I woke up in the mud with a stick poking my ass and a fly buzzing around my spiritual dignity.
> [SYSTEM NOTICE: Welcome to the Mortal Cultivation Realm. Host's current status: 0 cultivation, 0 clothing, 0 dignity.]
"Gee, thanks for the update. Got a weather report too?"
> [Current conditions: Muddy. Humid. Embarrassing.]
I sat up, wincing as I pulled a weed out from under my balls. "Alright, Dasani, what's first? Big power quest? Secret inheritance cave?"
> [New Quest Assigned: "Impress the Nearest Sect"]
Reward: Supreme Mystery Treasure Chest™ — Rated SS Tier.
"Oh hell yes. I'm about to go full protagonist!"
---
Ten minutes later...
I stumbled shirtless into a run-down village built on bad decisions. Chickens ran free. A drunk old man was peeing on a spirit herb bush. A wooden sign creaked overhead:
> 『Rustcloud Outer Sect – We Accept Anyone』
"...This is the nearest sect?"
> [It qualifies. Also, the sect master has hemorrhoids and drinks snake blood to suppress his Qi deviation.]
I turned to leave.
A young girl ran up—pink robes, messy ponytail, crooked teeth, and eyes that sparkled like she thought I was someone important.
> "Senior cultivator! Did you descend from the skies?! Are you a wandering expert?!"
I straightened my posture. "Yes. Very wandering. Very expert."
> [Lying detected. But go off.]
The girl gasped. "Please! Our sect is poor, but we will treat you well! We have… steamed buns! And... one hot spring. It's 70% safe."
Hot spring?
I nodded with great wisdom. "Then take me to your leader."
---
Rustcloud Sect - Main Hall
The sect master looked like a half-plucked chicken in silk. He squinted at me, coughed out some blood, then spoke:
> "So… you are a rogue cultivator who fell from the heavens?"
"Indeed."
> "And you wield a hidden art…?"
> [WARNING: System has no records of "hidden arts." Making some shit up.]
I raised my hand and chanted: "Eternal Finger Technique: Heaven's Twitch!"
I poked a mosquito off the sect master's neck. It exploded.
He stood up in awe. "This man is an immortal!"
The entire sect gasped.
> "He didn't even form a seal!"
> "Is he… from the Divine Chicken School?!"
I stood taller. "You could say I'm… over-easy."
---
[QUEST COMPLETE!]
> You have impressed the nearest sect.
Claim your reward: Supreme Mystery Treasure Chest™ (SS Tier)
"Finally."
A chest appeared before me in glowing gold light. I opened it dramatically.
Inside?
…A rock.
A slightly warm, regular-ass rock.
> [Congratulations! You've received: Molten Spirit Stone (Imitation)™]
Use: May slightly heat soup.
"…This is my SS-tier reward?!"
> [Yes. True treasure isn't in power… it's in subtle utility.]
> Also, the original reward was "Primordial Dragon Egg," but that's been redirected to another system host for auction. Please understand.
I stared at the rock. I stared at the system window.
"You scamming piece of corrupted code."
> [Please rate your reward experience: ★☆☆☆☆]
---
The sect master bowed. "Senior, you must stay and teach us!"
"Only if I get a private residence. And access to the hot spring."
> [Congratulations. You have joined Rustcloud Sect as Honorary Elder (Unpaid, symbolic).]
Thus, I became the most useless elder in the most pitiful sect in the region.
With a broken reward, a sarcastic system, and a mystery rock that might just be a potato.