Shinpachi lost.
He lost completely. Even in the end, he never figured out who Mrs. Megumi was. No light novel author by that name could be found anywhere!
And Kamishiro Shiro? There was no way he'd ever leak info about his friend.
Most importantly!
He actually went crazy and smashed the phone that had this masterpiece on it!
Now he didn't even have a chance to play it a second time!
A heartbroken Shinpachi quietly sat beside Kohei, tears of regret slipping from the corners of his eyes.
"..."
The trio— Kamishiro Shiro and the others—tacitly chose to ignore the two neets. At least now the atmosphere wasn't as tense as before. As expected, settling things with a competition really did help.
"How about it, Gintoki-sensei, we won this round, right?"
Kamishiro Shiro raised an eyebrow and smiled at Gintoki. When it came to dealing with idiots, he really had a knack for it.
(?°?д°?)
"You damn brats!" Gintoki gritted his teeth. "This is obviously part of your scheme! What fairness?! If it were fair, we should've been given all the remaining options!"
"No way. Your bespectacled teammate already agreed to it earlier!"
Kamishiro Shiro didn't even need to respond—Ioiri jumped in first. He was already gearing up for the next round!
Staring at the white-haired uncle in front of him, Ioiri's mind raced, trying to figure out how to beat him.
What was he best at...?
Sports?
But judging from the other guy's reflexes earlier, he was athletic too. And going up against a PE teacher in sports was just asking to get crushed.
Brains?
Emmm...
Although the guy looked like a total idiot, what if that was just an act?
In the end, drinking seems like the safest bet.
Should be fine… probably.
"Gin-san! Look what I found!"
As Ioiri kept pondering, a long-lost figure made her reappearance—
Kagura-chan!
She came back carrying a giant bucket of rice and a whole basket of eggs!
Seeing the bucket, which was nearly as tall as she was, both Kamishiro Shiro and Ioiri were stunned.
If they weren't mistaken, that stuff must have come from the kitchen, right?
Why the hell was it in this idiot's hands? Did she rob the cafeteria while she was gone?
And if you're gonna rob the cafeteria, at least take more than just rice! How are you supposed to eat without side dishes?
Wait!
Don't tell me those eggs are your "side dish"?!
!!!
Egg over rice is fine and all, but you need soy sauce, damn it!
Kamishiro Shiro was in a daze. He did remember Kagura being a big eater in Gintama, but that's because the Kagura in Gintama is an alien! Could this Kagura be an alien too? If so, he didn't even want to compete anymore—he just wanted to call the cops and report her!
He might even get a big reward!
…He shamefully considered it.
Meanwhile, Gintoki seemed used to Kagura's antics and casually asked, "No one saw you, right?"
"Don't worry, Gin-san, I ran super fast, aru!"
"..."
"You bastard! Are you really a teacher?!"
Kamishiro Shiro and Ioiri couldn't stay calm anymore. What kind of teacher lets his underling go steal from the cafeteria?!
Thanks to him, now the rest of them would be stuck eating cheap udon!
"Maa maa, don't yell, kiddos. I paid for it. And since this one's back, let's get started with the second match already."
Gintoki shoved Kagura—who was still stuffing her face with white rice—out to the front. It was obvious who his pick was for the next round.
Looking into Kagura's eyes, which were shockingly full of intelligence, Kamishiro Shiro involuntarily took a step back.
Yup, idiot vs. idiot matches were the most fun to watch. He still wanted to go up against Gin-san himself—hopefully, Kitahara (Ioiri) would give him that chance.
!!!
Ioiri looked at Kamishiro Shiro in disbelief. "You bastard, what are you pulling?! Weren't you supposed to handle the little brat?!"
Kamishiro looked back at iori."Besides, what do you have that could guarantee a win against that curly-haired guy? He looks like a total night-club veteran—you might not even win in a drinking match."
That's childhood friends for you. Even without Ioiri saying it, Kamishiro Shiro already guessed what he was thinking.
Hearing Kamishiro Shiro suggest he wouldn't win, Ioiri got pissed. "Your drinking's just as bad as mine! It's not like you'd win either!"
"Yeah, but I'm good at strip rock-paper-scissors~"
"..."
Ioiri's face froze. He glanced down at Kamishiro Shiro's lower half...
That bastard even proudly puffed out his hips…
He remembered that magical pair of underwear.
Dammit! That was straight-up cheating! Why did a pair of underwear even come with game-breaking abilities?!
Tears welled up in Ioiri's eyes. At this point, he was fully convinced by Kamishiro Shiro's underwear.
"But you can't seriously expect me to go up against that little brat in a drinking contest!"
!!!
Hearing that, Kamishiro Shiro looked at Ioiri like he was a complete scumbag. He used to see him as just an idiot—now he was looking at a criminal.
"Kitahara, are you seriously trying to get a minor to drink?! You're destroying the future of Japan's youth!"
"…Quit acting like a saint! Don't tell me you never drank in middle school! Wait—no—you probably started at ten years old!"
At that, Ioiri suddenly remembered. When they were ten, this bastard had stolen a bottle of sake from his dad and lied to him, saying it was some new kind of drink...
And of course, ten-year-old Ioiri didn't think twice and chugged it down in one gulp.
Then…
He would never forget the beating his father gave him that day.
"You piece of trash!!"
The more Ioiri thought about it, the angrier he got. He wanted to pour an entire bottle of vodka down Kamishiro Shiro's throat right now.
(;?＿?)
"Cough, cough... That was your own fault," Kamishiro Shiro muttered, eyes shifting guiltily. Clearly, he remembered that incident too.
Looking back... Ioiri really had chugged that stuff like it was cola. What a madman.
"Well, don't worry about it. You don't have to pick the duel anyway."
Kamishiro Shiro patted Ioiri on the shoulder reassuringly. Now he could stop worrying.
"What do you mean I don't get to pick?!"
Ioiri was stunned. This was totally different from what he expected.
"Exactly what it sounds like. You seriously weren't listening? I said each team takes turns picking. To guarantee I win, I get to pick the third round."
Crunch—
Ioiri turned to stone.
So that meant… not only did he have to fight the brat, the brat got to pick the rules too?!
Bastard! Do you think that little of me?!
Just let me pick the rules and end this already! There has to be something I'm better at than that brat... right?
...Right?
As he failed to think of anything he was clearly superior at, Ioiri fell deeper into existential despair.
Of course, the match wasn't going to wait for this idiot to sort out his feelings. Gintoki and the others had already decided on the event. Kamishiro Shiro just had to drag this fool to the arena!
Same arena as before, but with different contestants.
The previous participants were still off to the side, discussing the beastgirl route together.
Ioiri stared at the tiny little girl in front of him who was devouring rice like a maniac, his eye twitching uncontrollably.
How the hell did that fluffy white rice end up looking like some gooey slop that resembled wet dog food?!
Did she put way too many eggs in that egg-over-rice?!
Also... what are the rules for this match? Don't tell me I'm just supposed to sit here and watch her eat?!
"(ˉ?ˉ;) Hic~"
Kagura let out a satisfied burp. The previously full bowl in front of her was now completely empty.
"Alright, one point for Kagura-chan,"
announced Judge Gintoki.
???
??!
Kamishiro Shiro and Ioiri both stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Wait, what?! How did she get a point?! What are we even competing in?!"
"Huh? Didn't I say?"
"You totally didn't!!!" ×2
They both roared in unison. They'd just been watching Kagura eat a bowl of rice—and now she had a point?!
Could this match actually be about eating?!
The next moment, their teacher Gintoki confirmed it.
"Ah, well, now's fine too. It's an eating contest—whoever eats the most wins. There's a time limit, of course. Go get 'em, brat."
!!!
"Cheating! Why didn't you say so earlier?! You—you—mmfff!!!"
Before Ioiri could finish complaining, a mouthful of rice mixed with raw egg was suddenly shoved into his mouth!
He looked on in horror— Kamishiro Shiro had somehow appeared beside him, force-feeding him egg-rice nonstop!
Σ_(???」∠) Blegh—!
So gross!
He put way too many eggs, damn it! Not all Japanese people love egg-over-rice! Ioiri preferred plain white rice!
He pounded the floor wildly, hoping to awaken some sense of decency in Kamishiro Shiro.
But...
This is Kamishiro Shiro we're talking about.
He's Ioiri's best friend, after all.
He knew Iori liked plain white rice more.
But!
The smooth and slippery egg could help Iori stuff down even more rice! If they could wrap things up in just two rounds, that'd be ideal!
Surely that guy Iori wouldn't want to lose in an eating contest to a little girl, right?
I mean, he's a college student! College students are at the peak of their rice-eating game!
Charge, Iori!
Meanwhile, Gintoki was watching the whole thing without the slightest hint of panic, the corners of his mouth curled into a mysterious smile~
As expected, once those two brats started eating too, there was no way they'd hold him accountable for raiding the cafeteria food.
Sure... he did pay for it. But still, getting this much food for just 500 yen did feel kind of criminal.
Now though, he had accomplices!
Kukuku~
"Ugh... I... I can't do it anymore. I really can't... Σ_(꒪ཀ꒪」∠) urp"
Iori had truly hit his limit. Golden yolk was trickling down the corners of his mouth, and three large bowls sat empty beside him.
Right now, it felt like every cell in his body was saturated with golden egg yolk.
Sure, the pasteurized eggs weren't fishy—but that slimy texture made him want to vomit.
"Kitahara! Don't give up! Just one more bowl! One more and it'll be over!"
Kamishiro Shiro looked at him in panic, trying desperately to get him to take one more bite. Over on the other side, Kagura-chan already had four empty bowls next to her. But even she looked like she was nearing her limit.
Though it still fell short of what Kamishiro remembered her being capable of, it was nonetheless a terrifying display of appetite.
Let's just say—barely still human!
You had to understand: these bowls were the size of a human head!
Meanwhile, the rice they'd "borrowed" from the cafeteria was nearly gone.
"No... I can't..."
Iori shook his head with sheer terror. Just the sight of that mixture made his stomach churn violently.
He might not want to eat rice or eggs for the rest of the month...
How the hell did that girl manage to eat four bowls of this stuff?! At the very least—add some soy sauce!
Σ_(꒪ཀ꒪」∠) urp!
That fourth bowl of egg-rice became the final straw that broke Iori.
The golden yolk-coated rice burst from his mouth, spraying all over the sacred battlefield of this duel~
Σ_(꒪ཀ꒪」∠) UURP
Watching this gruesome scene, even Kamishiro Shiro couldn't hold back and started dry-heaving. Thankfully, he'd dodged just in time—otherwise, he'd have been engulfed.
Also... rice with raw egg after it's been through the stomach is... just violently pungent.
Urk!
Even Kagura and Gintoki couldn't take the stench. They bolted from the battlefield at top speed!
Kagura, of course, didn't forget to grab the leftover rice and eggs while escaping. Looked like... she wasn't quite full yet.
But...
That smell, that scene!
How could she still eat that raw egg-rice?
Does she have a steel will or what?!
Gag!
Kamishiro Shiro dry-heaved again, turning his head away so he wouldn't have to witness the carnage.
"This round of the duel... I admit defeat, Gintoki-sensei."
He had seen this ending coming the moment he heard "eating" as the challenge. But he never expected the battle to end in such catastrophic tragedy.
"Heh, you brats weren't half bad yourselves."
Gintoki didn't hold back his praise. Honestly, he'd never met anyone who could out-eat Kagura—and this was the girl banned from countless all-you-can-eat buffets!
"But seriously, are you not gonna help your friend? He looks like he needs it."
His eyes shifted to the war-torn battlefield.
After vomiting so much, Iori was completely weakened, curled up on the ground, trying desperately to avoid contact with the golden puddles around him.
But—
As the source of the mess, how could he possibly stay clean?
He continued dry-heaving endlessly, even when his stomach had long been emptied.
"Σ_(꒪ཀ꒪」∠) Gag... Kamishiro... you bastard... gag hurry up... gag save meeeee... gag!!!"
Just hearing that pitiful voice was enough for Kamishiro Shiro to picture how horrific the scene was.
He couldn't muster the courage to turn around and look.
Even the smell in the air made him want to hurl.
"Gintoki-sensei! Let's just start the next round already!"
Gag!