The first thing I see when I arrive at the mayor's birthday party is a cake trying to escape.
It hops down the steps like a possessed jelly cube in frosting form, trailing sparkler candles and screaming, "I HAVE RIGHTS!" before faceplanting into a punch bowl and combusting.
Patch, perched smugly on my shoulder, deadpans: "Ten seconds in. Not even a dramatic entrance yet."
"I was going to do the whole 'cool walk through the fog' thing," I mutter.
"Too late. That cake stole your thunder."
[Event: Mayor's 117th Birthday – Phase 1: Welcome Chaos][Objective: Blend in, survive, and find the backup boss code.][Secondary Objective: Don't get politically assassinated.]
I adjust my disguise—by which I mean I throw a cloak over my debug aura and hope no one notices the ominous red "ERROR: ILLEGAL ENTITY" tag floating subtly over my head.
The event plaza is… deranged.
Color-coded faction banners hang from glitched stone pillars:
Cult of Patch Notes is passing out holy hotfix scrolls.
The Downgraded are chanting, "3.1 or DEATH!" while throwing floppy disks like ninja stars.
The Party Crashers are actually running security, which is like hiring arsonists to babysit fireworks.
A brass band is playing a fanfare, but every third note is a Windows error chime. Someone's grandmother is dancing with a quest marker. The air smells like burnt sugar, stat resets, and suppressed rebellion.
The mayor, a smiling man in a gold-trimmed robe and top hat made of pixel static, floats three inches above the stage, waving to the crowd.
[Mayor Bribald VIII – Title: City Executive / Bug Class: Persistent][HP: Scripted. Cannot be changed except by major event trigger.][Known For: Not dying on time.]
Patch whispers, "This guy's been mayor for eight years past his 'explode-by' date. Nobody knows how."
"Is he glitch-immortal?"
"No. He's just lucky."
I frown. "We should talk to him before the party hits phase two."
"You mean before the meatball catapult?"
"…The what?"
Before Patch can explain, the music cuts.
The mayor floats forward, arms wide, smile too wide.
"Dearest citizens of Crown City! We gather again to celebrate another year of my statistically improbable survival!"
Polite applause. A balloon explodes in the distance.
"And as tradition dictates, I shall offer a toast before the 'Unscheduled Fireworks' begin!"
Patch mutters, "That's code for 'things are about to explode on purpose.'"
The mayor raises his glass. "To the past, and all its patches! To the present, and all its pop-ups! And to the future—may we one day function as intended!"
He sips.
A second later, a System Warning flashes across the sky:
[EVENT BRANCHING – Hidden Trigger Activated][New Variable Detected: UNIDENTIFIED DEBUG ENTITY (YOU)][Adjusting Event Path...]
The wind shifts.
The sky glitches.
And from behind the central fountain, a masked figure steps into view.
They're dressed in sleek black leather—clean, sharp, intentionally rendered. Too perfect for this messy place. A long silver cloak flickers like code unspooling, and their mask—white, smooth, with no mouth—displays a single flickering word in shifting red font:
[STABILIZE]
The crowd goes quiet.
Even the cultists stop chanting.
[UNKNOWN ENTITY: NOT IN STANDARD BUILD][Possible Debugger. Possible Rogue Player.][Codename: Cleanser]
Patch curses. "That's not Vortax."
"Then who—?"
"It's worse. It might be a player. A glitched one. But one who thinks they're helping."
The Cleanser raises a hand. Glitches crackle in their palm, like they're about to throw a code injection as a weapon.
"Mayor Bribald," the figure says, voice modulated like an angry spreadsheet, "you were supposed to retire six events ago."
Bribald backs up. "N-now now, we can talk—"
[CASTING: FORCED PATCH: MAYOR.EXE][Success Rate: 97%]
"Nope," I say. "Not today."
I launch a chair.
Yes, really.
[Skill Used: Improvised Authority]You throw random objects with narrative weight.Effect: Target is forced to take you seriously.Cooldown: Only if it's funny.
The chair slams into the Cleanser mid-cast, knocking their spell off-course.
The glitch beam redirects—straight into a food cart labeled "100% Unstable Meatballs".
The cart erupts.
And the payload launches.
A cannonade of flaming meatballs explodes across the plaza.
[Event Phase 2 Activated: PANIC.][Optional Quests Unlocked.][Find Shelter | Save the Mayor | Side With a Faction | Sabotage the Cleanser | Steal the Cake]
Patch howls with laughter. "You turned a bossfight into a buffet!"
"I panicked and weaponized appetizers!"
The Cleanser stumbles, then locks eyes with me. Their mask zooms in on my aura.
[DEBUG ENTITY: ZERIK – TARGET PRIORITY: MAXIMUM][Suggested Action: Engage / Quarantine / Terminate]
They flick their cloak, drawing a blade made of condensed rollback code.
Great.
A sword made of regret.
They charge.
I dodge into a group of cultists mid-chant. "Brothers and sisters! A sign from the Devs!"
One turns. "He bears the cursed duck! He is the foretold one!"
"No, I'm just—"
They lift me onto their shoulders.
"THE PATCHED MESSIAH!"
"I—excuse me—"
[Achievement Unlocked: Mistaken For A Religious Figure. Again.][Temporary Buff: +20 Crowd Control][Debuff: Emotional Exhaustion]
Patch facepalms so hard he clips into his own shoulder.
The Cleanser slices through the crowd, but I'm being carried like a trophy by people who smell like keyboard cleaner and delusion. The cultists toss scrolls. The Downgraded throw boot disks. Someone screams, "STEAL THE CAKE!" and the entire plaza erupts into open chaos.
I spot the mayor fleeing into a sewer tunnel.
A glowing cake spinning wildly on a hover platter.
And, directly ahead, a secret staircase opening beneath the fountain—the entrance to the backup boss code.
Patch yells in my ear: "PICK A PATH!"
"I CHOOSE ALL OF THEM!"
OPTIONAL QUEST BRANCHES UNLOCKED:
Follow the mayor into the sewers. Discover what secrets he's been hiding.Confront the Cleanser in the chaos. Learn what they really are.Steal the hover-cake. It may or may not contain a secret dev room access key.Join the Party Crashers in their attempt to flip the city upside-down (literally).