There was a saying among adventurers:
"If the door is too fancy, it's not treasure—it's trauma."
The door ahead of Dante and Peter was twelve feet tall, gilded in silver runes, and engraved with a mural of someone getting kissed and stabbed at the same time.
So yeah—trauma.
"Final boss chamber," Peter muttered, tightening the straps on his unicorn onesie. "Definitely. It's either a demigod or a singing sentient object. Maybe both."
Dante, still dreamy-eyed from the love potion's lingering effects, didn't respond right away. He was too busy watching Peter with the intensity of a bard writing a song titled "Ode to the Guy Who Keeps Saving Me From My Own Idiocy."
Peter snapped his fingers in front of Dante's face. "Snap out of it, Romeo. Focus."
"Sorry," Dante murmured. "You just… sparkle so good."
Peter muttered a prayer to whatever deities tolerated Sparklemancers. "I swear, if you try to kiss me mid-battle, I will polymorph your lips into a mushroom."
They opened the door.
The room inside was circular, impossibly large, and filled wall-to-wall with floating books. Some flapped like birds. Others whispered dirty secrets. One was just moaning softly in the corner.
At the center, on a plush black velvet pedestal, sat a single red book with a golden heart on the cover.
It vibrated ominously.
Peter tilted his head. "Why do I feel like that book's going to flirt with you?"
"I hope it does," Dante said with dangerous sincerity.
The book snapped open, and a sultry, breathy voice filled the room.
"Well helloooo, meatbags."
⟦ BOSS ENCOUNTER: LUSTRA, CURSED TOME OF SINFUL LONGING ⟧
Class: Possessed Romance Novel
Level: 10
Weaknesses: Cold Showers, Emotional Maturity, Fire
Skills:
— "Page-Turner" (Pulls enemies into seductive fantasy)
— "Plot Thicken" (Creates illusions of ex-lovers and awkward feelings)
— "Paper Cuts of Passion"
Title: New York Times Bestscreamer
Peter blinked. "This dungeon has zero chill."
Dante stepped forward, Sharpstick in hand. "Alright, sexy book. Let's see what you've got."
Lustra's pages flipped rapidly. A glowing light wrapped around Dante—and suddenly, he was gone.
"DANTE?!" Peter shouted.
⟦ SYSTEM NOTICE: PARTY MEMBER TRAPPED IN SMUT DIMENSION ⟧
Inside Lustra's illusion, Dante stood on a beach. Shirtless. Oiled. Dramatic wind everywhere.
Beside him, Peter—also shirtless—was reclining on a chaise lounge made of roses. He beckoned with a sultry smirk.
"Tell me again," Fantasy-Peter purred. "How brave you are."
"Gods, I've missed this," Dante said, eyes misty.
Back in reality, Peter screamed, "I'M NOT EVEN IN THERE, YOU LUST-SOAKED TURNIP."
Peter hurled his glitter staff at the pedestal.
Sparklemancy Critical Hit!
Lustra shrieked. "NOOO! MY DELICIOUS DRAMA!"
Dante popped back into the room, clutching his chest. "Peter. I just… I think I felt things."
Peter slapped a Sanity Patch on his forehead.
⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧
— Lustra attempted "Chapter 7: Tongues & Trauma."
— Peter countered with "Dispel the Horny."
— Dante is experiencing emotional whiplash.
— Lustra is on fire.
— Everything smells like roses and shame.
In a final act of melodrama, Lustra levitated into the air, screamed "LOVE IS A LIE!" and exploded into a rain of lace bookmarks.
The System dinged:
⟦ BOSS DEFEATED! ⟧
Loot Acquired:
— 500 XP
— Legendary Tome: The Book of Bold Regrets
— Passive Skill Unlocked: Resist Seduction (Peter Only)
— Bonus Title: Bookslayer
Before the glitter and confetti could settle, the walls trembled. The lights dimmed. A deep, smooth voice echoed through the chamber like velvet dipped in menace.
"Well, well. You made it past my darling Lustra. I'm impressed. Not excited, but impressed."
A spotlight formed at the top of the stairs. A towering woman stepped into it—six feet of abs, magic, and pure chaotic confidence. Horns spiraled from her head, heels clacked like judgment, and her gown looked stitched from literal night.
⟦ FINAL BOSS: THE DUNGEON QUEEN ⟧
Name: Queen Malatrix, Mistress of Portals and Plot Twists
Level: ???
Titles: "Breaker of Builds," "She Who Edits the Script," "The Last Patch Note"
Mood: Intrigued
Current Objective: Test the adventurers. Or flirt with them. Unclear.
Peter raised his staff. "Let me guess. You want to destroy the world through emotionally manipulative dungeon design?"
Malatrix laughed. "Please. I don't destroy the world. I redesign it. Better lighting. More bisexual vampires. And I needed some new protagonists. The last ones were dreadfully competent."
She pointed a claw at Dante. "You? You've got that idiot-hero energy I crave."
Then to Peter. "And you? Beautiful. Sarcastic. Dangerous. A unicorn. I must have you in my DLC."
Peter blinked. "Did you just proposition us into a plotline?"
"I did," Malatrix purred. "So. Will you fight me? Or join me?"
Dante looked at Peter.
Peter looked at Dante.
Then they both looked at the System.
⟦ QUEST DECISION: "Join or Smite the Dungeon Queen?" ⟧
Fight Her
Join Her
Kiss Her? (???)
To be continued…