment and eternal loyalty.
I got legally married by accident.
A choir broke into tears.Fireworks went off.A unicorn-shaped alien screamed "IT IS FULFILLED."
The priest appeared from another dimension like:
"By the laws of the Boomverse and the Church of Rizz, I now pronounce you BOOM and wife."
🧨 Act 3: The Wedding That Wasn't Meant to Be
I tried to object.
The entire planet started vibrating.
So I held it in.
She said "I do."
I said "I guess??"
Confetti cannons exploded across three solar systems.
There was cake.
I never asked for cake.
It exploded.
Meanwhile, YOU, yes YOU, reader, sitting in your crusty chair in pajamas that haven't been washed since the dinosaurs went extinct—
You're giggling like:
"Hehe Boom got married LOLZ 😂."
Bro. Don't laugh.You can't even text your crush without typing and deleting "hey" fourteen times.
You're out here reading this romantic disaster while ghosting people who said "hi" too enthusiastically on Tinder.
Boom has more rizz than your entire bloodline.
Also, I see you, author.
Trying to write romance like:
"Let's give Boom emotional depth."
I have the emotional range of a microwave, and you want me to feel "connected"?
Bro, I literally vaporized a rose I tried to hand her because I sneezed mid-sentence.
💔 Bonus: My Wedding Vows
They asked me to say vows.
So I said:
"I vow to never use over 0.0000001% of my power... unless I trip."
Then I tripped.
The wedding hall became a black hole.
So yeah.
I'm married now.
Don't know where she is.She got launched into the stratosphere during the kiss.
But she sent me a text:
"Best. Wedding. Ever. 💖"
And also:
"You owe my planet 3 oceans."
📢 Reader Comments:
💬 "BOOM got married before me. I am unalived emotionally."
💬 "This man has accidental RIZZ. I can't compete."
💬 "My wedding was cheaper but didn't cause any planetary destruction. Mid."
💬 "This novel is therapy, trauma, and Twitter all rolled into one."