Chapter 101 – The Cooper Family Matters (Part 1)
The next morning, Ron woke up on the couch in Max's living room. He quietly got dressed and slipped out, his mind swirling with thoughts.
Last night was wild.
Not only had the two gorgeous girls successfully impressed the editor of Gourmet Life magazine—earning themselves a small feature for their cupcake startup—but Ron also received a hefty tax deduction from Paul, the party planner.
To celebrate, Caroline downed an entire bottle of champagne. And with her famously terrible alcohol tolerance, it was no surprise that Ron ended up carrying her back and gently laying her on that pink fold-out bed of hers.
And then… Max pushed him down—right next to a passed-out Caroline.
Yep. Things escalated fast.
And just when Ron thought the night couldn't get any crazier, Max went back to her room… only for Caroline to wake up. One thing led to another, and before long, she and Ron had their own "session" that didn't end until nearly dawn.
So… does that technically count as a threesome?
Ron pondered the ethical math all the way from the office to his apartment, but once he walked through the front door, he didn't have time to think anymore—because an unexpected visitor was waiting for him.
"Missy! Long time no see!" Ron beamed as he spotted her on the couch, surrounded by three stunned nerds. "When did you get here? You should've told me—you know I'd come pick you up!"
Missy gave his arm a playful punch and huffed, "Your phone's been off all day. I thought you were off on some mission, so I had to drive all the way to Sheldon's myself."
"I dropped my phone yesterday—totally busted. Haven't had time to replace it yet." Ron pulled out the sad remains of a beat-up Samsung from his pocket.
As he spoke, his eyes narrowed, scanning the three geeky guys on the couch. Each of them shrank under his glare.
"What were you guys talking about?"
"Oh, I was just telling them about how Sheldon once tried to modify my oven when he was eight," Missy said, frowning at the memory. "You know, the time my eyebrows got singed off."
"Oh, I remember that," Ron said, rubbing his forehead. "Mom had to draw on cartoon eyebrows for you the entire semester. I beat up at least three kids who laughed at you."
"Yeah, and thanks to that," Missy added, "George and I got chased home every day after school by their older brothers."
From the computer desk, Sheldon finally chimed in, without even turning:
"I needed a place to melt the ceramic substrate for my home-use integrated circuit."
"You had access to a school furnace, Sheldon!"
Missy flopped back onto the couch and continued exposing Sheldon's childhood crimes to the trio of nerds, whose eyes were clearly more interested in scanning her face and body than listening to the story.
"He even tried to build an armed robot to kick me out of the garage once!"
"If you hadn't kept barging in, I wouldn't have had to. That garage was my lab," Sheldon retorted without looking up.
"Just admit it already," Ron said as he casually grabbed a bottle of milk from the fridge like he lived there, taking a long swig before patting Sheldon on the shoulder with exaggerated sympathy. "You never really had the talent to be an engineer or experimental physicist. Stick to theory. Leave the real work to people who know what they're doing."
At that, Howard and Leonard puffed out their chests with pride.
Yep, he means us.
Sheldon opened his mouth, ready to argue, but before he could say a word, the apartment door burst open and Penny strolled in, waving a pair of blue boxer shorts.
"Leonard! You left your underwear in the downstairs laundry again!"
It was a pair of Superman boxers.
Just as Leonard was beginning to recover some shred of dignity in front of Missy, the S-shaped logo struck a critical hit. He tried to play it off with a breezy wave. "Oh—uh, those aren't mine."
"Really?" Penny flipped them over, feigning confusion. "Then why's there a name tag that says 'Leonard' inside?"
She held it up, unintentionally (or very intentionally) displaying the unmistakable Superman logo to the entire room. Leonard's soul left his body.
"Oh, right, those…" Leonard snapped his fingers, pretending to remember. "That's not underwear. That's a—uh—rag. Yeah! I use it to clean my harpoon! I go spear fishing."
In America, the three classic fishing methods are rod, net, and spear. Spearfishing is widely considered the most "manly" of the three.
Ron snorted but didn't call him out. In his mind, the image was already playing: Leonard waddling on a fishing boat, struggling to hoist a spear taller than himself… only to proudly display a fish barely bigger than a shrimp.
Whatever. It's not like Leonard had any chance with Missy anyway. Ron took another swig of milk and watched the nerd crash and burn with quiet amusement.
"I only use my bow for hunting," Leonard doubled down, "But when I'm not, I spear fish."
He quickly changed the subject. "Oh! Penny, this is Missy, Sheldon's twin sister."
"Whoa!" Penny stepped inside. "You two look nothing alike."
"We're fraternal twins, which means we came from two different eggs," Sheldon explained. "We don't look like identical twins."
"Hallelujah," Ron muttered in mock relief. "If Missy looked like you, Sheldon, I'd seriously be questioning my will to live right now."
Over the next half hour, Ron and Penny raided Sheldon's fridge together while watching the three nerds try every nerdy tactic in the book to impress Missy. Ron looked amused; Penny looked mildly concerned.
Finally, she leaned over and whispered, "Aren't you gonna do something?"
"Why?" Ron said around a mouthful of food. "Are you jealous of Leonard, or do you really think those three stand a chance?"
"I'm not jealous!" Penny shot back, flustered. "Leonard and I are just friends. I've been seeing other people."
"Well, same goes for Missy. Actually…" Ron glanced around, then whispered conspiratorially, "She's already engaged."
Penny's eyes widened, but before she could gasp, Ron put a finger to his lips.
"Yep. Her fiancé's a good buddy of mine—Forrest Gump. Sweetest guy you'll ever meet. Owns a shrimping business in Alabama."
Ron shrugged. "Honestly, though, shrimping's a rough gig. Not great for family life. I'm working on convincing him to sell the business, invest all the money in Apple stock, and move to L.A. to be with us."
He turned to Penny with a grin. "You should buy some Apple shares too. It's gonna blow up soon."
Penny rolled her eyes. "If I had that kind of money, I'd rather buy more shoes. Who knows if stocks will crash?"
"Fair," Ron said. "But I'm still leaving those guys alone. I wanna see the look on their faces when they find out Missy's taken."
He flashed a mischievous grin.
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