Nox's POV:
So, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. Good news is, that job interview I thought was another scam, turned out to be real, and I am expecting to be paid as soon as the playboy wakes up. The bad news is that when I looked through my encyclopedia of possible roofie drugs, I forgot to check for alcohol in my drinks.
While I do have a universal poison immunity thanks to my handy-dandy aura, it only really works if it's a lethal dose, otherwise I'll have to manually remove it. So, I ended up getting shwasted and got tricked into doing some really embarrassing things, like hugging the playboy.
"I did get to break his ribs, so that's a plus at least!"
*SMACK*
"SILENCE! SCUM!" Mister grumpy face shouted as he whipped me.
"Hey, if you could aim a little higher! I have been feeling kind of itchy all over after I sobered up!"
"I SAID SILENCE!"
"AND I SAID I HAVE AN ITCH!"
Once I snapped out of my drunken stupor, just as I managed to put on a new mask, Mr. grumpy face and his friends over there found us and got so angry at the playboy for sleeping on the job, he decided to send him to a big farm a few blocks away. Meanwhile he treated me and my Crybaby to a lovely day at this spa-resort, where the motto is 'Do not let a customer lift a finger', which is why they tied us up before getting started.
"Well, at least it's not the frost palace! Hey, master, if I die before the Boss wakes up, could you take revenge on uncle on my behalf! I'm still kind of mad he stole my candy!"
*SMACK*
"I SAID SILENCE!"
"Hm? He went on a candy raid without me! And didn't even spare some of it for me! He's dead, when I get my hands on him!"
*SMACK*
"Oh thanks! Now if you could aim a bit to the right next!" I said, thanking the staff member for whipping the itch away.
*Crowd Laughing*
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, as a way to advertise this new resort they decided to make me and my Crybaby's whip massage a public event. Though, I am afraid to say it, this poor excuse for a spa, is nothing compared to the frozen pizza alliance spa-resort, where all the staff is illegally required to cross-dress, the grumpy rat commander is locked in his forever home the timeout corner, and the weather is always negotiable. Too bad the playboy snitched to the health inspectors and got us shut down for not having the heart to kill the rat in the timeout corner. I mean, what were we supposed to do, he was already evicted from his last home by the evil playboy and whoever this dastardly tall and beautiful mage was.
"Anyways, if you're looking for employees I think I know a few good maids that would be happy to help!"
*Crowd laughing*
"DAMN IT! LET'S JUST START THE EXECUTION!" The Mister Grumpy red face shouted as he finally understood how ineffective whips are for itches.
"Oo! A knife! That might work! Now, if you could start with my neck! Its where it itches the most!"
*Stabb*
"Well, someone failed anatomy class! I said the neck not the leg! Can you hear me?" I said as I watched the knife-guy stab into my right thigh.
*Loud laughter*
"AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE DARK EMPIRE, YOU NOX MANUS, AND FORMER COURT MAGE ALEX MANUS, ARE SENTENCED TO DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS!"
*Loud Laughter*
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE CROWD'S LAUGHTER! YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDER!" My Crybaby disciple shouted as his knife-guy just sliced off a layer of flesh from his left thigh.
*Loud Laughter*
"SILENCE!!!"
"WHAT?!"
"I SAID SILENCE!!!"
"NO, I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU! THESE LONG EARS AREN'T THAT GOOD AT TUNING OUT BACKROUND NOISE! YOU'LL HAVE TO GET CLOSER!" My Crybaby said, using a trick I taught him a long time ago.
"I SAID SI-!"
*Bang*
"NOBODY MOVES, OR THIS GUY GETS IT!"
The good old, pretend to be deaf so you can take a hostage trick. One of the many things I beat into that boy was escape artistry. Forget this basic as enchanted rope, by the time he turned 13 he would have been able to pick his way out of playing solitary inside the frozen pizza alliance. Though he probably would have gotten caught right after. Safe to say, he could have gotten out of this rope forever ago, but chose not to, because he was waiting for this exact moment where an important looking guy got within grabbing distance.
"I feel so proud! My little Crybaby is growing up to be a fine young terrorist! *sniffle* It almost brings a tear to my eye!" I said, still waiting for my knife guy to scratch my neck while I watch my son, holding a 4th tier magic circle to a guy's head.
"NA, A, AH! NOT ANOTHER STEP, OR I BLOW THIS GUY'S HEAD CLEAN OF HIS NECK! I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS GUY OUTSIDE THE CAPITAL, BEFORE RELEASING HIM, BUT IF I SEE A SINGLE SOLDIER BLOCK MY PATH! THEN YOU CAN KISS HIS HEAD GOODBYE!"
"Hm? Oh, you're leaving already? You want a complementary cancer potion before you leave?" I asked.
"Hm? Oh right! Sure thanks! I kind of forgot I was bleeding for a second!"
"Well, that's no good! Just because you can take the pain without crying now, doesn't mean you should just ignore it! Pain is an important danger signal after all!" I said as I got out of my rope, splashed on some almost expired hp potions I had in spatial storage before tying myself back up.
"Hm? Maybe I should add some electro-stimulation massages to my next spa-resort? I'm sure my electric chairs will have a high enough voltage to loosen anyone's muscles!" I muttered to myself as I was trying to come up with good ideas to save this failing spa-resort.
While I was planning for what to do after my inevitable takeover of this spa-resort, my Crybaby made his way out the front gate with his new friend in tow. Unfortunately, it was only after they left that I remembered I had a task for my big boy and his uncle, but I guess its not that urgent so I focused on enjoying the knife massage I was being treated to.
*Crowd laughing*
"No! You are still not getting it! I said the neck! THE NECK! That's my arm, you doofus! Wait are you deaf? Hold on, I speak sign language!" I said as I freed my hands to communicate to this deaf knife guy, but alas, he seems to be blind as well.
While I certainly can't blame him for being deaf and blind, it does make me wonder how he got this job. Fifty-fifty, he is either impressively skilled with his knife, or he knows the guy running this joint. If not for wanting to give this hardworking man a chance to prove himself, and this massage being free, and therefore objectively awesome, I would have just taken of the rope and stabbed myself.
"I am sad to say it knife-guy, but nepotism won't be tolerated in my spa-resort, so I'll have to demote you!" I said, as he cut off a layer of skin on my forearm.
*BOOM*
Just as the poor blind and deaf knife-guy finally seemed to get what I was saying and brought the knife close to my neck, there was a sudden volcanic eruption from the playboy farm building in the distance. I could see pieces of the building raining down from the sky, only to disintegrate before hitting the ground by the aura fire that was burning it.
*Splash*
"HEY! Come on man! He had already been demoted an unknown number of days before retirement! Killing him is just pouring salt on the wound!" I said to the playboy after he basically ran at the knife-guy so fast that he turned his victim into a stain on the floor upon collision.
"WHO DARED DO THIS TO MY WOMAN?!" The playboy shouted with red and black fire bursting out of his face.
"Hm? Woman? Oh, right? That's me!" I muttered.
With my drunken rampage yesterday, coupled with this spontaneous whip and knife massage, I had kind of forgotten I had agreed to be this playboy's fake preggo wife, so his intolerant parents wouldn't disown him for being free and gay.
"Psst! Hey, playboy! So, which ones in the crowd are your visiting parents?" I whispered.
"Hehe! Fine, if no one will step forwards than I will just burn you all!" The playboy said as he looked about ready to barbeque the whole city.
"YOUR LORDSHIP! THANK THE HEAVENS! YOU HAVE RETURNED! THIS DEVIL DESTROYED THE HOLY PALACE IN YOUR ABSENCE!!!" My art fan shouted as he jumped out of the crowd in a kneeling posture.
"Hey, if it isn't my old fan whatshisface! I see you washed my autograph off by accident! You want a new one?" I asked, pulling out my paint brush.
"I BESEECH YOU NOT TO BE BLINDED BY THIS DEVIL'S TRICKS AND SMITE THIS UNHOLY CREATURE, BEFORE SHE BRINGS RUIN TO THIS HOLY LAND!!!"
"Chen Jing? Did you have something to do with this?!" The playboy asked in an angry tone.
"Y-YOUR HOLYNESS! ALAS MY LORD, I KNOW THAT WHEN YOU AWAKEN FROM THIS DEVIL'S CURSE UPON YOUR MIND, YOU WILL CERTAINLY REWARD THE CHAMPION WHO-!"
*BANG*
"NOW HOLD YOUR HORSES SONNY JIM! I MEAN, WIFE DEAREST!" I said, as I lassoed the playboy's fist off course, so it just missed my greatest customer's old head.
"Nox!? Why are you stopping me?!" The playboy said as he turned his fiery face to me.
"Oof! It is at times like this you make me worry about our child's future! Even a loving mother like me wouldn't be able to stomach having a child with a mug as ugly as yours! I mean even the bullies would be traumatized when trying to mug em!"
"Child!?"
"Hm?! Oh, right!"
After he finally remembered what he hired me for, the playboy finally calmed down enough to have a rational conversation with my nr. 1 fan of erotic playboy content.
"CHILD?! YOU ARE CARRYING THE GREAT LORD'S CHILD?!"
Unfortunately, the fanboy got too excited at the thought of a sequel to the playboy 'Playboy jr. the babying', that he couldn't wait for it to come into the nearest theater, and started trying to shake it out of me. Poor old fanboy will never see the movie hit the theaters. It is at times like this I recall why I retired as a magical girl, it breaks my heart every time I lie to these crazed maniacs, giving them false hope of a brighter tomorrow for geeks everywhere, when in reality they are doomed to live in their mother's basement forever.
"I a-m p-l-a-n-n-i-n-g o-n i-t! N-o-w s-t-o-p s-h-a-k-i-n t-h-e u-n-b-o-r-n b-a-b-y!" I said, as he shook me back and forth at dangerous speeds.
The look of whatever that face he was making, broke my heart. Fortunately, there is nothing a crap load of money can't fix and I have a rich fake sugar daddy I can squeeze some out of after this.
"Hm? I wonder how White-Beard's doing these days?" I muttered to myself as I recalled my last sugar daddy who framed me for a ton of crimes, before ditching me at Walpurgisnacht.
"It's a miracle! I thought I would never see the day, but the lord has blessed us with the coming of his descendants!" The fanboy said as he fell to his knees and prayed for the sequel.
"Don't cry, fanboy! I will give you some more of that 'art' if you want, just dry your tears, and maybe donate to the future playboy while you're at it!" I said, trying to discreetly sell him some more smut in public.
"Hm? Art? Noxy, what kind of art are you talking about?" The playboy asked, interrupting my smut peddling operation.
My non-existent god, this guy has a talent for being annoying. First, he ruins my spa-resort in all of the five minutes he was there, and now he is poking his nose into my smut peddling. No matter what happens, I cannot let him know about this business venture, or he might shut it down, or worse, want a cut off the revenue. I absolutely refuse to share my money with this sleazebag.
"It is nothing for you to worry about dear wife of mine! Women like you shouldn't poke your noses into the business of men! Now go make me a sandwich!" I said, reciting a line I once heard another such sleazebag say once upon a time.
Playboys have their own language, and if I have correctly cracked the code of these mysterious creatures from some dark and gross dimension, then these words will shut him up, and possibly get me a sandwich in the process.
"PFT! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Damn! Back to the drawing board I guess!" I said, as I realized that the secrets behind these strange creatures have eluded me once again.
"Wifey, dearest! You know you shouldn't be out here playing these dangerous games! Now be good and sit still while your husband takes care of these naughty people who dared lay a hand on you!"
This was bad. While I can't translate the gibberish that comes out of his mouth, body language is pretty much the same for everyone who has a humanoid body. So, he is either about to do some sort of weird mating ritual, or he is going to kill everybody, including my best customer.
"I SAID GO GET ME A SANDWICH!" I said as I bonked him on the head with the pain stick.
Funnily enough, instead of the white flood I was sure would follow, the playboy just held his head in pain instead.
"Ouch! Hey, what was that for?! And why did it hurt so much!"
"Hm?"
*Bonk*
"QUIT IT! GIVE ME OUCH! WHAT THE HELL?!" The playboys screamed as he tried to yank the pain stick out of my hands, only to let go out of pain when he touched it.
It would seem as though the pain stick has made a miraculous comeback after its previous defeat at the hands of this super masochist.
"Is it the crowd? Hm? But when we first met, you didn't seem to mind walking around half naked! I thought for sure you were also an exhibitionist, did your tastes change?"
"WHAT ARE YOU-! *Bonk* AAH! I SAID STOP IT! NOX!"
*Bonk*
"HOLY MOTHER! PLEASE CALM YOUR-!"
*Bonk*
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!"
I then soundly beat my new fake wife, and his fanboy, to establish dominance in this temporary relationship, and definitely not because I was still mad about the spa-resort raid, his numerous attempts to sabotage whatever I was doing at any given time, and least of all my infinite money scheme.
"AAAAAAHHHH! PLEASE STOP! I GIVE UP! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!"
After playing an epic drum solo on this playboy's noggin, the entire crowd looked on in aw upon my amazing musical prowess. Where else can you find someone capable of turning this no-good playboy into an instrument? Aside from the drug addict I got this idea from.
"Is it over? Has my soul been cleansed of my passed sins by the fires of purgatory?"
"Hm? I guess even the pain stick can't cure fanboys!" I said, feeling pity for the old fanboy as his condition only seemed to worsen.
"Now about that art!"
"HOLY MOTHER! I BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS!!!" The fanboy shouted as he kowtowed at my feet.
*sigh*