"Listen well, young Sabuko." Guy's voice echoed through the forest. "This mission isn't something I'd give to just anyone. Forget unorthodox, forget breaking the rules. It carries a kind of unpredictability unfit for a ninja your age."
'His tone's different...' Sabuko gulped.
"I'm only totally not giving you this mission," Guy went on, "because I believe in your instincts. The instincts that got you this far. The instincts you used to youthfully defeat a jōnin, and the ones that kept you from complaining even once this entire month."
"In short,"
"I believe you can do it!"
Sabuko narrowed his eyes.
"A-and if I can't?"
"Then you'll die the most horrible death!" Guy said with a smile.
'This.'
Sabuko's hand twitched.
'This is cool as hell..!'
He gulped.
'This super-capable jōnin main character is fully convinced I got that dawg in me. I'd be cryin' if my heart wasn't pounding in my damn ears...'
'But,'
Sabuko deadpanned as Guy walked off.
'I got my ass beat the whole month.'
A crow flew by.
Then he shook his head.
'I'll trust him. Forget "nothing to lose."' Sabuko closed his eyes. 'He's a reliable, cool Guy... and he believes in me. Fuck me if I'm not gonna at least try.'
He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and smirked.
Soon enough, he slipped into Guy's very unlocked home and picked up the mission scroll, wondering just what kind of peril awaited him—
"A CAT?!?!? I HAVE TO FIND A FUCKING CAT OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE!!!? DID THAT BUSHY-BROWED DUNCE LOSE HIS FUCKING MIND?!" Sabuko shouted as he stormed through Konoha, fresh from Guy's place.
He looked down at the mission scroll again:
📜 KONOHAGAKURE MISSION REGISTRY
MISSION REGISTER #004-921-CAT (RANK: D)
CLIENT: Madam Shijimi (Wife of the Fire Daimyō)
REWARD: 5,000 Ryō
DESCRIPTION: The client requests the immediate mobilization of a genin squad to locate and secure her prized calico cat, Tora, who has breached the household perimeter... again, and escaped into the wilderness surrounding Sector 3 of the village. The target is highly agile, hostile to tracking efforts, and easily identified by a red ribbon with a gold bell around its neck.
RESTRICTIONS: Mission must be completed before sundown. Madam Shijimi's entourage is scheduled to depart Konoha this evening. Departure cannot be delayed.
Sabuko crumpled the paper and stuffed it into his waist pouch.
'What is that mushroom head thinking!?' he growled.
'He said I'm supposed to impress the Hokage, and made it sound like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...! This is just some unauthorized rando catching a fucking cat. EVEN I know I'm more likely to get scolded than praised for this shit!'
He sighed deeply.
'...'
Then he threw a punch.
'Feels good, I guess. I've noticed I don't tire out as fast, and I feel firmer. But that's about it.'
He shook his head.
'What, did I think I'd be fighting bandits or something? I get beat up every single day. I'd get folded in a heartbeat...'
Sabuko shrugged.
'Oh well. Said I'd try.' He looked toward one of the village gates.
'It said Sector 3, outside the village. So I guess I'm heading out.'
Unbeknownst to Sabuko, someone was watching.
"He's finally alone... that little shit," one of them growled.
"A whole damn month just to snatch one brat..."
"Still bugs me how that bushy-browed jōnin kept disappearing with him," another chimed in.
"Think he spotted us?"
"Doubt it. Konoha's jōnin are just cautious. That's why we kept our distance."
"Hmph. Whatever. The brat's alone now."
They looked back at Sabuko.
"Looks like he's doing a mission or something."
"Alright," the first one said. "Go tell Mr. Kanto we've got him. We'll bring him in later today."
The Mist ninja beside him nodded and vanished.
The one who stayed behind narrowed his eyes at Sabuko.
'I'mma take my time with you, you little shit.'
---------- SOME TIME LATER ----------
The door to the Hokage's office slammed open with a loud thud.
"LORD HOKAGE!" Meatball Kanto roared as he stormed in. "WHERE IS MY SON!?"
Guy was standing beside the Hokage's desk.
"...! YOU!" Meatball stepped forward, glaring at him. "YOU'VE GOT SOME NERVE. YOU FILLED MY SON'S HEAD WITH NONSENSE, AND NOW HE'S NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!"
"Let's stay calm, Mr. Kanto." The Hokage slowly raised a hand. "What seems to be the matter?"
"MY SON. SABUKO. HE'S MISSING!" he shouted as his wife hurried in after him.
"AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THE REASON!" He pointed at Guy.
A beat. Guy's expression was unreadable.
"YES! I AM!" he said with a grin.
"W-what!? You're admitting it!?"
"Guy just informed me," the Hokage sighed, "that Sabuko took an unauthorized mission from his home. Seeing as Guy is far too capable to let something like that happen by accident, I'm inclined to believe he did it deliberately."
"HMPH!" Guy folded his arms. "YOUTHFULLY GUILTY AS CHARGED! AS EXPECTED, I CAN HIDE NOTHING FROM YOU, LORD HOKAGE!"
"You'll be punished accordingly, Guy," Hiruzen added.
"I ACCEPT!"
"You bastard...!!" Kanto growled. "Putting my son in danger...!! This is your fault—"
"STRANGE, SIR!" Guy cut in. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't contacted Sabuko in over a month."
Meatball froze.
"...Are you implying something, you cur?!"
"I am!" Guy grinned. "I'm implying you must love Sabuko-kun very much, and must share some psychic connection, seeing as you showed up at the Hokage's office the very morning he took a mission."
Meatball's eyes widened.
Then Guy's voice dropped slightly. "Very considerate of you."
Meatball's wife glanced at him.
"I've..." Meatball swallowed. "I've been keeping tabs on Sabuko ever since he left. He's my SON," he growled, clenching his fist.
"My sources tell me he's nowhere in the village." He looked up at Guy and Hiruzen.
"YES. I'm a father who wants to know his son is safe. At least I'm not some criminal who deliberately puts him in danger for shinobi nonsense!"
Hiruzen set down his pipe with a sigh.
"Well," he said, "the mission Sabuko took from Guy required him to leave the village."
Everyone turned to him.
"So he didn't leave against his will," Hiruzen said. "You can rest assured of that."
"Will he be back today?" the wife asked, stepping forward with a furrowed brow. "Lord Hokage, I know missions can take a long time. He's not far, is he?"
Hiruzen shook his head.
"The mission is to find a cat on the outskirts of the village and bring it back today. Past sundown, the mission is forfeit. Either way, Sabuko will return to the village today."
She exhaled, smiling. "Thank you...!"
"Then we'll wait here," Meatball said, stomping over to a nearby chair.
"That's fine." Hiruzen nodded.
"And if my son isn't back by the end of the day..." Meatball glared at both Guy and the Hokage. "I'll turn both your worlds upside down!"
'...Maybe this was for the best, Sabuko,' Meatball thought.
'Now I get to teach you the lesson you deserve once those savages bring you in, AND tear down this ridiculous, nonsensical hierarchy.'
'Maybe I won't be too harsh.'
'Maybe.'
---------- 11 A.M. ----------
'That... haaah... fucking cat... where IS he?!' Sabuko sighed, checking every bush and behind every tree.
...As did four more Sabuko clones, each searching somewhere different.
'Where WOULD a cat go?' He leaned against a tree, staring at the ground.
'Can I bait him with fish? Do cats like places near water? Fuuuuuuck... if only I'd studied catology or some shit.'
'Catology.'
'Study.'
Then it hit him: a flash of how he'd crammed for Bolo's written test.
He looked at one of the nearby clones.
"SABUKO!! COME HERE!"
The clone jumped over. "What's up?"
"Go back to the village. The library. Like, study cat behavior. Where they like to go in nature and stuff..."
"..."
"You sure a book that specific even exists?" the clone asked.
"FUCK! OF COURSE IT DOESN'T! SHIT!" Sabuko clicked his tongue.
"Hmmm..." They both thought about it.
"Why not hit up a pet shop or something? A shopkeeper might know cat stuff," the clone suggested.
"Shit, yeah! Do that."
"Yep!" The clone took off running toward the village.
"OH YEAH," the original Sabuko shouted after him, "LOOK UP WHAT SECTOR 3 LOOKS LIKE SO WE KNOW WHERE TO SEARCH! I'LL KEEP LOOKING HERE!"
"GOT IT!!"
'Haah... I'm so smart.'
"Oooh...?"
A voice behind him. Sabuko whipped around to see two dark figures towering a few meters away, as if they'd just blinked into existence.
'The fuck!?'
"Shadow Clone Jutsu?" one of them said. "That's some pretty advanced ninjutsu, you shitty brat."
"Also, you took your sweet time, you bastard," he snapped at his partner. "All you had to do was tell him we got the kid. What took you so long!?"
"Shut up, I skipped breakfast, so I grabbed something!"
'!!!' Sabuko's eyes went to their headbands as they bickered.
'Mist ninja!? What the fuck!?'
He gulped and took a step back.
"C-can I help you?"
"Yeah." The first one drew a sword, the blade flashing in the sunlight.
"Come quietly, Konoha brat."
'WHAT THE FUCK!?!?'
"Or we'll cut you up."