To All Bureau StaffFrom Madame Macaron, Head of Soul LogisticsSubject: Regarding Soul #47281-A (aka "Vending Machine Deity")Urgency Level: Pop Tab Red (High Pressure, May Explode)
Dear Cookies, Trucks, Sentient Appliances, and Employees (Snicker, stop eating the paper):
It has come to my attention that the recent case involving Derek O'Connell, reincarnated as a soul-powered vending machine, has resulted in the unintentional founding of a cult in the dungeon region of Abandoned Mines – B2 Sector.
As of this writing:
Three adventurers have bowed before the snack slot.
One goblin reportedly received a vision of a "soda serpent" in a dream.
A cleric has begun preaching the "Teachings of the Eternal Gacha."
And someone left an offering of ramen beside Derek's casing. It is now stuck in his internal donation bin and is clogging the Coin of Fate dispenser.
This is not protocol.
Incident Log Excerpts:
[10:23 A.M.]Dungeon Explorer Party #11 approaches vending machine. Inserted two Soul Coins. Received honey potato sticks and a can of "Blessed Citrus Surge."
Cleric collapses. Declares it "a divine epiphany."
[11:01 A.M.]Fighter attempts to punch machine to "get bonus loot." Receives mild electric shock. Now refers to Derek as "The Just One."
[11:59 A.M.]Mage attempts to summon Derek for guidance. Accidentally gets a crate of off-brand cola. Labels it "Liquid Oracles." Drinks five. Achieves brief astral projection and vomits enlightenment.
Immediate Action Items:
Karma-1 will dispatch a small sign reading:
"DO NOT WORSHIP THE VENDING MACHINE."(in 3 languages and glitter-resistant print)
Riku will visit Derek's domain to remind him he is not legally a deity, no matter how fizzy he feels.
Snicker Dude is banned from installing "Auto Blessing Nozzles" without department approval.
Ginger Snap will stop screaming into the karma cables and begin patching the system glitch that is currently labeling soul types as "Hot/Cold Beverage."
Philosophical Questions Raised (to be ignored):
If a vending machine dispenses chips in the woods and no one is around, is it still a holy miracle?
Can a Soul Coin be used as currency and communion?
How did Derek get a promotional jingle, and why does it slap?
🎵 "Snack salvation in a can, drop your soul and take my hand!" 🎵— now playing hourly on Dungeon Radio 3
Thank you for your attention. And please remember:
We are a Bureau of Reincarnation.Not a drive-thru pantheon.
Yours in bureaucratic despair,Madame Macaron