The stench of scorched earth and melted steel clung to me, a macabre perfume of death. My GM Spartan was a tomb, its cockpit a claustrophobic coffin of twisted metal. Every alarm and warning light screamed at me, a desperate cry from a dying machine. The federation base was gone, completely destroyed by the Zeon invasion. My comrades and all the mobile suits, including my own GM Spartan, had been obliterated. I was a ghost in the ruins, trying to claw my way out of the wrecked mobile suit when Zeon soldiers captured me.
There were six of them, a pack of grinning hyenas. Their grip was too strong for me to resist as they held me down. One of them leaned close to my face, their expression vile. "Hehehe, such a waste to kill this soldier, especially with a hot body like this. Lucky," a Zeon soldier said with a lustful chuckle. I spat curses, yelling, "You Zeon scum! Let me go!". But my struggles were useless; I was powerless. A soldier shoved a rough cloth into my mouth, gagging my protests as they tied my hands behind my back. Their filthy hands began to touch me, their actions and smiles full of dark intent. They started to tear my pilot suit, exposing my bare skin. They wanted to use me for their twisted pleasure. And then, the morning alarm rang, and I woke up.
The trauma of the nightmare was gone, but the feeling of utter helplessness remained. The dream was a horrible flashback to when I was 18 years old. I was walking home at night when six men kidnapped me and dragged me into a dark alley. They gagged me, tied my arms, and then violated me, just like in the dream. It was a total nightmare. The same violation, the same feeling of being used and defiled, still haunts me. When they were done, they left me, my clothes torn, my body stained and filthy. I couldn't remember their faces because they were masked, and it was dark. This was my life story before I joined the federation and before I executed my mother at the age of 20. Reliving these memories in a dream, especially during a time of war, made it a true nightmare. I used to be able to fight back, to control my life, but in moments like that, I was powerless, a puppet for their pleasure.
I blame my long-dead abusive father and my cruel mother for what happened to me. My mother shattered my father's mind when she divorced him for another man, calling our family life "boring". He became abusive and used me because I reminded him of her. I killed him when I was 17. I killed my mother at 20. They made me a monster.
The rage from the dream was a raw wound, and I let it lash out. "Lieutenant, are you awake?" a female soldier asked, knocking on my door. "What?!" I yelled, my anger still raw. She told me Major Michael Colmatta wanted me for a mock battle. "I'll be there in 20 minutes, take it or leave it!" I shouted, the fury coursing through me. I stripped off my sweaty clothes and took a cold shower to clear my head, the icy water a temporary balm for my seething mind. After the shower, I went straight to the briefing room, skipping breakfast. Michael told me I'd be Lilith's opponent in a mock battle so she could get used to her Gundam Pixy and its beam dagger. My mood was terrible, but I agreed, knowing Lilith was also in a fragile state.
I saw her in the mess hall. Our eyes met, a silent acknowledgment of our shared torment, but we didn't speak, just walked past each other. Her eyes, burning with rage and hatred, were a reflection of my own. She had a deep hatred for Zeon, while I was a criminal trying to clear my record. As I grabbed breakfast, I overheard whispers about the mock battle. The soldiers saw a show, a spectacle, a bet. They didn't see two monsters.
The cockpit of my GM Spartan was a familiar cage, the hum of the machine a morbid comfort against the ghosts of my nightmare. Lilith's Gundam Pixy was across from me, a sleek, fast, and agile mobile suit. The tension in the air was thick, a palpable pressure cooker of shared trauma and rage. Major Colmatta's voice boomed over the comms, "Now, begin the mock battle!".
The battle began with the Pixy darting forward with its beam knife, a blur of speed and precision. Lilith was a true predator. I parried her attacks, my GM Spartan's shield groaning under her blows. But my mind was a broken record, replaying the nightmare, the helplessness, the violation, and the filth. A red haze of hatred clouded my vision. "Come on!" I screamed into the comms, my words for the ghosts of my past, not for Lilith. My GM Spartan lunged forward in a blind, rage-fueled attack. The mock battle was no longer training; it was a war of broken souls.
Lilith's eyes, full of rage and murder, met mine through the cockpit monitors. She became a symbol of everything I hated, and her attacks turned more aggressive, more lethal. I responded with the ferocity of a cornered animal, fueled by the memories of my past and my executed mother. Our mobile suits, meant for training, were now weapons of our internal war. The other soldiers, who were excited to watch, were now silent, their faces grim as they watched two monsters clash.
Captain Barry Abbot's voice boomed over the comms as his Armored GM appeared between us. "Stop! That's enough!" he shouted. "Lydia, Lilith, lower your weapons now! This is a mock battle, not a death match!". My GM Spartan and Lilith's Gundam Pixy stood still, our weapons lowered. The rage in my heart was replaced by a hollow emptiness. I looked at Lilith, her face mirroring my pain and fury. The battle had gone horribly wrong, our internal demons spilling into the training ground. It was a stark reminder that we were just broken people, haunted by our pasts.
I drove my GM Spartan to the hangar, leaving Lilith and Barry behind. I docked my mobile suit and decided not to get out. The mock battle was way out of line; my mind and body were overwhelmed by rage and the nightmare. I needed time alone. "Lydia, are you okay?" a mechanic asked, opening the hatch. "Could you please leave me for a moment? I need some time alone," I said. He backed away, and I closed the hatch, enjoying the silence and solitude of the cockpit.
Before long, Captain Barry Abbot opened my hatch. He had just finished talking to Lilith and took me outside the hangar. He told me that Lilith's hatred for Zeon was because they had killed her family during Operation British's colony drop. Her rough military life, the mockery, and her anger had turned her into a beast. He wanted to know my past and help me, just as he wanted to help Lilith. He said we seemed similar but had different backgrounds. I decided to open up to him because he seemed different, a genuinely nice person. I told him my life became a total mess when I was 15 because my mother's divorce had broken my father's mind. She left him for another man, claiming our family life was "boring". My father used me to cope with his broken mental state until I killed him at 17. I worked as a prostitute to survive and killed several people. I even sold my baby to a family who couldn't have a son. At 20, I killed my mother, who had ruined me. I was on death row until Major Michael Colmatta offered to clear my criminal record. Barry finally understood. He told me I could talk to him anytime and that he wanted to help people like Lilith and me.
After our conversation, I walked back to the hangar and looked at Lilith's Gundam Pixy. I understood now why Zeon forces called the Gundam the "White Devil". I overheard a debate among personnel and mechanics about a problem with the supply line from Seattle to Vancouver, which had been cut off by Zeon forces and the "Noisy Fairy" member. This was not good. Major Michael Colmatta and Renato Germi approached me. Michael told me the mock battle was "fantastic". He wasn't mad at me; he was entertained by the chaos of it all. This is what the federation military is like: we fight and kill like dogs to prove who's the best. I went back to my room and fell onto my bed without changing out of my pilot suit. Today was a mess; everything was a disaster, from the nightmare to the brutal mock battle. I wished I could fast-forward to the next day, but I knew I couldn't end my life. I was halfway to clearing my criminal record. I changed into my uniform and went outside for some fresh air. Another typical federation team, not the Black Dog Squad, was heading out on a mission. Renato called me for another mission in Fergus Falls, Minnesota. This time, it was just me, Renato, and two other Black Dog Squad members. We were to meet another team at the Chicago federation base. I hoped I could get back to my normal self on this mission.
At the Chicago base, we met the other team. Their leader, a man named Aaron Smith, piloted a Black Gundam Ground Type with orange decals and a grey frame. He said it was inspired by the "Black Gundam" in the desert that wiped out Zeon forces. The team also had a Guncannon and an original-colored Gundam Ground Type, giving us a total of seven units to face the Zeon forces. In the briefing room, I saw someone I never expected: my former classmate, XiangLei Huang. She was my best friend in school. After I killed my father at 17 and burned down the house, I disappeared and lost all contact with her. I didn't want her to see the person I'd become. But she noticed me even with my messy hair and changed appearance. "Lydia? Lydia Mercer?" she asked, approaching me. "You've got the wrong person," I said, looking away. "There's no doubt it's you!" she insisted. "SHUT UP!" I yelled, furious, and walked away without looking back.
We all gathered in the briefing room. The Zeon forces heading for Chicago were using a ground mobile armor called the "Rhinocheros," which had a variety of heavy weapons. They also had an "anti-mobile suit special tactical squad" with guided missile launchers, and XiangLei was a volunteer in that unit. We moved to Minnesota and stopped at Fergus Falls, now a dead town. The mobile suit sweepers took position first, and XiangLei's team hid in the ruins of a building, far from us. I zoomed in and watched XiangLei and the others prepare their M-101A3 Regina missile launchers. My mind reeled back to a time when we were inseparable, sharing homework, lunch, and sleepovers. We promised to be close friends forever. I had never told her about the violence I suffered from my father. I never wanted her to know about that.
The plan was to lure the enemy in and trap them. The enemies were three Zaku IIs, four Goufs, and the Rhinocheros. But another unit, a flying mobile armor called the "MAX-03 Adzam" along with three Gouf Flight Types, was missed in the report. They spotted us from the sky, and our plan was blown. The Goufs started shooting from above with their "Gatling shields," and the Adzam attacked with its "2-barrel mega particle gun". We fought back, but it was brutal. The anti-mobile suit squad fired their missiles, causing explosions but not killing the pilots. Aaron, Renato, and I focused on the flying units, while the others attacked the ground forces. Aaron told us he and Renato would take care of the Gouf Flight Types and the Adzam, while the rest of the mobile suits and the Anti-mobile suit squad handled the ground forces.
The Goufs were too fast. I had a risky plan to take down the Adzam. I boosted my GM Spartan with full thrusters toward the sky, using the Gouf Flight Types as stepping stones to reach the Adzam. I managed to grab its body and stab my beam saber into it, creating a big hole. Then, I fired my wired missile inside, causing the Adzam to fall with a huge explosion. I landed safely as the Adzam crashed. Renato and Aaron had already taken care of the remaining Gouf Flight Types. I was back to my old self. "Not bad for a woman like you," Renato said.
"Your plan was crazy, but you took down the Adzam all on your own. I'm impressed," Aaron added. "It was just instinct," I replied.
But then, the worst part began. There was a fifth Gouf hiding behind the Rhinocheros all along. It ambushed the Anti-mobile suit squad, killing them one by one. I heard their terrified screams over the comms and worried about XiangLei. I started to move to save her, but a Zaku II shot at me with a bazooka. Aaron defended me with his shield and shot down the Zaku II. "Go! I'll cover you!" Aaron shouted. I pushed my GM Spartan to XiangLei's location, hoping she was safe, but I was wrong. She was the only one left. Her body was covered in blood, and her left arm was gone from a Gouf attack. She was carrying her missile launcher alone, blood dripping with every step. She established a private communication with me, her voice weak and broken. "...Lydia... I know it was you... you used to be my best friend... we were inseparable... But now... you've become a different person... I thought you were gone... until I met you today..." she whispered. "JUST HOLD ON, XIANGLEI! HELP IS ON THE WAY!" I screamed, pushing my GM Spartan forward. But the Rhinocheros' missiles were blocking my path. I felt a strange sense of pity, something I hadn't felt in a long time. Is this fear? Is this the old me?.
The last Gouf noticed XiangLei. With blood still dripping, she aimed her guided missile at the Gouf, and the mobile suit raised its heat saber. I couldn't lose her! She's my only friend! But the Rhinocheros' missiles were relentless. I was so sorry, XiangLei! I had been afraid to see you again! I yelled at you because I didn't want anyone to know my past! "...Lydia... I love you... and... farewell," XiangLei's voice said, mixed with sadness and weakness. I screamed her name as she fired her missile. The Gouf swung its heat saber, and the missile hit the cockpit. The Gouf fell, its cockpit exploding, but the heat saber also struck and killed XiangLei.
I finally arrived at her location, but her body had been sliced in half. Only her legs, still in a firing stance, remained. I was in shock. My best friend was gone, forever, leaving only her guts and legs behind. I got out of my cockpit and walked to where she fell. I fell to my knees, my tears finally bursting out in loud sobs. The entire anti-mobile suit squad had been wiped out. Renato took down the Rhinocheros, and the Zeon forces were defeated, but we had lost our allies. Aaron approached me, getting out of his Gundam to stand beside me. "I knew this would happen to her. XiangLei was a good person," he said. "She was my best friend in school, and now she's dead on the battlefield," I sobbed.
Aaron handed me a diary. "You're Lydia Mercer, right? She told me to give you this if she didn't make it," he said. He told me to come on, or Lieutenant Renato would be mad if he saw me like this. Aaron and I returned to our mobile suits and headed back to the base. It was night when I got back to my room. I took off my pilot suit and opened XiangLei's diary. Inside were photos of us, of a happy time I had long forgotten. I used to be so cheerful before my mother's divorce and my father's abuse. Page after page, I read about our life together and how close we were. My tears fell as I read about her love for me, her sorrow over my distance, and her fear. I treated her so badly because I was a coward; I didn't want her to know what I had become. And now she was dead. Her diary was a testament to her unwavering friendship and a constant reminder of my betrayal.
Her final words echoed in my mind: "Lydia... I love you... and... farewell,". And her death was a brutal, horrifying end, a direct result of the war I was a part of, the same war that had forced her to become a soldier. Her diary and her death were a brutal, unforgiving mirror, reflecting the monster I had become.
"The Diary of XiangLei"
(U.C. 0070)
Today I met a girl who will become my best friend. Her name is Lydia Mercer. She has a smile that can light up the entire classroom, and her laughter is like a melody that fills the halls. We share so many things: homework, jokes, dreams. We made a promise to be inseparable, no matter what happens in the future. I feel like I've found a piece of my soul in her. We are two stars on a shared journey, our lights intertwined.
(U.C. 0074)
Lately, Lydia seems a little distant. Her eyes, once so bright, now hold a flicker of sorrow I can't quite understand. I've noticed bruises on her arms, but she always wears long sleeves to hide them, even on the hottest days. When I ask, she just tells me she's clumsy. I know she's lying. I want to know what's happening, what darkness she's hiding, but I don't want to push her away. Our promise of friendship feels heavier now, a silent burden we both carry. I wish she would let me into her world so I could help her heal.
(U.C. 0076)
The news hit me like a physical blow. Lydia's house burned down. I went there, but she was nowhere to be found. The fire consumed everything, just like the loss of her consumed my heart. The promise we made feels shattered, burned to ash. I feel like a part of me died that day, a piece of my own light extinguished. I tried to find her, but she had vanished without a trace, gone from my life and from society. The world feels colder now, her absence a gaping void in my life.
(U.C. 0079)
It's been three years since the fire. The pain of losing her never truly faded. To fill the emptiness, I joined the federation. The military is full of harsh lessons, relentless
training, and endless mockery, but it's a world where I can channel my grief. Today, I saw her. In this military base, in this war-torn world, I saw Lydia. She has changed so much. The bright-eyed girl I knew is gone, replaced by someone with a tired, distant look. My heart yearned to reach out, to embrace her, but she turned away, refusing to acknowledge me. The pain of her rejection was sharp, a new kind of loss. I don't know what happened to her. She's so different now.
My unit, the anti-mobile suit tactical squad, is heading out on a mission. We'll be using guided missile launchers to trap Zeon forces. The mobile suit team will be far away, and I will be in the last line, hiding. It's a dangerous mission, and a part of me fears this might be the last page I write. I am so scared of losing myself in this war. If I don't make it, I want her to know how much I love her, how much our friendship meant. I will give this diary to our leader, Aaron, and ask him to give it to her. I hope she will read these words and remember the friendship we once had. It's time to go. The mission awaits. Farewell, my dear friend. I love you.
To be continue.