A few days later, Alex finally managed to steal away to visit the Duke. He felt some relief at having encountered him on Bond Street, yet he still awaited this meeting with a restless anticipation.
The last days of September proved unusually warm and bright. Seizing the rare spell of weather, Nathan proposed a picnic. They carried a blanket, a basket, and a few books, and wandered only a short way into the meadows that still lay within the bounds of the Blackthorn estate.
At once Alex noticed that Nathan had tied the same blue cravat about his neck. Remembering all that had followed from that deceptively simple piece of fabric, he flushed scarlet and addressed the Duke, his eyes fixed firmly ahead.
— "Ophelia has set the wedding date. She will soon begin sending out invitations. The ceremony and celebration are to be held on November twenty-second."
— "So soon? In just two months you'll be a married man," Alex said with a smile.
But the Duke did not smile. He sat gazing into the distance, lost in thought. Alex waited patiently, yet his beloved seemed far away.
— "Nathaniel?"
The Duke stirred as if roused from a dream. He turned toward Alex.
— "What is it?"
— "You promised me honesty. Please — if something troubles you, tell me."
Nathan exhaled heavily and looked away again.
— "I don't wish to burden you with my gloomy thoughts."
Alex laid a hand over his.
— "I want you to tell me everything. If, of course, you wish to share it."
— "It is not that I do not wish to… Only that… Very well. These wedding preparations serve only to remind me that such a fate awaits you, too."
— "And why does that trouble you now?"
Nathan turned back to him, searching his face.
— "Because I fear the day will come when you meet a worthy wife — someone you can love and live beside…" He faltered, remembering he had spoken words like these before, and that Alex had not welcomed them. He rubbed his eyes, scolding himself for his own clumsiness.
— "Forgive me. I don't mean that you want such a thing, nor do I know what you want. I only mean that I'm afraid…"
— "Afraid that my feelings for you are not strong enough?" Alex asked softly, still holding his hand.
— "No. Or perhaps yes — though I would phrase it differently. What I fear is hurting you. I've told you before: I have never felt for women what I feel for men. And you, you have said you've never truly been in love… But I cannot give you the life you deserve. A life without fear, without lies — the sort of life people are expected to live. And knowing you still have the chance to walk another path fills me with torment. One part of me cannot bear the thought of losing you. And yet… how can I wish a life of pretence, a life hidden away behind locked gates, upon the one I love?"
At the last words, Nathan's voice trembled. He dropped his gaze, sorrow clouding his features. Alex listened in silence, the same sorrow echoing in his own heart.
— "I would be lying if I said I had not thought the same as you… My mother cannot pass a day without hints about the wedding, though she disguises them with claims that she does not mean to hurry me. And I thought: if I take a wife, how shall I see you? Must I lie and meet you in secret? Or confess to her, and risk losing everything? Should I even marry and condemn her to suffer? Perhaps I ought to defy my parents? I thought of all this. But now, listening to you, I realize that in all those thoughts there was never a moment without you. I can no longer imagine a life apart from you, and I am ready for every hardship, if only we may endure them together… Does—does it sound too pompous, or foolish? We have known each other for a few months, and yet… This is truly what I feel. I hope it is not too much…"
Alex cast an embarrassed glance at Nathan, anxious to see whether his rambling had offended him. But the Duke was struck silent, his eyes shining faintly. They shifted restlessly, as if unable to decide whether to rest upon one sky-blue eye or the other. At last he lifted his hand to Alex's cheek, his touch light and reverent, and bent to kiss him with great tenderness, his fingers stroking slowly along the beloved face. Then he drew back just enough to rest his head against Alex's shoulder.
— "Forgive me for poisoning your mind so bad," Nathan murmured with a faint smile.
Alex gave a soft laugh, slipped his arm around the Duke, and answered:
— "I have no regrets."
Nathan, still with his cheek against Alex's shoulder, spoke quietly:
— "If I could wish for anything, it would be to have you always at my side. Yet perhaps that is too much to ask as the price of a card game victory… I shall think of something more modest."
Alex laughed again and remembered that he also needed to consider his wish.
The two lovers spent the day lying on the grass, reading books, discussing their passages, and teasing one another with gentle laughter. As evening approached, the sky still held the soft glow of daylight, while faint stars began to twinkle above. The leaves had begun to turn golden, casting a warm, unforgettable charm over the landscape. Alex and Nathan wrapped themselves in blankets, savoring the crisp air and the quiet intimacy of the lingering daylight.
The Duke glanced at Alex. The boy was staring at the sky with a slight, thoughtful smile, lost in his own musings. A memory flickered in Nathan's mind — from the time they had watched the stars together. Back then, he had looked at Alex in exactly this way, dreaming of kissing him, or at least touching him slightly. How warm it felt to realize that today he could finally act on those desires. Nathan took the Young Lord's hand in his and pressed it to his lips.
Alex, distracted from his own thoughts, watched intently. The Duke kissed his beloved's hand with eyes half-closed, then moved on to each knuckle. Alex felt a flush of shyness at the tender attention. Nathan then turned the hand over, pressing soft kisses to the palm, and slowly to the wrist. Suddenly, he lifted his gaze to meet the Young Lord's, peering from beneath his brow to see if the boy enjoyed what was happening.
Heat surged through Alex at that look, and he trembled slightly. The Duke's smile deepened at the reaction. Gently, he unbuttoned Alex's cuff and rolled back his sleeve, letting his trail of kisses climb higher and higher along the arm.
— "Wait! The servants could see us from the manor windows…"
— "You needn't worry about that," Nathan replied, as if nothing had happened.
— "Why not?"
Nathan sighed softly, pausing from such a pleasant activity.
— "Surely you've noticed that, for such a large estate, there are far too few servants to manage all these dusty rooms."
— "Yes…"
— "That's because only those whom Sebastian trusts work here. And I trust him completely."
— "Does Sebastian know about… you?"
— "Sebastian knows everything about me. He has served our family his whole life. " Nathan withdrew his hand from Alex's and lay back, placing his hands beneath his head. "I have often wanted to thank him properly for everything he's done. I offered to buy him a villa somewhere in Italy, so he could spend his old age free and at ease, but he was greatly offended by my offer. You see, he is like an uncle to me, not a mere butler. He supported me through every clash with my parents. I believe he even knew about me before I did. He pulled me out of every scrape after my parents' deaths. I owe him — deeply. I would trust him with my life."
Alex felt a deep reverence for this saintly man, and gratitude that someone had cared so deeply for his beloved Nathan.
The Duke turned to Alex, took his hand once more, and drew him close.
— "That's why we can do whatever we wish here, at the Blackthorn estate." Nathan lifted Alex's chin with his other hand and kissed him tenderly.