Dante Steelblade stood at the base of the obsidian steps, flexing unconsciously as he stared up at Queen Malatrix, a towering gothic goddess wrapped in pure chaotic power.
Peter whispered, "She looks like someone fused a dominatrix with a Sephora ad."
"I've fought worse-looking mid-bosses at the YMCA," Dante muttered. "She wants a fight? I'll deadlift her throne."
Peter blinked. "I… genuinely don't know what that means."
Dante cracked his neck. "I'm not joining any evil queen, even if she's got… excellent core definition. I'm a hero. Heroes don't simp."
Malatrix's voice rang down the stairway, amused and silky.
"Oh, sweet testosterone tornado," she said. "I don't want you to simp. I want you to survive. Your world's collapsing, your portals are corrupting, and your System is… well. Outdated. You, Dante, are a walking patch note waiting to happen."
Dante blinked. "Lady, I don't even know what half those words mean. But I do know this: if you're threatening my world, my bros, or my gym membership, you're going down."
Peter whispered, "Please stop calling Earth 'your gym.'"
⟦ DECISION MADE: REJECT OFFER ⟧
Quest Updated: "Punch the Queen of All Dungeons in the Face"
Difficulty: Terminal
The floor erupted beneath them.
A new arena formed—circular, floating platforms above an endless void, pulsing with neon light and distant sounds of dubstep.
Modern society elements kicked in hard.
Billboards flickered with "sponsored boss battle" ads:
Try DungeonFuel™ – Power Your Rage!
Sponsored by RAID: Realms And Interdimensional Death
Malatrix descended gracefully onto a disco platform, heels clicking like a final warning.
"Let's see if you two are worth keeping in canon," she purred.
⟦ FINAL BOSS INITIATED: QUEEN MALATRIX ⟧
HP: ???
Special Traits: Immunity to Simping, Master of Meta, Can Rewrite System Rules
Battlefield Effect: Narrative Gravity – Causes plot events to manifest mid-fight
Stage Modifier: Corporate Sponsorship (Increases irony by 200%)
Peter tossed up a sparkling barrier and yelled, "Battle plan?!"
"Plan?" Dante said, sprinting across floating tiles. "I'm gonna bench press destiny!"
⟦ COMBAT LOG ⟧
— Dante used Chest Thump of Courage. Morale up. Shirt off. No one asked.
— Peter cast Rainbow Doombeam. It backfired—Malatrix caught it, winked, and redirected it into a motivational speech.
— Malatrix triggered Plot Twist. Suddenly, Peter's staff is a cursed ex-boyfriend in disguise.
— Dante dropkicked a corporate drone ad-bot into the void.
— Peter screamed, "THIS IS WHY I DATE SENTIENT PLANTS!"
Mid-battle, a projection flickered over the arena—a news report from Earth.
"Breaking: Dungeon Portals Continue Appearing in Malls, Gyms, and Gas Stations. One teen from New Jersey is believed to be responsible for 'at least four public explosions and one cult following.'"
Dante screamed, "I TOLD YOU THAT CROSS-FIT CLASS WAS POSSESSED!"
Peter, barely holding the barrier, shouted, "Dante! She's drawing power from the System itself. We have to glitch her!"
"How do you glitch magic?!"
"Same way you beat your SATs. Dumb luck and raw biceps."
Peter cast: System Spoof
Dante used: Reckless Slash → Reckless System Override Slash
A ripple tore through the air. Malatrix paused, eyes wide, as Dante's attack struck her System Code directly.
The battlefield froze.
Her HP bar cracked.
She stumbled.
And smiled.
"Well played, meatheads."
⟦ SYSTEM NOTICE: FINAL BOSS DEFEATED (For Now) ⟧
Loot Gained:
— 1x Queen's Shard (Crafting Component: "Meta Catalyst")
— 800 XP
— Title: Narrative Breakers
— Passive Skill: Plot Armor (Temporary)
Malatrix dissolved into a black mist of intrigue and unresolved foreshadowing.
The arena faded. They were back in the portal chamber. The exit pulsed ahead.
Peter leaned on his glitter staff. "We just survived a reality-warping dominatrix by glitching her like a Skyrim vampire."
Dante wiped sweat from his chest. "No idea what any of that means. But I'd do it again."
Peter glanced at him. "So… now that the potion's worn off… you remember all the stuff you said to me in that love-haze?"
Dante froze. "...I said stuff?"
"Oh yeah." Peter smirked. "Poetry. Something about my eyes being like mana pools and how you'd 'ride into battle on my sparkle steed.'"
Dante coughed, turning aggressively toward the portal. "Yeah okay let's never speak of that again. I was potioned. Compromised. Emotionally hacked."
Peter laughed. "Relax, bro. You're as straight as your fighting style: direct, loud, and mostly ineffective."
They stepped through the portal together.
Back to Earth.
Back to gyms, gas stations, and portal breakouts on TikTok.
The adventure wasn't over.
But at least Dante had his bro.
And Peter still had the glitter.