Every night since the Photosynthesis I have night terrors about it. I would wake up with cold sweats bolting awake screaming and Vi would be there to wipe the sweat and tears away. Every night multiples times a night she would be there doing this for me. Now it has been a week since the Photosynthesis and everyday Vi is in this room with me never leaving a moment nursing me back to health. She has a pocket mirror she brings in the bed and she sits next to me everyday many times a day making me look at myself and making me say 'I love me' to myself. Telling me affirmations in the process. Cuddling with me and telling me how much I mean to her. If it wasn't for her being here and if I had enough energy to move I probably would have killed myself. I have a sense of duty to the goddess but the pain was terrible that sometimes death felt like the only escape. Having experienced it before, I know it is not that bad. It only hurts for a brief moment then no pain at all. Nothing like this pain of living.
Living is hard.
Vi is my light in the darkness. She is my sun. The warmth I feel from her gives me goosebumps like a sauna. I am still broken, still constantly falling apart but she keeps putting me back together again. She is the only reason I am not a broken up mess right now or dead right now. With her help I feel like I can unlock my magic again.
I ask Vi before our daily mirror positivity session, "How is Ash doing? Any change?" Vi looks like I just reminded her of something she meant to tell me, "He is conscious as of this morning and I can tell he misses you." I ask, missing my best friend, "Would it be possible to either carry me or wheel me to him? I would very much like to see him." Vi replies after thinking for a moment, "Actually, since he is doing better in his recovery, we might be able to relocate him here." She gets up and goes to the door and says something to someone and then comes back, "Ok, where were we?" crawling into bed, "Oh yea. We were about to talk about everything we love about you today." She pulls the mirror out and gets close and holds it in front of us. She says looking at our reflection, "I'll start. I love your soul. You could be in a completely different body and I would still love you." I look at my reflection and numbly and dishonestly reply, "I love me." She replies, "I love your eyes." I repeat, "I love me." Vi continues, "I love waking up next to you." She says as she touches me gently, dragging her fingertips across my arm. I replied, "I love me." She replies, "I love your dimples when you smile" I reply again…
Repeating these words 'I love me' over and over again to myself as she continues to tell me things she loves about me. I am just saying them. I don't mean it. How could I? So much has been taken from me. I have lost precious friends. Ash is hurt and it is all because of this beautiful body and my light magic. If I didn't have these, then Prince Julio wouldn't have powered up and they would have been able to take him. My chest would be tightening now if I weren't still saying 'I love me' to my own reflection. I am saying it out of pure habit now. Tuning out her words not intentionally just out of depression feeling very numb. I place my face on her shoulder and continue saying 'I love me' but I start to cry. Vi wraps her arm around my shoulder and grabs my left hand with her left hand, "I love you." Kissing me on top of the head.
A doctor then arrives bringing Ash in very carefully at this time and then places him and his very small little hospital bed they made for him and puts him on the table near the bed. He very groggily says, "Are you ok, Zoe?" I cry a bit more, "I am now, buddy that I have seen you. I have missed you so much." As I said this Sid hopped into bed with me and licked my tears away. After licking he says, "I am glad to see you. Ash's condition was critical there for the longest and I just couldn't bear to leave his side. I hope you understand I was only trying to do what I thought you wanted me to do." I reach out and pet him, barely able to move my weak arm, "You did exactly what I wanted you to do. Thank you, Sid." His tail wags happily at my praise and he spins a few times before plopping down on the opposite side that Vi is on and plopping his head on my thigh and I give him some head scratches/pets. I say, "I missed both of you terribly. I love you both so much. Words cannot describe how I feel for you two." I can only pet him a little before I get too tired and have to stop.
Ash then says all pitifully, "Is it true what the doctors said and that you lost your magic, too?" So much for HIPPA I lightly chuckle inside my internal monologue while I nod weakly, "Well I don't know if it is permanent, I can't harness magic and I am still very weak. I can't seem to feed my core enough. I feel its hunger yet my stomach isn't giving it any energy. It was like it only accepted the life saving amount and that was it. It feels as if I am closed off from my magic behind a wall to where I am barely able to feel. It's just a hint of power. Barely a whisper. I would have never thought I could be full yet starving at the same time. It is a very strange feeling and it has been this way all week." Ash then says pitifully on his tiny bed, "If you feel a hint, then you still have it. It isn't completely gone if you feel it. For me right now. I can't feel any magic at all. I am just a squirrel." He says as his ears fold down pitifully.
Vi then says after having a eureka moment, "I just had an idea. Since you have said it feels almost like when you first arrived, let's treat it like you haven't awakened at all! Let's go to the lake. Hold on while I make some preparations since you will need help. Sid I will need you to stay with Ash until we get back." Sid does his loyal nod of acknowledgment and she talks with someone on the other side of the door and they scurry off somewhere to get something. I haven't been able to move on my own. Vi has had to help me with EVERYTHING. Things that Nat would normally do to nurse me back to health she is doing. That includes using a bedpan to use the restroom and bathing me with her water magic then using her magic to dry me off.
Using her own magic to refill the water pitcher in the room daily. They are probably going to find something to help them tote me through the forest. A wheelchair would probably work though it might struggle with some of the roots in the forest, but I haven't seen one yet in this world. Do they even have them? I am sure they have some version of a wheelchair. Or maybe a sled to drag me. Thinking now that would probably be more ideal than a wheelchair for a wooded landscape. While I am thinking this Sid says with droopy ears, "We are sorry we couldn't protect you, Zoe." I scratch his head gently and shakily since I am still very weak, "We all did our best to survive. That is all we can ever do. He was just too strong for us." I continue to scratch as flashes of the torture flash across my memory. Flashes of Julio's golden hair and his evil expression. Flashes of pain. I hear his laughter echoing within my mind. My chest starts to tighten and I bring my hands to my chest as if to try and stop the pain. Vi comes running back and holds my hand, "Zoe, say your magic words. Keep saying them until it stops." While clenching my chest in pain I say, "I love me. I love me…" I kept saying it over and over for maybe a minute or two and then the pain in my chest died down. It takes longer to bring the tightening down when I have those flashbacks of the photosynthesis.
When I catch my breath after the tightening episode Prince Juanito comes in and he has a weird boat cart? It isn't necessarily a boat per say but it has a sail and is a cart. It could only fit in here because the door to the infirmary is a double door and is extra open right now. He says wearing a worried yet awkward expression, "Zoe, I want to help you make this right. My brother has gone too far. I have wanted to come by to check on you but feared you wouldn't want to see me because I am a man… or something like that." He says kind of awkwardly fidgeting as if completely unsure what to do or say, "I heard you need assistance to get to the lake and I can help by propelling this cart with my magic." There is a platform at the back where wind magic users could stand and steer while using their magic to propel the sail moving the cart. There was a steering wheel on it too.
I can imagine a sports mode version of this for wind magic users. If they don't, they are missing out on a big entertainment opportunity. I would watch the fuck out of racing like that. That sounds so fun. Prince Juanito then asks wearing that same awkward worried face, "Is it ok if I help you in the cart?" I shake my head and shiver at the thought of a man touching me right now, "Sorry, I prefer Vi's help right now, your highness." I groan that last bit as Vi is already helping me up now as she anticipated my response and I had to strain myself. I am still as weak as that first day after waking up. All my strength is still gone. As if waiting for something. Waiting for me for something I forgot. Vi gets me into the cart with a strained effort but she is still able to. Prince Juanito does a quick U turn and says, "Vi get in the cart, too. We can go faster that way." She hops in and it doesn't quite have enough room side by side so she gets right behind me and wraps her legs and arms around me and says while gently squeezing me, "I like these travel arrangements" as she kisses the side of my face while still holding me. I hold her hands in my own as she wraps around me like a shield or a turtle shell shielding me from the man I hardly know who is steering the cart behind me. I know he isn't his brother but I still feel fear.
He propels us with ease and dexterity through the castle then the forest all of the way to the lake. The whole time Vi is holding me tight. We arrive at the lake and she helps me out of the cart and then takes me down to the water. Not caring I am fully clothed since she can just use her water magic to pull the water from the clothes directly. She places me in the shallow end of the lake and she stands next to me as I float. I can barely hear her because the water is muffling the sound but I hear, "Say your magic words." "I love me. I love me. I love me," I continue on, then I think about what I was thinking about in the room. My strength is waiting on something I forgot? I did forget something. I forgot what the goddess said. Remember the feeling. I try to remember the feeling and I say again this time thinking of the feeling I had with the goddess even though I still don't fully believe it myself. I try all the same. I try to remember that feeling of her hugging my soul, "I love me." and my chest burns bright yet weak and flickering from lack of magic and my body does a weak flash and my heart feels so warm with magic. I feel my magic again. I can use magic again. Most of all right now I am fucking starving. The rush of energy even though it was little was enough to make me pass out but as my eyes were closing I was able to mutter, "I am so hungry" then everything went black.