Tiffany Haddish: Kids Have Amnesty...SAY ....what!?
Snack Attack—Why Your Lunches Are Lame
Inspired by the TV show and the fearless humor of Tiffany Haddish. For more on Tiffany, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.
Amnesty Day—No Time-Outs, No Filters, No Mercy
What happens when you give kids a microphone, a free pass, and the promise that absolutely nothing they say will get them in trouble? You get the realest, funniest, and most brutally honest roast in history. From snack shaming to bedtime betrayals, kids from every walk of life are ready to spill the tea on grown-ups everywhere. Buckle up—no one is safe, and everyone is invited.
The Great Juice Box Judgement
"Oh, you packed me apple juice again? What happened, did the store run out of flavors invented after 1995? I bet you still think Lunchables are gourmet, too. Newsflash: grape is superior, and everyone knows it."
The Sandwich Smackdown
"Is that supposed to be a sandwich, or did you just fold sadness between two slices of bread? My friend's mom makes dinosaurs. You make rectangles. Try harder."
The Off-Brand Cookie Catastrophe
"Wow, you got the cookies in the yellow package. Not Oreos, not even Hydrox. These are like, 'Oh No's.' I'm trading them for literally anything—even carrot sticks. That's how bad they are."
The Mystery Fruit Meltdown
"Hey, what's this? Is it a plum, or did you just throw in a purple stress ball? If I squeeze it and juice doesn't come out, you owe me a real fruit tomorrow. And no, raisins don't count. Raisins are just grapes you abandoned."
The Soggy Snack Sabotage
"Why is my sandwich wet? Did you pack it last night and let it marinate in my tears? Next time, maybe keep the ice pack away from the bread. I want lunch, not a science experiment."
The "Healthy" Snack Hysteria
"Celery sticks and hummus? What am I, a rabbit? You keep saying 'healthy snacks are fun!' but you're not the one getting roasted at the lunch table. Pack me a cupcake and watch my social life bloom."
The Crust Conundrum
"You left the crusts on again. Are you trying to toughen me up for Navy SEAL training? Because if so, mission accomplished. Next time, just hand me a loaf and a knife and call it a day."
The Snack Swap Shame
"You always say, 'Don't trade your food at school.' But if you saw what you packed, you'd trade too. Yesterday, I swapped your quinoa salad for a single gummy bear. Best deal I've ever made."
The Cheese Stick Crisis
"String cheese is supposed to pull apart, not snap in half like a dry twig. What did you buy, cheese sticks or chalk sticks? Either way, I'm not eating it."
The Dessert Disappointment
"Where's dessert? Don't say 'fruit is nature's candy.' Nature's candy is candy. I checked with the other kids. You're the only one who believes that."
The Snack Tax Takedown
"And stop taking my chips for 'quality control.' I know you're just hungry. If you want snacks, pack your own. This is my lunch, not your taste test."
The Lunch Note Letdown
"Thanks for the note, but next time, how about a snack that says 'I love you' instead of a sticky note that says 'Do your best!' I'd do my best with a brownie."
The Allergy Aftermath
"I get it, you want me to be safe. But gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, flavor-free? At this point, my lunch is just air. Even the cafeteria lady feels sorry for me."
The Budget Bite Burn
"I know money's tight, but you don't have to pack me a single saltine and call it 'minimalist.' Even the ants in the playground eat better."
The "Superfood" Showdown
"Chia seeds in my yogurt? Are you trying to help me grow a chia pet in my stomach? Just give me sprinkles like a normal kid."
The Celebrity Chef Clapback
"Just because you saw it on a cooking show doesn't mean I want it in my lunch. Sushi? At school? I'm not on Iron Chef Junior. I just want pizza."
The Leftovers Lament
"Last night's casserole for lunch? That's not recycling, that's just lazy. If I wanted to relive dinner, I'd ask for a time machine."
The Portion Problem
"Three baby carrots and a grape? What is this, a snack for ants? I'm not on a diet. I'm on a mission to survive recess."
The Label Lecture
"Organic, non-GMO, locally sourced—just once, can you source something from the snack aisle?"
The Ultimate Verdict
"Look, I love you, but if you want me to survive the lunchroom jungle, you've got to step up your snack game. Or at least let me pack my own. Trust me, I've got this."
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for keeping the spirit of childhood hilarity alive. For more, visit tiffanyhaddish.com.