The Dark Lord's POV:
*Sigh*
"Would you get out of that already?!" I requested from my silly fiancée.
"Hey! Don't knock it 'til you try it! Anyways, what's the job?" She spoke, picking up her cup of sake.
After wrapping her in that anti-magic-cloth, I had carried her to my palace to discuss some important matters. Of course, it all just went in one ear and out the other, but the moment I mentioned a monetary reward if she behaved, her arms, legs and head, tore through the artifact I had swaddled her in, making her look like a giant sausage with limbs as she followed me. As humorous as I find her antics, it would be problematic if she suddenly decided to wear something strange for our date. So, I tried to get her to change, but no matter how many dresses I presented her with, she refused to take off the anti-magic-cloth.
"You looked ridiculous, but at least it is better than what you were doing before!"
"Bleh! The tea tastes like shit! Could you just get to the point already! I have a ton of things I want to do now that I am a free burrito!"
"Hehe! Sure, but first, this great lord wants to know why his woman suddenly decided to make herself at home in the Frost Palace of all places?"
"Which of your women are you talking about?"
"Hehe! Who else do you think?"
"Well, there was prisoner nr. 0052, who made out with your underwear, then there was prisoner nr. 0079 that got caught spicing your drink! 0123 through 0130 who snuck into your bed for a surprise booty call / orgy, and let's not forget about good old nr 003-!"
"THEY ARE NOT MY WOMEN, SO JUST STOP!" I spoke, as I could feel my stomach start to churn from recalling all the perverts I sent to the Frost Palace.
"Sure, they're not!" Nox said in a sarcastic tone.
"THEY ARE NOT GOD DAMN IT!" I screamed in denial.
The very thought of what some of those perverts tried to do to me still sends chills down my spine.
"Okay, then who?" She asked.
"It's you! You are my woman!"
"The people here sure have some weird names! Who calls their kids 'You'! Anyways, where can I find 'Crybaby'? I need to talk to him about babysitting Meathead, Wimp and Slowpoke!"
"I honestly cannot tell whether you are mocking me or being serious, so I will just get to the point!"
"Finally!"
"I need you to accompany me-"
"Can do!" She spoke, before I could finish.
"As my pregnant consort!"
"Can't do!" She corrected herself as she stood up to leave.
However, I was not finished explaining, nor could I let her decline this request.
*Pop*
"It is not what you think! Just hear me out!"
"If you want to knock someone up then you have about thirty thirsty girls in the frozen pizza alliance you can choose from!"
"Eww no! You misunderstood me! You don't actually have to be pregnant! I just need you to pretend to be!"
"That is uh… What?"
Upon hearing my words, she gave me a look of confusion I haven't witnessed since the day I first proposed. It is actually kind of cute as she tilts her head like a puppy when she doesn't understand.
"Even when dressed like a giant sausage, you're adorable!"
"Oh! You have brain damage! I can fix that actually!" She said as she pulled out a hacksaw.
"What? No! Hey, stop that!" I spoke, as I confiscated the blade she tried to cut me with.
"Want to be difficult! Well, I have just the right tool-! Oh, right! The painstick won't work cause you're a serious masochist!"
"Pft? HAHAHAHAHA!"
I could not stop myself from laughing. Some, or most would probably call me a sadist, but I do not think there is a single person on this earth other than her, who would call me a masochist. Normally, I would refute such a thing, but when I recall all the beatings I have taken from her with a smile on my face, I can't help but wonder myself.
"Well, whatever! Have fun with a damaged brain, I guess?" My sausage shaped woman said as she went towards the window.
However, I still wasn't done explaining, so I lifted her up and placed her on my lap, while trying not to laugh from the image of me with a giant sausage on my lap reflected in the window.
"Hm? Hey!"
"Pft! Be *giggle* quiet and *Chuckle* listen!" I spoke.
While I was trying to recompose myself, my beloved started sipping more of the alcohol I had set aside for this talk. It is a high-quality vintage only sold on the 3rd continent that is supposed to calm the nerves.
"Nox! How much do you know about me and the Dark Empire's origins?"
"*Gulp* Nah! Still taste like shit! Anyways, you're from the 3rd continent. You're turning 19 year's on April's fool's day which I find hilarious. You took over the throne of some backwater country on the north-western corner of this continent as a child, only to lose it almost immediately to some snobs. You then ended up jumping ship to the 1st continent and went to town on the local nations, growing your forces before hopping back over to the 2nd continent for some payback, before ending up in a stalemate on both continents, until you snubbed my pay, assaulted my kids and robbed my base. Then you pummeled this continent into submission before I kicked you out of the other one!"
"…!"
"What?"
"It's nothing!"
With how silly she is normally I wasn't expecting a straight answer, nor was I aware she held this much knowledge on the matter.
"Then you did know that the Dark Empire is actually a principality?" I inquired, as I was about to reveal the darker history of this continent.
"Yup!"
"Huh?"
Taking another mouthful of alcohol she began to speak.
"*Gulp* I've already read up on this continent's history! There are plenty of clues to suggest that the majority of the continent's nations were connected in some way to the 3rd continent! Forgetting the fact that you immediately became king over your own nation after arriving here as a child, you're the monarch of an empire, but your title is Dark 'Lord' rather than Dark 'Emperor'. Given how pompous you are in general, I find it strange you would hesitate to use the title of 'Emperor' while ruling an empire."
"Hm! I guess my Noxy has been paying more attention than I thought!" I spoke as I started cuddling the giant sausage.
"Hey, stop it! You're gonna make me spill my tea! Hm?" She said, as she tried to hold on to her cup of alcohol with a look of confusion in her eyes.
"Then did you know that this great lord is the next in line for the throne of a superpower on the 3rd continent!"
"Huh? Oh! So, the whole Dark Empire is just some messed up simulation game to see who the best monarch would be!" She said as her attention was turned away from the cup in her hands.
"Hehe! Indeed! I'm surprised you figured it out so fast! However, there is a little bit more to the succession trials then that!"
"Like killing your siblings or …" I could see the lights go on in her drunken head as she went silent.
"I believe I once told you that it becomes harder for cultivators to make children, correct? Well, for immortals, it is almost impossible, which is why it is tradition for any monarch of my homeland to first sire an heir before taking the throne! That is where you come in!"
"AND YOU JUST ASSUME I CAN FAKE A PREGNANCY!" She suddenly shouted angerly.
"Well, I-!"
"*Giggle* Nah, I'm just yanking your chain! Sure, I'll play your fake pregnant wife, but it will cost you! Also, I want my money up front this time!" She spoke as she started giggling cutely.
Let out a sigh of relief once she agreed as I could feel a weight being lifted off my chest, as I started partaking in the alcohol as well.
"Eww! What's with the gross expression on your face! It's creeping me out!"
"*Gulp* I am just relieved you said yes! I worried you would reject the idea *gulp*!"
"*Gulp* If you were that worried then you could have just humped some chick and called it a day!"
"*Gulp* I could never cheat on my lovely wife to be! *Gulp* Also, other women creep me out!"
"Huh! So, all I have to do to make you go away is act like a freak, and eat your underwear!*Gulp*"
"Ugh! Don't remind me! *Gulp* Those freaks have been throwing themselves at me since before I was old enough to understand what they wanted! You have no idea what a curse it is to be this handsome!"
"*Gulp* Oh, I thought nr. 0032 was a little too old? So, she was a pedophile! Well, at least all they want is to just eat your clothes, fuck you and wear your skin! Meanwhile, uglies like me got stoned, stabbed and hunted like animals!"
"Anyone who thinks you're ugly might as well be blind!"
"Hey, is it just me or is the room starting to shake?" She inquired as she seemed to get a bit tipsy, as she cutely started to wobble back and forth on my lap.
"Hehe! You did drink a lot!"
"What does my tea addiction have to do with why there is three of you! Did you spike my drink with something?"
"Pft! So, you really thought the alcohol I brought was tea? I thought you were just calling it the wrong thing again!"
"Wait?! ALCOHOL?! SHIT! I Need to, .. two…! *Hiccup*"
Upon realizing what she was drinking, my cute little Noxy suddenly panicked before drifting off to sleep in my arms, occasionally making some very cute hiccup sounds while she rested peacefully in my lap. However, ruining this peaceful moment, came my brother-in-law.
"HEY BIG! Sis?"
*Hiccup*
"When did I say you could interrupt my-!"
"Hush! Boss! Be quiet!" He whispered after rudely shushing this great lord.
*Hiccup*
I could feel my blood pressure rising just from looking at his annoying hat. For some reason it always bothered me, the way it kind of looked like a floppy crown with bells on it.
"Ugh! I think I may have had a bit too much as well!"
"Boss! Listen! This is important! You need to carefully lay my big sis on the floor without waking her, then slowly and silently follow me out of the room!"
*Hiccup*
"Hmph! Are you suggesting I leave my wife to sleep on the floor?"
"Shh! You don't understand! It is dangerous to be near her right now!"
"Hmph! If you're worried, I can't handle her violent sleep habits then stop! I managed her last time, though she practically tore my clothes of as I held her down!" I said, recalling the time I first brought her to the dark palace back on the 1st continent.
I had just started moving towards Latnose after becoming a nascent soul, when Noxy suddenly started attacking me while I held her broken body in my arms. She would kick, punch, claw and bite, like a rabid animal all the way until the dark palace, where she eventually quieted down a little once I figured out my control over my qi had increased to a point where I could use it to restrain her without harming her.
"No, it's not that! It's-! OH SHIT!"
*Pop*
*SWOOSH*
*SMASH*
Just then, my brother-in-law teleported out of the room, right before something smashed through the walls in his direction. Looking down I noticed that Noxy was suddenly gone.
"Huh? I must be drunker than I thought! When did she leave my arms?"
Walking out of the room, I followed her trail of destruction. She seemed to have gone in a straight line, smashing through each and every wall, person or whatever else might have stood in her path, until she left the building. Slowly sobering myself up by channeling my qi, I spotted her. She was fast asleep in the garden, while dangling from a tree branch that caught on to the ragged anti-magic-cloth she was wearing. Though, something felt a bit off about her.
"Hehe! This kind of reminds me of the piñata you showed me when we first met!" I chuckled as I approached her.
*Crack*
"Huh? Wait isn't that your mask?"
Looking down, I saw the shattered remains of my Noxy's mask beneath my feet. It must have fallen off when she fell asleep. I had accidentally stepped on it while walking up to her. Remembering how she got the last time this thing came off, I nervously looked up, half expecting to be greeted by the sight of a giant blue fireball heading my way.
*Hiccup*
But fortunately, she was still snoozing up in the tree, fast asleep. I let out a sigh of relief as I made a mental note to look for a new mask after I take her to bed. However, …
*BANG*
*SWOOSH*
Just as I was about to try and get her down, I felt a sudden pain in my cheek before the world began to blur. At first, I thought it was just the alcohol, but then as I could feel my body scraping along the ground, I realized that something had sent me flying. Whatever it was, it had enough force to nearly rip my jaw off my head as half my mouth was dangling off my face.
Now fully sober, I forced my jaw back into place. Fortunately, my bloodline happens to include a rather good regenerative ability, or this might have left a scar on my handsome face. It is not as good as Fuji's which could regrow his entire body, but it can easily reattach limbs or even grow new ones under the right conditions, with little to no repercussions.
"Where am I? WAIT IS THAT THE 2ND MOON?!"
The 2nd moon is currently preparing for the trip back to the 3rd continent, meaning it should be on the western edge of the continent, but I was currently standing right under it. I had been in the air for less than a minute, but I had apparently flown all the way from the center of the continent to the western edge.
"Just how durable am I?" I wondered as even I was astonished whatever just hit me didn't blow my head off my shoulders.
"Shit Nox!"
After making sure my perfect jawline was back to its perfect self, I recalled the very person whom I wanted to protect my face for, being alone with whatever just did this to me, and began rushing back to the Dark Palace.
It took me about 10 minutes to get back using a mix of light and spatial techniques, but what greeted me was…
"WAAAAA! I'M SORRY I USED YOU AS LIVE BAIT WHILE FISHING FOR SEAMONSTERS!"
"I FORGIVE YOU NOW LET GO OF ME! HEY, STOP RUBBING YOUR SNOTTY FACE ON MY NEW ROBE!"
"WAAAA!"
Before me in the crumbling ruins of my palace sat Noxy, crying and whaling as she clung on to my court mage Alex who was trying to squirm out of her embrace, while wearing a mask with glass eyes and a beak.