Alternative Title: How to accidentally commit holy blasphemy and child endangerment before lunch.
It all started with a letter.
Not a mission request. Not a cursed report. Just a plain-ass, folded letter that blew through the chapel window and smacked Juno in the face mid-meditation. She opened it, sniffed it, whispered to it, and then declared it a divine summons.
"An educational institution is in peril," she intoned.
"What kind of peril?" asked Thorne, sharpening communion wafers into throwing stars.
Juno shrugged. "The letter smelled like unresolved trauma and soy sauce. Probably PTA-related."
"Blessed be," Father Asher murmured, stuffing wine flasks into his robes. "We ride at dawn."
Elsewhere, Principal Yaga had called a parent-teacher conference for students at risk of emotional instability (aka all of them). Faculty were present. Mei Mei was pretending to care. Utahime was trying not to scream. Gakuganji was just asleep. Nanami was absent because he knew better.
Gojo was late. Obviously.
The conference began normally—well, for a school that trains teens to fight flesh monsters. They discussed emotional growth, psychological strain, and the number of cursed corpses Megumi had emotionally detached from this semester.
Then the wall exploded.
The door flew off its hinges and hit Panda in the face. A smokescreen of cheap incense and deodorant filled the air.
Spillglass stumbled in first, holding a box labeled "Cursed Career Advice."
He burped. "We heard a child's soul was in danger of... education."
Behind him came the rest—Father Asher wielding a spiritual pointer stick like a staff, Sister Marrow dragging a cooler labeled "EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SNACKS," and Flint carrying a whiteboard covered in ancient curse memes and bloodstains. Juno floated behind them muttering Latin at the PTA sign-in sheet.
"WHO LET THEM IN?!" Utahime screamed.
"Fate," Juno answered.
Father Asher launched into a motivational sermon titled "Your Child Is Probably Cursed and That's Okay." He began pacing, dramatically sipping communion wine, and gesturing at a slide that read:
"TRAUMA + BLESSINGS = CHARACTER GROWTH"
He turned to Megumi. "Son, do you dream of coffins?"
Megumi blinked. "...Sometimes?"
Asher nodded solemnly. "That's just puberty."
Nobara laughed so hard she snorted coffee out her nose. Gojo arrived halfway through and sat next to Yuji with popcorn.
"Is this mandatory?" Yuji asked.
"Nothing's mandatory," Gojo whispered. "But this is absolutely illegal."
Flint tried to run a "cursed trust fall" using a low-level shikigami and a faulty ceiling fan. It nearly decapitated a parent.
Juno gave a presentation on soul metaphysics using a cursed sock puppet. The sock began screaming mid-sentence. She apologized and stuffed it into her pocket, whispering, "He's going through a break-up."
Thorne handed out flyers titled "How to Tell If Your Kid Is a Vessel, a Time Bomb, or Both."
Marrow passed around "emotional support beef jerky" and a stress ball made from an actual stress curse. Panda chewed it. Everyone ignored the part where it whispered "kill me."
It was only a matter of time before someone activated a cursed object by mistake.
In this case, it was Spillglass, who mistook a sealed domain trigger for a bottle opener. The room warped.
The domain snapped into place like a broken ruler.
Everyone inside was suddenly floating—chairs, desks, and sorcerers alike suspended in midair, the walls melting into chalk-dusted spirals. The cursed domain took the form of a demonic classroom, where the only rule was humiliation.
At the center hovered the cursed spirit: a massive report card with writhing ink and four cracked lenses for eyes. It pulsed with energy as papers flew around like shuriken.
Its voice boomed through the domain like a pissed-off headmaster:
"COMMENCING MENTAL EVALUATION."
"Yuuji Itadori: Suppressed guilt, unresolved father issues, scored C-minus in Math."
"Megumi Fushiguro: God complex, sibling trauma, textbook masochist."
"Nobara Kugisaki: Anger issues, violent fashion sense, dangerous self-esteem."
"Gojo Satoru: Terminal cockiness, authority issues, unresolved exorcist addiction."
Gojo nodded. "I mean... it's not wrong."
Yuji flailed in midair. "WHY IS IT GRADING MY LIFE?!"
"Because you cheated on your trauma essay!" the report card screamed.
It lashed out—launching a spiral of psychic red ink that slashed across the walls, spelling out everyone's worst memories in handwriting that looked suspiciously like their mom's. Nobara dodged a flying chalkboard that screamed, "TIDY YOUR ROOM."
Megumi tried to summon his shikigami, but a cursed exam sheet slapped onto his forehead. "You studied the wrong trauma!" it hissed.
The cursed domain didn't just attack their bodies—it attacked their minds.
One floating test paper burst into flames and screamed, "YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!"
Another one wrapped around Juno's head and whispered, "You forgot your third-grade locker combo and now your soul is exposed."
Panda tried to tank a flying desk, only for the desk to transform into a cursed teacher that yelled, "You'll never be real!"
Father Asher floated in upside down, eyes glowing, screaming into a megaphone he found nowhere, "I DECLARE OPEN BOOK SPIRITUAL WARFARE!"
Thorne roared, "I'M FLASHBACK-RESISTANT, BITCH," and tackled a cursed bookshelf midair.
Marrow grabbed a floating chalk tray, slapped a cursed eraser onto her forehead like a third eye, and began headbutting flying quizzes out of existence. "I WAS HELD BACK TWICE AND LOVED IT!"
Flint set a dictionary on fire. Then ate half of it.
Gojo lazily kicked off a cursed rolling chair, doing flips. "I gotta admit... this might be the funniest thing I've seen all year."
The report card spirit shrieked and summoned cursed school bells—bladed, floating, ringing projectiles that homed in on stress points.
Yuji punched one out of the air and yelled, "YOU AIN'T RINGIN' ME, BITCH."
Then came the turning point.
Spillglass floated to the front of the class and clutched the karaoke mic like a prophet. The moment he opened his mouth, cursed lyrics began manifesting on the walls:
"It started out with a fight… how did it end up like this?"
Asher flew beside him, swinging a giant ruler made of cursed chalk. "SING IT LOUDER, SOLDIER!"
Spillglass screamed the second verse in Latin, vodka sloshing from his flask, his voice cracked, hoarse, and weirdly pitch-perfect.
The cursed spirit recoiled. "NO—NOT EARLY 2000s TRAUMA ROCK!"
A light blasted out from behind Spillglass as Juno spun midair, yelling, "I INVOKE THE POWER OF CRINGE!" and hurled a burnt diary page into the curse's core.
Boom. The domain started shuddering.
Gojo finally stepped in, summoned a hollow purple eraser, and handed it to Megumi.
"You do the honors."
Megumi, surrounded by his floating demons and a bloody essay labeled "Why I Hate Myself: A Thesis", nodded and launched the eraser through the air.
It hit the spirit square in the GPA.
The cursed report card exploded into a thousand rejection letters.
The domain shattered.
The dust settled. The PTA room was in ruins. One desk was still orbiting.
Desks clattered to the ground. Paper snow rained down. Marrow lit a cigarette using a cursed quiz sheet still on fire.
Asher stood, panting. "...That was the most academically violent battle I've ever been part of."
Spillglass collapsed onto a desk. "I just passed my own demons... with a C-minus."
Yuji sat cross-legged on the floor. "I think I actually feel better."
Nobara leaned against the wall. "You should. That curse called me fashionably aggressive. I'm putting that on my resume."
Gojo grinned. "Alright, therapy session's over. Who wants ice cream?"
Everyone raised a hand.
Yaga rubbed his temples. "I hate this school."
Gojo smiled. "Best conference ever."
Asher handed Megumi a certificate that read "Survived Parental Energy."
"Do... do I even have a parent here?" Megumi asked.
"You do now," Thorne said, hugging him.
Utahime stormed out. Panda was still unconscious. The ceiling fan was on fire. And someone had filled the suggestion box with sardines.
Back in their van, the Communion celebrated.
"To a successful outreach program!" Asher toasted.
"We traumatized ten children," Marrow deadpanned.
"Spiritually!" he clarified.
Juno whispered, "I saw Mahito's shadow outside the window. He was watching. I think we confused him into retreat."
Spillglass nodded sagely. "As intended."
They drove off into the dusk, accidentally sideswiping a cursed bike rack and yelling "BLESS YOU!" as it exploded.