I wake up to the comforting sound of a bird repeatedly crashing into a windowsill.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
"Stop," I groan, blinking the static out of my eyes.
Thump.
It hits the glass again and leaves a little pixel smear, as if even nature in this world can't render properly.
Patch, the coffee-addicted cat, stretches on my chest like this is a resort and not the roof of a collapsing tavern. "Ah, Crown City. Still as unstable as I remember."
I sit up. Slowly.
The sky above me stutters between day and night like someone's arguing over the brightness slider. The air smells faintly like old leather, ozone, and—oh good—someone's cooking glitched sausages that occasionally teleport one inch to the left.
[Location: Crown City – Version 3.1 Legacy Instance][Status: Technically Alive][Danger Level: Social Interaction]
I peer over the ledge.
This place is massive.
A sprawl of cobbled streets, crooked rooftops, NPC stalls, and streetlamps with quest markers floating over them like hopeful mosquitoes. Everything is mostly medieval fantasy with occasional bursts of 2007 UI design. There's even a merchant cart being pulled by what I swear is just two angry JPEGs of horses on sticks.
[Welcome Back, Player!][It's Been 1742 Days Since Your Last Login!][Would You Like a Nostalgia Pack?]
I slap the pop-up away.
Patch yawns and cleans his paw. "Right. We need gear, a base, and intel. Ideally in that order."
"Can't we just hide here until the next patch?"
"Zerik, you got flagged as Final Boss Candidate. You're like a celebrity cryptid. The longer you wait, the more rumors stack up."
I sigh. "Fine. Let's get it over with."
As soon as we hop down into the alley, the city feels weird.
Like a dream you half-remember from a buggy Skyrim mod. Every second NPC flickers, walks into walls, or stares blankly at the sun like it's a loading screen.
I try to stay casual, but the first NPC that approaches me ruins that completely.
"Greetings, [USERNAME]," says a guard in chainmail that only covers one leg. "Would you like to complete the [MISSING QUEST TEXT]?"
"…No."
"Wonderful!" he smiles. "Then I'll escort you to the town square where we will [EVENT FLAG: PANIC]! It's almost time for the big [CUTSCENE_NAME]!"
He salutes by stabbing himself in the forehead with his spear and then marches into a wall.
Patch makes a finger-gun gesture. "Welcome to Crown City. Population: Brain Rot."
[Subzone Entered: Cobbler's Row][Reputation: Neutral. Suspicion Level: Minimal Glitch Aura Detected]
The streets are lined with old signs, most of them flickering or half-loaded. One says "Join the Adventurer's Guild!" but the letters keep spelling out "EAT MORE SPIDERS" in between refreshes.
I duck into a side alley, passing a vendor whose stall sells nothing but one boot and thirty-seven pairs of left gloves.
An old woman in a shawl waves at me with a frozen smile. "Would you like a child?"
"I—I beg your pardon?"
"A child! Just the one! You seem like a strong hero! All strong heroes need one for character growth!"
[NPC Name: Granny Lin / Title: Quest Dispenser / AI Personality Core: Corrupted][Quest Offered: Adopt a Sidekick or Die Trying!]
Patch grabs my sleeve. "Do not accept that."
"She's still holding it out like it's a tray of muffins!"
The child in question blinks at me from behind the stall. Its eyes are fully black, and it's holding a knife made of bread.
We sidestep the whole stall and nudge our way toward the marketplace, where the signs are somehow louder and the people weirder.
[Subzone Entered: Crown City Plaza][Faction Presence Detected – Loading...][Faction Detected: Cult of Patch Notes][Faction Detected: The Downgraded][Faction Detected: Party Crashers][Faction Detected: Tutorial Liberation Front]
I stare at the floating windows.
"…These are real?"
Patch snorts. "They're real adjacent. Most are leftovers from failed events or orphaned expansions. They stayed alive by feeding off system confusion."
I glance to the left.
There's a man screaming into a megaphone made from a horn and a skull. "REVERT THE UI! BRING BACK MOUNT SKATING! 3.1 FOREVER!"
[Name: Greg / Title: Head of The Downgraded / Philosophy: "If it worked once, patch it never."]
To the right, a trio of robed figures chant around a floating changelog.
"And thus the patch was released...And thus the cooldowns were extended...And we knew the wrath of the devs..."
[Faction: Cult of Patch Notes][Reputation: Mildly Respected. Possibly Feared.]
Patch rolls his eyes. "Ignore them. We're looking for information, not retro memes."
"Everything here is a retro meme."
"Exactly. That's why we check with the Party Crashers."
"Why do I feel like that'll involve exploding cake?"
"You're not wrong."
We slip into a pub called The Kernel Panic. The sign swings lazily, spelling "Open 25/7" one second and "Drinks with Side Effects!" the next.
Inside, the lighting is moody, the drinks are questionably shaped, and the music sounds like someone ran a bard through a soundboard.
Behind the bar is a woman with a shaved sidecut and an eyepatch shaped like a refresh button.
She leans forward. "You look like the kind of bug that breaks cutscenes."
[NPC Name: Vess / Faction: Party Crashers / Role: Fixer of Broken Stuff (And Sometimes People)]
I nod slowly. "You could say I've... debugged a few things."
Patch kicks my ankle. "Don't try to sound cool. It's embarrassing."
"Shut up. Let me have this."
Vess raises an eyebrow. "You running from something? Glitch traces all over you."
I glance around the bar. There are a dozen shady types, each glitchier than the last. One of them is stuck halfway through a transformation animation. Another one's hat keeps trying to escape.
"I'm looking for information," I say. "About a missing protagonist."
Her face darkens. "You're not the first."
She pours a glowing drink, which promptly turns into a fish and swims off the counter.
She doesn't stop it.
"There've been whispers," she says. "About quests disappearing. NPCs going blank. Something eating flags from the inside."
Patch narrows his eyes. "And?"
"And there's talk of a place past the city edge. The Archive. Buried under rollback code and firewall trash. Stuff the devs didn't clean up. Where the first protagonist might've glitched out."
[Quest Updated: Ghost in the Build – Optional Route: The Archive]
"Can you get us there?" I ask.
Vess smirks. "For a price."
Patch sighs. "Here we go."
She hands me a scroll.
[Party Crashers Event: The Mayor's Birthday]Objective: Attend the Mayor's birthday party tonight and "accidentally" trigger the backup boss code.Reward: Access to hidden city pathways.Disclaimer: Explosions may occur. Blame the cake.
I rub my temples.
"I'm about to crash a birthday party."
"You're about to crash the birthday party," Patch corrects. "Crown City's mayorship changes hands every time the old one explodes."
"…That's a tradition?"
"No, it's a bug. But nobody stopped it, so now it's canon."
We step out of The Kernel Panic as the sun glitches between "sunset" and "whoops, moon." Confetti starts falling from the sky.
A sign flickers into existence above the plaza:
🎉 [Mayor's Birthday Event: Active!] 🎉[Please do not lick the balloons.][All guests must wear a hat or face social penalty.]
Patch looks at me.
"Zerik. Please tell me you have a disguise."
I look down at my gear.
[Equipped: Tunic of Tolerable Smell][Accessory: Duck of Agony (Cursed, Non-Removable)][Aura: Debugged]
I sigh.
"I am the disguise."